Relinquishing Rights ~ My first article for Adoption Voices Magazine

Good Monday Morning to ya! Here's to another week, a fresh start, a way that we can bring newness to our world and leave the previous week behind us. I will do just that! And there is no better way for me to start my week than to be introduced on a new stage. The internet magazine stage to be precise. 

Actually published last night, I found in my box this morning that Adoption Voices Magazine went with my article about relinquishing rights for the first of my contributions. I am thrilled because I like the piece that I wrote, it is a good look at what it really meant to ME when I signed my parental rights away. You can venture on over and read it here: 
Relinquishing Rights: It's Just a Paper, Right?


Now, allow me to expand on that thought and some of the points that I brought up in the article. Below you will find links to two different posts from this blog that expand on my thoughts and feelings on these topics. I find that if you can explain further and deeper this side of adoption, the birth family side, the more we can all understand where the other is coming from. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard from adoptive parents ... "Well I never thought about that side of it.."  or "It is so interesting to hear your thoughts and how I would have never taken into consideration that feeling." It is good to see others points of view, no matter the topic. 


But in adoption, it is knowledge that will help all sides of the triad understand and discover more about themselves.

The Instant Birth Mother

Relinquishing Rights

Relinquishing Rights: Guest Column for Open Adoption Examiner

Satan's Sister

This is a continuation of the last post ....


Have you ever had someone tell you what to do? Have you ever had someone tell you what to do in a rude and inconsiderate way? Yeah. It is not pleasant, not in the least. This was me sitting in the office of the new social worker that I had only heard of two days before. She called me and said, very sweetly I might add, that she was assigned my case and I should come to see her just to finalize some paperwork regarding the adoption. I was asked to go to Clayton, where the courts of St. Louis are located, and report to her office at precisely 3 pm. It was a hot day. I wore the nicest mumu I could find to cover my large shape. I did my hair to no avail because of the blanket of humidity, thank you Mighty Mississippi.


My mother drove me and it was a normal ride to the busy area, nothing out of the ordinary. The office was small and we had very hard folding chairs to sit on. Social worker comes out and introduces herself to my mother, and then myself. Petite, pale and blank face she had cold hands that felt a bit rough. Her hair was pulled up in a tight bun, and her glasses framed her dark eyes. She asked me to come into her office, and told my mother to stay in the waiting room.I told her that I did not mind if my mother came with me, but she told me that since I was an adult she needed to speak to me alone. I was not happy about this, and I became uncomfortable with her and the building I was in.


I stepped into her dimly lit closet of an office and she told me to take a seat. What followed was nothing short of terrorism. Her face changed immediately and there was no mistaking that I had somehow pissed her off. She began to speak at me, not to me. She started off telling me that the State of Missouri knew what I was up to and that they were going to take the case from the lawyer that I had retained. I was informed that I had done everything illegally, I was not going to be allowed to place my child with the family that I chose and I would have no say in what I knew about my child. This dragon explained to me that all I had done in my adoption process so far was wrong. I could not know the family, where they lived, what they would name her, AND by no means would it be an open adoption. Let's. Be. Clear. About. That.


She went on and on. Her tone was condescending. Her demeanor was frigid. She was rude in her commands. I was shocked. I tried to contemplate what was happening, and it hit me that she could care less about me or this baby. She was like a robot going on about how awful I was, that I had no right to ever think I could KNOW my child as she grew. I began to ask myself questions in my head. Is she serious? How can this be happening? Who from the State made the decision to do all of this so close to the due date? I wonder if she has children? How could another mother talk to me this way, treat me like this knowing I was trying to do what is best for my child? I asked her out loud. She ignored me. I asked again. She kept yapping. I raised my voice a little and demanded: 

"Do you have any children?" 
She stopped, looked over her glasses and replied, "No, I do not." 
Without missing a second I said, "Then who the hell are you to tell me what I can or cannot do with my baby? You don't know what this is like, do you? How can you possibly understand the loss that I am about to face? What gives you the right to talk to me like a child, like I have not thought about this ... researched this ... ached over this decision for months? All I am doing is asking for help, trying to do what I think is right by my daughter, that child you keep talking about is a girl not a thing. I don't want to be in this position, but I am..."
She did not let me finish. With a red face and clearly irate she shot back, "Well then you should have kept your legs closed."


I looked at her. She then said a few more things and then quickly told me that she would be in touch. As she rose from her evil throne, I noticed that my legs weighed 200 lbs a piece. Nausea washed over me, I could feel the cold sweat forming on my forehead and at the base of my back. I wanted to get up, but felt like I had just been punched in the face. Should I throw up on her pointy witch shoes? Think I might. My tongue swelled and did not allow me to say one word. I could not take a deep breath because of the 1,000 pound weight that was just slammed into my chest. I do remember that. I finally got up, swayed a little as I reached down for my purse next to the chair. It was then that I noticed the walls of her office were green.


She opened the door and did not walk me out. She said she would call, and then closed the door. My mother looked up from her magazine and was immediately alarmed. I wore it on my face. I just stood there for a minute, still reeling from the comments that Satan's sister spewed at me for the last 45 minutes. I looked at the clock again. Really? It was 45 minutes? Did I miss something? What just happened? I told my mother that we had to go, we needed to leave right then and there. She said nothing and walked with me to the elevator. On the way down I think I was hyperventilating but can't be sure because I was trying to stay upright and not pass out. Once we were in our car, I spilled it all. I told her everything and left not one detail out. I was hysterical and inconsolable. As I explained the look that the social workers face, I saw my mother's face become still. Red. Squinting eyes. Absolute anger. This was not over, not nearly over. I wasn't too sure who would be the bigger thorn in Missouri's side, me or my mother. One thing I did know, this was not at all acceptable.


To be continued ...

Baby Vanessa, Birth Mothers, and the Idiots Making Decisions!

Recently I read a post with...Adoptive Parents Nightmare ... in the title. It was a great little blurb about this whole debacle that is the Baby Vanessa Media Hype. It made me think very differently. The writer told of how the adoptive mother was on Good Morning America and for some reason, I was quite defensive about how this mother was going to leave the country in order to keep her baby safe. It prompted me to leave a comment that went something like this.....

This case is going to get a lot of attention because the key ingredient is to make the birth mother look very bad. Before I get too far, let me say that I have been a birth mother for over 20 years and I have a very positive outlook about open adoption. With that said, this story is a classic example of how the media gets a hold of a story about adoption and, as ALWAYS, there is a negative condentation to it. This mother obviously did not name him for a reason, perhaps a reason that has already been stated: “even though he has a history of domestic and child abuse.” Maybe this woman knew what he was like, knew that life would be traumatic with that behavior and did what she thought was best at the time for the child. Her choice was to not name the father.



Now, what I think would be a big help to this whole situation is if the adoptive parents of this child would understand and support the birth mother and where she is in all of this hype. I know that may be hard, but it will speak LOADS to the child later in life that her mother was supported through thick and thin by her adoptive parents. Far too often the birth mothers are left alone after a discovery like this, no one is willing to support her decision. The adoptive parents feel jilted, the father is angry that she chose adoption and may be trying for redemption…a payback perhaps (who knows what the story is between these two birth parents), and the birth mother feels guilty that everyone lives are now disrupted because she wanted to protect her child from potential harm. If the adoptive parents were to support this mother, show her that they will stand by her in any situation, then it would speak a thousand words to their character. It would speak a million words to the mother who chose to allow her heart walk without her. It would speak volumes to the judge that these parents care about the future of the child, and the mother who made them a family.

There was a reason she did not name him. Her reasons lead her to adoption. She should not be made a monster for wanting to do what was best for the child, at the time, in her mind. And you are right, the child should not be punished and moved to a foster care miles away in a home she does not know. The big wigs should just get all their ducks in a row and assess the dynamics before making quick decisions. But the bottom line here, and the point I am trying to make is that this is not just a nightmare for adoptive mothers out there … it is the worst kind of nightmare for a mother of birth, too.

There is something to be said for wanting to protect your child. If you are a parent, then you know that you would do anything for them. Let's not vilify this mother for trying to do just that. We don't know the whole story, let's not be hasty about uprooting so many lives before you know all sides of the story.

Guest column: Relinquishing rights = fear on both sides

Guest column: Relinquishing rights = fear on both sides

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Thank you Open Adoption Examiner! What an honor to be the guest blogger today, I appreciate this. Interesting thoughts that I had about how relinquishing rights creates fear for both sides of parents in open adoption.

Relinquishing Rights

I had never heard these words used together before. I was sitting in a lawyer’s office and he said them while discussing the legalities of adoption. I was looking out his window thinking about the unbeleivable situation I was in. Six months pregnant, unwed, still enrolled in college looking forward to a carreer, but wondering how I can even think about that. I was pregnant. I was about to carry a baby to full term, then just be able to hand her to her new parents and return to life? How can that happen? Then I heard those words fall from his mouth. “...you will relinquish your rights.” What? What does that mean? It sounds awful. So I asked him to explain it to me in laymen’s terms. He sat straight up in his chair and began, “You will go into the courtroom...” Courtroom? I thought. I have to go to court? “...the judge will hear from both sides of the parties...” I was lost already, Who are the parties? The parents? The birth parents? The State? “...at which time he will ask you some questions...” What questions? What does he need to ask me? Do I really need to justify myself to one more person, much less a judge? How many people are in this courtroom? Who do I have to humiliate myself in front of this time? “...you will then tell him why you are unfit to be the parent...” Really? Do I have to tell everyone my reasons for doing this? “ ...and you will then relinquish your rights to your child, that means you are cutting all ties to the child and you are no longer considered the mother.”

Wow. I felt sick. I had not heard someone put it that way before that day, sitting there in his office. What a terribly abrupt end to what I was considering one of the most beautiful times in my life. I was really starting to feel good about myself and my decision, until that day. There was more legal jargon that went on and on, but I was not focused on that. I was focused on the two words that would stay in my subconcious for months, slowly creeping up on me, just waiting for the right moment to pounce and make it permanent. It was as if he planted the term in my head so it would grow more and more prevelant the closer the due date came. I was not ready for that appointment in any way, shape, or form. I told my mother to not come with me, and that was a mistake. It would have made things so much easier if she were there that day. I felt lost when I left. I sat in my car for about a half hour, just dwelling on the words ‘relinquishing rights.” I am not sure when I left, or what route I took home that day, but I do know that my heart was just begining to feel the pain that would become so familiar in the years to come.

I decided to take the high road and continue to enjoy the pregnancy. As a woman, I was becoming increasingly enchanted with the whole process. It is an amazing thing to see a child grow inside a woman’s body, and when it is your body it almost like a science experiment, the most wonderful experiment ever! I was enjoying the kicking, the swirling, the growth of my belly and the feeling of life being created inside my womb. The Lord can work miracles, I think children are proof of that. The way women’s bodies adapt to the entire pregnancy is a miracle of it’s own. Think of all that body, though small and usually weighing less than 10 pounds, it is just incredible that a human body can fit in that small space provided in the womb. I was happy to be pregnant, happy to know that the family that I chose was the fit I wanted. Much more on this subject to come...