Blank

I will be attending a one man play titled Blank this coming weekend and I am truly excited about going. I was asked by Jeanette Yoffe to not only attend, but bring along some books so I can chat with folks about adoption. Click the link to read more about Brian Stanton and his work.

I love meeting new people in this vast world, and when I can share my story with them face to face ... well, good things happen. Still preparing everything that I will need, and doing some research on the play itself. What a strong and brave thing for this young man to do. AND, it sure is a plus that the Theatre is a love of mine!!

So I will report to you all come Sunday or so, and in the mean time go out and enjoy life. You only get one shot at it, so make it count!

It's All About The Hair

For those of you who may have missed the last post, you will need to read it to understand a little better what I am about to write. You may read that here.

Now, as the years progressed that I had Olive for a hair stylist she had always told me just how much she TRULY loved what she did. She moved from the mall to a swankier salon and I followed her. A few years later she made the decision to open her own salon, and I followed her. When she did open her salon I noticed a change in her. As if she could not get more bubbly and fantastic, she had an even bouncier step and a ever present smile that just lit up the room. She was very happy in that she was meeting people, traveling, making a name of her own. Hair Stylist Galore!

She also married and had her own children. Beautiful little creatures who obviously have a bit of her in them, in that sauce is spread abundant through both of them. With a glow only a mother could have, she would tell me how much those little souls have enriched her life. Her life was flowing along just how she wanted it. A couple of visits she had told me that she was thinking more about her birth parents, that having her own children just made her a little curious as to where she came from, or better who she came from. She asked me many questions about where she should start with the information she had, which was not much.

Now back to that day, the day that I went to visit her and she said I would not believe what she found ...

Turns out, Olive contacted her birth mother, we will call her Stella, and she was thrilled to hear from her. Olive made arrangements to go and see her birth mother and took along a good friend for support. Their visit went great. Stella had all kinds of information about her and told Olive how happy she was that she found her. Stella asked a few questions about her life, and looked at pictures of her family. Then, Olive began to ask Stella questions about who her father was and that is when Olive's life was explained.

We will call him Hank. Hank was a very good man, but was caught in an awkward situation when Olive came to be. He helped Stella make arrangements for an adoption and he made good on his word that he would be involved and support her. Once the adoption was finalized, he and Stella parted ways and he married another woman and had 5 children with her. So this explained how the adoption happened. The very interesting thing about this man is that he was devoted to hair in some way, shape or form all of his life. Matter of fact, one might say it was his passion.

Hank studied with well known people when he attended the college he chose to learn the craft that he perfected. I say that he perfected it because not only did Hank opened his own line of popular salons in the area in which he lived, he also started his own college to teach his methods of styling. Hank was a hair master, and that is what he was known for. Not only did he share the same passion that Olive had, he also looked up to the same people that Olive looks up to ... and knew many of them quite well! (she was all giddy about that) This love of making people feel beautiful was passed along to Olive in a way he could have never foreseen, and she could not have imagined that she would have so much in common with the father she never knew.

Now, as if that were not interesting enough....remember that I mentioned he had other children? All of those children are professionals in their own right, but none one of them has an interest in salons or hair. Not one. This was the interesting thing to both Olive and myself, and we talked at length about the strong bond she now had with her father, and how ironic it was that none of his children he raised followed in his footsteps. She spoke of how amazed she was that not only was she able to find her mother and connect with her in a positive way, but to know that her birth father had the same passion that she had was a comfort. She was actually a little proud that she comewhat followed in his footsteps in opening her own successful salon. Olive said that she was just in awe that what she was raised in was so different from what her roots were, yet her roots followed her in life to define what she is.

Her story makes a strong argument that in adoption sometimes nature does, and will, have a large part in what a person is.

Nature vs Nurture

I have heard many arguments in adoption that nature, as in what is a genetic like in the child to their birth families, does not weigh heavily into the person that he or she will become. Documents, studies, polls, so on and so on that say once the adoptive parents take the child into their homes that it is nurturing that will mold the child. I agree that we are so much of how we are raised. However, I also see many genes or characteristics that carry over to the adopted child that convince me it is not a topic to be dismissed.

When I moved to California 17 years ago, I needed a new hairdresser. I went to the local mall to find someone in a shop and that I did. Olive was close to me in age, had blond hair close to the color of mine, she was bubbly and full of life and I considered myself lucky to have walked in when I did because she was not busy and it was a GREAT cut! (and ladies, you know how hard it can be to find someone who will do your hair just how you want it!) After the first visit, I was a regular for her for years to come.

Fast forward to 1999, the year I got married. I went to see Olive for the pre wedding hair trials and sitting in her chair I told her about how blessed I was to have Bella, my daughter I placed for adoption, in the ceremony ... literally walking down the isle just before me. Olive stopped what she was doing and she looked at me. "You're a birth mother?" she asked. "Yes, I am. Sorry I did not tell you before, but how do you work that into a conversation?" She smiled. I could tell she was thinking as she looked at me. It was quiet. "I am adopted" Olive said. Once again, another person who happened into my life that is touched by adoption.

Through the years we would talk about our lives, learning more from each other about the other side. She did not know who her birth family was, she was so very respectful of her adoptive parents and just did not really have a need to know much about her history. Then, an amazing thing happened this past summer.

I had an appointment with Olive and she called me to confirm the day and time. "I can't wait for you to come in, I have so many things to tell you." she said. I was intrigued, but could not imagine her next statement. "I found my birth mother and father, I went to meet her!" I was thrilled for her and could not wait to get there. Her eyes were lit up, she was grinning from ear to ear and started with ..."You will NOT believe what I am about to tell you..." and by the time she was finished, I was amazed!

So much to tell, and so little time to write! Stay tuned for this incredible journey of nature and how it can affect who you are even though the miles are many.

Adoption Stories Interview

Adoption Stories hosted by 4 Healing Hearts

I have picked up many Twitter Followers recently and one such request lead to an interview this morning. Janice O'Leary, who counsels from 4 Healing Hearts and Minds, is an adoptee who hosts a radio show on BlogTalkRadio and she asked me to share my story with her and her listeners. Not only was it a great chat, but it was wonderful to hear her comments from an adoptee's point of view. With the a lovely spirit that she is, I can only imagine how many people she has touched with her openess and drive to help others share their stories.

What a pleasure it was to talk with and "meet" you, Janice. I am very appreciative that you asked me to join you today and I sure hope that we can chat again, and more often. Thank you for doing what you can to help those in adoption!

Kelsey's Interview with 4 Healing Hearts on Adoption Stories.

Feeling Festive!

Just wanted to say hello to all of you and let you know that I have been taking a much needed break from the blogging world. Last month was a whirwind and I had so many days thinking about adoption, not to mention advocating for it, that I need to just be for a few days. I want to do some shopping, see some Christmas decorations and just enjoy the season!


I will return later this week with some interesting thoughts, a list of my favorite Christmas themed movies and a brand new Happy Thought. In the mean time, I want to repost this Happy Thought from this past year. It really is one of my favorite memories and I think since this is the season in which we think of those who have meant so much to us in our lives this one is fitting. I cannot tell you enough how many wonderful friends I have had touch my life!

Happy Thoughts #6 ~ A Friend In Need of  a Few Kind Words

Thinking Out Loud

Advocating Adoption must include all sides of the story. This is just such a mind! I met Michael through my Bloggers Unite page a few months back, got a message one day that he had joined. As I always do, I went to his blog and got to know him a little. Intelligent, hip, hilarious at times and always thought provoking, I found his voice a great one. Now, his blog is not about adoption, it is just about him and his thoughts (with a passion for politics!). Every once in a while, he mentions adoption, but it does not define his writing.

He commented on a few posts of mine and I soon realized that somewhere along the way his parents accepted his life, and helped him accept it as well. He would tell me that he liked my positive yet honest point of view and cherished that there was mother out there who was not afraid to let it all hang out. I saw more and more of him as the last couple of months went by and soon I began to really appreciated when he read my posts.

Well, he posted a WONDERFUL contribution for the Blogger Unite event, and it still has me thinking almost 4 days later. He has such a great way of thinking about things, and really shares his true thoughts and feelings about adoption, not to mention his heart in this post . I love it so much that I asked his permission to share with all of you.

I thank you Michael for sharing and embracing the person that you are. I can only hope that your voice can have an impact on others the way it has me.

I give you,
Michael Lockhart of Thinking Out Loud.
Photo courtesy of Daniel Wallock.

Happy Thoughts Follow Up...She Loved It!

So, if you have been reading my blog for some time, you know I have a little thing called Happy Thoughts when I share some of the more inspirational tales or appreciative stories about my journey as a birth mother. Many of them have revolved around someone telling me something, or showing their support in some way. I love doing them because I know that they are for one, appreciated by many out there and for two, well it makes my heart feel good about what I am trying to do...show that adoption can be a positive thing for all parties involved.

Well, the other day I posted Happy Thoughts 8~Polaroid Smile. A short, sweet story about that first time I got a letter from my daughter in her handwriting, not just a letter from her parents. I shared my thoughts and feelings about how much that little purple note meant to me, and how it continues to lift my soul all these years later. I mean, it is not often that adoptions are so open that the mother and daughter really know each other. So I put it out there, sharing just in case there is a birth mother or adoptee who needs to see that it can all work out, it can all be comfortable, and it can all be good in the end.

I never expected anything from the post, meaning I just thoughtI would write it, read a couple of comments and then move on. Well, yesterday afternoon I got a message from Bella herself and the smile and tears that followed were there for a very good reason. I asked and she enthusiastically said yes when I told her I wanted to post her response to a story she had never heard. And now, I give you another lift directly from Bella, my amazing daughter.


Bella: "AHHHH! I loved this blog.



I was desperately bored at work a little bit ago and I saw this (Happy Thoughts 8) and I read it and it just made me sooo happy. I remember taking that picture and i remember writing the letter and sending it to you. When you are little you never realize how such a little gesture makes such a difference, but I realize now how special it was for you. I love my birthday roses sooo much.


Well I just wanted to say hey."
 
Kelsey: "Do you have any idea how much you touch my soul? Of course you could not have known what that small gesture did for me, and I write to let you know just how much you mean to me! That note stayed in my wallet for many years. It helped me through some very hard times dear, so always know that I carry you in my heart! Thanks for telling me what you were thinking while reading that post."


Bella:"Im glad that I brought you joy today because you sure did bring me some joy with that blog!"


I am one of the most fortunate women I know, and I mean that. I have been rewarded time and time again with small words that speak volumes to what my children think of me. I thank you Bella for always seeing me for who I am, and I am a woman who loves her children!

Happy Thoughts... #4

As I have explained before, my first adoption was what now would be considered a semi-open adoption. When I placed all those years ago, what I asked for was a break through approached to adoption. I was asking to just know who my child was, and that was not so popular. In the late 80's there was a movement that started and pregnant women considering adoption were thinking more about the future, more about their role as the child grew. I was one of those revolutionaries that knew that I would be able to heal and get on with my life much better if I could see pictures of my child, hear how she was doing. Let me make a very clear point here, this was NOT how adoptions were done in those days. The system (and when I say that I refer to whole lot of them: the agency, the government, the courts, the lawyers, the social workers for the foster care & the State of Missouri) would have nothing like that. If they had it there way I would not know where they lived, who they were and God forbid ... who she was. It was a really horrible way to treat someone who is taking such a leap of faith in themselves that they are doing the right thing. It was a slap in the face and a degrading position to put me in. It was something that affected me and is the reason why I am trying my darndest to make a change in the after care for birth mothers. See there I go again, getting off track with my passion!

So, I fought to place with the a family that I had found all on my own and they understood my need to know my daughter and they were VERY supportive of that. All her life, they sent me pictures and a letter twice a year. I recieprocated with a grateful letter and once in a while a picture of me. When she was a year and a half, I met them at a neutral place and I spent about an hour with her and her family. It was wonderful, but I was recovering for a month after that. It was hard on my heart, I just wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her all the time. When she was a little older I spent time with her again and we had a wonderful time.(See Happy Thought...#2 on this blog). Then came the call that she wanted to be in my wedding (that will be a future Happy Thought) and that was a glorious day! So, so, so proud I was that day. Then I saw her at a family wedding several years ago, after she had become a young woman and was fully starting to appriciate the concept of being adopted. She was so beautiful, such a wonderful, amazing soul. There was not a dry eye around us as we embraced for what seemed to be five minutes, more like two. It was like looking in a mirror, her eyes sparkled, her smile was brilliant and in that moment I felt truly happy. I could see that all the struggles, all the hours of heartache in missing her were validated. She looked at me with such admiration, such appreciation. My heart as well as my face was smiling that night. These were the only times that I physically saw her in her life, but I would always send her a birthday card and flowers, one rose for every year, to tell her that I was always thinking of her on her birthday...always.

So with only limited contact (but meaningfull contact) and a great set of parents who supported the idea that an adopted child should know where they came from (and they continued to supported me with their words of gratitude in every letter), this wonderful girl was allowed to form her own thoughts from the very begining of her life. How does she feel about me, about being adopted, about who she is? The following is an article that she wrote for her high school paper some years ago, so let's hear it in her words. All of the names have been changed so let's call my daughter Jordan.

Adoption: By Jordan Razzi and Julia Tellew

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be adopted? Some students here know for a fact what it's like. An unwanted prgnancy can be a miracle for a couple who are unable to have their won children. 4.5 million couples experience infertility each year. These couples are waiting to become parents and are wishing that their names would come up on the adoption lists. Most couples wait 2-3 years to adopt. Costs vary from an estimated $14,3000 to $28,000 depending on the country or agency. China and South Korea are the most popular choice for overseas adoptions. Although only one student at this school was adopted outside of the country. I caught up with a few students who have been adopted and asked them some interesting questions.

One student asked for their name to reamin anonymous, but still ansered the questions to the best of their ability. They said that "It made me feel good that someone would care that much about me to give me a happy life. I found out that I was adopted when my parents thought I was old enough. I appreciate all that my parents have done for me. It leaves no doubt in my mind what my life would be like if I was never adopted. I never even wanted to know who my birth parents were."

Another student that was adopted was JJ. He said that  "It does not make me feel any different toweards my parents. I found out that I was adopted through my grandma and then my mom told me. I do not know my birth parents and I have never wondered what my life would have been life if I was never adopted. I appreciate what my parents have done for me."

Senior LD was adopted from overseas. "I was 3 years old. I found out that I was adopted when I was seven. I was put up for adoption because my mom couldn't afford to live there. I know my birth mom. We talk about once every two weeks. She married my birth father. She says she would like to attend my graduation. I have two other adopted siblings. Adoption is a good thing and I am glad I came to America."

"As for me, I have known that I was adopted ever since I could remember. I have known my birth mom since I was little and was even in her wedding. She put me up for adoption because she grew up without a father figure and she wasn't married at the time, and didn't wnat that for me. We talk periodically and last year I had the chance to see her for the first time in seven years. I can't even begin to explain the feelings I felt when I saw her. It is very cool to have another set of family members that live in different areas. Being adopted makes me feel so blessed, I have a family that loves and supports me in everyting that I do" says Jordan Razzi.

WOW! I was floored when I received this. What a great attitude she has. What a wonderful thing for her to say about adoption. What an amazing soul she is. She gets it, she knows that I loved her enough to let her go and live without me. I let my heart walk without me, and my heart was soaring. Once I finished my book, I sent her one as a gift and she absolutely loved it! She encouraged me to share it with the world and tell everyone of how great our relationship has been. She even used my book as the subject of the first speech she had in school this year. She is so proud of me, so proud to be adopted. How can I not be proud that what I fought for has such a happy ending? How can I NOT share this story with all of you? How can I NOT advocate for the birth parents out there, to make a change in the system so that everyone who is considering placing their child for adoption will have a chance of a good outcome like I have? How can I NOT use my voice to speak out for so many who want to place for adoption and are left to wonder ... "Can I have an adoption that is open and honest?" You bet you can! You most certainly can.

I am beyond proud, I am at peace.