Advocate the right way ... EDUCATION!

I have written so much about adoption. Look at those labels to the right, there are a LOT of topics! My goal this month is to bring that all down to just 10 categories as I have many new followers who may see that list as a challenge. 

So while I am working on the blog, I thought I would post this gem from a couple of years ago. It was the year that I wrote every day because it was National Adoption Awareness Month, and I had so many things to say!

Advocate the right way ... Education!

Adoption Avocation, life heritage and ghost stories ... oh my!

This photo was used courtesy of The Bacon Party on Facebook.

Okay, my post on Tuesday was a little weird. But I cannot stand to see people hurting in our Country and not receive the help that they need. I am off my soapbox.

Instead, allow me to explain my sometimes here sometimes no attitude towards blogging lately. I took it upon myself to run for the local School Board and I had no idea just how much time it would take from my regular routine. It was a three month blur of talking, meeting, talking, smiling, listening, talking and making sure people knew not only who I was, but what my platform would be.

I did this because a one income family does not have extra cash to spend on a campaign. Besides, nothing makes me more irritated than to hear the National Candidates’ spent over a billion on their campaigns. I don’t want to buy your vote, I wan to talk to you, tell you my ideas, hear your concerns and then let you know that if elected, I am going to work hard for our students.

My approach worked. Despite not having a committee to back me, yard signs to plunk strategically down the most driven streets and no experience in the position I was running for … over 2,500 people in the community voted for me. Guess a reputation can make a difference in an unknown candidate. Because to tell you the truth, I bet there are more kids in town that know who I am than adults. I volunteer quite a bit, and make it a priority to give each kid my undivided attention so they know I am there for them. Not me. Not anyone else. I am there for the kids.

The election ran so well for me, that at the end of the first count I was one vote ahead to gain a seat on the Board. One Vote! If that is not democracy, I don’t know what is. And if you think to yourself, “my vote does not really matter,” well this is key evidence that it does!

Now we move onto counting all the absentee and provisional ballots which could be finished soon, but could take as long as December 4^th to determine who the Board member will be officially. In the last update on the County Recorders Office it said I was behind my opponent by 30 votes. That is still a very small margin, so more waiting will follow.

So, yes, now I know how Bush and Gore felt in 2000. I now know what a long wait means. I now know what I could have done differently and what I did right. Either way, I am thrilled that so many believed in me and chose to give me a chance in this election.

But this is a blog about adoption, and it is National Adoption Month so I SHOULD be writing about that topic, not an election that for some is now history. I want to write, but just cannot keep my mind off of the future here and now. I have tried, but have failed to write coherently what I want to convey. SO instead of babbling on, I will leave you today with this post from NAM two years ago. It is a post that will provoke thoughts, perhaps some anger but mostly I hope it brings some deep contemplating about what you can take from my words.

Adoption Avocation, and Life Heritage and Ghost Stories ... OH MY! 

National Adoption Month? So What!

White Ribbons represent Adoption Awareness

It's that time of year. For those of us who are in the realm of adoption we are aware of what November brings. You may be one of those who posts religiously to raise awareness. You may be one of those who completely turns off the adoption reading for the entire month. You may be wondering what the hell I am talking about, adoption what?

This was the month chosen to celebrate, or criticize, the whole concept of adoption. Believe me, you do not have to look far to find it, just Google Adoption Awareness Month. There are entries after entries about the topic. Feel free to explore.

And not to be a hypocrite, I too have written endlessly about November. Just look to the label section of this blog and click on Adoption Awareness Month. 

But today, November 6th 2012 is a different day. Not your typical November day. It is Election Day in America. No, I am not going to swap the awareness in this post with pushing my political agenda. I do not have one. This is America and in a democracy everyone is entitled to their opinion, their vote. Instead I am going to encourage you to vote, because so often there are many who will not bother. But instead of watching the political rallies, the pomp and circumstance, I ask that you instead Google Hurricane Sandy and find footage from today. 

I ask you to do this because every four or five years our country suffers a natural disaster that reminds us how vulnerable we all are, and how life can change in an instant. There are parts of the Eastern Seaboard that are ruined, destroyed, left defenseless and people are scrambling to find help, to find food, to find water. We all heard about it for a few days, saw before and after pictures, heard stories of horror as the storm pounded so many towns, cities, burrows that will forever change the landscape and mindset for residents. It was reported on, but as of yesterday the attention ceased to make way for reports of polls and undecided voters.

Decided or not, take a moment from National Adoption Month to read a little about what is to come regardless of the Election outcome: there is another storm on the way and it looks to be salt on the wound, and may just push all that we have seen to the brink. The temperatures are dropping. The water from the storm will be cold. The winds will pick up. There is no electricity. No transportation. There are people who are homeless and cannot find help anywhere. I watched tonight as people called into a show (somehow they were able to air something other than the Election) and they were begging for help. There is no order, no plan. People are living in the streets, in other's garages, in overcrowded shelters and not one of them can get emergency help.

The States have told people to go Online to find help. There is no electricity, no computers if there was electricity, and no homes if there were computers in them with electricity hooked up. Simple things are gone. So much attention was given and help promised from many, but where is the help? Outside of these communities helping themselves, where is the help that was promised? Where is FEMA when New Jersey and New York need them? And where are the politicians? They were there for the cameras a week ago. Media will tell you that our President did a great job with the Hurricane, but as I write this he just repeated for the 1,000 time that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Great! But there are Americans suffering right now, on our shores, in our country. Why are you not talking about this, encouraging volunteers to get there and lend a hand? Katrina was talked about for a month, yet Sandy only a week?

It's all been put on hold because it is Election Day. Bad timing, but it should make you think. Is this how you would want to be ignored if it was your community?

Help bring awareness today to something we all should be paying attention to, the Hurricane Sandy aftermath. Instead of focusing on adoption awareness, just for one day help bring awareness to those that need it right now. In adoption, we know loss on many different levels. Some of us on levels others could never understand. Well just like us, there are thousands of people right now that are suffering loss that no one can understand. On top of that stress they are looking head on into another storm that will only hinder efforts to recover. 

Because we are a democracy, we have the freedom to choose what we bring awareness to, and today I choose to make everyone aware of this fact: folks on the East Coast need help. Election Day or not, people need help. National Adoption Awareness Month or not, people need help. Please don't forget this. If you have time, post or tweet or do whatever it is that you do & raise awareness for our fellow Americans. 

The Resilient Spirit

Saturday was a gorgeous day in Southern California. One of those days that is rare here, it rained the day before. Now, when it does rain here people loose their minds and do not know how to drive or even how to cope with the odd droplets of wet that are propelling themselves onto the Golden State's normally sunny days. After the rain is when it is most beautiful, all of the smog and filthiness of 5 million people washed away to reveal clear air, greener grass and majestic mountains. I do not enter LA often, mostly to retrieve guests at the airport. But Saturday was different. I had no idea how different it would be.

Jeanette Yoffe, therapist and foster/adopted woman of brilliance, invited me to attend a one man show of another adoptee, Brian Stanton. I accepted the invitation because I wanted to meet Jeanette. She runs a once a month group called Adopt Salon and all I have read and heard of it was wonderful so woooo hooo I get to meet her. Another reason is because I was interested in this play that she spoke so highly of, Blank. I was and still am at heart a thespian and I find it incredibly courageous to get on a stage, command the attention of the audience with only you to keep them there, interested in what you have to say. Still another reason is that she thought enough of me to ask me to bring along some books to display in the lounge area, bonus! So that is where I was bound, Venice California to surround myself with so many folks touched by adoption.

Oh yeah, you've heard the song and it really does exist! Electric Avenue is home to the Electric Lodge, my destination. Bustling with energy as Venice is, there were tons of folks walking the street below Electric Avenue and it gave way to side streets of small bungalows and funky beach shacks. The Electric Lodge was a small but quaint multiplex of creativity that housed a dance room, a small lounge area that served as the day care for the event and a wonderful playroom that was draped in black with risers where the chairs sat in neat rows. I felt as if the day was holding some great surprise, something profound that would make an impact in my life.

Brian not only enthralled us right off the bat, he exposed himself early on with revelations that he had struggles with identity from an early age. I was so impressed with this man from the get go because I understand the grueling and heartfelt emotions he was going to have to endure in the coming hour and a half as an actor to answer the tough questions that he was asking. He played many characters that were essential, endearing and sometimes hilarious! He wound through his life story with amazing detail to how he felt about being an adoptee. He talked about how he knew young and a little later his mother, whom can I just say I would like to meet based on the portrayal that Brian gave us, shows him is Birth Certificate. He took the documents and realized that she not only had the Certificate with their information, but she also had the Original Birth Certificate with is birth mother's name on it. From there, we walked his road with edge of the seat anticipation.

Brian also visited the emotions of, for the first time ever, reading the words his mother wrote to him. Wow. I did not know how this would effect me. To paraphrase he said (reading from the letter)... "I have waited a long time to tell you how often I have thought of you through the years ..." He stopped. There was a long pause. I watched the emotion on his face, the body language he had .... not moving a muscle. I knew what he was going to say in watching him and I felt the stream of moisture hit my cheeks and I could not breathe. He broke the silence with ... "She thought about me?" Followed with a look of awe followed with a slight smile. I inhaled and smiled along with him as the small creek turned to a river of tears rolling down my face. I was beyond touched, I was completely speechless and my heart grew and grew and grew. To convey those thoughts (and there were many that followed this divulgence) with such raw emotion was just an incredible thing to witness.

I was floored by the end and stood along with just about everyone in that playroom for a standing ovation when Brian took his bow. I cannot say enough about this man. To expose himself and his journey with such honesty and compassion, humor and sorrow, awe and frustration ... I wish you all could have seen it with me! I had so many things on my mind afterwards, and still have so much to say about this amazing day but not the time to tell you. I will continue in the coming week with more on this topic.

For now I say thank you to Mr. Brian Stanton, thespian, playwright, teacher, father and adoptee. You are a man who was gifted with the ability to surrender yourself in order to help us all understand a little better what adoption is. Hats off to you!

Was It Over When The Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Photo Courtesy of flixster.com

"What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" ~ John "Bluto" Blutarsky, Animal House circa 1978

So the time has come, November is over and we say goodbye to another year of trying our best to raise awareness and advocate for adoption during National Adoption Awareness Month. I accepted a challenge to write a post everyday to advocate, and I did miss one day ... but this right here is the 30th post in 30 days. So I will look at it as mission accomplished! But I gotta tell ya, I have NEVER written this much in all of my life! Not even in college did I sit and contemplate one topic for this amount of time. It has been one bumpy ride with times here and there when I just did not want to say another word about adoption. I admit it, and I will tell you why.

It has been 20 years since I became a mother. I gave birth to three beautiful, amazing children whom I chose to let go. I knew exactly what I was doing and understood that there would be a lifetime of evolving and learning to live life not only without them, but perhaps someday facing what questions they might have for me. In all of those years, I never spoke A TON about adoption. I would have conversations from time to time with friends and acquaintances that I knew, but it was not an everyday thing. Adoption, in my life, was a very personal thing that I went through pretty much alone. My husband has been the one who has heard about it the most, after all he is involved too. But for two decades adoption would come and go for me, not something that I concentrated on every day.

That all changed past year and a half. Adoption has become a very presence in my life, more so than in any other time I can remember. I certainly had never before spoken so deeply, honestly, painfully and joyfully as I have here on this blog. To say it has been a healing for me would be a very true statement. In writing like I have, I also have found so many others who not only have stories to tell but also lessons to teach. There are voices that are so completely different from mine that sometimes break my heart to read, but I take away something from what I have read. I need to listen to these voices and then talk them out with myself to understand better this world of adoption. I need to listen to hear others reflections as a grounding, a tool to help myself realize some things about myself. That is the beauty of it. I keep learning more about other's truths so that I can distinguish what exactly I need to work on in myself and what needs to be done to bring attention to our world, the adoption world. And in that I mean both the good and the bad that happens.

And I intend on doing just that. I think it is a great concept, National Adoption Month. However, I don't think it has to stop in the month of November. I believe it can be done all year through, if for nothing else just to make sure that others out there know what adoption is all about, what it can hold, and what it can become. I will take a few days off, but I am not going to stop raising awareness. I have waited a long, long time to voice my opinion, and I will do my best to be heard.

Now, who's with me?

Once Was Von ~ Amazing Voice in Adoption

My blog reading list is a diverse one. My view of adoption is for the most part upbeat, but I know that it is not that way for everyone. I follow all sides of the triad and to tell you the truth there are many blogs that I read that are not in sync with my point of view. I have learned that you have to read ALL sides of the triad, be them happy or not so enchanted with adoption, in order to really educate yourself about the adoption world. Some voices surprise me from time to time with their knowledge and outlook on things that sometimes I have never thought of. I understand that there can be contradictions in this vast world of adoption blogging and I embrace those who teach me new things or make me think differently about the life we lead.

Von says -
Those who are judged the most harshly by others are often the most deserving of understanding.


Once Was Von was one of the first blogs that I found and I have since been a loyal reader for over a year. She is an adoptee who lives on the other side of the world and has a brilliant mind for telling it like it is. Her posts are diverse, her writing is smooth and her ability to make one think about what she has to say is beyond any other blog that I have found. We have exchanged comments and points of views from time to time and I have grown to respect her the way an athlete respects a coach. (I am not saying that she is a coach, but that is how I look at her while I am reading.) She does fantastic research for her posts, often bringing up points that go unnoticed in the real world but shine in the adoption world.

She recently posted something that made my blood boil and at the same time opened my eyes to the statistics of teen pregnancy here in the States. It was mind blowing, it was thorough, it was shocking to see what is going on here. I commented, then asked her if I could share her brilliance with my readers and she was very kind to oblige me. I will share it with you and then encourage you to put her on your blog list because voices like hers are so VERY important to read. I am so thankful that she is out there, speaking her truths and reminding all of us that there is so much to think about when it comes to adoption. Hats off to you Von!
Once Was Von ~ Teen Pregnancy

Guest Blogger ~ LeMira talks about Fear in Adoption

I have met many different voices in adoption over the past year and I take all of them in, then remember that without these voices it would be very hard to learn more about adoption. Whether it is a birth parent, adoptive parent or adoptee it is so important to hear what people are saying. You have to listen to learn, then take what you have learned from others and learn yourself.

One such voice is LeMira from Along for The Ride. She is an adoptive parent with such an honest and compassionate voice that it is hard for me not to read her regularly. I think she has amazing things to say about adoption. I asked her to write a guest post for me and what she sent is an honest look into what an adoptiove parent fears in adopiton. Thank you so very much LeMira, your voice is so refreshing!
Adoption Fear
written by LeMira Wheelwright
The most monumental acts in our lives, in history, are driven by emotion. The emotions we feel can change the course of our paths. Fear is a very strong emotion, and is ever-present in adoption.

fear

–noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

In the adoption world, fear is not talked about enough. Most people don't like to admit fear because fear denotes weakness. If adoptive parents mention that they have fears about adopting, the response seems to be either "Then don't adopt" or "You've got to work through that before you should adopt." Basically, as an adoptive parent it's easier to confess that you are not afraid because you want to appear strong, brave, and capable. You are hoping to be chosen by expectant parents because of your strengths, not your weaknesses.


Well, today I'm going to list the fears I've had in this adoption journey as a hopeful adoptive parent. Keep in mind, that some of the fears I list were fears in the beginning, but are no longer; and you will probably cringe at the improper terminology I may use and laugh at some of the absurdity of the fears because they are misconceptions, but these were the fears I had.


~ I couldn't love another mother's child the way I love my own.


~ If I have an open adoption, the birth parents and grandparents will know where we live and will have more reason to return to take their child back in the later years.


~ If I have an open adoption, the birth parents may feel like they have the right to discipline my child.


~ If I admit my weaknesses as a parent and as a spouse, an expectant mother will think less of me and will never choose me as an adoptive parent.


~ Being overweight makes me less appealing as an adoptive parent.


~ One day my (adopted) child will tell me that she wants to live with her birth parents and she wishes she'd never been adopted.


~ The birth father will contest the adoption.


~ The birth mother will change her mind at placement and choose to parent.


~ The birth grandparents will convince the birth parents to not place for adoption.


~ My family/my husband's family will treat our child different because he was adopted.


~ I won't feel a mother-child connection.


~ An open adoption means that a birth mother can come by the house unannounced any time to see her child and expect to be given certain rights; we'd have no privacy; she'd want to live with us.


~ A closed adoption means my child will have severe psychological issues of not knowing who he is or where he came from and be bitter because he didn't know.


~ An open adoption is giving my identity away to strangers whom I do not know or trust.


~ No one will ever choose us because there's something wrong with us (our child is too old, we have a biological child, we've been waiting too long).


~ Our pass-through expenses (extra expenses we agree to pay if the birth mother needs it) will simply be too expensive.


~ The age gap is too large between kids (my son is almost 7 now).


~ Getting to know birth mothers and expectant mothers means I'm trying to be coercive and make myself look good.


~ Being an adoptive parent means I'm a baby snatcher.


~ Being an adoptive parent means I think I'm entitled to another mother's child.


~ We will never adopt.


~ The birth parents will live too far away for an open adoption.


~ The birth parents will live too close and the adoption will be too open.


~ Using an adoption agency means that I'm trying to buy a baby, and the caseworkers are coercive and try to lure expectant mothers in.


~ All adoptees are bitter.


~ All birth mothers eventually become bitter.


~ If I take a gift to an expectant mother when I first meet her, it will look like I'm bribing her. If I don't take a gift, it will seem like I don't care.


~ I won't know how to be myself around a birth mother.


~ Being myself will turn an expectant mother "off."


~ Networking on the internet will surely lead me to scams.


~ Advocating for adoption will mean that all the adoption "meanies" will attack my blog and my family.

If I sat all day, I'm sure I could come up with more, but the point of this post is not listing all of the fears that ever exist and talking about each one individually. By looking at this list, it's obvious that I have had some major misconceptions about adoption. The hardest thing for me to admit is how long I was stuck in fear; how long I just glossed over the fears I had.

It's true. Fear can be rather debilitating, and it can drive your actions for good or ill. The point is to learn what fears are healthy and which fears are detrimental. As an hopeful adoptive parent, it's essential to list your fears. You need to learn what you are facing, what is holding you back. Most of the "sins" I've seen in adoption are usually sins of omission -- things people don't do simply because they're afraid. We think that doing nothing is not wrong, but doing nothing is really doing something. . .got that?

How do we combat these fears? How do we become healthy hopeful adoptive parents? Do you remember the "Just Say No!" campaign that came out in the 80's and 90's? The point was to teach children to learn how to say no to drugs, bullying, alcohol, etc. The curriculum was (and still is) to teach children by using case studies and giving them a chance to practice. Well, as adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents, we need to do the same things.

List your fears. Face them, and then educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Branch out. Read adoption literature, talk to people involved in adoption from all branches (adoptees, birth families, adoptive parents, caseworkers). As you do this, you will learn that some of your fears really aren't unfounded, but there are ways to face them head on. You will find your truths.

Yes, some fear is healthy. It keeps us aware of our actions and inactions. Fear can keep us humble in remembering that our pains and losses are not the only pains and losses, and many times, they are the lesser pains. The point is to not let fear run and ruin your life and your adoption path. Don't let it become the fog.

The Grinch And Original Birth Certificates

Theodore Giesel (AKA Dr. Seuss) is by far my favorite author ... EVER! He was so ahead of his time and always found a way to help see the most difficult issues in a simplistic form. The Lorax just blew me away when I first read it and if you read it in modern day you can see that he forsaw the destruction that can happen from too much comsumption. My favorite writing of his? The Grinch Who Stole Christmas!

I found this by way of Facebook and thought it was interesting. At first, I thought it was kind of strange. Wasn't sure where it was going. However, once I finished it I realized that it could be a good way to help so many out there understand the plight that SOOOOOO many adoptees deal with on a daily basis.

The Grinch Who Closed Adoption Records

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. Do you like it? Do you dislike it? How do you feel about using a classic tale to raise awareness for adoptee rights?

Thanksgiving Thoughts

So, the day of giving Thanks is upon us. I know, this day is incredibly hard for many in adoption. For some birth/first mothers, it is a day that can sting with all that they cannot say they are thankful for. For some adoptive parents there is so much to celebrate, but with a silent thought for those who are missing what has helped their families grow. For some adoptees this day only brings torn feelings that gratitude is something that they should feel (according to what society tells them) and for other adoptees there really is a feeling of thanks for what their lives have become.

I personally like this day. Always have. My mother had a knack for making every holiday special but, being the food lover that she was, Thanksgiving .. well to say she never met a turkey she didn't like is an understatement. It is a day that I like to think of holidays past and all the amazing people in my life. I have been so fortunate, so blessed and I always know to give thanks where thanks is due. But I also know that there are many who do not feel the same, who would like to crawl in a hole and forget that Thanksgiving ever existed.

If you are happy, then be thankful for it. If you are struggling, be thankful that you are still here living life, because there is hope that life can change. And if there is nothing that you have to be thankful for, then know that somewhere someone might be thinking of you and THEY are thankful that you are here. I will leave you with a couple of songs that always helps me whether it is a bad day or a good day. The lyrics remind me that life is what you make of it and in the end, it is you that makes you happy no matter what people think or say about you, or to you.

FIREWORK   or this one too...   Beautiful

Tapestry Books

Tapestry Books may not think it is an advocate for adoption, but they are. When you walk into a book store and want  information about adoption, it is like finding a needle in a haystack. It has a larger section than it used to, but for the most part it is difficult to find those books without some help. Tapestry Books has 1,000 of titles to choose from and ALL of them have something to do with adoption.


I wish Tapestry would have been around when I first found myself pregnant. The world had not embarked on the Internet as a life tool yet, personal computers were still those old clunky units with tiny little monitors and the existence of Facebook and Google were still very far off in the future! I tried to find books at local book stores to much disappointment and that lead me to look at specialty stores, such as the Christian Book store in the strip mall next to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was useless, there were no books that were going to help me with my struggling heart and ease my mind about the decision I was making.


Not the case now! The Internet has become an amazing entity that not only helps with research, but also allows human beings to travel the world over for friends, family, life saving procedures, kindred souls who otherwise would think they were alone in what life has brought them ... oh, and shopping!!!!!! Who would have thought that you could someday do ALL your shopping without ever stepping a foot out the door? What an incredible breakthrough for those suffering from agoraphobia! One online source for attaining reading material on or about adoption is Tapestry Books.


I found Tapestry through an acquaintance that I met about two weeks into the marketing of my book, just after it's release in the summer of 2009. I mailed out a book along with a letter to the owner about how my book should be added to their inventory and 'How can I make this happen?' Not too long after that I received an email from Sheppard Morrow, the owner, asking me what my intentions were with the book, what does he want me to do with it? I explained to him my thoughts and he said that I had to write something for them first to see if there is an interest in a book such as mine. I agreed with delight and 3 days later gave him a piece that chronicled my struggles with my first adoption.  He loved it and told me that I was one tenacious woman who DID have something interesting to say.


He published Guilt, Grief and Pride along with an interview for his readers, to see if there was going to be enough of a look-see that would give him justification that my book was a good fit for his company. There was interest, along with some wonderful comments and to this day I still tell people that if it were not for Sheppard and his taking a chance on my book and my voice ... well I would not be where I am today. It was a turning point in my writing career. He took me under his wing and guided me to the right channels to get my book and thoughts out there to those who need to hear it. He was kind and very supportive of my side of the story and always had compliments for the way I fought to get my book to the masses.


His company is such a fantastic resource for all who are looking for information in adoption. Since it is nothing but adopiton literature, the landmine of trying to find a specific topic has been turned in to a wonderful look around with many links to like minded subjects. SO user friendly. If you have never heard of it or been on their site, well it will be a refreshing surprise. I encourage you to keep the URL handy and tell all you know that it is out there just waiting to help find the perfect book!


My undying gratitude to Tapestry Books and Sheppard Morrow for helping me make a difference in my own little way!


Guilt, Grief and Pride, my first published article. Still one of my favorite writings that chronicles my introduction to adoption. There is no charge for this writing, but you will have to sign up to receive the pdf. It is set up to track how many read it, so that is why it looks like you have to buy it.

The Best For You, Tapestry Books offers my book as well.

Teen Mom ~ 16 and Pregnant Question

This question was asked by a reader: "Have you ever seen “Teen Mom”?  One of the girls who is pregnant at 16 and featured on the show chooses to place her baby for adoption.  In the snippets of the show I’ve seen so far (and I haven’t watched as much of it as I soon will), that baby seems to be thriving, is in a very loving and stable home, and it’s hard not to contrast her life with some of the lives of the kids whose mothers kept them.  The teen moms are, for the large part, really unable to care for their kids well.  They struggle financially and in relationships.  It’s hard.  The review I’m writing isn’t about adoption, per se, but in the case of the teens and baby and adoptive parents on the show, it was a terrific situation.  If you’ve seen the show, I’m interested to hear what you think!"

Well, I have many thoughts on this subject and I will try to keep it brief. So, 16 and Pregnant. I have a love/hate relationship with that show. I have written a couple of posts about it because there are times I watch it and I think 'this is great for young kids & adults to see because it is so raw and honest.' Then there is a part of me that says 'Oh man! This is ridiculous! How exploitive this show has become and MTV should be ashamed of themselves.'  MTV is different. I think their intentions were good from the start, but now it has become such a huge money maker for them they are drawn to circumstances that are volatile, vulgar, immoral and harmful all because ... the better the ratings, the bigger the bucks.

I did watch most of the first season, the one that has Catelynn and Tyler the couple that placed their baby girl for adoption. That one interested me because of THAT dynamic. I wanted to see how times have changed, how different or similar I was to her at that age, what his involvement would be and how he would handle the changes not only in his life ... but in the life of the young woman that he fell in love with. There were very sad times that were difficult for me to watch because it really hit home with me. Her sorrow, her guilt, her doubts and her undying need to reach out in some way to let her daughter know that she lives in her heart. I thought that the realities of their story were very intriguing. The maturity with which they handled their decision was wonderful for anyone to look up to. They both showed that they really cared about and wanted a say in what their child's life would he like. As I am sure you know, the adoption world has a HUGE divide in it. There is no gray area, no middle ground. There are those who adore adoption and sing it's praises in everything they do. Then there are those who detest all that it stands for and would do anything to detour everyone from participating in any form of its existence. I think the segments spotlighting that couple was the best part of the shows existence.

The rest, I believe, is really a  debasement of what the teenage mind is capable of, and more importantly what it is INcapable of. The amount of violence that the producers of that show allow is laughable! When you think about some of the story lines, they do not differ much from Jersey Shore except that there is an innocent baby lying there who has no say while his parents act like fools in front of the whole world.

It really is a love/hate relationship. I hope I haven't scared you with my answer. Here are the links to the posts I have previously discussed this on. I have thought about it quite a bit.


http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/2010/05/16-and-pregnanthelping-or-hindering.html

This was a show that had Catelynn and Tyler on, but it is the statistics that Dr. Oz provided about teen sex is what is most notable in this post!
http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/2010/07/teen-sex-crisis-dr-oz-show-and-adoption.html

Do you know what is happening in Nepal?

Man! I had this all set to post last night, but my life has become so incredibly busy that I thought yesterday was the 23rd!!! Darn, and I was doing so good posting everyday this month! Well, you will get two posts today because this piece should have gone up yesterday....

I have a wonderful friend who sent me a message a few weeks back about her brother and his fight to bring home a child from Nepal. There is a situation that is going on over there with the red tape of International Adoption and although I have seen a couple of things here and there, I am still amazed that there has not been more media attention. I mean, how many nights did we watch the story unfold about the Haiti debacle that happened a year ago? How many interviews did Anderson Cooper conduct trying to make sense of what the goals were of the people who flew down there to help children orphaned in the aftermath of the worst natural disaster to hit that nation?

My friend's story was heartbreaking and I immediately put out a call on my Facebook page to let people know what was happening with these families. I could explain everything now, but I found a fantastic blog a week ago that explains it better than I ever could. So, I will link to this post and let you gather your own thoughts. I will also link to a Facebook Page that was set up to petition the US Government to help these families that are already approved, have jumped through the hoops and will more than likely be over in Kathmandu for a long time ... and they just want to get back home to start their lives with their children.

If you would like to be active in avocation for adoption, this may be a way you can help. I am sure there are many families that would appreciate the support of fellow Americans.
Please Pray for US Families Now Stuck In Nepal
Facebook Petition to help Families in Nepal
Photo Courtesy of LisaL7 from Trip Advisor

Not Today!

Sometimes you just have to push away the negativity that comes with being a birth mother. To shun it, to say no. This was one of those days...

Had a lovely weekend with the Scouts. We camped in the mountains and it rained about 70% of the time, but we were able to get in the Grand Campfire tales under a star filled sky last night. It was beautiful, with a crispness to the air that made all the Scouts either want to scoot close to the fire or snuggle up on their mom or dad's lap. The weekend event did not follow any of it's own schedule or timeline, no one stayed dry in their tents, the kids and dads played mud-filled flag football and there were plenty of tiny teeth shining through happy little smiles all weekend long.


Got home feeling so good about life, so good about the gracious little men that we are raising and so good to be not wet ... HA! Then I sat down to check my emails, comments and other cyberspace communication that I had been lacking in for three days. (Believe it or not, it was quite enjoyable being out of touch!) There was a comment from someone and in that juicy tid bit of yapping, she called me a birthditz. Hmmmmm, that's new. I have often been accused of farting rainbows but this conjunction was so new it kind of took me back when it saw it. Birthditz. Nice. Way to love your neighbor.


Then I made the concious decision to laugh at it. Not going to ruin my weekend, not this time. I laughed then hit the big delete button because mentality like that has no place in my life. Thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to enlighten me with a new nickname, but I think I will pass on your negativity today.


Just one more reason why I advocate.  To tell my story. To be honest while doing it. To make sure people understand just what it is like to live with ignorance. Oh you can call me names, curse my actions and try to push me down, but I will get right back up and move on just like I always have.


So here's to you, Mrs. Closeminded Adoption Hater ...... words are only that, words. Yours do not matter to me.

My Own Writing For Bloggers Unite

Well if I started the group then I guess I better have something to say about my advocating for the positives of adoption and advocating for adoption reform. . Here I have been bringing you all of these other great voices, but what does Kelsey think about her own group?

This is something I wrote some months ago but will post here again in case you missed it. Thank you to all who have been following this month and to all who have been reading the posts in the Adoption Awareness group. So many blogs, so little time!

Why I Babble About Adoption

Amy's Thoughts for Blogger Unite! Adoption Awareness Month

As the month rolls along, there are quite a few voices to be heard out there in adoption land. Here is another offering from the Bloggers Unite for Adoption Awareness Month.

Hopeful adoptive mom Amy who writes on her blog Beanie Baby Blog published this post for the group and I thank her for doing so! Hope you read her thoughts on....

National Adoption Month

How Many People Know?

When adoption entered my life, I had some idea of what life as a birth mother would be like because of various people I knew. Then again, I knew that it would be something that I would have to experience on my own to accept, understand and deal with the many thoughts/feelings/self help that needed to be processed at the time. The world was STILL not as accepting of adoption as I would of liked, but I had hope that things could change, people would listen and take in the stories that were out there to be heard.

I had some time off work which was not good. I will never get over the overwhelming media attention at the time on adoption. This is when the talk shows were still ruled by Phil Donohue, who was the original Oprah, and Sally Jesse Rafael, the original Jerry Springer/Maury Povich. I was recovering from the birth for the first week and of course, I wasn't the happiest person in the world. I laid on the couch for pretty much 10 hours a day watching TV and dozing off to sleep from time to time. I kid you not, out of all the shows that I watched that week at least half of them were surprise reunion shows featuring mothers who gave up their children and were now, years and years later, wanting to just know who their children were, if they were okay. So half way through their story, while they are crying I was listening to them and completely understanding what they were talking about, when out of no where there would come someone from backstage and Phil would say..."Well Sue, meet your son."

The woman would turn around and see a mirror image of herself only 20 years younger, and male. Shock. Surprise. More tears. Open arms. Muffled talk through the mics that were smashed between their bodies. Hugging. More tears. It was excruciating to watch! For the first couple of days I would watch every single minute of the show, trying to see if these mothers could give me any kind of advice as to how to live life without your child. But the problem was, none of them were open adoptions. Most of these reunions were closed adoptions and the TV producers were paying big money to find these people for riveting television. I never heard any good advice, oh no! IT was quite the opposite. Their stories were heartbreaking, disturbing, so very sad. I was freaked out, I mean, what had I really gotten myself into? I was having more anxiety, more depression and worse of all, an immense amount of guilt.

The more the week wore on, the more coverage of adoption I ran across. Have you ever seen the movie "Better Off Dead" with John Cusak? It is a comedy and the premise is that he is totally in love with his girlfriend and she dumps him for the cool guy in school. Well in the movie, there is a scene where he is trying to cheer himself up with a drive in his not so polished station wagon, but he is sabotaged by the radio. Every station he turns on, there is another break up song. She's Outta My Life, Love Hurts, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover...it was hilarious. That is what I was thinking as I flipped through the channels. One show after the other was in someway about adoption and I could not get away from the topic. It was laughable, but I soon could not watch anymore. It hit a nerve too close to home.

I found it strange and very coincidental at the same time. I worked nights and slept most days when I was pregnant, so I really did not have time to watch these shows that I came across as I recouped at home after the birth. I had no idea that it was the time of "The Reunion Shows" for talk shows. It was a very hard time for me, and even though there was a promise of help, a promise of someone that would guide me back to health, a guarantee that I would be checked on from time to time ... well it was all just dust in the wind at that point. There was no help. There was no knock on the door to lend a hand. There was no one calling to see if I needed to schedule a session. Watching the television did not help this situation. Not one bit.

Here it is 20+ years later. There have been remarkable advancements made in technology, medicine, and science. Our world has become more tolerant of many races, religions, sexual orientations and genders. The media has literally exploded and our thirst for news has grown from 3 hours a day to 24 hours a day in the past two decades. But adoption, it has not changed its laws, serious hard core legislative laws in forever. It has not advanced out of the dark ages from the turn of the century thinking it was originated from, and I am sick and tired of everyone marketing it as such a villain. This way of life for so many has it's own Awareness Month, it's own set of ribbons to recognize all sides of the triad, yet there is no talk of it of it in mainstream America.

No awareness for Awareness. How do I know this? Well, let's just ask this question: How many people in America know the up to the minute details of the soon to be Royal Wedding? Now, how many people in America know about National Adoption Awareness Month?

Motherhoot ~ Today's Bloggers Unite! Voice

I have met some wonderful people through Bloggers Unite! Adoption Awareness. All sides of the triad of adoption have written over there and I could not be more pleased to be able to get to know them through their words.


Susie Klien is a self professed write at home mom who has a background in social services. She writes a blog called Motherhoot ~ Moaning, Groaning & Laughing About Family Life.  She is a passionate mother who fills her cyberspace place with information, guest bloggers, recipes and much, much more. Her view of adoption is quite knowledgeable, she is both an adoptee and an adoptive mother. Her post for the group was all about the triad of adoption and I found it to be rather refreshing. Short and to the point, I give you her offering...




Motherhoot ~ Bloggers Unite: Adoption Awareness

Not Once, But Twice

Adoption is a difficult thing to endure as a birth mother. If you are one, you know of what I speak and if you are not one, well you can only imagine the path that we have walked. It is not something that once you are done with it, you want to do again. Well, sometimes life has a peculiar, unexpected and clear path that is chosen for you and in my case it was something that I did do again.

It was only a year and a half after I had my daughter and I was still dealing with the heartache of letting her go when of all things, I found myself pregnant again! This time, I was 5 months pregnant with twins and I really had no idea what had happened. Have you ever heard of a woman who did not know that she was pregnant until she goes into labor? Unbelievable, right? Not possible to carry a child and not know it. I am here to tell you that it can happen. I was still having periods, still having the cramps and everything that comes along with a period, I still fit into my clothes even though some a little tighter than others, but not a huge difference. The ONLY thing that I had issues with was I would get sick and throw up after a big meal. Other than that, life was pretty normal, not one clue that I could be carrying not one, but two children in my womb.

So, why oh why would I do it twice? For all the same reasons in the first adoption but with one big factor: I was still grieving the loss of my daughter. I was not sitting alone all day on my bed or anything. I mean, I was moving on with life, don't get me wrong. However, I was really having trouble with the heartache and guilt of it all. I had no doubt in my mind that I was heading for another adoption. But what an completely different pregnancy it was. I handled it from a distance almost, if that makes any sense. I knew what the outcome was going to be and I knew what was awaiting me at the end of the pregnancy. So, I figured that I would just distance myself a little more, not feel for them what it was I felt for my daughter.

No luck there, I still felt the same amount of love and amazement. So instead, I began to look at it like I was training for an event. I walked 5 miles a day, I started eating less meat and more greens, I drank nothing but water and milk, I took very good care of my body because I wanted to make sure that I was strong when delivery came. (My doctor told me before hand that he would not allow me to have an epidural because of the multiple birth factor. He wanted me to be in control of my body just in case anything went awry in delivery, do NO DRUGS FOR ME!)

I also began to train my mind to think ahead of time what that hospital stay was going to be like. I already knew what was coming and I spent the remainder of my pregnancy accepting and letting go far in advance. Well, it worked quite well because somehow I became the voice of reason and comfort for all who were there in that delivery room. Sure, I had a case of turrets syndrome once the dilatation went rapidly and the contractions came once every two minutes ... "just breathe" .... one minute ... "breathe" ... and that was me saying this to everyone just before the sailor returned to spit out some savvy jewels. It was more peaceful, less confusing and since the parents were actually present during the birth this time around, well it just helped to witness the birth of a new family. So different, so much more learned, but just as hard to forgive myself as it was with the first adoption. In the end it was an awakening for my mind to always remember, lightening can strike twice no matter the odds.

And no, I do not regret the second adoption after having been through one already. I had never been so sure of anything in my life, scared as hell that my heart would not recover, but absolutely positive I knew what I was doing. And I did know what I was doing. What fine young men they are, and how grateful I am that they understand and accept the person that I am. We all have to do things in life that may not be the best for our hearts to endure, but hope can allow you to believe in what the future has to hold.

To Have, Or Not To Have?

Was I scared to have children of my own after placing for adoption? You bet! Terrified was more like it. I remember thinking to myself ... 'How will I ever explain to my next child that they are not my first born? How will I tell them about my former self, how it all happened, and more importantly WHY it happened.' Oh, I spent many an hour thinking about having children after adoption.

One thought that I had over and over was, how will my adopted children react to that? Knowing that I placed them, but raised other children after them? Is that even a question? Don't know. All I do know is that it caused a whole lot of anxiety for me. I was not sure how I would be able to handle those questions, those beautiful souls crushed even more by my actions to have children after them. I mean, I wanted to punish myself for even thinking about it. I was in a struggle to understand how my heart was supposed to feel when thinking about having another child. Was I even worthy to have more children?

I think the biggest hurdle that I faced was how I would react to being pregnant, then delivering another child. How would I face those emotions from so long ago? Would I be happy? Would it bring it all back in a bad way, in a torturous way? Would I be forever thinking about all that I missed the first time around? Would I ever be able to think of this as my first time as a mother? (No. Plain and simple for the last question, the answer is no.) How will I ever be able to keep the peace with my heart as I walk the path again knowing that I was going to face the biggest critic of my whole life, myself? Would I enjoy motherhood? Would it drive me mad? Would it be nothing but reminiscing for my younger self, what could have been?

It was hard to think about having my own children in my later married life. But you know what? I got pregnant and it happened. I had more children. And it wasn't weird. It was not heartbreaking. It was not the complexity of emotions that I thought it would be. Sure, as time goes on and things in my boys daily lives happen I DO see what it was that I missed with my first children. I have had moments when I silently cry because I have missed most of their lives as a mother. However, there are many more moments that I look at my boys and see what it is that parenthood means: appreciating life in it's simplest and most rewarding form, children.

I see now what it was that adoption meant to those parents whom I chose. I see in my everyday life what children can do to your soul, how they can change you, how they can help you heal the most painful of wounds. I see in my life how amazing each and every one of my children are, and how very fortunate I am to know them all. I see in my life that I have done the best I can with what I have been given, and in the end it is life that continues to teach me to be a better person.

Peach ~ Things I Wish I Had Known

As most of you know by now, Blogger Unite! Adoption Awareness Month is a group I started to make sure that all voices of the triad are heard before, during and LONG after National Adoption Awareness Month comes and goes. There are over 50 people participating, not all have posted a writing yet, but the point is that they joined in order to create awareness and support for adoption reform.


One of the stronger voices there is Peach from Neither Here Nor There, an adoptee with a strong heart and brilliant mind. She has so much to say, and does so quite eloquently. Honest with not only herself, but the life that she lives as an adoptee, I have long been reading her and so admire her strength, compassion and plain old gusto for fighting for what she believes in. Her blog is a wealth of information that keeps me up late sometimes clicking on her posts and the various bloggers she follows.


I am very thankful that she is out there to share her life, her thoughts and her wonderful passion to make things right in a world with so many contradictions. This is the post that she shared for the group. My hope is that you will read it, and maybe some more of her blog including an AMAZING post about the Jim Carrey movie The Truman Show, it has a WOW! factor. Remember, there are three sides in adoption, and all need to be heard.

Thank you Peach for posting your writing ~ Things I Wish I Had Known...