What A Homestudy Could Reveal

So there had to be something that brought me out of the land of life and back into the writings of the adoption triad, right? Yes and no. I have many musings in the waiting, but then this topic came along and it just rubbed me the wrong way. When I am rubbed the wrong way, it usually results in a post that unleashes the inner birth mother. Lucky you for coming to read ....

The topic stems from a question a hopeful adoptive parent asked on a forum. She asked if it was normal for the birth mother to ask for the home study. She then went on to ask if it was alright to deny the information from the prospective mother. She then put the cherry on top by saying that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody.

Oh there are far too many things wrong with this one for me. Let me start by saying this: in the two adoptions that I went through, not once was the home study of the parents offered to me for viewing. I knew that they existed because I read about them in the papers upon papers that I read during the process. What was offered to me were stacks of papers that I had to fill out for everyone to read. The attorneys. The Social Workers. The Doctors. The Ultrasound Guy. The Agency (Missouri only). The State. The Judge. The Typist. Lord knows just how many people MAY have read the information that I had to provide. And with every paper I filled out, there was a disclaimer that if I provided wrongful information I could be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Um .... okay.

I sat in interview after interview, retelling my reasons, my story, my life to many people. All in an attempt to do what I thought was best for my child. Sure, I knew some information about my families ... my daughter's family more than most .... but not to the extent that they would be reading about me. I filled out information about medical, mental, personal, business, education, life style ... you name it and I answered it. I remember in the first adoption there was actually a question about how I felt about abortion. Really?

Do you see my point lady with the questions? Do you understand that there is an awful lot of information that YOU would require to have on the person who is birthing your child, but you don't see the justification for her to have the same information about you? To purposely withhold that information from the mother is not a very good way to set the tone for future communication. I believe you need to understand that this decision for a mother is not easy, most of the time it is not welcomed and it comes at a time when a woman is quite vulnerable to anything and everything. (and I make that statement from my own personal experiences, not speaking for all birth mothers out there.)

I was okay with the first two questions because they seemed normal. But when I read "that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody", that is what really annoyed me. Hey! She is not just anybody. She is a woman, a mother who is trying her best to make the RIGHT decision for her child. You may just see her as a girl in trouble, a nobody that you would think differently of if standing behind her in a grocery line. She is not that young lady. She is someone who is strong enough to ask for help at a time when many would not, could not.

Stop being so selfish, keep in mind that what you are gaining in life will be forever a hurt for another woman, another mother. Maybe having more information than is needed could bring her some comfort. Maybe she could identify with you on a level you never thought of because she read something in your file, something that she connected with. Don't be scared of her, embrace that she wants to know more about you, about how you live, about how her child will live. It might seem intrusive to you, but it could mean the world to her.

It seems to me that too often birth parents are seen as people just looking for a reason to not choose a prospective parents. That is not the case at all. Birth parents are choosing not for themselves, but for their children. Please keep that in mind.

The Letter

The week of Thanksgiving I wandered out to retrieve the day's mail. Looking through the stack of bills and pizza ads I was pleasantly surprised at a thick envelope with familiar penmanship. It was a card from the twins mother.

Now for years and years, like clockwork, I sent Thanksgiving Cards to the parents of my children. There is no better time of year to show gratitude than around Thanksgiving. I cherish the Holiday for that reason. I think there are too many times that we forget to say it, or neglect to say it. I rarely missed the opportunity to send those cards to the parents and I always signed it .. "Thank you for taking care of my heart."


But this year, I did not send those cards. Not because I am no longer thankful for them, but rather I just became too busy the week before to pick them up and send them out. So to receive this unsolicited letter with pictures, news articles and a letter ... well it was just HEAVEN! It made me feel really good to hear from her and to know that she was thinking about me and my family. She took the time to put it all together and send it at a time we all say thank you.


She had amazing things to say about the boys, but this post is more about how touched I was that she wrote to me. People try to convince me all the time that Open Adoption cannot work and even when it is kind of working, there will eventually come a down side. In their minds, that is their reality. In my mind, this one letter sent just to say hello is a testament to the fact that indeed Open Adoption CAN work. AND ... it can give hope to others that their relationships can be as respectful and compassionate as mine is with her.


So here's to you Mrs Espizino (not at all her real name! IT just sounds cool to me) ... I thank you for lifting my heart with your kindness and I am so very thankful for you being you!


Next time I'll tell you a few of the details from said letter that made Bruce and I smile with Pride!

Fellow Blogger Shines with a Post Worth Reading!

Cynthia Christensen ~ Wife, Mother, Birth Mother, Author,Homeschooler & Lover of Life

I love the kindred spirits that I find in other Birth Mothers. So many I have met here online and cherish their thoughts, feelings, writings and view of life without the children that they brought into the world. One such woman is Cynthia. She is also an author of a fabulous book that I reviewed and reccomended to all of you a few months back.

Well, amazing Cynthia wrote a post that is so worthy, so compassionate and so right on from our point of view that I just had to share it with all of you. She is kind, loves all women and just has a way to sooth my soul when I need it most. I am proud to call her my friend, and so very proud of how she wears her heart on her sleeve and shares her journey with all of us out here in Blog Land.

Please click and read her latest post. It is BRILLIANT! The 6th paragraph could be considered some of the wisest words I have ever read regarding adoption and birth families.

Kuddos to you Cynthia for sharing this, for sharing your thoughts and most of all .... for sharing that amazing heart of yours! If you like what she has to say, then please sign up to receive her future posts. I yet to read a post of her that has not made me sit and think for a while!

The Post Worthy of Reading ... RIGHT NOW! ~ Dear Adoptive Parents

My review of her book: Restorative Grief

Keynote Speaker at FSA Colorado Regional Confrerence

Here it is ... the offical flier for the Families Supporting Adoption Regional Conference in Colorado this April!! I cannot tell you just how excited I am to be a part of this! I have only attended one other FSA Conference and when I left Arizona back in October, I felt so validated, understood, accepted and so appreciated by so many who were there. It was trip that not only lifted my spirits, but it also reminded me that small voices CAN make a difference ... at least to someone.

I received an email asking me to not only attend this FSA in Colorado, but to my surprise they honored me in asking that I be the Keynote Speaker for the event. WHAT?!?!?! Me? Oh, my heart jumped and a smile came across my face to know that soon I would be meeting many more people who embraced adoption the way I have. There is nothing better than to meet and talk with kindred souls who need no explaination of how or what I have felt in the past ... they know it all too. And to think of how many new and wonderful people I will make aquaintance with in April still has my heart jumping and keeps me smiling.

I will be joined at this conference by the loveley Jessalynn Bills, fabulous advocater of open adoption, and that is like a big cherry on top of the whole weekend! Met her in AZ and just loved her attitude, honesty, and amazing tenacity to show what can be done right in adoption. There are more speakers that will be there and I have included a link to the class schedule. This is a day filled with education from those who live it and it truly will help some people understand a little better ALL sides of the adoption triad. 

SO, if you happen to be in the Denver area and are interested, please visit here to see the classes, sign up and come on out for a day of learning more about this world of adoption. So many great speakers, classes, and information that it would be a shame to miss it! I hope to see some of you there and meet you in the real world. I am so grateful to Corrine and Kelly for asking me to be a part of this incredible conference. My hats off to both of you, and I thank you oh so very much. How blessed I am to be doing what I love to do! That being advocating for adoption in a positive way.

American Adoption Congress Conference

I love the blogs that I follow! Many are personal blogs about adoption that make me think, make smile and some me help me learn more about this sometimes confusing world of adoption. So yesterday when I read a new post by one of my favs, I was pleasantly surprised at what she found.

Cat, which is not her real name ... I just call her that because of the title of her blog, made me privy to a non profit that I was unaware of until she so graciously educated me of their being. I always give credit where credit is due and since she found this wonderful organization I am going to let her tell you about it. Sounds to me like someone is getting it right somewhere!

Visit the blog Carrying A Cat By The Tail and this post for more information. You never know, this just may be the organization that you have been looking for to help you advocate for what you believe. Thank you so much for writing this Cat, and for sharing your knowledge with the adoption world!

From the post ... "promote honesty, openness, and respect for family connections in adoption, foster care and assisted reproduction through education and advocacy". AWESOME!!!!!!

 

Guest Blogger ~ LeMira talks about Fear in Adoption

I have met many different voices in adoption over the past year and I take all of them in, then remember that without these voices it would be very hard to learn more about adoption. Whether it is a birth parent, adoptive parent or adoptee it is so important to hear what people are saying. You have to listen to learn, then take what you have learned from others and learn yourself.

One such voice is LeMira from Along for The Ride. She is an adoptive parent with such an honest and compassionate voice that it is hard for me not to read her regularly. I think she has amazing things to say about adoption. I asked her to write a guest post for me and what she sent is an honest look into what an adoptiove parent fears in adopiton. Thank you so very much LeMira, your voice is so refreshing!
Adoption Fear
written by LeMira Wheelwright
The most monumental acts in our lives, in history, are driven by emotion. The emotions we feel can change the course of our paths. Fear is a very strong emotion, and is ever-present in adoption.

fear

–noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

In the adoption world, fear is not talked about enough. Most people don't like to admit fear because fear denotes weakness. If adoptive parents mention that they have fears about adopting, the response seems to be either "Then don't adopt" or "You've got to work through that before you should adopt." Basically, as an adoptive parent it's easier to confess that you are not afraid because you want to appear strong, brave, and capable. You are hoping to be chosen by expectant parents because of your strengths, not your weaknesses.


Well, today I'm going to list the fears I've had in this adoption journey as a hopeful adoptive parent. Keep in mind, that some of the fears I list were fears in the beginning, but are no longer; and you will probably cringe at the improper terminology I may use and laugh at some of the absurdity of the fears because they are misconceptions, but these were the fears I had.


~ I couldn't love another mother's child the way I love my own.


~ If I have an open adoption, the birth parents and grandparents will know where we live and will have more reason to return to take their child back in the later years.


~ If I have an open adoption, the birth parents may feel like they have the right to discipline my child.


~ If I admit my weaknesses as a parent and as a spouse, an expectant mother will think less of me and will never choose me as an adoptive parent.


~ Being overweight makes me less appealing as an adoptive parent.


~ One day my (adopted) child will tell me that she wants to live with her birth parents and she wishes she'd never been adopted.


~ The birth father will contest the adoption.


~ The birth mother will change her mind at placement and choose to parent.


~ The birth grandparents will convince the birth parents to not place for adoption.


~ My family/my husband's family will treat our child different because he was adopted.


~ I won't feel a mother-child connection.


~ An open adoption means that a birth mother can come by the house unannounced any time to see her child and expect to be given certain rights; we'd have no privacy; she'd want to live with us.


~ A closed adoption means my child will have severe psychological issues of not knowing who he is or where he came from and be bitter because he didn't know.


~ An open adoption is giving my identity away to strangers whom I do not know or trust.


~ No one will ever choose us because there's something wrong with us (our child is too old, we have a biological child, we've been waiting too long).


~ Our pass-through expenses (extra expenses we agree to pay if the birth mother needs it) will simply be too expensive.


~ The age gap is too large between kids (my son is almost 7 now).


~ Getting to know birth mothers and expectant mothers means I'm trying to be coercive and make myself look good.


~ Being an adoptive parent means I'm a baby snatcher.


~ Being an adoptive parent means I think I'm entitled to another mother's child.


~ We will never adopt.


~ The birth parents will live too far away for an open adoption.


~ The birth parents will live too close and the adoption will be too open.


~ Using an adoption agency means that I'm trying to buy a baby, and the caseworkers are coercive and try to lure expectant mothers in.


~ All adoptees are bitter.


~ All birth mothers eventually become bitter.


~ If I take a gift to an expectant mother when I first meet her, it will look like I'm bribing her. If I don't take a gift, it will seem like I don't care.


~ I won't know how to be myself around a birth mother.


~ Being myself will turn an expectant mother "off."


~ Networking on the internet will surely lead me to scams.


~ Advocating for adoption will mean that all the adoption "meanies" will attack my blog and my family.

If I sat all day, I'm sure I could come up with more, but the point of this post is not listing all of the fears that ever exist and talking about each one individually. By looking at this list, it's obvious that I have had some major misconceptions about adoption. The hardest thing for me to admit is how long I was stuck in fear; how long I just glossed over the fears I had.

It's true. Fear can be rather debilitating, and it can drive your actions for good or ill. The point is to learn what fears are healthy and which fears are detrimental. As an hopeful adoptive parent, it's essential to list your fears. You need to learn what you are facing, what is holding you back. Most of the "sins" I've seen in adoption are usually sins of omission -- things people don't do simply because they're afraid. We think that doing nothing is not wrong, but doing nothing is really doing something. . .got that?

How do we combat these fears? How do we become healthy hopeful adoptive parents? Do you remember the "Just Say No!" campaign that came out in the 80's and 90's? The point was to teach children to learn how to say no to drugs, bullying, alcohol, etc. The curriculum was (and still is) to teach children by using case studies and giving them a chance to practice. Well, as adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents, we need to do the same things.

List your fears. Face them, and then educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Branch out. Read adoption literature, talk to people involved in adoption from all branches (adoptees, birth families, adoptive parents, caseworkers). As you do this, you will learn that some of your fears really aren't unfounded, but there are ways to face them head on. You will find your truths.

Yes, some fear is healthy. It keeps us aware of our actions and inactions. Fear can keep us humble in remembering that our pains and losses are not the only pains and losses, and many times, they are the lesser pains. The point is to not let fear run and ruin your life and your adoption path. Don't let it become the fog.

Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

I would like to introduce you to Karen who has a blog called Evil Mommy, don't judge her by the name. She is far from evil. The two of us are participating in an interesting forum that includes 60 different voices in adoption. Hosted by Open Adoption Bloggers, it is aimed at sharing all the opinions out there regarding open adoption. (Karen also interviewed me and you can click on her link to read that.)

Karen is one interesting woman! She is the adoptive mother of School Girl, she is passionate about knitting, she has a great love of music that is also quite versatile and she has a very intriguing political voice. She is a die hard fan of monster movies (with a soft spot for zombies!) and she is a self professed Marine with Tourettes, her words not mine. (The previous fact can also be applied to me, but I have to seriously curb it when I am volunteering with the kids ;-o ). Her voice makes you think, she very honest about her convictions and she is quite humorous. The first post of hers that I read made me laugh out loud and I told her that. Her Mommy's Rules of Conduct are fantastic! Rule #3 had me giggling as well, Way To Go Karen! I have enjoyed getting to know her and her personality through her words. This is my interview with her, and I encourage you to read her posts...like I said her voice is thought provoking. Did I mention that she has an interesting political view?

1. Your blog name story was interesting. I have heard before that some adoptive parents do feel guilty for taking someone else's child and you described how you felt about it very well. Do you feel differently now than you did when you first started your blog? Do you still feel like "Evil Mommy", or has that perspective changed?

Thanks to time and therapy (smile), I don't feel that way all the time. Those days still happen, but they're not quite as often.

2. You mentioned birthdays are hard for you. Do you think that is because when that time of year comes near you are reminded of the hardships you endured trying to adopt, the anxiety of waiting and not knowing before your child came to you?

There is some of that. I think about M a lot (our daughter's other mom), and about how that day is more between her and School Girl than for the rest of us. This year has been the first birthday that M has actually called and talked to School Girl on her own, without prompting, so that made things easier and more difficult at the same time, if that makes any sense. Part of it for years was the...surreality of it all. We weren't told about School Girl as a possible placement for us until 2 weeks after she was born. I almost missed her 1st birthday, if you can believe it - I was so focused on the date that we were placed I had to be reminded when her actual birthday was. School Girl has lots of pictures of her first three days in the hospital, thanks to M and her family. We look at those a couple of times a year now; it used to be more often. She's never asked where K (my husband) and I are in those pictures, but I suppose that will happen someday.

3. Do you think the negative media attention on the subject of adoption has any affect on adoptive parents point of view about birth parents?

Absolutely. Most of the information the media gives out about adoption, as we both know, is based on the most unusual circumstances. In just about every case, a problem was due to somebody in authority screwing up. I would go so far as to say every case. It just reinforces the stereotypes on every side - the big bad entitled adoptive parents who steal babies on one side, and the big bad birthmothers (and yeah, there are birthfathers involved in a few cases, but mostly we hear about birthmothers) who want to steal babies back from their "forever families". Conflict is easier to sell on the 10 o'clock news than normalcy, and I think that drives media coverage of everything. The only time that things are any different are in November, when they have the obligatory National Adoption Month feel-good story. Just once I'd like to see a story about a family that's in between. I'd also like to see more stories about birth parents and how they're dealing with their separation and loss issues. I think that would make a huge difference in how adoptive families look at birth families.


4.What was it that sparked your passion for knitting? How long have you been knitting? And lastly, who taught you how to knit?

I think learning how to spin yarn got me into knitting. For a lot of knitters, I know it's the other way round, but not for me. I've been knitting about the same length of time I've been spinning - just about 16 years now. My mother tried to teach me how to knit when I was School Girl's age; she had already taught me embroidery and was a knitter herself at the time, but I just couldn't get the hang of it. The second time I was self-taught with the aid of "Knitting Without Tears", a couple spindles full of yarn and a pattern for a sweater. Sadly, I ran out of yarn when I got to the sleeves and it wound up being frogged not long after.

5. What is your favorite thing about Colorado? Have you always lived there, or was there something that brought you to the Rockies?

The sun! There aren't quite as many sunny days as there used to be, but I do love the bright clear sunshine. Even when it's well below freezing, it just feels warmer when the sun's out. My husband's job brought us out here a little more than 10 years ago. We love being outside - hiking, camping, and mountain biking - and this is a great place if yu love the outdoors. Plus it's School Girl's home, so that keeps us here as well. I'm originally from the Jersey Shore (about 20 miles north of where "Jersey Shore" was set), but K is an Air Force brat who spent 10 years in the Bay Area and really misses that.
 
The following question was posed to me by Karen and I was so intrigued by it, I in turn asked for her opinion ...
6. Something that's been on my mind recently: What are your thoughts on federal rules for adoption, including legally enforceable openness agreements and better post-adoption counseling for both adoptive and first parents?
 
Like I said in the question, this has been on my mind a lot. The adoption rules vary wildly from state to state. Some states allow 90 days between placement and finalization, some states as long as 1 year. For example, here in Colorado, if a child is adopted as an infant the wait for finalization is 6 months; if a child is older than 1 year, finalization doesn't kick in for a year. We could only adopt through an agency; either the county DSS or a private agency. Even the differences in your placement experiences between MO and CA. If there were some uniformity there, it would be better for everyone, I think.
The adoption records issue is a tough one. I do think there are birthparents out there who do not want to be found. At the same time, the people asking for their original birth certificates are adults who deserve to have that information, whether they choose to search for their other family or not. I'd like to see adoption agencies and adoption lawyers step up and accept some responsibility in how individual adoptions are handled. Especially post-adoption counseling. I think you're right; there should be a much more thorough job with post-adoption counseling on all sides, but especially for birth/first parents. I know as adoptive parents, the only services we received were visits from our social worker in preparation for our court date. I understand that M was told by her social worker to "call if she needed anything". I feel like that was absolutely unacceptable, and led to some of her problems early on. Counseling, especially for birth/first parents, should be proactive. When you're feeling fragile is not the time when someone else waits for you to pick up the phone. They're the ones who should call, but all too often don't.

There are many different interviews and I encourage you to click on this link to read more voices involved.  I would like to thank Open Adoption Bloggers for this awesome idea and having me participate in such an interesting endevour! I believe that the more we know about those involved with adoption, the better we can understand each other. Knowledge is power.

Guest column: Relinquishing rights = fear on both sides

Guest column: Relinquishing rights = fear on both sides

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Thank you Open Adoption Examiner! What an honor to be the guest blogger today, I appreciate this. Interesting thoughts that I had about how relinquishing rights creates fear for both sides of parents in open adoption.