Until I Am Strong Enough To Carry On

When I was in my late twenties I sustained a work injury that really messed my back up to point that I limped for several years, endured physical therapy, was sent to learn a new trade because I would no longer be able to perform my old job .... Blah, blah, blah,

Long story short, eventually my back healed but from time to time I would move the wrong way or hike too long and just like that, it was back. That same nagging pain. I could mask it with medicine, but nothing helped more than stretching, walking and working out the pain until I was strong enough to carry on.

I feel the same way about adoption. Having been through it for the last 20+ years as a mother, I will admit that, no ... It has not been easy. I sustained an injury to my heart. That is a wound that of course is deep, but to add to it the fact that it was self inflicted made it much harder for me to wrap my head around. I had a really rough go in the beginning, totally devastated and could feel my heart hardening. Then time and love from friends and family helped heal, helped remind me that I am who I am. (If that makes sense).

And one day, I would hear something ... See something ... Smell something that would cut again, just as if I twisted my spine the wrong way, and I would have to go back to square one. However, after some years I learned that each time there was something new to be learned. Perhaps I cry at my son's ceremonies because I am reminded of all I missed with my adopted children? Perhaps my funk during spring is because orange blossoms remind me of the walks I would take while pregnant?

When that happens, when I make the connection, I try to revisit the scene if possible ... face it, take a deep breath and turn that memory back into a smile. Make it do what it used to do, before the loss. I do not do this because I want to forget the loss, that will never happen. Rather I am trying to replace the loss with the beautiful moments I experienced. The moments I want to keep with me, sacred, only important to me for my own reasons. And as with the back injury, I stretch my mind ... walk the memories and work through the pain until I am strong enough to carry on.

Raging About Adoption Education

Not long ago a blog I follow posted an interesting piece about raising adopted children. Her delima happened on a playground when she had to help her son out a bit when some kids started to rattle him about being adopted. She is a brilliant writer, funny and thought provoking with a touch of common sense that will sneak up and bite ya.

I commented on the post because as she often does, her words blew me away. Her compassion is rich, yet she is not afraid to point out what matters to her to anyone, regardless of the looks she may be the recipient of. Her simple post about manners in adoption sparked a 2 week debate from all kinds of people. Of course those in adoption. And those out of adoption. The point raised as to whether someone outside of adoption should make their own children aware of what adoptive families are like was the controversy. It was a fascinating read, and to be honest I looked forward to seeing the alert that someone new had commented. It was a good conversation, from all sides. I would have made you aware of it earlier, but there are things that have been pressing and I just have not had the proper time on this computer to say hello, how you been, sorry I've been gone and did ya hear about this?

If you have some time, this is the link to her post. And if you have room on your blog roll I would recommend adding her. She is a mom first, and everything else second. That is the point of view she gives. It is refreshing, and she will make you ponder things, that is for sure. I would love to know your thoughts on this if you have them.... Happy Summer!

Rage Against The Minivan ~ Parents, please educate your children about adoption so mine don't have to
  Oh and I know flamingos have nothing at all to do with this post, they just remind me of summer :)

The Best For You, Adoption Book Giveaway!

Been WAAAAY too long since we have done a giveaway, and I am in a really good mood so why not? It's a week of celebration for many, and for others a time to reflect. Whatever it is that you do with your Mother's Day this year I hope you will be celebrating the woman that you are!

Let's leave this post up until Monday, May 14th sot that there is plenty of time for all who wish to enter, can! What is it that you will be entered for? Why this of course ....

 
You see, I am a birth mother ... have been for over 20 years. I tried to find a book that would explain my point of view in adoption to help my children understand why it was that I chose adoption for them. I searched. And searched. Finally, after 15 long years of hoping I could find what I was looking for I decided to just bit the bullet and take a stab at what I wanted to see in a children's adoption book. The result? The Best For You, written and illustrated by little ole me!


So, here is what will put your name in the hat (literally, a hat. That is how I chose my winners ... old school style :) 

1. Leave a comment wishing anyone you want a Happy Mother's Day!

2. Retweet this post, then comment & leave the Twitter address where you posted.

3. Like my Facebook Page and leave a comment on this post that you were there.

4. Become a Follower of this blog & leave a comment on this post letting me know.(Right side of this blog for Follow box.)

5. Visit Adoption Voices Magazine, then leave a comment on this post telling me what you thought of it.

There you go! You can do all 5, you can do just one. No matter what you do, know that every time you comment on this post you will be entered to win one of two copies of The Best For You.


May your heart find peace and love this Mother's Day.

Happy Thoughts #14~ Who Could Have Known?

I do the book fairs for my son's school. I was asked to do it three years ago when the former chairman's child moved on to Middle School and I was eager to help out. I fell in love with the idea of changing a room into a Disneyland of amazement and wonder of books for these young children. Oh, there is nothing better than seeing a kid get all wide eyed, as their mouths curl at the ends until nothing but teeth can be seen when walking into the book fair for the first time. I am so into it that I have the self proclaimed pseudo name of Book Fair Betty. She is like a mix between Ms. Frizzle from Magic School Bus, and Phoebe from Friends. Crazy outfits, full of life, unending enthusiasm and creative ideas abound I am a bubbling handful when it comes to reading and kids. It is almost obsessive, me and my Book Fairs.



Read Around the World Book Fair

So, when I came into it I had a rep in Texas that I spoke to who held my hand through the process that first year. The following year I received a call from the new rep, a sweet sounding Southern Bell if I ever heard one. She was fun. Very spunky and so amazed that I did the things that I did with the book fair. She checked in on me often, which I appreciated because if I was getting ready to do a purchase for out of stock books, she would do it right there on the phone sending me what I needed before the next day's business. She is patient, kind and I LOVE listening to her talk. That long Southern drawl ... Like deep fried butter it is!


Read Around the World Book Fair

So, long about the end of last year I decided to send her a copy of my book. I enclosed a letter telling her a brief history and told her that I wanted her to understand my passion for books. I wrote one. I know the importance of authors and their connection to kids. Children's books are amazing gateways to a lifetime of learning, we all know that. So in order for my Southern Bell to understand that it is a passion, and not insanity that causes me to ga-ga for book fairs, I needed her to know who I was personally. I signed the book pretty generically, because after all she is really just an acquaintance through school ... it's not like we go out and shop or get a bite to eat. I mailed it off and did not think much about it after that. I do send out a lot of books to people and this was more of a thank you to her for always being so kind.

Read Around The World Book Fair

About a week or so later my cell phone rang and the screen said Southern Bell. I answered with a hearty hello. There was a momentary pause and I could hear her normally robust voice in a soft tone. She said that she had to call and thank me for sending her my book, and that she had been crying since reading it. I told her that I had no intention to make her sad and immediately I was feeling bad for sending it without some kind of warning. (I had never told her about my children in adoption.) She stopped me cold and told me that she and her husband had adopted a girl and the book touched her so much that she shared it with the office. I was stunned. I told her that I had no idea that she was an adoptive mom, and what a coincidence that neither of us knew of our connection to adoption.


BOGO Beach Fair

She told me how touched she was that I sent her the book. She cried as she told me her story and then told me thank you many, many times. Several times for being a birth mother, a few for having the courage to write such a beautiful story, several for more times for sending it and finally for just being me. For as much as she gushed, it was I that was crying on my end of the phone. I began to think it was not a coincidence, that it wasn't happenstance. I believe that for some reason the world brought us together, it was significant that we meet each other. She touched me that day, and on several days since then as I have thought about her during book fair season ... always with a smile.


Veterans: American Heroes Book Fair

In life, there are wonderful people who are just sent to us for a reason. We don't know why, we may take a while to find this mystical feature that will change us for the better. In a universe full of people who think they don't matter, let this be a reminder that you can touch someone in a good way, even without you knowing it, every ... single ... day.


Book Fair Betty with her Seuss skirt



Random Controversy

In life, there are no guarantees. I have heard that, and said it, probably 1,000 times in my life. I know, it's life and there are things that are beyond every one's control. I had a friend ask me the other day..."Why do you think there is so much controversy when it comes to adoption?" Love you, but lordy what a loaded question. Pertaining to....? Birthparents? Adoptees? The life long changing point of view for every single person who is or will be involved with you? Give me more to go on, it is too broad a question. I answered my thoughts about my view and how I see the other sides, but as always I start to thinking and then these things come to me.

Why the controversy?

Well, first and foremost there are moral views that some just cannot get past. It is a fact of life, there are those that think that having children and not raising them is immoral. Shame is put upon those who would be so slutty as to get pregnant and then not keep their child. What is it that make some so quick to judge? Some say it is religion. Some say it is common sense. Some say it is society that drives our thoughts. No one person is EVER going to have the exact same thought about anything, much less adoption! It is what it is to each and every person involved with it. Sure, it is life changing. Sure it is harder for some than others. Sure there are some who take a long time to heal or come out of the dark and see it for what it is (to them). Point is there is no real one answer for everyone. Some are happy with it all. Some are not. I personally like the fact that I can read such great blogs about a subject that has been SOOOOO lacking in the literary world. The more voices you read, the more the answers will come to you ... and on your own terms. No big agenda here, just thinking out loud.

Then there is a harsh view of adoption as an industry and soooo many voices out there who only see the process as a transaction. I understand your point, I have read the statistics and seen the reports of the injustices done by courts, lawyers, social workers and so on in the name of so called help. I also know that it is very difficult for those with the harsh views to understand someone who has had different. Or the adoptee cannot see the birth parent's view or vice versa, and don't even get me started on the views the two have of the adoptive parents. (another post for another time.) There are some organizations that do deceive with false advertising. There are some organizations that will purposely lie to place children with families that could be perceived as "better". Again, I understand the fight. There is reason to see that point of view. However I will be a Debbie Downer here and point out that there is a high percentage of people who are happy in their lives, who do not see it as a transaction but rather a blessing. A way to help themselves. A way to become a family. A way to ... This debate could go on and on!

As me, Kelsey, I am offended sometimes if someone accuses me of being brainwashed by the system, the adoption system. There is no need to be rude or forceful in your opinion of me, we just have different stories with a common denominator: pregnancy. I had a vision of what my story should be, what I had hoped it would be, and with years of work, respect and persistence I am now able to write of the good things I have in my adoption world. I am not ashamed nor will I ever be. I have many friends, personal life long friends, who are connected to adoption and there is so much that I have learned from them about the other sides of the triad. I talk openly about my adoption success in order to keep hope alive for those behind me. If you are solid and understand your reasons, believe in them, know why it is that you chose adoption...then that is all you need. 'Know who you are' my mother would say when I was acting foolish or self doubting.

I know who I am, I also know who my children are. I know that I did my best to show them that I cared, I was thinking about them and that I would be there when they wanted me in their lives. To my good fortune, they are now in my life, and I in theirs. I think that says so much for being honest with not only them, but also myself. Either way, I have been replenished with pride for having the gumption to keep going, keep believing and keep hope alive that it would all work out in the long run. This is something for which I am thankful every single day.

Now that is the most random thought I think I have ever had!

Why I babble about adoption...

Why do I write? Good question. I spent almost 17 years not venting or writing or dictating what I have lived. I told some, but not until the question "Do you have any kids?" opened the door for The Conversation. Other than that, I did not write about anything until I tried to FINALLY write my book. I always thought I would write a biography, my unique adoption story of living life without my children. (To my surprise, I really had a children's book in me.) My time on the Internet before my book consisted of watching old videos of bands I like, kids and animals doing funny things, emails from family and friends and the occasional research on a trip that was being planned. I did not look for adoption on the Internet because in my life, there was not a need for it.

You see, I have always known where my children are. I have been in contact through the US MAIL for their entire lives so I have been blessed with the good fortune of seeing them grow, knowing what they looked like, knowing what their interests were, hearing of how they were doing well in school and were also well liked. There was not much talk about the adoption in those writings, there was no need to. With every letter I wrote, I told them exactly how I was doing. If the time was hard I told them so. Just a "I am missing them a lot lately, but am so fortunate to know how and who they are." If the times were good, I always expressed my peace and my knowing that I did the right thing. I really had no fear of telling them where I was moving to, what profession I was exploring, what was going on in my personal life because I never wanted my children to ask them a question and them say..."I don't know." I was trying to make sure that the parents felt comfortable with me, knew me and felt reassured that I was not going to live life sad or regretful. They reciprocated in their letters with detail of how they were a complete family, how much joy they had in their lives. This was the key to my sanity.

They were the ones that I wrote to. Them and only them. Until August of 2009. That is when I released the book and began the one woman marketing campaign to get my voice to the world. A suggestion was made (Thanks Sheppard!) that I start a blog, tell my story my way in the new medium of life, the Internet. Blogger looked good, so I signed up there and my voice found a platform. Fantastic! I was having a ball just getting it all out. Thinking about thoughts that I have not visited in over a decade. I loved it. Then I started finding some voices that were not like mine. Voices that were not so pleased with their lives after placement, their lives as adoptees, their lives of waiting to have a child and struggling to understand the mind of a birth mother. The more I read, the deeper I fell into the dark side, the pitfalls of adoption. I knew full well the corruption that happens in the industry having lived in a not-so-birth-mother-friendly state where I was treated like a criminal, but I also knew the complete opposite of the industry when I went to a we-know-you-are-human adoption friendly state and was treated entirely different. I argued my points. They argued theirs, then proceeded to tell me that I did not know the journey. They were right, I did not know their journey. But I listened, I learned their stories, I learned their issues. There is no learning unless you listen.

So in the end, I am left with still telling my story and keeping the positives in there so people know that open adoption with clear communication and compassion can produce healthy relationships. But it is also good to know the other stories out there, the not so happy ones. The travesties that live in our society today that tear lives apart in the name of commerce. The injustices that happen in our country to step on birth mothers in the name of privacy. The sickening scams that leave parents not only heartbroken but vulnerable to fear of all birth parents in the name of I have no idea what! The worst, most sickening fact is that there are adoptees out there that have no access to their original birth certificates which is a fundamental right as an American citizen, just not for them. There is trust broken everywhere in adoption. There is fear everywhere in adoption. It will not go away overnight, but the more that is written, the more that is examined, the more we write to tell those stories ... well the better the chance that it will change. Change for the better.

I write to tell my story but I also have come to advocate for the positives in adoption as I know them. I will continue to tell people how I was able to keep hope alive, keep my heart courageous, keep communication going and keep trying to be open to my children and the difference it has made in all of our lives. I write because I have something to say. I write to make a change. I write to make sure that if someone out there needs to hear a positive story about adoption, they will find it here and know that someone was able to make it through living happily.

Happy Thoughts 8 ~ Polaroid Smile

As my daughter grew, I always sent her a gift on her birthday. The first couple of years it was a balloon bouquet. The bouquet changed once she became a girl and around her 5th birthday I sent roses, one for every year. She loved it, someone sending her flowers, and she knew that it was her mother, her birth mother. I continued on with the tradition every year and each time I would get a letter telling me how much she liked them and told everyone that the were from Kelsey. She knew I was thinking about her. She knew that I had never forgotten the day she was born and I was sending these as a token of the love that I still had for her beauty, her life and her amazing little soul. I still do it to this day, only now the vase is getting larger to hold all the beautiful roses.

The hardest year for me was when she turned 10. It was a milestone for me. She was a decade old. It had been ten years since we were one and it just did not seem possible that I had a 10 year old daughter. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful that I did, but it just hit me really hard. I had my own child at that point, had been married for a few years and our lives were both very happy, very fulfilled. But I just could not shake the sadness of the years I had lost, all the years that I had not seen her grow. It was the sports the most. I was a good athlete when I was in school and she was as well. I would have loved to have seen her play a game. She played two sports, one of which I also played all my life ... softball. I bet she had quick hands, and gave it her all going for a ball. I bet when she batted she lifted her front foot slightly and inward in order to adjust to the inside, or outside pitch. I bet when she ran she slid around the outside of the plate to avoid a tag. I would have really enjoyed seeing her on the field, in the batters box, perhaps behind the plate like her mother? So these were the kind of thoughts that I had and made me begin to doubt myself only in that perhaps she wasn't seeing it the way I did. That the flowers were just some cordial delivery that were for show.

So I made arrangements to pick the flowers and send the card. That is another thing I do, I make sure that I send a card that I chose with a personal message from me that is delivered with the bouquet. I really believe in being personal, writing what you feel and making sure that the words get to who it needs to go to and in this case, it was my daughter on her 10th birthday. So I chose all pink with beautiful fill and a pink ribbon on a beautiful vase. I liked it, and I was filled with that familiar feeling of accomplishment. It wasn't easy keeping the tradition that year, but I did it. I knew it would make me feel better just knowing it was on it's way to her, would be there the day she woke up and it was something she liked to receive. I was busy with my life and what with a toddler, well there is no rest until they are out of energy! I filled my days with laughter from my boy and on her actual birthday I took him to a park, baked a cake and played with playdoh for a few hours until I fell asleep, with him snuggled up next to me in his bed.


Two weeks after her birthday, I got a letter in the mail. I did not recognize the handwriting, but I did recognize the address. It was Bella! I opened it immediately and pulled out a purple piece of paper and a Polaroid picture. I stared at the picture. It was her, sitting in a chair with the roses, in her arms, resting on the table. Her smile just has wattage, I mean it jumped right out of the picture at me. She was wearing a pink shirt and jeans. There was a headband in her hair. She had pretty earrings. I looked at it for a while, not crying or upset or anything. I just looked at it. She looked so happy, she looked so proud. I opened the paper and it was, for the first time, a letter in her handwriting. This simple piece of paper brought immediate tears and filled my heart with the most amazing love. It was the first time she had ever done this, my contact with her had always been through her parents. It worked out that way for a long time, and I guess this time she wanted to write the letter. It was a giant step for her parents I am sure, to show the acceptance to her though that one small, simple act. I am so very thankful for those parents that I have, they were always in my corner and let me take the lead when it came to keeping in touch through the years.

Her letter said that she was so excited when she got the flowers. She looked forward to them every year, and this year they were so beautiful. She said that they made her feel special because she knew that I was thinking of her. She then said thank you and told me that she would like to see me sometime. Love, Bella.

Simple letter, not much said. But it spoke volumes that she accepted me and was going to love me in her life. It was the single most beautiful letter I have ever received. Thanks Bella, for everything.

Adoption is....

A few weeks ago I asked this question on my facebook page and I got some great responses. I will share them with you now and if you have anything to add, please feel free!!!!!!!

Adoption is...

...God's love given twice.

...AMEN! Our son's birthmother just flew in today to spend the weekend with us and go to our adoption agency's annual picnic. We are all very excited and feeling the love!

...A blessing in disguise, worth it but hard. Amazing.


...Fostercare Adoption is like...a box of chocolate....you know the rest. (it's okay to laugh).

...a learning experience.

...a journey.

...An adventure.

...the gift of a life of love for the child (me) from all involved.


...Amazing. It's hard for awhile but worth every tear.

 ...the hardest decision I have ever had to make but the most important one....

...Joyful, sad, hard, but rewarding.

...loss for all BUT life,choices,families and LOVE

...a heart stretching, charity teaching, life healing miracle.
...bittersweet. (from a birthmom's point of view)

 ...I agree and that has been my one word for it for a while now. And was it on your blog Kelsey a while back, "One's greatest accomplishment and biggest regret" (Still trying to find where I said this...)

...Never let it be a regret! Being adopted has been a gift to me EVERY day & I'm about to turn 40! ♥

...my life, my love, my CHOICE.

...Difficult and heartbreaking and yet, when it works well, so rewarding.

..."bittersweet joy." (especially placement.) it is also "more family." really felt that this weekend as we chatted with our oldest's birth mother. man, she is the coolest.

...The greatest thing you never knew you wanted!

 Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me...does anyone else have something to add? Please DO!

Also, don't forget to check out the Bloggers Unite Adoption Awarness button at the top of the blog. Let your voice be heard and let's make the changes that need to be made in adoption!

Mother's Day Comes and Goes

I have always struggled with Mother's Day. First, I'm a birth mother and have been for a long time so the day has it's own history of tremendously sad days while other years are beautiful days that only real peace can produce. This year, was by far the best. It was not necessarily what anyone did or gave me. It was not the flowers and homemade cards, although those were a definite highlight! It was not any monumental thing that happened, it was a culmination of a year of discovery that I never would have thought could happen in my lifetime.

 Writing The Best For You was a gigantic labor of love. I had that book in me for over 15 years and I knew what I wanted to say but not HOW I should say it. I thought long and hard about how it should read, how it should look. Then I had my own boys. My whole world changed and I came to the realization that children are a true gift from God. I always knew that, but once you begin to care for one...hold it in your arms as they cry...hold them in your arms as they laugh...they are a miracle to say the least. With this epiphany I had to rethink some things about the book. More years passed and I could not really wrap my head around how to convey the journey that I had been through, after all...it is forever evolving and everyday is a new challenge. So once I finally wrote it, the words actually flowed out of my fingers and with little editing I had the perfect manuscript that was both informative yet compassionate. Now ... the illustrations were a whole other bear! I do not consider myself an artist so this undertaking of putting what was in my head onto that paper, well, let's just say that I eventually went out and bought the very best eraser that I could find, pure white. It was a year and a half later that I was finally satisfied with the final outcome and ready to share it with the world. So I sent it out, but ...
 Others were not so happy to see the book and I got the feeling that people were scared of this kind of voice, this kind of honest point of view directed at children regarding such a sensitive subject. Of course some are going to say that it is too much for kids, they do not understand the complicated web that is adoption. They could not see that this book, whether it is the story of that particular child or not, could help anyone understand a little better the real life reasons a woman might choose adoption for her child. I know it is a touchy subject for some, but I also believe and advocate for those little voices who have so many questions about themselves. I think they want some honesty for a change, I know I like honesty as a character trait. So I said thank you very much to the doubters and just moved on. I decided that I was the only one who was going to get this book where it needed to be, so I self published two weeks after my 39th Birthday. It was a dream come true! It was an accomplishment that was so personally satisfying to me. It had been years since I had just done something for me, something that I had been wanting to do for over a decade was finally a reality in my warm little hands.

 What has followed has been nothing short of amazing! I have been contacted by so many who read my words, find comfort in what I have to say and tell me they feel they have found someone who understands the complications of this particular heartbreak. My voice has been able to make those that feel so alone and helpless hear a positive story that has been growing strong for two decades, and continues to get better. But the best part of releasing my book is the love I have received from my children, all of them, and my husband. What support I have, what love surrounds me, what encouragement I receive from them. Every step of the way they have been behind me, pushing me up the hill that is self marketing, reminding me that I am the best mom ever (words from Bodde and Chase directly), smiles and hugs when they read a review of the book and endless bragging that I am now an author.


My daughter has told me time and time again that she is so very proud of me and thinks I am the strongest person she has ever known. And in releasing the book, well, it was the opening to my twin sons finding me then reaching out to me to say..."Hey, we think you are pretty great." What a wonderful feeling to hear your adopted children say these things, it is enough to make my heart skip a beat as a perm a-smile spreads from ear to ear. This book was originally written just for my children whom I placed as they embarked on pinnacle points in their lives. I did not want any more time go by without them knowing just how hard it was to let them go, how much I thought about them on a daily basis, how much I really loved them but just could not care for them when I was younger. What I wrote for them opened up a flood of thoughts that has turned into a blog with followers, a fan page that grows everyday with more who just want to connect to others who share a sisterhood like no other, and an abundance of new friends. I have been so very blessed this past year and I thank all of you for hearing me, listening to what I have to say. I thought about it all on Sunday, then I smelled my flowers and smiled.



So this past Mother's Day was a very sweet reminder that no matter what kind of mother you may be, there is something to be said for just embracing who you are and loving the woman you've become.

Why do people think Birth Mothers do not have morals? WHY?!?!?!?!

“They are a strong, Christian, pro-life family. They figured I must have had morals, since I kept him,” Stephanie said. ~ fwdailynews.com

This statement ruined an otherwise great article I was reading about a woman who found herself pregnant at a young age and kept her baby. She continued with school, was able to pull her life together and she is now trying to teach teenagers that abstinence is the best solution for sexual deviance. It was a great read, until I hit that particular sentence...then I was just mad. So because I took responsibility for my actions and did what I thought was best for my child at the time, that means in some people eyes I have no morals? Because I asked for help at a time when so many would not or could not, I have no morals? Because I chose to let my children walk without me and have a life far better than I could have ever provided for them, I have no morals? Well, I have a few things to say about that and some of you may not like it.

Morals definition: 1) of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical: moral attitudes. 2) capable of conforming to the rules of right conduct: a moral being. 3) of, pertaining to, or acting on the mind, feelings, will, or character: moral support. I was raised in a home with strong morals and it was that strong upbringing that lead me to choose adoption for my children. I took responsibility for my actions and although it did not benefit me, I made a decision based on what I thought was best for my children at that particular time in my life, and more importantly, their lives. I was not able to care for a child then. I was not of sound mind and body to care for my children at the time. And since I have a deep religious faith, I asked God for his guidance to help with my heartbreaking decision to place my children with other families. I do not think that my morals were bad at the time, in fact, I think they were right on the money according to definition #1. I did not think that it was right that I should be raising children when I was already having a difficult time myself. I knew in my heart that I was not the right parent for them, I knew that. And when I asked God to help me, he confirmed to me that I was right in my thinking. How do I know that? Because he sent me the right parents to do so. He lead me to the couples that understood what I needed to know in order to relinquish my rights as their mother and allow them to be raised by another family. He helped me every step of the way and then some. 20 years later, He is still showing me that I made the right decision for my children in the way they think of me, are proud of me, and consider me a strong woman with an abundance of courage. I think to say that keeping your child in a difficult situation is the morally right thing to do is a slap in the face of all those women who live every day with a hole in their heart for doing what they thought was morally sound in their mind.

Does this article say that those that do choose adoption for their children are not moral? That is how I read it. But I am here to tell you that my morals were in line with what He wanted me to do. And the bottom line is that if He sees that I did what I thought was best, well, His opinion is what really matters. His and my children's opinion. As long as they understand that their mother loved them enough to admit that she could not raise them alone and did her best to make sure that were taken care of, well then I would say that my morals were right on the money.

It is statements like the one above that just make others think badly of birth mothers/first mothers and to me, that is a real shame.

OAB Roundtable Anniversary Interview: The Birth Mother Voice

Many have asked about the interview that Karen did with me, so I am going to post it here so you can read. She is on WordPress and I still encourage you to take a look at her blog, she is one very funny woman!
Here it is..... Posted on March 22nd, 2010 by Evil Mommy

For the Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable anniversary this month, Heather came up with a great idea, the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. The rest of the blogger pairs are up here. Go over and browse the other ones too, because they look really interesting.

My interview subject was Kelsey Stewart from The Birth Mother Voice. She is a first mother who has an open adoption with 3 of her children and is raising 2 sons with her husband. She is also the author of a children’s book about adoption written from a first parent’s perspective, The Best For You. I’ve really enjoyed reading her blog. Right now she’s doing a series about her parents, her mother, and the birth and placements of her first 3 children. It’s incredible, lovely stuff.

And now, my interview with Kelsey:

1. I know that you have both placed children and a child that you’re raising. Have they met each other? How did you handle discussing that with the kids?

My daughter met my son Bodde when he was an infant, but there has been no direct contact since then. The twins have not met our family yet. My children now, two boys 10 and 6, have always known that I have other children and they understand that they have two older brothers that do not live with them. I never hid anything from my children and I am honest about their questions. They love my book and I think that reading it, and knowing that their mother wrote it, makes them very proud and they understand that adoption can be a good thing for everyone involved. They have asked some very tough questions, but they always understand that I did what I thought was best for my other children at the time. They are anxious to meet their siblings, but know that it may be some time before that happens. They are not at all shy about talking about it, matter of fact they explain our story quite well to others. You know kids, they can see things in a much different light than adults.

2. Do all of your children have memories of your mom? (There’s a reason beyond general nosiness that I’m asking)

No. My daughter was fortunate enough have spent time with her. She has very fond memories of my mother and tells me often how much my mother meant to her. Unfortunately, my mother died one month after my son Bodde was born. Chase came three years after him, so neither one of them knew her. They know about her, what kind of person she was because all of our family talks about her still to this day. My boys know that she meant a great deal to me and they are so sweet, they tell me all the time how proud my mom would have been of me now.

3. Something that’s been on my mind recently: What are your thoughts on federal rules for adoption, including legally enforceable openness agreements and better post-adoption counseling for both adoptive and first parents?

This is a good question all though it is a rather loaded one. I think a huge problem with adoption as a whole lies within the justice system and laws that surround it. I know that there are many adoptees out there who need to know information about their beginnings and medical history. I also know that there are many birth parents out there who were promised that their information would never be released without their consent. I think it is a travisty that there cannot be a middle ground here. I believe that an adoptee has a fundamental right to their original birth certificate because as Americans, they have a constitutional right to that information. But, I do not believe that that information should be released based on what someone NOW is making into law. It is a double edged sword that I do not think will be resolved anytime soon. It seems to me that there are far too many who work in the system who do not understand adoption and a big majority of them may be biased about the subject. If there was a better understanding of adoption in our society, then there could be real advancements made to improve the process for all involved. Right now, I think there are far too many people involved in the law making process and all those opinions are hindering the advancements that could be made.

I believe that after counseling is the key to helping deal with the loss of a child and the gain of a mother who an adoptive couple will be forever linked to. Think about it, there are rehabs for all kinds of problems: alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex addiction, depression, etc. Have you ever seen a place that was solely designed to help birth parents deal with life after their child is gone? Not one. Sure there are homes set up to house them during their pregnancies, but the lack of care and help after baby is born is almost non existant in this country. It astounds me that no one thinks of that. That these new parents are left to deal with a loss so profound our society cannot even offer help. I want those laws to change and I want to see more attention given to the courageous people who do place their children for adoption. If there was more support I think you would see adoption rates rise and many more healthy birth parents living lives without shame.

4. What got you started writing?

Well, I wrote my children’s book just as a gift for my daughter. Once she received it she encouraged me to share it with the world. Once I self published the book, I received some great advice from a publisher that I should start blogging to get my voice out there. Once I started, I could not stop. It has been a very healing and insightful endevour so far. I am humbled everyday by people who contact me thanking me for being so honest about my journey. If you ask my husband, he would say that I write too much. But that is just because my house is not as organized as it used to be….before the keyboard became my muse.

5. What are your 3 favorite things about living in California?

The landscape always astounds me, the camping is limitless…and I am only a 5 hour drive from Las Vegas, Nevada! I have a thing for Vegas, such a great city to explore.

6. How did you get started watching hockey? What team/s do you follow?

I bleed blue, as in St. Louis Blues. I had a great friend in grade school who was a hockey nut. She had a notebook full of stats, names, teams…it was fascinating. When I watched my first game I was impressed at how incredibly well those guys skated! Once I saw my first game live, in the Checkerdome in St.Louis I was hooked! Nothing like a live hockey game.



Go read more over at Evil Mommy.

PS ... Sande's Baby Loves Bruce ~ chapter 7 in her life

Life after baby was strange for both my mother and I. We became even closer than we were before and I think it had to do with both of us having our hearts broken first by our beloved men, then with the adoption of my first child, her first grandchild. We relied on each other heavily for the following year. She was supportive and also wanted me to look into taking action against the State of Missouri for their terrorist like treatment of me. I refused, I did not want to be in front of one more person explaining my life. I was done explaining me to people I did not know. I wanted to just move on and try to live life the best I could. We kept in touch with my daughter and her parents were excellent about sending updated pictures and letters. I cannot even begin to tell you how comforting those envelopes were when we would see one in the mail box. My mom and I would sit for hours and look at her, then get out the photo albums and compare the genes within our family tree. It was astounding how much she looked like me. I am not kidding, she was the spitting image of me in the face with dark hair and olive toned skin. She was so beautiful and in every single picture was a gigantic smile on her face. She looked truly happy, so comfortable in her home with her family, it was hard not to smile through the tears of missing her. I had proof in my hands that she was a loved and spirited child.

But at the same time, it was also kind of sucky to know that she was so happy without me. I couldn't help but think 'Will she ever know how much I think about her? Will she ever know that I am only doing what I thought would be best for her? Can she ever forgive me for not raising her, hugging her daily, showing her the world myself?" These were questions that were blatantly on my face because my mother could see it.

"You do know that you are very brave, don't you?" my mom would ask me. I would usually just nod and blow off the comment.
She asked me often until ... "No. I do not feel brave." I responded one time.

"Well, let me tell you something. I could never have done what you did for that baby girl. Matter of fact, I am not sure that I know anyone who could have done that. I am a strong woman who has been through a lot. But you have seen much more that I ever did at your age and I am amazed at how you show me everyday what it is to be brave in the face of heartache. I know that you may not see it now, but you truly are my hero. I am proud of you and will always be proud of what you did."

I was floored, She was the one who was always strong, I thought she was brave. Here she is telling me how proud she was of me, that she wishes she could be more like me. WOW. I was stunned, and so filled with love for her.

"Mom, I am brave only because you taught me to be that way. You have shown me respect and love in the face of humiliation and ridicule. I would never consider myself any braver than you."

She looked at me and smiled. "But you were strong enough to ask for help when so many others would not have. You were smart enough, and mature enough to admit that you could not provide for your child. I know that I could never ask for help like that."

I had never thought of it in that way before. I realized that she was right. Asked for help. By God I did ask for help, and I also expressed my thoughts on how I thought that it would be better for my daughter to always know where I was, and who I was. Conversations like this were frequent and often so healing for me. She never shied away from talking about the adoption, she welcomed it encouraging me to get things off my chest. She should have been a therapist.


In the following year I slowly began to try to return to normal life. I was beginning to feel depressed again and I was trying to use what I had learned in treatment to get back on my feet. I started to spend more and more time with my good friends who all knew about the adoption, but kind of shied away from talking about it. Not that they did not want to hear me, I just think they did not know what to say to help me. Heading into the summer I found myself hanging out with my friend Bruce much more than usual. It all started when we discovered that we both liked hockey...correction, we loved hockey! I had recently moved out of my mom's in an attempt to remove myself from such familiar settings, and I move in with my dear friend Marie that I worked with. She had a boyfriend and was at his house often, unless we were working at the restaurant together, so most of the time I had the place to myself.

Bruce started coming over all the time because we really did get along well and we made each other laugh. I had been friends with him since high school so we had many of the same friends. He had a girlfriend for a long time, but she had moved to another state at the beginning of the summer which freed up some of his time and I think he just like hanging out with a female friend to replace the loss he was feeling. He was tough, hilarious, likable, gutsy and yes, kind of cute. He was a true friend ... loyal beyond what you could ask for, always had your back and never judged people based on what was on the exterior. He did not care what others thought about his brass personality, he brought life to a party and mischief to the most ordinary task with a laugh that was quite contagious. It wasn't until the end of the summer that we both discovered, at about the same time, that we were madly in love. I mean it really snuck up and just bit us in the ass. Literally. One day I woke up thinking...'Wonder what I will do today?" and the next day I woke up and thought...'Wonder if Bruce is thinking about me? Wonder what he is doing today?' He will tell you that it started long before that, that he always thought I was intriguing. He just saw me in a different light over those warm nights in my apartment partying with friends. He says that we were attracted to each other long before that night. That amazing night when we said ... 'Let's see where this goes.' As I sit here writing this we are heading into our 19th year of loving each other. I would say it has gone pretty well so far.


One problem. Pretty Sande. She was not thrilled that I was living out of the house, and now she was seeing that Bruce and I were a little more than friends. She loved Bruce. She would laugh and laugh with him, she got the biggest kick out of his attitude. He was originally from New York and that fascinated her as well. He was a good friend of mine for several years, through thick and thin, and he never let me down. What's not to like? Well, this all changes when you begin to date that friend. My mother did a quick 180 on Bruce. She did not want her baby to get hurt like before, and with the added factor that I was still fragile from the adoption, to say that her radar was on mother-overload would be an understatement. She was cordial to him when he would come to visit, but she was not as warm before. I think it was her way of letting him know that no matter how many laughs they had before we started dating she was not going to let her daughter get her heart broken without her trying to prevent it. She was protecting her cub, but the cub was not appreciating it. I was thinking to myself that I had lived a lifetime in the last three years and if he is what made me happy then I was going to explore that happiness to the fullest extent. I was a little aggravated because I knew that he was the one, I already knew that I was never going to love another man the way that I loved him. I had learned from the women in my family and I made sure that I was expressing myself honestly and openly with him. There was not too much that he did not already know about me, so there really was nothing to hide. It was a great honest start to a romantic and perfectly fitting courtship.


Fast forward to when I learned I was pregnant with the twins. My mother was again, so supportive of me. I told her that Bruce was willing to let me handle all of the adoption and he would do whatever it took to support me. She was beginning to see that we were really in love with each other and she was impressed that he did not fly the coup when he heard the word "pregnant". She could see that he was a gentleman and wanted to take care of me the best he could. She was proud of him for making the decision with me, and even prouder that he in no way treated me any differently because I was pregnant. As I prepared to leave for California she started to show signs of stress at the airport. I told her that I was going to be fine, I would be staying with family and if I ever needed her that I would call. She made me promise to call her at least once a day, if not more. She was just wanting to make sure that I had an outlet, that I had support and that I knew that she supported me yet again. I was a little nervous to go to Cali. I knew my cousins there, but I had never really spent any length of time with them. It was always in passing when they came to visit, or at family reunions so the access was limited. Bruce was very sad that I was leaving and he thought that he should be doing more. I told him the best thing he could do for me was to check in with my mom from time to time and make sure she was doing okay. He agreed, although he admitted that he was a little frightened to do so. She was still kinda giving him the cold shoulder.

I fit right in with my cousins and just like they said they would...my mother and Bruce called every single day to check on how I was doing. I was loving the beauty of California and also loving the time away to really access what I needed to do to prepare my mind and soul for the second adoption. The morning I went into labor I tried desperately to get a hold of Bruce to tell him it was time. I was too late, he had already left for work and this was before cell phones and pagers. He would not be able to get to Cali in time for the birth, so I told my mother to just get on a plane in the morning and come to Cali without Bruce. He did not seem to mind, I think he was nervous about the whole thing. He knew what I had been through with my daughter and he was worried about how I would handle this adoption. The twins were born in the evening with no epidural, no drugs, it was an all natural delivery as per my doctor's orders. They were healthy and good sized, breathing well and quite long for twins. Their parents were right there in the room with me to witness their boys coming into the world. That was so wonderful for me to see. (For the full story please see Happy Thoughts #3 on this blog). I was so relaxed compared to the Missouri adoption. I felt like it was a completely different world there.

When I woke up the next day, sitting there next to me with a smile on her face was my mother. I looked at her, and I began to cry. She held me and sat with me for most of the morning. When they brought the babies in, she was a puddle of mush. She cooed and sang little songs. She took endless pictures and told me how handsome they were. She met the parents and told them that they did not ever need to worry about her daughter changing her mind, she reassured them that I was a very strong woman. We spent our time with the babies until they were released to go home. We said our goodbyes, hugged them one last time and told the parents to make sure to tell them just how much they were thought of and loved from afar. With joy in their hearts, they agreed to keep in touch as much as they could. Then we watched as the twins left to begin their new lives.


After the births, my family could tell that I need a pick me up and they decided a nice get away up North would do the trick. We traveled up the Pacific Coast Highway and what a beautiful drive it was. I had never seen such amazing landscape before. Beautiful green mountains on my right, aqua blue and emerald green ocean to my left topped off with just gorgeous sunsets. We traveled far enough to see Monterey and Carmel and I just could not believe that I was still in the United States! The scenery was brilliant, and it did take my mind off of the heartache that lied beneath my bright smile. It was in that trip that my mother did everything to make me laugh and forget my worries. My very favorite story about my mom happened on that trip. We spent the night in a cabin in No Cal with no phone, no radio, and horror or horrors...no TV! If there was one thing my mother loved it was her nightly programs. My mom was freaking out, so she fashioned a tin foil antentae hat to try and channel something in her head. Sitting there, with the shiny, mishapen hat on her head, she began staring at the ceiling. Soon she said..."Pat, I would like a T please....okay, I would like to buy a vowel, an A!" She was imagining that she was watching Wheel of Fortune. Just hilarious!!!!

I could not wait to get back home. I was just dying to see Bruce, to hold him, to squeeze him, to tell him how much I missed him. We returned on a Sunday and I knew that he was playing hockey. My mother could tell that I was chomping at the bit to see him so she told me to "go, go see that man of yours." I drove my car to the rink and walked in undetected. I spotted him taking a break and walked up behind him. Our friend was there talking to him and he looked shocked to see me standing there, but the shock soon turned to elation as he said..."Well hello stranger! Great to see you!" Bruce had no idea who R was talking to and he turned around. Our eyes met. He threw off those stinky gloves and grabbed a hold of me and just held me. I did not care that he smelled like the entire locker room of the St. Louis Blues. It was like breathing in freshly blooming jasmine on a warm summer night. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt like a whole woman again. We stood there for what was like an eternity just embracing each other after such a long absence.We stood back and just gazed at each other, never saying a word. Finally the silence was broken and R said...

"So I guess this means that Bruce is done playing hockey?"

 To which Bruce replied..."You got that right brother. I will see you in a couple of days."

He grabbed his bag and as we were leaving R said, "Well, it's good to have you home Kels. We sure did miss you."

I thanked him and walked arm and arm out of the rink with my loving man. We were ready to start our lives again. And even though we had a rough road ahead of both of us, we were feeling rather optimistic about our future. I think I smiled for the next two days just being at his side. I thought that I loved him before I left. The following year would prove to be filled with more love, learning and laughter. And that is just what the doctor ordered.


Next chapter...I leave home for good and Sande hears words that she has longed to hear for years and years.

Happy Thoughts... #6

While in college I had a friend who was adopted. I remember talking to him about his feelings towards adoption, his feeling about his parents and if he had any desire to find his birth parents. He was a great guy, funny, smart, hilarious and a fantastic card player! (we were Rummy and Gin freaks back then! Probably should have been studying...) He lived not too far from where my dorm was and I actually met him through his roommate who was in a Communications class with me. Let's call them Tom and Tim, Tom being the classmate and Tim being the adopted friend. I spent a lot of time with them that year, and am proud to say that I still occasionally talk to them.


When I talked with Tim about his life story, he was never ashamed or afraid to tell people that he was adopted. As a matter of fact, he was the first person that I had ever met that was not totally pissed off about being adopted, remember this was 20 years ago and the general thought about adoption was that it was a taboo subject and unless you were looking for a fight, you just did not bring the topic up with anyone. This is why I found Tim so intriguing, so strong. He talked about it like you would talk about your favorite show. He would smile, he would be happy to tell you the details and he was genuinely comfortable sharing his story with you. He told me that he was always raised knowing he was adopted. He said..."I knew I was German. I knew I had brown eyes. And I knew I was adopted, my parents never hid that from me." It was refreshing to hear that. I had a friend in high school that found out the day he graduated that he was adopted and it had a very negative effect on him. He went into a state of depression, lost interest in college, dropped out and I now have no idea where he is or how he is. Just goes to show that keeping secrets as big as that can have a negative impact on an adoptees life.


Tim and I talked every so often about his story, his life. I was always impressed by his demeanor and honesty when talking about adoption. He said that he was totally comfortable with the fact that he was placed at birth and was thrilled that he would soon be able to find out who his real parents are. (In Missouri you have to wait until you are 21 to start looking for your parents, it is a very conservative state. They are very strict about their privacy laws for birth parents and it makes it hard for adoptees to find their families.) He said that if there was anyting at all that he would change it would be that his adoption be open, not closed. Tim spoke so sweetly about his birth mother, telling me that he understood why some people choose adoption for their children and he had no ill feeling towards his birth parents for making such a bold and brave decission. He told me that he did not know the cirrcumstances, but was very proud of his birth parents for loving him enough to give him a great start in life. I had never met anyone like him. I had never met anyone who was comfortable with their adoption before him.


Fast forward to the day I delivered my daughter. It was a very difficult delivery that lasted almost 24 hours and I was exhausted, sweaty, hungry and so incredibly sad that the pregnancy was over. It took a while for the staff to get me out of the delivery room, mostly because I had gained so much weight and the epidural was still in full effect which did not allow me to move...AT ALL!, but they finally were able to wheel me into recovery where I asked for something to eat. I was feeling very low. I was bigger than I had ever been, I had no self esteem at all at that point, I was already mourning the loss of my baby, I was STARVING and yes, I was still a bit cranky from the trauma of delivering my first child, a child that I knew would not go home with me. I lay there in my bed with my mother by my side, she was doing her best to comfort me but not annoy me at the same time. I told her that I had to eat, I was feeling naucious. She called the nurse and soon I had a bowl of Cheerios in front of me. I tried to eat, but my whole body was shaking because of all the blood loss and lack of sleep that I had had the night before, I could not get the food to my mouth without everything dancing off of the spoon! My sweet mother took the spoon from me and began to feed me the Cheerios. I was balling. Tears in a constant stream, trying to catch my breath balling. Snot bubbles frothing out because I was trying to get something into my shriveled stomach. It was just not a pleasant scene.


Then there was a knock at the door. When it opened, there were Tim and Tom. I was mortified! Oh Lord, I was a mess! I looked terrible, felt even worse and I still could not stop crying. But to look at their faces, you would have thought I was ready for the walk down the red carpet in an amazing De la Renta dress looking FABULOUS! Thier faces were beaming, their body language screamed how happy they were and they spoke in low tones to respect the other patients.


"Why are you here?" I asked. I know it sounds rude, but I really was a little delusional at that point. "I look awful, you should not see me like this." I stated to them. They both smiled. "We are not going to stay long, we just wanted you to know how proud we are of you." They said in so many words. Then Tim leaned in close to me and said..."I just wanted you to know that you are beautiful. You have no idea what an amazingly selfless thing you are doing for this baby. I am here to tell you that you are strong, you are incredibly brave, and as an adoptee....I thank you for being such a great mother. I can only hope that my birth mother is as wonderful as you are."


Yep, I know. I am crying just writing it! He was such a Godsend that day. He and Tom made me feel special, they made me feel appreciated at a time when I did not even appreciate myself. I don't know if they know how much those 5 minutes meant to me, how much it helped to know that they supported me and my decision.Sometimes just a few words can change so many things. Sometimes it is the friends in life that help carry us when we need it most.


Thank you Tim and Tom, your kindness has lived in my heart for many years now. You are two friends that I will never forget!

Red Hot Issue! How do we help pregnant teens choose what is right for them?

After a recent post I received a question from a reader. "I work daily with young women who are in unplanned pregnancies.I don't think our discussions about adoption are getting through at all. These children are not able to care for a child, many of them have no outside support, yet they think they can do this and do it well.. My heart breaks for them and their children. How can we talk about adoption in a way that helps the young ladies consider this possibility for themselves..It is difficult but there is a better way...Thank you for sharing your story."

I have been contacted more times than I can count with this question. It is a difficult one to answer because adoption is such an unknown territory for so many. I have blogged before about how the media is teaching our children that it is alright to have unprotected sex, that the concequences really are not that bad, and that anyone can be a parent just because they have a child. There is no easy way to answer this question from this reader, but I will offer my OPINION as to what can be done to help anyone out there make an educated choice about how to best choose what is right for them and their child. So please bare with me as I begin...

First and foremost, we must understand what our teenagers are facing today and what they have grown accustomed to in their lives. This generation that we have coming into young adulthood have lived in an "Instatnt World". They do not remember a time in their life without computer access. They do not remember a time in their life with out cell phones. They do not remember a time when you had to be patient to find answers, to be patient in trying to reach someone, to be patient waiting for an outcome. Things in our world are so instant, so accessable at a moment's notice that we have all become a little impatient with patience. It is the toll that our society has to pay for technology taking us into the new century. It has been wonderful to have this world of "right now", but it does nothing for teaching life to our children. The instant world has ruined time management, attention spans, face to face contact and to some extent, our relationships. How many times have you  been somewhere and seen two people sitting having coffee and both are texting on their phones? Or been at a local baseball game or park and seen parents looking at their phones instead of their children paying? The teenagers today are living in a much different world than ever before.

Now, with that in mind let's take a look at why so many are not considering the option of adoption when they find themselves pregnant at 16. In order to even consider adoption, one has to put themselves aside and do what is best for their baby. This means you have to have maturity and morals. Have you had a conversation with a teenager today? There are so many that have no moral values or even respect for life. That is a bold statement, and I can back it up. Most youngsters are in serious denial about the value of life. Watch the news. There are reports of how people are walking into work places and schools and shooting people. There are reports that girls are having babies and throwing them into dumsters. There are reports of gangs of girls who beat each other up and video tape it so they can have their 15 minutes on television. There are reports of scandalous affairs that public officials and stars are having yet we forgive them because they are so talented! There are tv shows that are glamourizing teenage pregnancy, wait there are about 4 shows that do that. With all of this going on, why would our youth take the value of life seriously? Ask a teenager what a moral is and you might be looking for an answer all day long. If they do not value what they have, then how are they to be mature enough to make such a decision for their child? It is a sticky issue to say the least.

When you factor in the "instant world" with an absence of moral values, then we are just asking for trouble wehn it comes to these young minds who are confused and feeling alone. We cannot expect them to make a good decision because they have had no POSITIVE examples of what to look up to. Jamie Lynn Spears and Bristol Palin are not good examples of what to do when you are unmarried, young and pregnant. Who are? Well, I am but who the hell knows me? No one. The media does not want to promote a positive view of life as a birth mother because that would be morally wrong, at least that is what I have been lead to believe. So without a good example to look up to, these girls are instead left with the Kardasians and "Teen Mom" to help them decide what to do. This is not what should be happening. What needs to be done is these girls should be taken to women's centers and homeless shelters and meet the women who have children and are living on the streets. They should research what other mothers went through online and find all sides of the story. They should go to a youth group to seek peer support. Most of all, they should sit down and write out just how they are going to care for their baby for the first five years. How will they work to support their child? How will they continue to go to school? How will they find time to read to them, help them with preschool work, help them learn to walk and guide them through life. When will they find time to date and fulfill their lives? Ask them how their own relationship is with their parents, were their parents always around for them, helping them through life? Ask them to examine their own lives and really ask themselves if they are ready to be responsible enough to raise a child. Ask them what they would be doing if they were not pregnant. Ask them what their dreams and aspirations are, then ask if they can still accomplish that while raising a child.

This is not an easy subject to talk about. There is no correct answer to the questions above. Those questions will need to be answered, along with many more, before any woman or girl considers adoption. I think the biggest problem that we have today is the fact that in the instant world these girls cannot imagine having to wait to see or get updates from the adoptive parents. They are not patient enough to let time pass, to let time help them heal. They want to know right now what the baby is doing. They want to know right now how the parents will handle raising the child when the child wants to know their birth parents. They want to know right now that everything will turn out alright and their children will understand their reasons, their choices. They cannot fathom waiting a year to hear word that their child is saying thier first words. These are very real concerns that every mother has. The difference is the entitlement that the girls have today. They feel entitled to know everything, all the time. They do not know how to occupy themselves and work through problems, they want it all fixed right away ... just like everything else they have known. Adoption is not like that. Adoption is a giant leap of faith into an unknown world. A world that cannot be predicted or pre set with any certainty of the desired outcome. It is an act that takes incredible inner strength, a huge amount of maturity, a lot of self belief and endless self help. It is an act that can only be accomplished if one is willing to heal from within. There are so many who do not understand the guilt. The guilt of leaving your child. The guilt of having to admit on a very public stage that you cannot raise your child. The guilt of living with that decision for the rest of your life. The guilt of breaking your own heart. The guilt. That is what kills the birth mothers spirit.

If we can begin to show these girls the positives of placing their child for adoption, the joy that it brings to all involved, then we can begin to help them through the process. They need to know that someone is on their side, someone is willing to listen to their fears, their doubts, their sorrows and their self hatred. They need to know that there are others out here who have done it before and gone on to live happy, productive, accepting and appreciative lives. They need to know that life will and can be rewarding, but only if they are strong enoughto help themselves through it. They need to know that what they are choosing for their child is not only good for the baby, but good for them as well. They will have a second chance, a chance to move on and be proud that they helped a family begin. But we have to find and give them that support. Let's face it, no one thinks about the aftercare for a birth mother. If we did, there would be rehabs set up all over the country to help them. We are more than willing to send drug addicts, alcoholics, sex addicts and compulsive gamblers to rehab to help them. Why do we not have any systems set up for these women? They need it, believe me, they all need it. Why can't we make it just as acceptable for these women to seek help for emotional issues after giving birth Where is their rehab?

So, there are my thoughts on this issue. In short, be honest with them. Let them know that life will be hard what ever they decide. With adoption, they will know that they were able to ask for help at a time when most would not, when most would be to ashamed or scared to ask for help. And let them know that asking for help is sometimes the bravest thing anyone can do. This is why I call birth mothers Bravehearts.

Feel fee to ask questions or leave comments, I know you have an opinion. And to my reader who asked, I hope that this may have helped you in some way. Thank you for the thought provoking question, and thank you for all you do for those girls out there!

My views are my own opinions and I do not try and speak for all birth mothers. Everyone has a differents story, I just take pride that mine is a happy one.