How Did You Choose The Parents?

Question: Kelsey, I just came across your site. My husband and I are looking to adopt a child through open adoption. There are so many parents out there that are looking to as well. How did you decide that one couple was better fit, than another? Thank you.

 Kelsey says: Great question! There was no reason to my choosing, matter of fact I kind of left that part in the hands of God. I am not trying to sound trivial here, but that is exactly what I did. I asked Him to help me choose who would be right for my children and I am here to tell you that He did indeed help me do just that.

My first adoption was not normal by open adoption standards of the day. I should have chosen an adoption agency (Or that is what the State of Missouri told me later), then should have looked through profiles and made a decision that way. However, it was a situation where a family member of mine came to me with this couple in mind, and it was a very trusted family member so I already had a good line of communication with the future family of my daughter. I met them and that was it, I knew that they were sent for a reason and that first decision was somewhat easy for me to make. Good fortune was on my side.

My second adoption was completely different. I moved to a more open state (as far as adoption was concerned) and even though I did not have an agency to work with, the lawyer and social worker did provide me with profiles of potential parents to consider. Now, this process was completely new to me and I was a little intimidated with the notion that I would be choosing the parents on paper. It was overwhelming to say the least. But again, I asked for guidance to help me choose the right parents for my twins. I received my answer with a file that immediately interested me, a couple whom had been married for a while and seemed to be just the right fit. I cannot pinpoint what it was, but once I met them face to face, had a meaningful conversation with them and got to know a little more about them ... well I knew they were the parents that I was meant to meet.

There was not one thing that helped me decide, but rather a combination of things. I felt comfortable with them. I could see that they really loved each other. They seemed to be interested in my thoughts as to how the adoption would play out. They asked just as many questions about me as I did them. They both had smiles that could light up a room. They had been through so much as a couple and still held hands like they were newly married. Their lifestyle was laid back and both were interested in learning more about life, no matter how much they thought they had known before. They were both educated and it seemed important to them that children be educated to have the best opportunities in life. But most of all, they were both so comfortable with each other that their presence made me comfortable. They appealed to me because of their honesty, their compassion and their love for each other.

I think every mother is different and this is a rather difficult question to answer. If you are asking because you are curious what to do in your own situation, I would say just be yourself. Do not put on a front when meeting women who are considering you and do not take it personally if you are not chosen by someone that you meet. This is a life changing decision that your birth mother will be making and there is nothing that you can do extra that will help. Most important, be honest with her. Find out who she is and what she wants from this adoption because that will be a very important part of not only her life, but your life as well.

Just remember throughout the process that if you will be embarking on a life long relationship with the mother who chooses you. Be patient and kind to her, because her life will never be the same. Just as you will be learning to be a parent, she will be learning to live life without her child. In life this is something that cannot be taught or guided no matter how hard you look or ask for help.

Thank you for taking time to read some of my thoughts and I thank you for asking your question.

To my readers: Is there anything you would like to say on this topic? Anything you would like to share? Feel free......

Good Question About My Book

Do you feel that your book will help a child adopted from overseas with questions on "why" she was placed for adoption?



Good question! Although my adoption was domestic, I do cover some points in the book that I think some birth mothers do find to be common, at least that is what some have told me. Some of the issues that I try to clarify in my book are: I was young, I was unmarried and I was still trying to find my way in life. Of course, this book is written from just my perspective, but it is honest when answering those questions. One page talks about difficult decisions that people make and that this decision for me was not taken lightly.

International adoption is not so different from domestic, and I think many of the deciding factors do have some similarities. I know that I had a LOT of maturity at 19 and also a couple of examples in my family of single women raising children on their own ... myself included because my mother was divorced by the time I was three and for the most part, I grew up with one parent. Knowing what I said in the last sentence, that was one of the largest factors in my decision to place for adoption. I wanted my child to know life with a family, both parents present, something that I did not have. (Please know that I am not saying that all families should have a mother and a father, this was just MY wish for my child.)

I have heard from many, many parents who have bought this book and read it to their internationally adopted children and they have really grasped the message that their mothers and fathers DID love them very much. So, I think that whether the adoption is done internationally or domestically ... this book would work for just about any child that is adopted.

Here is a review from an amazing blogger who is an adoptive mother of internationally adopted children that may help with your question as well. The International Mom

Please let me know if you have any other questions and I hope that I have clarified your inquery. Thank you for visiting the blog, I hope that if you do get the book that you will enjoy it!

All my best to you!
Kelsey

If you should have your own questions, please feel free to ask! At the top of this page is a tab ... Ask a question. Click and let me know what is on your mind.