My Junior Bridesmaid

Originally posted in 2009. Just to recap, this is a series of posts that focus on some of the positive moments as my journey as a birth mother...

My Junior Bridesmaid
Bruce and I had been together for 7 years with 3 of those years living together in beautiful California. One September, he suggested that we take a romantic weekend trip to Catalina Island off the coast of Long Beach. I had NEVER been to an island and I thought...How romantic of him! Didn't surprise me, he was always so loving. So we took off from the mainland and arrived in the town of Avalon. The night came and Bruce had bought me a beautiful dress for dinner that night. It was relaxing, quiet, and one of the biggest nights of my life, but I did not know it yet. After eating, we took a stroll on the beach. Discussing the fact that we were on a island, I was rambling on and on about the beauty of the water. Bruce stopped in front of me and said..."If I was on the water, I wouldn't be able to do this..." He then dropped to one knee and began a speech and I soon realized that he was proposing to me. Oh my! I do not remember a word he said because I was so shocked, so surprised, so swept off my feet that I could not hear him...my heart was pounding too hard. I said yes and as soon as we got home from the trip, we called close family and friends to tell them the great news.

I was a graphic designer so I made a postcard to send out announcing the engagement and to let people know we were planning on a Fall wedding the following year. I sent them out the week before Thanksgiving, and as always, I sent a postcard to my daughter's parents. We were in contact through correspondence so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to send the announcement. Later that week, I got a call from my mother. She was having trouble talking, I could tell she was crying, and she just could not convey what she wanted to say through her tears. I got worried, I thought my dog had died, or worse, a family member. The longer she tried to tell me what was making her verklempt, the more I started freaking out. I was imagining the worst possible scenario. Finally, she took a deep breath and said..."Sophia just called me..." that was my daughter's mom," and she needs to talk to you."

My heart dropped. I thought the worst. I was crying right along with my mother because I was sure that she was hurt, sick, or worse. "What? Why? What's wrong?" I asked franticly. My heart was pounding with every image that crossed my mind showing me a scenario of what could be so horribly wrong.

"Honey...", she sighed,"...oh, Bella got the postcard and she asked if she could be in the wedding." My heart literally did not beat for a moment, I was stunned with that statement. I could not breath, the tears started streaming down my face in a fast and constant flow of relief and happiness. Now my heart was beating almost out of my chest and Bruce could see that I was visibly upset so he too, became worried. "Bella saw the postcard and asked Sophia if she thought you would let her be in your wedding. In other words, she would like you to ask her to be there. Can you believe that?" I was crying so hard, you know that kind of cry where you are not making any noise, your chest is heavy trying to keep composure as not to start wailing.

 "I am stunned. She really wants to be there?" I asked.

 "Yes baby, she does. Remember all those years ago we talked about how great it would be to have her there at your wedding, and what a dream we thought it was? Well, that dream is coming true. You better call them." She gave me the number and I told her that I would call her back after I spoke to Bella. I had to wait a few minutes. I hadn't seen or physically talked to her for many years. This would be the first real conversation with my baby, my beautiful little girl. I was exploding with emotions, mostly disbelief that it was actually happening. I felt sick, I felt elated, I felt nervous, I felt joy...it was all so surreal. I just could not believe it!

I composed myself, sat down and dialed the number. It rang twice and was picked up by a familiar, sweet voice.

 "Hello?"

 "Sophia, it is Kelsey."

"Hello Kelsey. Congratulations on your engagement, we were all so excited to get the postcard. Bella has it on her dresser in her room. What a romantic place that looked like."

 "Oh yes, Bruce is amazing! It was kept secret, I had no clue that he was going to ask but what a wonderful feeling when he did. It was a great weekend. How are you doing?"

We exchanged greetings for a while and then she said, "So, your mom called you and told you what is going on?"

"She did. How do you feel about this? Is this something that you want to do?" I asked.

 "Well, of course we have her best interests at heart, but she really wants to be there. I have never seen her so nervous and excited to ask a question before. We talked about it and we think it would be a good thing, especially if this is what she wants. How do you feel about it?" Like she needed to ask!

"I am thrilled that she would ask this, and as long as you and the family are alright with this, I welcome you there and I would absolutely love for Bella to be there that day." More discussion about schedules and locations, then she said..."Well, she's right here chomping at the bit to get on the phone so I will talk to you soon to go over things. Thank you for calling and here is Bella..."  

My heart was jumping out of my chest. I felt a lump in my throat. I held my breath.

"Hello?" Her voice was like music in my ears.

"Hello Bella, how are you today?"

"I am good, how about you?" I wanted to just shout out 'I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU WANT TO BE IN MY WEDDING,  I LOVE YOU!'

"Great, it is a beautiful day here in California. How are you getting along in softball?" It was my favorite sport in school and she played as well.

"Great. I have been really seeing the ball and hitting it a lot. You used to play ball, right?"

 "You bet I did, I was a great hitter because of my stout and beefy stature. I also loved the outfield, my favorite was left field."

"Cool." We chatted a while and then I said..."So, I heard that you would like to be in our wedding. Is that true?"

 "Yes. I would like to be there but only if you want me there."

Giant tear rolling down my face, I try not to let my voice crack as I respond. "Are you kidding me? I would be so honored if you would be there. I would also like very much if you were my junior bridesmaid, so you can walk up the isle just before I do. How does that sound?"

"Really?"

"Absolutely! Have you ever been in a wedding before?"

"No..." I could hear the excitement in her voice. I could see her bright smile through the phone.

"Well, let's make it happen. I would like for you to be my Junior Bridesmaid. Will you?" I asked.

"Yes I will!!! Thank you! I am so happy and excited."

"Oh my darling, you have made my day! Thank you for wanting to be there with me, it means a lot to me."

"Well, it means a lot to me, too." Oh, this child has my heart all in a bundle. What fantastic parents she has to be so supportive of what she wants. How brave of them to allow her to attend this fantastic day in my life. We were both smiling that day, really smiling. I got off the phone and collapsed into Bruce's arms. He consoled me and sat with me for an hour.

I was crying in relief. I was crying because years of not knowing what she really thought about me was all washed away in that one phone call. I was crying because that whimsical dream that I had all those years ago was coming true, and by her choosing. She came to me. She wanted to be there with me. Oh, I cried and cried and cried. It was so wonderful to hear those words, however light they were, to just hear her say that she wanted to be there...I was ecstatic, and dare I say it, happy. It was one of the best phone conversations of my life.

On October 16, 1999 Bruce Stewart took my hand in marriage. My daughter walked up the isle just before I did, and she was next to me the entire ceremony.

 

Support is Key for Mothers In Adoption

I was quite fortunate in my adoptions, I will admit that. My story is different from any other I have read, and I am reminded often that I had great people around me to support in my choices. I am not talking about professionals helping me, but rather everyday people I knew and saw frequently who would either purposely or inadvertently give me that little something to keep pushing myself to heal. And in that support system I had a goliath advantage over everything and everyone else: my mother.

I grew up living alone with my mother from the age of three due to my parents divorce and my father’s moving out of state. She was a very strong woman whom had the heart of a lion coupled with the tenacity of a bull and charm so sweet you would never even know that she might be telling you off. She was raised by hard working Midwesterners who felt family values and morals were just as important to teach children as reading, writing and arithmetic. My mother had sass to spare, yet could make you feel that you were the only person on Earth in the way she listened to another’s woes. Admired, loved and always prepared with an impeccable sense of humor my mother was a force of life that people were drawn to.

So telling her I was pregnant was not something I thought twice about. I have heard other birth mothers tell of how frightened they were to tell their mothers they were pregnant, but for me it was not that way. Of course I was nervous when I came to sit with her that evening, wondering just what would lie ahead after I told her the situation. Who wouldn’t be nervous? And I did take a deep breath when I worked up the courage to utter the words “Mom, I’m pregnant”, feeling like the entire moment was happening in super slow motion. But I was never scared of what she would say or how she would react. I was coming to her as a daughter who needed a mother’s ear to work through a difficult situation that would not only affect me … but affect my entire family.

“Well, what are we going to do?”

Those were the words she responded with: "Well, what are we going to do?" Not what are you going to do. Not what am I going to do. But rather what are we, meaning the two of us, going to do. In that one sentence I could feel the weight lift a little, and my heart found calm in her loving verbal embrace. A smile was all I could repay her with, as I still had to vocalize what my thoughts were on adoption and the options I wanted to look into as soon as I possibly could. From the moment she found out, she was nothing but accepting of the situation and my feelings. I cannot fathom what might have been going through her head, probably a million things and a million reasons why a break down would have been acceptable at that moment. Stoic and strong, she listened and talked with me long into the night to help me figure out what was the next step, what would the future be like (both adoption and raising the child) and how I was going to live life without my child if that is what I chose.

She was a rock that I could anchor anytime I needed to be grounded. Neither of us could have known that we would go through adoption twice, and I am sure that neither of us could have known how much these events would enrich our relationship. I relied on her for strength, and she relied on me for inspiration which culminated into a bond much more than the normal mother/daughter relationship. There is no word in the English Dictionary that can begin to describe our relationship, nor would I ever want to find one that would try. In life there are moments that need no words, but rely heavily on actions to demonstrate how one person loves another. That was my mother. Her actions spoke more than words ever could.

She was my first love, my first friend, my first teacher, my first confidant and the first Hero I ever admired. In her constant support and encouragement I persevered through the tough times and learned from her the grace I needed to live life as I am… no excuses to anyone and accepting of what life throws my way. The lessons I learned from her have lived on long after she left this Earth and that is a true testament to her rich, kind loving soul. She lives on in me, and I can only hope to be as amazing as she was in her life.

Today she would have been 67 years old, and I bet she would have been a FIESTY Golden Girl! Happy Birthday Mom, and thank you for continuing to watch out for me and guide me through my days....may heaven have a GRAND party for you today. I love and miss you!

Until I Am Strong Enough To Carry On

When I was in my late twenties I sustained a work injury that really messed my back up to point that I limped for several years, endured physical therapy, was sent to learn a new trade because I would no longer be able to perform my old job .... Blah, blah, blah,

Long story short, eventually my back healed but from time to time I would move the wrong way or hike too long and just like that, it was back. That same nagging pain. I could mask it with medicine, but nothing helped more than stretching, walking and working out the pain until I was strong enough to carry on.

I feel the same way about adoption. Having been through it for the last 20+ years as a mother, I will admit that, no ... It has not been easy. I sustained an injury to my heart. That is a wound that of course is deep, but to add to it the fact that it was self inflicted made it much harder for me to wrap my head around. I had a really rough go in the beginning, totally devastated and could feel my heart hardening. Then time and love from friends and family helped heal, helped remind me that I am who I am. (If that makes sense).

And one day, I would hear something ... See something ... Smell something that would cut again, just as if I twisted my spine the wrong way, and I would have to go back to square one. However, after some years I learned that each time there was something new to be learned. Perhaps I cry at my son's ceremonies because I am reminded of all I missed with my adopted children? Perhaps my funk during spring is because orange blossoms remind me of the walks I would take while pregnant?

When that happens, when I make the connection, I try to revisit the scene if possible ... face it, take a deep breath and turn that memory back into a smile. Make it do what it used to do, before the loss. I do not do this because I want to forget the loss, that will never happen. Rather I am trying to replace the loss with the beautiful moments I experienced. The moments I want to keep with me, sacred, only important to me for my own reasons. And as with the back injury, I stretch my mind ... walk the memories and work through the pain until I am strong enough to carry on.

Featured Writer: Adoption Voices Magazine

I had the honor of being the featured writer this week at Adoption Voices Magazine. Never heard of it? Never been there to visit? What a treat you are missing! Great voices from all sides of the triad to view, read, learn from and inspire!

This particular post is about the negativity that I see in the apoption circles online. I will leve you with the link to the page, not just the post, because there are many interesting articles on the site. Also, if you look to the right side you will see that Jane poses a great follow up question to my post. Take some time and enjoy the diversity that is Adoption Voices Magazine!

An Election To Remember

Well hello to all of you out there in the blogging world! Yes! I am alive! Yes! I do still plan on giving my opinions on adoption! Yes! I have made a plan and resolution to come here at least twice a week (maybe more) to chat with you and catch up on all that is going on in this complex triad of adoption. But first, allow me to explain my absence.

Earlier in the summer of 2012, I made a decision to run for the local School Board. I have never liked politics, nor would I ever consider myself to be a politician. But wheter you run for City Council, President or School Board that is what you become: a Politician.

So after much consideration and conversations with my husband I pulled papers to run for not only the Elementary Board, but also throw my hat in the ring for the New Unified Board should one come to be. You see, on our local ballot this past November was a measure to Unify our Elementary schools with our local High School. The voters spoke and Unification was passed. AND, the morning after the election I was on that new Unified Board by one vote. ONE VOTE! So, the tedious process of counting all the provisional ballots and absentee ballots to determine if I was really the winner, or if my opponent would pull ahead and take the seat.

The counting began and all it did was push me further and further out of reach of my new endeavour. The first semi official recount had me 30 votes behind my opponent. The second semi official count had me 46 behind my opponent. The third count had me 19 votes behind, this was a pick up in votes but still had me trailing for the last seat. I had accepted that I may not win that seat, and chalked the past three months up to experience. You see, I had no committee behind me, I had no signs in people's yard and I had no real experience in governance of school unlike all the other candidate running with me. I went door to door, talked to people, talked during my book fairs and let my past service speak for itself. I was not disappointed at all. I received a LOT of votes just based on what people knew of my many volunteering hats I wore. I was thrilled that people actually voted for me to be honest, especially when you consider I did not thrown a ton of money at my campaign. I figured if people wanted to vote for me based on all the good intentions I had, then they would.

So, the end of November comes and with it a chance to attend the California School Board Association Conference in San Francisco because after all, I was still seated on the Elementary Board starting in December. So I packed my bags, feeling like a big girl going to a prom because for many years now I have just been a mom. Sweatpants. Tennis shoes. Hair in a ponytail. But this time I had pantyhose, high heeled shoes, pretty dresses and professional attire for a very grown up conference. I was loving the fact that I was out there ready to make a difference. Unbeknownst to me, the final count of votes was to be released while we were at the conference so finally one of us candidates would know who would be serving on the new Board.

It was Thursday, November 29th in rainy San Francisco when I walked to the convention center to attend the classes I had an interest in. The first half of the day went by without any fan fare. Met some great people, sat in some classes that I had no idea what the hell they were talking about because there are as many acronyms in Education as there are stars in the sky! I took notes feverishly and tried my very best to follow what they were saying. Lunch came. I met up with the other Board Members and we went to Mel's Diner which was a hoot! While there, I get a call from the District Office of Education telling me that the results would be released that day and if I should win the seat, the swearing in ceremony would be in less than a week. Exciting! After lunch, we all went back to general session to hear the Keynote Speaker. (To save time but to toot this guy's brilliance, you can see a touch of Shawn Achor here on Ted. AMAZING motivation for happiness!)

Eight is a magic number

The trade show floor was large, bright and full of free things. Take a pencil. Take a book. Need a planner? I have buttons! I was thrilled to be there, learning, networking, again ... being a big girl. I had made my rounds and decided to leave the show to take a break and peer down the street to catch a glimpse of AT&T Park, home of the Giants. As I left I ran into the man whom I was in the race with for the last seat. He's a good guy, kind and very respectful of people. We discussed when we would meet up to attend the dinner we were invited to that evening. No tension. Nothing that would say these two people are neck and neck in a tight race for the last seat on a Historical Election. (Unification had been in the works for years, and the last time a district did unify in the county was three decades ago.) We parted ways, he and his entourage to the far door for a taxi, me to the nearest door for fresh air and brick house for baseball delight. I heard my name. I looked around but there was no one I recognized. I kept walking. This time it was louder and more deliberate..."KELSEY! KELSEY!" I turned to see way back on the trade show floor the Superintendent of our district running with his phone in the air. I stopped, baffled, worried that something terrible had happened. But the closer he got, I could see a smile and not worry on his face. He ran up to me, still with his phone front and center.

"You won the seat!" I did not reply, I was a bit stunned. What? But I was down this whole recount.

"You won the seat, and not by a lot."

"Well, are you sure?" because I remember that feeling on November 7th, seeing one vote and knowing exactly how Gore & Bush must have felt back in 2000. Then the weeks of recounts, seeing the margin change and not for the better.

"Yes, I am sure. It was just posted. Here, let me see..." he said scrolling and pushing his screen. "Ummm, oh my gosh! 8 votes."

"Your kidding me. 8 votes?" I was warm and tingly yet frozen at the same time. Half my face smiled while my eyebrows raised to ask the question for me.

"Nope. 8 votes. You are a Unified Board Member!" he said with much enthusiasm and a smile. I could think of nothing more to do than hug him. I grabbed and squeezed, unable to grasp the news. Shock like I had never felt it before.

I told him thank you for finding me, thank you for being the one to tell me and thank you for his support. As you can see, there is pure joy on this face ... as well as a bit of pride.

I immediately went outside but instead of seeing the stadium, I called my husband. When I told him, I could hear the smile on his face as he shouted ... "HEY BOYS! Mom won the election!" Hoots and hollers from the other end of the phone as they all told me how awesome I was. That was my favorite part of the day .... that phone call.

My opponent was so very gracious. The moment he saw me later that evening he walked right up to me, shook my hand and congratulated me on winning the seat. It was a difficult moment for me, I was appreciative of his kindness but felt so bad that I won. It was a little odd, guess it is because of my nature. But we got past it and I was on my way to a reality that I only thought could happen. I volunteer A LOT. Little League. School. Scouts. Book Fairs. And by God I was proud that my reputation as a can do take charge mom followed me to the polls and helped give me the potential to do good for so many more children. And of course, just about every one I know tells me that they are one of the 8 who helped me get elected. It's amazing so see such support of a person who believes she can make a difference.

December 5, 2012

Photo by Rob Varela, Ventura County Star

New Santa Paula Unified School District board of trustees member Kelsey Stewart(right) chats with a supporter at the conclusion of the board's first meeting after they were sworn in Wednesday at the Santa Paula Community Center. Stewart had just learned she won her place on the board by 8 votes.

So that is where I have been, that is what I have been doing, and ever since the election I have been back to school in a sense devouring any and all literature I can find on Education Codes, Laws, Policies and so on. It's a big job, and I am LOVING it so far! But I have come to a point where the balance has allowed me to catch up so to speak and I have found time to be here, with you. I know most adoption blogs don't share this kind of personal information, but this story is something that I just had to share. I have always been a believer that you control your destiny, and that life is what you make of it. Twenty years ago I was struggling to get through day by day, scarred and sure that I would be broken forever. But today, I can say that I have learned to live again, scars and all, and it is those scars and turmoils that have helped me be the strong, caring, healthy woman that I am today. Here's to a great 2013 for us all!

Oh, and if anyone ever says their vote does not count I beg to differ! Every. Vote. Counts!

Ventura County Star ~ Landmark Night For Schools

Sounds In The Silence ~ Three Sides of This Birthmotehr

I know, I have not been around much and I do miss writing. But it seems that the people in my community believed in me and I won the School Board Seat by just 8 votes! That was AFTER the absentee and provisional ballots were counted, so November was quite a long month for me waiting for counts to be official. But here I am, Mom, Volunteer, Board Trustee!!! It is both exciting and scary at the same time and I have stacks and stacks of papers to read ... hence the absence.

However today I came across a writing I did for Adoption Voices Magazine that was posted recently, but written a while ago. After re reading this piece I was struck at how much it reflects the events in our country this past week. All those families will have to move through the tragedy that was Sandy Hook and I hope somewhere out there one of those families can find this post and through their grief and sorrow somehow be able to find a light ... a sign that life will fulfill them once again with happiness and love. My heart goes out to all who live in that community, they have a long road of recovery ahead of them.

So here is the contribution that I want to share ... some of you may be able to connect to something in here....

Sound In The Silence~ Three Sides Of This Birthmother

Advocate the right way ... EDUCATION!

I have written so much about adoption. Look at those labels to the right, there are a LOT of topics! My goal this month is to bring that all down to just 10 categories as I have many new followers who may see that list as a challenge. 

So while I am working on the blog, I thought I would post this gem from a couple of years ago. It was the year that I wrote every day because it was National Adoption Awareness Month, and I had so many things to say!

Advocate the right way ... Education!

Only One Life



 photo found at kevinalanlamb.com

 I love to read. It is the one thing that anyone can do to get away, without paying an arm and a leg for a vacation. One year ago, I was stuffing my nose into any book I can find on adoption. The Girls Who Went Away. Good Girls Don't. Birthmark. Life Givers. The Primal Wound. And the list goes on and on. I could not get enough of other's stories, studying their thoughts, their fears, their lives. I was hell bent on discovering all that there was to discover about adoption, or at least discover some things I did not already know.

For months I devoured all kinds of literature, whether books, Internet, or magazines ... I wanted to know it all. Soon I realized that I was filling my heart with more questions, more pain and more uncertainty. I talked to all kinds of people who were in the triad and was fascinated by all that was being presented to me. It was amazing, yet quite taxing at the same time. I know that life of loss is hard, and for some it is torture. I tried very hard to be open and keep in mind that not everyone had the same experiences I had, and more so I tried to keep every story close to me. As if I could recount everything I had read and where it should be utilized.

It was a long journey that helped me understand things better, but I did realize that it was also taxing my heart. It is a huge load to bear when you try to solve the world's problems.

This year, I am still reading. However this time it is not about adoption, but rather things not at all related to adoption. I reread The Outsiders which reminded me how much I love SE HINTON.  I then blew through Rumble Fish, That Was Then This Is Now and Tex as if I were reading for dear life. I found some authors that I had never been exposed to, and also came across some gems that I had never heard of but captured my soul non the less. Shoeless Joe was a fantastic journey. Although I have seen Field of Dreams many times, reading the book upon which the movie was based was almost religious for me. As I read it, I fell in love all over again with the game of baseball. Then my thoughts drifted to my boys and how much they love the game. I have taught both of them the position of catcher and just like me, they love putting on the equipment and sacrificing their bodies to stop the ball ... protecting not just the plate but their whole team against unwanted runs. Every turn of the page, I was reminded of how much one generation can teach another. My heart was filled with peace in a way that only a book can do.

I found that while I let my mind wander to what my boys could be doing years from now (playing for the Cardinals ... the older catching for the younger who pitches so effortlessly it is like watching a dancer move with precision to music), my heart settled on the thought that life is good and I am so very blessed.

What is the point of this post? Life goes on. It moves at lightning speed the older you get and soon you have to choose what is more important: living in the past and mulling over things you cannot change or loving what you have been given and cherishing who you are no matter what your past may have been.

You only have one life. Make the best of it and learn to forgive what you cannot change and love what you can do here and now.

Abortion and Adoption ...

I would like to thank my friend Monika for sharing this and making me aware of this writer. What an interesting and thought provoking post! It is a little long, but well worth taking in her words.

What the Path to Reduce Abortions Should Be ... Hint, It's Not More Adoptions

Cuts Like a Razor

As I said in the last post, since becoming a contributor for the magazine Adoption Voices I have been receiving many opinions from folks who feel the need to tell me how much they despise me. It's all good with me, because if I am making you mad then there are things I am saying that are true.

I am not one to shy away from confrontation, nor am I one to be walked over. I know a lot about adoption, and I know even more about living life without part of your heart with you. So if someone chooses to slam me for what I think, what I did or what I am trying to then they have the right to do so. The world would not be the same without debates, and we are better for it.

However, when I speak on this blog I am speaking from MY point of view. Not yours. Not hers. Not theirs. It is my opinion, and mine only. I do not choose to write to piss people off. I do not choose to write to force my opinions onto others. I write because there are many things I have experienced that may just help someone else on their journey. I choose to share my thoughts, my story and my opinions because in all my years living as a birth mother I have yet to meet another birth mother with a story remotely close to mine. I have two different experiences in adoption that are unique and so far have been quite comfortable for everyone involved. There have been issues here and there, but for the most part all of our lives have been enriched by the choice of adoption.

Why am I saying all of this? Because in my infinite wisdom I still have issues with others trying to silence me, trying to tell me I don't know what I am talking about. Perhaps you do not know just how many stories there are to explore out there. I have an open mind, I can listen to anyone and take away from that conversation what it is that you want me to come away with. I only ask that you have an open mind when reading what it is that I am trying to say.

And now I am off my soapbox, thanks for listening.

It's My Book, My Story, So Back Off

Writing about adoption sucks. It also can be quite rewarding, but for the most part it just sucks. I am fortunate for the people I meet that get me, who understand mothers have different stories. The people who can find places in their hearts & heads to open up and HEAR others. I love each and every one of you. All the others can stick it .... where ever you like, as long as it is far from me.

This is brought on and will explain why I have been absent for so very long from you, my faithful readers. Several months back I was introduced and became friends with a wonderful woman who asked me to contribute for her magazine. AWESOME! I was so excited, and I still am because she provides a platform for so many voices in adoption that I consider myself rather lucky to be involved. However, being on a larger, wider based publication will invite more of the lovelies. And yes, I am being sarcastic using a nice word to describe some very nasty human beings.

I have been attacked before, and I can handle anything someone wants to throw at me. It's cool, I am game for a little banter and perhaps enlightenment on a subject that has been a part of my life for so, so long. I have dealt with the nastiest of the lovelies and come out better for it, because there is nothing finer than a challenge to remind you just what you are made of, and more importantly what it is that you are wanting to do with your life.

This particular post will address an issue that some people have chosen to bring to my attention. Wait, let me rephrase: people have barraged me with messages expressing just how heartless and uncaring I am to exclude certain things from my book. Yes, MY book. The book that I wrote. The book that I wrote because for YEARS I could not find the book to say the things I was thinking. My book that tells MY story, a story that is unique yet has many similar qualities to others out there in the adoption triad.

Allow me to say this, I wrote my book based on my experience and what happened as I knew it. I am white. I am straight. I do believe that children need two parents in their lives. I know that it did make me sad to leave them, but it gave me great pride that I was able to ask for help when many would not. This is the story I told, because it is MY story. If the book does not follow your story completely, that is okay. People are different. Different colors, different religions, different ways to love. Please do not try to change my story to fit your life. If you like the book, share it with your kids. If you need to add or take out things to fit your situation, do so. If you do not like my book, then do not share it. I thank you for reading it, and appreciate your feedback as long as it is kind and respectful.

However, please do not ask me to rewrite my book to fit what your family looks like. Sure, it would be great if you could have exactly what your family looks like in a book and if that is what you want I am sure you can find a way to create your OWN masterpiece online. But to suggest that I am racist, biased, homophobic or anything else just because I wrote and drew the pictures that were in my mind is absolutely ridiculous. It is ridiculous and disrespectful.

So you contact other authors and ask them to change their characters to fit what you see in your mind? I hope not! We would not ask Leo Tolstoy to change the title from "War and Peace" to just "Peace" because we don't like the word war, would we?

I appreciate your thoughtfulness and thank you for your understanding in this matter .... eh?

More About Oxygen's I'm Having Their Baby

Photo courtesy of Oxygen.com

So, it premiered last night and the blogs are all lit up with comments and rants. Oxygen's "I'm Having Their Baby" has raised quite a bit of awareness, along with controversy. I watched it a week ago and gave you my thoughts about Mary's story ... but now let's chat about Claudia.


First, let me say this.  
Claudia got pregnant by a 10 year old. 
WHAT? Okay, so in reality he is older than 10. Well, at least his body is older than 10. But his brain and state of mind are quite juvenile to say the least, and if you think I am kidding then please go watch for yourself. What a hard situation for Claudia to be in. I have to give her major kudos for doing her homework before making her final decision. This young lady knew that her boyfriend was a serial impregnator (Yeah it is a word that I made up. The definition would be a man who sleeps around and creates babies with NO intention of being a father) and knew that there were women out there who were raising his children. SIX children to be exact. She visits with one of the ex girlfriends and soon learns, from this woman's own mouth, what an incredibly useless father this man child really is. I am sure it was not the easiest discussion to seek this woman out, but Claudia took that first step in understanding what her life might be like should she choose to parent her child. I was quite impressed that she had the guts to do so.


She seemed to have a level head about her and was quite sure that she could not raise her child on her own. I cannot remember when the show revealed that she herself was adopted from Haiti, but it struck a chord when I learned that. There are many, many adoptees out there that are birth parents. This has always fascinated me. Not sure why, but it has. To give of themselves the way someone once did for them, well I am sure it is a topic that not only intrigues me but many others as well. It would seem to me that she has an understanding about adoption that us other birth mothers do not have, well unless said birth mother was adopted. Claudia talked about how she considers herself blessed to have been accepted into such a wonderful family when her own family could no longer take care of her. Of course this would leave the viewer to wonder if Claudia was influenced by her life in any way when considering adoption for her child. (I will not try to expand on this because I am not her, and I certainly do not want to assume what her thoughts and feelings are.)


Claudia's boyfriend, the current one not the dolt with ample sperm, is a very supportive young man. I was rather happy to see that she was getting support from him ... even if he was not the father. As her story progresses, we meet the father and as I stated above ... he is less of a man and more of a little boy who has no clue what responsibility is. I was about to throw something at the screen if he would have said one more time to Claudia ... "You didn't call me and ask what I thought? What about me?" Really? What about you? What about your other SIX children that you don't visit, don't communicate with, don't support? And good for Claudia, she said almost those exact words to him. She confronted him and asked if he was going to take care of the baby. He continued to whine that she was not calling him. Oh, I am sure that there were blood pressures going up all over the US last night when this man opened his mouth. 


When the day came that Claudia's son arrived, she text the father to let him know that the baby was born. His response? "Who is this?" Well, I think we can all agree that Claudia had good reason to doubt what life would be like with this man. What an awful thing for her to read, so callus and uncaring. There is nothing in the world that will sadden your heart than to hear, as a mother, that the father of your child is not going to help you, support you and be there when you need him most. I say this because I know, I had the same type of reaction when I let my daughter's father know that she was born. He knew who I was, but the reaction was not what I wanted. My heart went out to Claudia right then and there. She struggled with the thought of letting her son go, and it started right after birth. Tears and heartache in those moments of the show, something so many of us can identify with. She was strong, and talked openly with the social worker (who, for the record was not shown as much as the social worker in Mary's case. Need more info, please visit the post that I linked to above) about her feelings and how she was hurting.


But the bottom line was Claudia knew that her son would be raised without his father actively in his life. Now, many out there will say that that is not enough to justify adoption. Well, of course it is not. But you have to see what her heart was seeing: she loved her son and did not want him to grow up NOT having a father figure in his life. I do not see anything wrong with this, not one thing. Children are said to do better when coming from a loving home, a home with two parents, a home that is stable and can provide comfort. (Please do not inundate me with comments that I don't know what I am talking about. I do know what I am saying ... and no, I am not knocking single parent homes because that is where I came from and single parents ROCK!) 

That loving family life was not going to happen in Claudia's case. She had ample evidence that this man she created life with was not going to be around, was not going to support her and more than likely would not be a good influence in his son's life. I do not fault her at all for her decision, and applaud her for thinking first of her son, thinking about his future, his life, his heart. She places with a family that she liked, and they even chose to use the name she called her baby as the boy's middle name. That may not mean much to you or I, but it means the world to Claudia. And I say way to go parents for taking her feelings into mind and giving him the name that she chose for him. 


I connected with Claudia and her story. I can completely understand her reasons, her thinking and her incredible sense of maturity for seeing the situation for what it was. She made a choice for her son with many factors in mind. Factors that are personal, intimate and justified for her. I think we should not judge these women on this show. I think we should all learn a little from them, and learn what a gut wrenching decision this is for mothers. Be objective. Be compassionate. Be human and just listen without jumping to conclusions. 


In conclusion, I have to say that I think I will keep watching this show in the hopes that it will keep the conversation going about adoption. Hopefully it will convey to those not familiar with adoption just what a life altering decision it is. And for those in adoption, well maybe it will help us all listen to each other. Then we can truly learn more about ourselves and this intricate world we live in.

PS...I would still like to see Oxygen, or any network for that matter, take this concept a step further and have more experienced mothers on to talk about life after relinquishment. I think they would be surprised at how long that show could be on the air. Sooooo many stories, so much to learn.

Adoption Shame

Photo courtesy of Adoption Voices Magazine.

As many of you know by now, I am a contributor at Adoption Voices Magazine. This magazine is an amazing array of voices, all whom have lived with adoption in their lives. This time around, you will find an article from an adoptive father, an article about Dave Thomas, a recap of the book Primal Wound, an eye opening article from Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy titled 30 Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life .... and many more interesting points of view.


One of the articles is an offering I wrote for Jane starting to cover the shame in adoption. WHAT? Shame you say? Yes, there are many who do feel shame when it comes to adoption. This is just the first article in this category for me as I have a couple more in the works for AVM to publish at a later date. 


It is not an easy topic to discuss because I do not think anyone is comfortable talking about shame in their lives. But in order to shed light on all aspects of a my journey in adoption I feel it needs to be talked about. Feel free to read the article by clicking the link below, then come back to share your thoughts.

Adoption Shame ~ Adoption Voices Magazine

Adoption Drama on Oxygen: I'm Having Their Baby

This evening on a fellow sister's Facebook page a question was asked that got me to thinking. It was about this new show that will air on Oxygen (7/23) that is called I'm Having Their Baby. I was coming here to give my thoughts on what I would like to see in the show, but in doing some research I found that if you go to Oxygen online you can watch the first episode.


Since I am a curious cat, I did watch that first episode so let me give you that thought now.


Two women, one who had an affair and became pregnant with another man's child. The other woman is young and gets pregnant with a man she barely dated. This will be a continuing show, because there are previews for more stories, but this is the one that you will see should you chose to watch.

Six weeks til the adoption. This is the first thing that I noticed. Instead of doing the countdown towards the baby being born, it is geared towards the event of adoption. Just my personal opinion, it should have said Six weeks til the baby is here. Or perhaps this, Six weeks til relinquishment. After all, you are trying to show what birth mother is going through ... right Oxygen?


Mary is a sweet gal who is trying very hard to come to terms with her marriage being in shambles and being pregnant with another man's baby. She is torn from the beginning, and I just felt for her. It seemed to me that she was trying to still please her husband in the hopes that they could have another chance at their marriage. But she treks on through the process of looking at profiles and choosing a couple that she liked.

All I know is I want to go to the church that Mary attends. Her preacher, a woman which I think is super, was AMAZING! Loved what that woman had to say and of course they edited it to the best of her ... but I was saying a hearty AMEN by the time church was finished. Just a sampling of what she had to preach ..."I wasn't ministry material. They called me trailer trash, but my God is in the recycling business." YES!

Mary feels disrespected when she invites the hopeful parents along for an ultrasound because she sees the adoptive mother is enthusiastic, perhaps too enthusiastic for comfort. These types of moments I think are good to show because adoptive parents, in all their joy, need to know that it is very, very difficult for the mother. I am going to spill some beans here, she chooses another couple which does not sit well with her social worker at all.


The one thing I will complain about, and that is the social worker Mary worked with. When Mary is in the hospital with the baby, rocking him back and forth in the bassinet, she is crying and talking about how she did not expect to feel the way she did. Mary is reaching out to her social worker, letting SW know that she is having doubts and very confused and sad, but the social worker says, "Well, I am going to give you some time and you can call or text me if you need me tonight, okay." Um, not okay. This girl is reaching out to you, telling you that she is hurting and needing support yet you are fast to get out of there without showing any emotion at all. I know your job is hard, probably exhausting, and I am sure gut wrenching work. However, this is the time you need to be there for her, not just the adoptive parents. 


And here is another spoiler, and I have to mention this because after all I expected to be disgusted with the depiction of the birth mothers in this show. That was not the case at all. I was disgusted with the social worker. After she left Mary that night, alone and crying in a hospital, she comes back the next day to have Mary sign the papers. Mary has decided to parent her child. This social worker made no attempt to hide her anger with Mary. She was shell shocked, and quite frankly pissed off with Mary. Sure, she said that it was great, good for Mary. But you could see that she was totally thinking about having to go out and inform the hopeful parents that this was not the day they would become a family. She could have cared less about what Mary wanted anymore, and that is just a shame. That social workers job, in all due respect, should be to help ALL parties involved ... not just the one paying. (sorry, it had to be said and I can speak from experience ... not every social worker in adoption is there for the right reasons.)


Okay, now that I have gone off about that ... we have run out of time (plus I need to cool off  a bit, blood is boiling.) I will return with my thoughts about Claudia in a day or so.

What are you thoughts on this show? Thoughts on what I had to say? Anyone else out there want to speak out on this topic?


Kels, why so aggravated about the social worker? Here's a little story for ya ... Satan's Sister

A Stellar Review of The Best For You

Thank you to Robyn for this insightful review of my book. I think this just might be one of my favorite reviews yet. Why? Because Robyn really took the time to convey how the book touched her family, and she went so far as to explain why some may like it, and some may not.


I am so appreciative of people who not only take an interest in the book ... but take the time to share it with their readers and others they may know. You are so kind Robyn, and I would call you friend any day!


The Chittister Family: Book Review: The Best for You

For other points of view, please visit the tab at the top of the page that says The Best For You Reviews.

Italy Through Her Eyes

A few months back, I was called delusional when it came to my relationship with my daughter. This particular reader thinks I am crazy and just imagining the successful lines of communication that I had with Bella while growing up. (For those of you who may be new, my daughter has known me all of her life due to her incredibly compassionate parents. She is now in her twenties.) I have heard this kind of opinion before so it was nothing new. But for some reason, this one stuck with me and I have been thinking a lot about who she is and what she has become.


This summer, she had an opportunity to go to Europe to study her major and learn a new language. Bella wrote to me telling me how excited she was and I, of course, relished in her enthusiasm and attitude going into what was sure to be an adventure like no other she had experienced before. I found myself thinking about me at that age and what it was like to be young, free and the world in front of me. Italy was the country of her destination, and I have to admit I was wishing I could jump on a plane and just hang with her for a day.

Thanks to the internet and this fast paced life we all lead on the computer, at the touch of a button I can take a look to see what she's up to or click through her pictures and see for myself how she is. I love that this is now available to me because for years it was about 2 - 3 times a year that I would get pictures and a letter to update me on her activities, her accomplishments, her life. I don't stalk by any means. I just check in to see where her life is going.

In looking through her pictures, I was reminded of how much Bruce and I see life through the boys. It never ceases to astonish me that something I have known for a long time will seem so different when explained to me by my children. It takes on a whole new meaning, to see what their version of life is and understand it on a new level. I could have never imagined seeing Italy from Bella's point of view when she was born. I was clueless as to what would become of our relationship, what would become of me ... what would become of her. It is all so up in the air with adoption, you know? Through each journey there are different factors, things unseen or unincorporated into the big picture of life in adoption for the child. 


But there I was, looking at her Europe. I loved every frame, every comment, every time she posted an album it was sheer enjoyment from beginning to end. I had nothing to do with her being who she is as a person, that comes her family who raised her. Morals. Religion. Education. Her background is truly hers, and she will include that she is adopted because she is not afraid to strike up that conversation. As I looked through the photos, I felt incredibly proud and also very complete. Proud that she is the strong woman that I had hoped she would be, and complete because I know she is living life to the fullest. Much the way I did when I was her age.

Her time there was an incredible voyage for me as well. Perhaps I am not conveying the peace that I feel right now. I can assure you that I am beyond grateful for the life we both have had, and the fact that she includes me in hers ... and always has.

This was one of the first pictures that she posted, and it brought a smile to my face.

I mean, what a trip when you are young, huh? I have always wanted to see Europe, particularly the iconic landmarks like this one ...

 

Or this gem, oh man! If there is one place that I have on my bucket list it is Rome. 

Just amazing to see this through Bella.

Back in Italy ....

A kid after my own heart. A picture of gelato overload. Yep, I love it too.

The architecture is what draws me to Europe, and I thought these were beautiful examples.

 

A gondola ride to boot! 

 

What is the purpose of this post? Just when I question myself or start to think all the what ifs of my past, this amazing young woman shows me that life is what you make of it. Our journey has been more than inspiring for me and those around me, it has been an example of what life can be when you give of yourself completely. She is happy, and in the end that is all I want. It is all I have ever wanted.

What A Homestudy Could Reveal

So there had to be something that brought me out of the land of life and back into the writings of the adoption triad, right? Yes and no. I have many musings in the waiting, but then this topic came along and it just rubbed me the wrong way. When I am rubbed the wrong way, it usually results in a post that unleashes the inner birth mother. Lucky you for coming to read ....

The topic stems from a question a hopeful adoptive parent asked on a forum. She asked if it was normal for the birth mother to ask for the home study. She then went on to ask if it was alright to deny the information from the prospective mother. She then put the cherry on top by saying that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody.

Oh there are far too many things wrong with this one for me. Let me start by saying this: in the two adoptions that I went through, not once was the home study of the parents offered to me for viewing. I knew that they existed because I read about them in the papers upon papers that I read during the process. What was offered to me were stacks of papers that I had to fill out for everyone to read. The attorneys. The Social Workers. The Doctors. The Ultrasound Guy. The Agency (Missouri only). The State. The Judge. The Typist. Lord knows just how many people MAY have read the information that I had to provide. And with every paper I filled out, there was a disclaimer that if I provided wrongful information I could be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Um .... okay.

I sat in interview after interview, retelling my reasons, my story, my life to many people. All in an attempt to do what I thought was best for my child. Sure, I knew some information about my families ... my daughter's family more than most .... but not to the extent that they would be reading about me. I filled out information about medical, mental, personal, business, education, life style ... you name it and I answered it. I remember in the first adoption there was actually a question about how I felt about abortion. Really?

Do you see my point lady with the questions? Do you understand that there is an awful lot of information that YOU would require to have on the person who is birthing your child, but you don't see the justification for her to have the same information about you? To purposely withhold that information from the mother is not a very good way to set the tone for future communication. I believe you need to understand that this decision for a mother is not easy, most of the time it is not welcomed and it comes at a time when a woman is quite vulnerable to anything and everything. (and I make that statement from my own personal experiences, not speaking for all birth mothers out there.)

I was okay with the first two questions because they seemed normal. But when I read "that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody", that is what really annoyed me. Hey! She is not just anybody. She is a woman, a mother who is trying her best to make the RIGHT decision for her child. You may just see her as a girl in trouble, a nobody that you would think differently of if standing behind her in a grocery line. She is not that young lady. She is someone who is strong enough to ask for help at a time when many would not, could not.

Stop being so selfish, keep in mind that what you are gaining in life will be forever a hurt for another woman, another mother. Maybe having more information than is needed could bring her some comfort. Maybe she could identify with you on a level you never thought of because she read something in your file, something that she connected with. Don't be scared of her, embrace that she wants to know more about you, about how you live, about how her child will live. It might seem intrusive to you, but it could mean the world to her.

It seems to me that too often birth parents are seen as people just looking for a reason to not choose a prospective parents. That is not the case at all. Birth parents are choosing not for themselves, but for their children. Please keep that in mind.

Well hello! Been a long time ...

Silly day spent with my niece, what a great afternoon!

Yes, it is me. I am back, from a long overdue break from everything normal in my life. Much needed family time took over the schedules, the writing, the volunteering. It all became too much and my husband and I needed to step back, take a deep breath and enjoy what we have as a family. The life that we created needed to be lived, to be enjoyed. So I guess I am asking that you forgive the absence and know that I have a LOT of things to discuss in the weeks to come.

My beloved hometown, St. Louis Missouri

Before I get to that, I neglected to post the most recent article that was published in Adoption Voices Magazine. My friend Jane chose this piece and I think there is some pondering that could happen as a result of reading it. The topic has to do with a question I was asked, and the hospital stay for a birth mother.


Feel free to comment, I know that the last goodbye can be so difficult for mothers.


Facing the Fear: The Long Goodbye at the Hospital Courtesy of Adoption Voices Magazine.