Restorative Grief ~ Book Review for Adoption Reading Challenge 2011

The Chronicles of Munchkin Land is a blog that I follow and Jenna has come up with a fantastic idea for the new year. Adoption Reading Challenge 2011 is designed to help find great books about adoption and then share them with other bloggers. There are different levels to the challenge, meaning you choose how many books you will read this year, and the idea is to read the books and then review them so that other people can learn about all the literature that is available on this vast subject. Love the idea and I thank Jenna for heading up this exciting challenge! So here we go with the first book that I have read....

Restorative Grief: A guide to healing from adoption

by Cynthia Christensen

Printed by Highway, A Division of Anomalos Publishing

Cynthia, whom is a birth mother, has written a fantastic book based on her journey as a mother who chose adoption for one of her children. It is not an autobiography, but rather it was written more like a workbook to help deal with all those emotions that a parent of relinquishment goes through. I only wish I could have found a book like this when I was 19 so that I could have understood the range of thoughts that I was having after letting go of my children.

Cynthia pours her heart out in this book, explaining her thoughts and fears in a very clear and concise way. She has a very brave outlook on her choices and her faith in God is a constant companion in this book. Not only does she share her thoughts about adoption and all her heart was going through at the time, but she also shares her faith. This faith of hers, one that is strong from page one, is what drives this book to help other women understand that healing comes from within and if you work hard, you can conquer those feelings that are driving you down.Allow me to give you the Chapter Titles and that will give you an idea of what is covered in this book, from the birth mother perspective:


1. You're home, Now What?


2. Empty Arms


3. Who is Raising My Baby?


4. Really? God is an adoptive Parents?


5. Despair


6. Loneliness/Emptiness


7. Depression


8. Disappointment


9. Separation


10. Anxiety/Fear


11. Anger


12. Helplessness


13. Jealousy


14. Stepping Out


Each chapter contains Cynthia's thoughts and feelings along with some of the scriptures that helped get her through those tough times, and not to mention answer those tough questions that she and every birth mother has. Then, she very graciously invites you to write in your thoughts, to explore what it is that YOU are feeling as you read the book. There is space to express your own emotions which is an absolutely brilliant way to show that learning more about yourself is what is needed to learn to live again. I loved the concept of it, and the verses that she shares really do bring to light the subjects that are discussed in the book. I can see how this would be an excellent book for those new mothers out there, but also can see how it could help any woman who has been through an adoption think about their journey and perhaps close some old wounds. Or at least patch the wounds.


I enjoyed the author's ambitious yet honest approach to telling her story. Again and again in this book, Cynthia says to the reader .. "I am here to help you, I want you to feel better and own your life." It is clear in this book that she was able to convey the message that women are not alone, there are others out here who have been right where you are and helping is one of the best ways to educate others in order to begin the healing. I think she has done an amazing job with this book, so helpful to the INDIVIDUAL who is reading it even though it was written for a mass audience.


Although it is a small book, it will take some time to read it. Cynthia designed this book to be read over time, week by week with each chapter. This way you can really process the tough questions she asked in this book, and I encourage you to take some time to answer them. They made me think very hard about some things, things I haven't thought of in years. Examples of some of the questions are:


Have you ever felt jealousy in your adoption?


Part of your despair is caused by your perception of failure. Do you feel like you've failed?


What are you fearful or anxious about right now?


Do you have anyone in your life that you hate letting down?


Think about the lonely feelings you may be having right now. Who or what are you lonely for?


Before adoption, what did you see for your future?


Post-adoption, has that future taken on a different look? Why?


Cynthia's positive outlook and ability to reach out and touch the reader is refreshing to say the least. Anyone who would pick up this book and read it would know that they have a friend in the author. Cynthia's ability to express herself and also let the reader know that they are accepted in her eyes could be very helpful to someone who is feeling a little overwhelmed in their grief and ability to heal their heart. Just a few of the passages that jumped out for me were:


From the Chapter Despair: "In one way, I hope your adoption experience will give you more compassion for everyone you encounter because we are all fighting some sort of battle every day." She goes on to say..."They also have broken places, and though they may only want to see you for the choices you've made, rise above their opinions. Leave their heads spinning when they realize you are bigger than your choices." I just love that!


From the Chapter Loneliness/Emptiness: "Should we rely on others to fix our loneliness? It may seem like the cure is to surround ourselves with people and relationships, but often we find the cure within." So very true, and so often just not recognized.


From the same Chapter: "You have the control inside you to change what you don't like about your life, and although you can't control others, there are changes you can make to each and every one of the relationships (you have) to improve your satisfaction with them." I believe with my whole heart that life is what you make of it, and this sentence says just about the same thing.


I would recommend this book to ANY and ALL birth parents to read and work with. Cynthia Christensen has done an amazing job with this book and her hope to help others out there with their grief is bound to happen. Very well written, and I commend the author for having the courage and determination to write such a book. If you are looking to understand how to help yourself with all that has happened in your adoption, then you would benefit greatly in picking this book up and devouring it yourself! You can find more information about Cynthia, as well as information about how to get her book HERE.


I would also like to thank Cynthia for being so kind to exchange books with me! I am glad to have "met" you and after getting to know you better through your incredible writing, I have no problem calling you friend! Thank you for sharing your soul and helping so many women out there know that they are not alone.

This book receives an 8 out of 10.

Missouri and Adoption

I read an article recently that not only caught my attention, but prompted me leave a comment. The headline was "Adoption Issue Stirs Emotions." Adoption is not a cut an dry issue, it is not something that can be controlled by a system, it is not going to change without some serious avocation. I ran across this article while searching adoption and I was intrigued by the headline. I had no idea that it was an article written in my home state of Missouri. After reading all of the comments, I have to put my two cents in.


"I was 19 when I discovered I was pregnant in the late 80's. I grew up a child of divorce and saw first hand the toll that it took on my mother to be both parents, to raise me on her own. I also grew up with awful abandonment issues caused by the thought that my father did not love me enough to stay with us, I was sure it was my fault because I was not a good enough child for him. My background played a huge part in my decision to choose adoption for my child. I was committed to giving birth and having enough strength, courage and confidence to face life as a mother without a child. I knew that I wanted the best for my child at that time, and for me that choice was adoption.

I found a lawyer and told him that I had met a couple that I would like to place with and needed help to do it legally. My adoptive parents did all kinds of home studies by the State of Missouri, we all had countless interviews with the State of Missouri, and I know that there was money paid to all parties helping to make the adoption happen which included the State of Missouri. We were all ready to go. One month before my due date, the State of Missouri stepped in and TOLD me that I could not place with the parents that I chose, I would have to choose an adoption agency, a new couple and I was to have no contact, none whatsoever with my child for the rest of their life. They claimed that I had done everything illegally, I had no rights as a mother and I would do exactly as they told me to do with my unborn child. I was devastated. I was scared to death that they were going to take my child from me. I was stunned that the state in which I lived was treating me so horribly, so unbelievably disrespectful to me regarding my decision to try and do what I thought was a very honorable thing to do. What a slap in the face it was. But I am best when I am down...

I fought to keep the parents that I chose. I called countless adoption agencies and finally found one that would agree to meet me and the parents separately to discuss the possibility that my child could go to the family that I wanted her to go to. I fought tooth and nail with social workers, lawyers, counselors to raise my voice and have a say in what I wanted for my child. It was a horrible experience, I cannot begin to express the stress that it produced in that last month. It should have been a time for reflection and coming to terms with my decision but instead it turned into the fight of a lifetime. There were so many rules, so many idiotic clauses and bylines, that it made no sense why there had to be such confusion, such difficulty in something so good. The worst part of the entire experience was the attitude and cruelty of the social workers. In fact, I have since met two birth mothers who had the same exact social worker that I did and she was just as evil to them. Is this the way someone should be treated at such a pivotal point in their lives? Should the State be able to step in, uproot so many lives, so many plans, and claim that they are just doing what is best for the child? Absolutely not. We, meaning birth mothers, are not criminals. We are simply asking for help when many others would chose not to. Regardless how you feel about adoption, you have to know that there are people who truly degrade and ridicule these women into thinking they are very bad people for making such a bold and brave decision.

It was a long fight, but I did eventually place with the family that I chose. I have had written communication with the family and my daughter and I are now good friends, no kidding! We have a wonderful relationship because of the faith, support and acceptance that her parents had for me. They never hid anything from her, they were always honest with her and we are all the better for it. No question has gone unanswered so far and it has been a joy to see her grow into such an amazing young woman. But the scars are still there. The treatment of myself and other birth mothers that I have met from Missouri is in a word, inhumane. It is a bold statement, but it is true in some cases. You wouldn't think any less of someone who has lost a child, yet many think unfairly about birth mothers because we chose our pain, we chose to let our hearts walk without us. The decision to adopt is a difficult one, no matter what side of adoption you are on.

I think it is fair for those adoptees to ask for their information and they should be able to access their parents information for many other reasons. I know that not all birth mothers have had the positive experience that I have had, and I do want to remind you that I am not trying to speak for all birth mothers out there. I also think it is really sad that the State of Missouri has not made any advancements in adoption in the last 20 years, at least that is what I have gathered from what I have read here and other places. There needs to be so many changes in adoption for the peace of mind for all involved."

If you would like to read the article, please follow this link. The comments are pretty interesting.
http://www.columbiatribune.com/news/2010/jan/31/adoption-issue-stirs-emotions/

Tattooed at 22

How do you help yourself heal after placing a child for adoption? How do you deal with the pain, the loss, the grief? How do you accept that you are a mother with no child? I had many ways to cope, and this is just one of them...

When I returned to Missouri from California after the second adoption, I was a different person. I was not having an easy time dealing with the heartache that was familiar to me. I tried as hard as I could to prepare myself for life after the birth, but I soon found out that I was fooling myself. I was so disappointed in myself for having to watch my heart leave me, again, and disappointed that I could not undertand why God would put me in that position for a second time. Sure, I knew deep down that there was a reason, but that reason was eluding me and breaking me at the same time.

My solace was my mother and my man. I cannot say enough about the support and love that I received from them. I was blessed to have them, so blessed! Even though I had them, as anyone who is a birth mother knows, it was hard to move on with life. The road ahead was going to be hard, I knew that. And since I had placed my daughter a couple of years earlier I figured that I would have a good grasp on what I had to do to heal. Well, every juncure in life has it's own demons to overcome and these particular demons that I was facing were the worst. They were the worst because these demons were inside me, inside my own head. I was my own worst enenmy. I was almost manic ... happy and content one minute, depressed and lost the next. I really thought that I could heal from my broken heart so much easier because I had been through it before, I knew what was in store. I was wrong, so VERY wong.

My man noticed that I was not happy. He tried everything to help me. He held me while I cried, he smiled with me when I spoke of the twins, he made me laugh when I really did not feel like laughing. He encouraged me to do what would make me happy, whether it was driving in my car listening to Tool at loud volumes, shopping for books to forget my worries, taking a long stroll through our favorite park in Kirkwood or just laying around watching some favorite movies. He tried so hard to make me forget the gigantic hole that was in my heart. He told me that I needed to asses what it would take to make me move on, to get past the initial loss and start to heal. He did not make suggestions, just pushed me to look within and find what it was that would help me get over that first hump in healing. I thought about it for weeks, trying to find a way to put it all behind me, to find something that would help me move on. I was at a loss for so long, but then, one day, I figured out what I thought would help me.

My birthday was coming up in a month and I thought of the perfect present that would help me: a tattoo. "What?" you say. "A tattoo will help you?" you are thinking. Yes. IT would. IN my mind, mothers did not have tattoos. Tattoos were reserved for those that were rebels, wild childs that were showing their angst against what was the norm in society. All the people that I saw with tattoos were mysterious, intriguing, looked like they had a good story to tell. Keep in mind that this was the early 90's, before it was so acceptable to have a tattoo. We see them all the time now, case in point ... watch a basketball game game for two minutes and you will see 100 tats, no lie! But back then, they were far and few between. They were for real hard people who lived hard lives and you had to have a good reason to have a tattoo. not to mention, you had to have a lot of balls to be a girl and get a tattoo. Well, I had balls. I had was a rebel. I was a wild child. I was in a point in my life when I had angst against the norm in society. In my head, a tattoo would remove me from being a mother. Moms did not have tattoos then. If I got one, I would not see myself as a mother. I would see the rebelious self that I was, the strong and hard person that I was, the non-mom that I was.

I told Bruce what I wanted and he loved it. I did not explain that I thought I could pshycologically remove myself from my children with the injection of ink into my skin. I just told him that I wanted one. We went on my actual birthday to a place that was recommended by a rocker friend. It was a small building that stood by itself on the side of the road, nothing special. We walked in and they assumed that he was the one that wanted the ink. I told them that I was the one who was there to get the tattoo and I knew what I wanted. A little surprised, one of the artists said, "Well what do you want blondie...and where?" He had a mass of hair that was wild and curly, dark and a little slimey. He himself had two full sleeves and a long stroke of something that swirled up the side of his neck. He looked a little shifty, but I did not care. At that moment I was ready to do it, ready to mark myself to remove my pain. I told him that I wanted a moon with clouds around it and I brought my favorite necklace to show him that it would be a cresent with a man on the moon face in the middle of it.  I then told him that I wanted it on my ankle. He took the necklace and told me to have a seat, he would be back in five minutes with a drawing. We sat in silence, listening to the television that was on in the back. I could tell from the voices and conversation that it was "The Karate Kid" starring Ralph Machio and Elisabeth Shue. When the artist returned he had a great drawing of the moon, sans the clouds. "Let's do this, and then I can add the clouds after. Let's just feel it..." he said. Okay guy, let's feel it. I think he might have smoked a doobie while he was back there. I sat in his chair and he on his stool. He took my foot and placed the paper on my ankle. We discussed the placement, and he transfered the outline onto my skin, right over my ankle bone.

The needle was shiny, and it went deep into my skin. Oh Lord! I wanted to pull my leg away, just thank him right there and leave. But curiously, that pain did exactly what I thought it would. As I looked at his fingers leading the gun to dig the outline into my bone, I felt a strange release in my soul. I watched as the shape of what I wanted came to live on my skin, just as I had watched my belly grow into the family wanting to be born. The pain was shocking, yet so very healing for me. I had wanted to distance myself from motherhood, and watching the tattoo form on my body was doing just that. Once he finished with the coloring, he then said "Let's get those clouds on there." After he dipped the gun into the ink, he sat there holding the buzzing needle over my skin. I was watching his hand, wondering why he was not finishing the job. I looked at him and he was watching the tv. Huge smile on his face, so engaged in the movie he was no longer woking on my tattoo. I cleared my throat trying to get his attention. He then looked at me and said..."Mr. Miagi kicks ass! I love this part!" He did not care that I was there, he just wanted to watch that movie. I looked at the tv and thought of how surreal the situation was. It mirrored the feeling that I had had for the last two years: no one understood but me how important it was to distance myself from my children. More important, no one ever would. This guy finished the tat and we paid and left. I was feeling better, feeling more in control of my life. That one little thing, that small tattoo on my ankle made a huge difference in my healing and how I viewed myself.

When we relocated to California, I had the tat worked on again. I hated the "clouds" that were around my moon, thanks to Mr. Miagi's kick ass ways!, so I went to the renowned female artist Pat Fish in Santa Barbara. I asked her to fix it and add a sun around the moon. What an amazing job she did! That sun was done all free hand and only took her about 20 minutes to complete. I love the tattoo now. I love what it represents to me. It may have helped me distance myself from my grief and pain when I originally got it, but now it is a reminder of how I helped myself  become a better person. A reminder that I am strong. A reminder that if you believe in yourself, and what you are doing in life, you can accomplish unbelieveable things. It is so much more than a tattoo. It is my badge of honor.