Inconceivable ~ Book Review

Inconceivable: The Medical Mistake, the Baby We Couldn't Keep, and Our Choice to Deliver the Ultimate Gift by Carolyn & Sean Savage.

In vitro fertilization is at the heart of this inspirational story that captivated many back in 2009. A couple, Carolyn and Sean Savage, who opted for IFV were thrown into a medical nightmare when their embryos were mistaken for another couple's embryos and the result was a pregnancy that they desperately wanted for themselves. How can this happen? Is it not of the utmost importance that those in charge of such life affecting decisions do their job correctly? What would you do if faced with this predicament? This book was a journey through very tough questions brought about in the most unusual circumstances.

Told by both Carolyn and Sean simultaneously throughout the book, it flowed quite well between the two of their thoughts showing both sides in this marriage that was being tested beyond any vowes. Sean was quite meticulous in the record keeping so all of the medical, law and meetings with the biological parents were precise giving an impeccable timeline to this amazing story. It is hard to imagine the emotions that this couple endured, but their account of what they went through is so heartfelt and honest that you can't help but sympathize with their unbelievable situation.

They are the parents to three older children whom they struggled to keep the pregnancy from in the first few months. When the time comes to tell their families of the mistake that happened and how they decided to birth the child that was not theirs, well to say that it was hard to read is an understatement. But, with their strong faith and incredible sense of what needed to be done, they are able to comfort those around them even though their souls were still trying to make sense of the immense loss that they would soon feel. Surrounded by support and love from friends and family is something that shines through in this book and reminds one of the need to have those individuals around to help with roadblocks in life.

The meetings between the two parents involved are good to learn from. Carolyn describes many different feelings that she has for the other mother, deep and personal thoughts that are sometimes difficult to take in. However, it is in these thoughts that the reader begins to understand the heartbreak that she has to go through ... a heartbreak that no one should have to navigate in their lifetime. In the same respect, you also see just how this affects Sean and his need to make sense of all that is happening around him and more importantly, what is happening to the woman that he loves. Reading both of their thoughts is what makes this book so unique. There is no guessing what their true feelings are about anything that takes place during the pregnancy.

Eventually, the press gets wind of the dramatic situation and again, the Savage's grace in allowing strangers to probe into their lives, their thoughts and their heartbreak makes the reader appreciate what a great marriage can produce. The birth of Little Man, as the couple has come to call the baby boy, leaves them with broken hearts but also pride that they were able to hold true to their promises and give the ultimate gift to a couple that they would have never known without the medical mistake that changed all their lives. There are other twist and turns in the book, but I will leave you to discover those on your own as you read this remarkable writing.

My take? I was completely engrossed with this story. As a birth mother for over 20 years, I saw and heard Carolyn travel a road that I was quite familiar with. Although this situation is not an adoption, the emotions that she goes through are parallel to what many birth mothers have gone through. Completely different, yet so the same. Carolyn address' this exact topic in one paragraph in the book:

"People sometimes compare our situation to putting a baby up for adoption, yet that was so off the mark from what we felt. Women who give their babies up for adoption have very specific reasons for doing so. Of course their feeling of loss is great, and many of those women grieve over the fact that they couldn't afford or accommodate the new life they created. But we had the means and the space in our heats and in our home to keep this child."

This is true Carolyn, so very true. However, reading the thoughts that you had about how you could not imagine letting go, that you could not imagine life without this baby, that you could not begin to think about how life could move on once the baby was gone from you life was all to familiar to me. I often found myself nodding in agreement to your feelings of loss, your feelings of confusion and even your questions that you had for your Father and why he would put you in a situation where you would have to make such a difficult choice for the life that you were carrying. Yes, a birth mother's predicament is quite different from your dilemma. Yes, this is not the same as placing a child for adoption. And yes, our choices as birth mothers do not reflect the same difficulties that you and Sean faced as you watched that baby grow and capture your heart. But I cannot help thinking that I know just how you feel, how you felt and how you will continue to feel about the child that you let go.

My hope is that this story and this book will help many more people out there understand just how brave this decision was for Carolyn and Sean, and to see that the support that they gave each other was the backbone to their incredible strength. I hope that people who read this book will learn how one's heart can open up beyond what can be imagined, to teach others how to handle difficulty with grace, and most of all ... to see just how much love and faith can get anyone through those unexpected life turns that so often leave us with renewed faith in what we are capable of.

I thank you Carolyn and Sean for sharing your story with the world. What an amazing story it is.

I read this book after being asked to participate in a blog tour specifically for this book. I am grateful for being asked and I thank TLC books for not only sponsoring this tour, but for bringing this story to so many people. For more information about Carolyn and Sean Savage, please visit these links:

Visit here for the Blog Tour!

Facebook

Carolyn and Sean's Website

Savage Blog

Good Girls Don't ~ A Memoir by Patti Hawn

Continuing on with the Adoption Reading Challenge 2011, I am here to report that I found a book that just about any birth mother can read and find some part of herself in the words.

Good Girls Don't is the memoir of Patti Hawn ... birth mother, publicist, traveler, writer and sister to Goldie Hawn. Patti was in love and hopeful for a bright future when her world was turned upside down in her high school years. Finding herself pregnant at 17, Patti was from a generation when the girls who were pregnant and unwed were often sent away to give birth to their children and then place them for adoption. Patti had support from her mother, who helped her with all the planning and travel to an aunt's house for the duration of her pregnancy. Patti, at first, was feeling lonely in her new surroundings, but soon used her wonderful imagination and charm to take on a new personality when deciding to go to school while pregnant. One of the things I loved about Ms. Hawn's book is that she always had a pretty good sense of humor along with an insatiable need to be her own person ... regardless of what that person's identity was.

Unlike so many of that generation of women sent away to have babies, she knew ahead of time that the end result was going to be adoption. No one drugged her, no one lied to her and most of all she had a big hand in the decision to choose adoption for her child. So when the time came, she gave birth and let go of her baby boy just as she had planned to do. Returning to her hometown after giving birth, Patti tells a very touching story about how Goldie welcomed her home with homemade signs and a little sister hug that melted her heart. There were many touching moments in this book, but that was one of my favorites.

Determined to start again, Patti searches for a job at the State Department where she had previously worked. She was excited to get on with life, to get back to as much normalcy as possible after such a life changing event. Unfortunately, as was in those days, her dreams of that job were soon crushed because of circumstances surrounding her adoption. (This part of the book just blew me away, amazing the stigmas that are attached to women who have children out of wedlock.) Patti soon dives back into the dating scene only to find herself pregnant again, only a year after she let go of her first born son. Knowing that she could not do another adoption, she decides to parent her second son after his birth regardless of the fact that the father was not the ideal man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Single motherhood was hard, and after four years of raising her son alone, Patti finds love again and gets married. Rocky relationship turns into divorce, but not before she is blessed with another son. Haunted by what has happened in her life, Patti needs a change ... a change of scenery, a change in career, a change in life. She moves to California with her boys in tow and begins a fantastic odyssey that involves travel and soul searching. She finds Nepal, or rather I should say that Nepal finds her, and it is there that her heart begins to heal from the immense pain that she has been carrying around since giving birth to her first son. This is where Hawn begins to shine in her writing, telling about the adventures that would lead her to her own mind, her own discovery and her own healing. What an amazing spirit she writes with, almost as if the Himalaya's were her own Mecca ... releasing her soul from years of pain.

After the her time in Nepal is when she begins the journey to search for her son. She finds him, and to her surprise he would like to meet her. This is what I really liked about this book. Not only was it the story of how she was lead to adoption, but it is also a complete story because she comes around to find the little boy that she had only seen once, 40 years before in that hospital back East. I don't want to give the rest away because it is so worth the read, but this reunion is a breath of fresh air. It is the first book that I have read by a birth mother that includes the reunion of mother and child.

Ms. Hawn has done an amazing job writing this memoir with her honesty, compassion and details that lead you through the story of her life. And the best part is that she is now a mother who knows all of her children, including the one that she was separated from for so long. I for one want to thank Patti for having the courage to write this memoir from her heart. I am sure that it will help so many other birth mothers out there come to terms with their own story. This book will also solidify that many women out there are not alone in their journeys, they can take comfort that Patti was brave enough to share her story with the world.

I would give this book an 8 out of 10

Patti Hawn ~ Good Girls Don't

Good Girls Don't Facebook Fan page

On a personal note, I also want to say a hearty thank you to Patti for exchanging books with me. I feel honored that she responded to my request and feel that I have a new friend in the adoption world! So, thank you.

Restorative Grief ~ Book Review for Adoption Reading Challenge 2011

The Chronicles of Munchkin Land is a blog that I follow and Jenna has come up with a fantastic idea for the new year. Adoption Reading Challenge 2011 is designed to help find great books about adoption and then share them with other bloggers. There are different levels to the challenge, meaning you choose how many books you will read this year, and the idea is to read the books and then review them so that other people can learn about all the literature that is available on this vast subject. Love the idea and I thank Jenna for heading up this exciting challenge! So here we go with the first book that I have read....

Restorative Grief: A guide to healing from adoption

by Cynthia Christensen

Printed by Highway, A Division of Anomalos Publishing

Cynthia, whom is a birth mother, has written a fantastic book based on her journey as a mother who chose adoption for one of her children. It is not an autobiography, but rather it was written more like a workbook to help deal with all those emotions that a parent of relinquishment goes through. I only wish I could have found a book like this when I was 19 so that I could have understood the range of thoughts that I was having after letting go of my children.

Cynthia pours her heart out in this book, explaining her thoughts and fears in a very clear and concise way. She has a very brave outlook on her choices and her faith in God is a constant companion in this book. Not only does she share her thoughts about adoption and all her heart was going through at the time, but she also shares her faith. This faith of hers, one that is strong from page one, is what drives this book to help other women understand that healing comes from within and if you work hard, you can conquer those feelings that are driving you down.Allow me to give you the Chapter Titles and that will give you an idea of what is covered in this book, from the birth mother perspective:


1. You're home, Now What?


2. Empty Arms


3. Who is Raising My Baby?


4. Really? God is an adoptive Parents?


5. Despair


6. Loneliness/Emptiness


7. Depression


8. Disappointment


9. Separation


10. Anxiety/Fear


11. Anger


12. Helplessness


13. Jealousy


14. Stepping Out


Each chapter contains Cynthia's thoughts and feelings along with some of the scriptures that helped get her through those tough times, and not to mention answer those tough questions that she and every birth mother has. Then, she very graciously invites you to write in your thoughts, to explore what it is that YOU are feeling as you read the book. There is space to express your own emotions which is an absolutely brilliant way to show that learning more about yourself is what is needed to learn to live again. I loved the concept of it, and the verses that she shares really do bring to light the subjects that are discussed in the book. I can see how this would be an excellent book for those new mothers out there, but also can see how it could help any woman who has been through an adoption think about their journey and perhaps close some old wounds. Or at least patch the wounds.


I enjoyed the author's ambitious yet honest approach to telling her story. Again and again in this book, Cynthia says to the reader .. "I am here to help you, I want you to feel better and own your life." It is clear in this book that she was able to convey the message that women are not alone, there are others out here who have been right where you are and helping is one of the best ways to educate others in order to begin the healing. I think she has done an amazing job with this book, so helpful to the INDIVIDUAL who is reading it even though it was written for a mass audience.


Although it is a small book, it will take some time to read it. Cynthia designed this book to be read over time, week by week with each chapter. This way you can really process the tough questions she asked in this book, and I encourage you to take some time to answer them. They made me think very hard about some things, things I haven't thought of in years. Examples of some of the questions are:


Have you ever felt jealousy in your adoption?


Part of your despair is caused by your perception of failure. Do you feel like you've failed?


What are you fearful or anxious about right now?


Do you have anyone in your life that you hate letting down?


Think about the lonely feelings you may be having right now. Who or what are you lonely for?


Before adoption, what did you see for your future?


Post-adoption, has that future taken on a different look? Why?


Cynthia's positive outlook and ability to reach out and touch the reader is refreshing to say the least. Anyone who would pick up this book and read it would know that they have a friend in the author. Cynthia's ability to express herself and also let the reader know that they are accepted in her eyes could be very helpful to someone who is feeling a little overwhelmed in their grief and ability to heal their heart. Just a few of the passages that jumped out for me were:


From the Chapter Despair: "In one way, I hope your adoption experience will give you more compassion for everyone you encounter because we are all fighting some sort of battle every day." She goes on to say..."They also have broken places, and though they may only want to see you for the choices you've made, rise above their opinions. Leave their heads spinning when they realize you are bigger than your choices." I just love that!


From the Chapter Loneliness/Emptiness: "Should we rely on others to fix our loneliness? It may seem like the cure is to surround ourselves with people and relationships, but often we find the cure within." So very true, and so often just not recognized.


From the same Chapter: "You have the control inside you to change what you don't like about your life, and although you can't control others, there are changes you can make to each and every one of the relationships (you have) to improve your satisfaction with them." I believe with my whole heart that life is what you make of it, and this sentence says just about the same thing.


I would recommend this book to ANY and ALL birth parents to read and work with. Cynthia Christensen has done an amazing job with this book and her hope to help others out there with their grief is bound to happen. Very well written, and I commend the author for having the courage and determination to write such a book. If you are looking to understand how to help yourself with all that has happened in your adoption, then you would benefit greatly in picking this book up and devouring it yourself! You can find more information about Cynthia, as well as information about how to get her book HERE.


I would also like to thank Cynthia for being so kind to exchange books with me! I am glad to have "met" you and after getting to know you better through your incredible writing, I have no problem calling you friend! Thank you for sharing your soul and helping so many women out there know that they are not alone.

This book receives an 8 out of 10.