Lucky 13



My favorite thing about this photo
is the woman who stopped behind us,
just to take a look see.

 13 is considered an unlucky number. I happen to like the number 13 and do not find anything superstitious about it, believing it all to be hoopla.


Today is my anniversary. 13 years I have been married to Bruce, and I can honestly say that every year we come upon this day we find ourselves more in love than the year before. We have been through so much in our courtship, relationship and marriage that I doubt you could find a circumstance that we could not tackle together.

He has been my backbone, my best friend and my jester for years! I say jester in an endearing way because just when I am about to commit homicide, he reels me back to sanity with his unmatched sense of humor. He can touch my soul, and make me feel as if there is no one else on Earth. He works hard for our family, volunteers just as much as I do and he makes it all look so very easy.

He is admired and loved by many, which only makes me adore him more.

He has been more than a husband, more than a friend, and more than a soul mate. He IS my heart. Bottom line.

Happy Anniversary to the man who reminds me every day that life is an amazing journey and rather than try to control it ... it is best enjoyed unleashed!

Love you to the stars and beyond,

Me

Well hello! Been a long time ...

Silly day spent with my niece, what a great afternoon!

Yes, it is me. I am back, from a long overdue break from everything normal in my life. Much needed family time took over the schedules, the writing, the volunteering. It all became too much and my husband and I needed to step back, take a deep breath and enjoy what we have as a family. The life that we created needed to be lived, to be enjoyed. So I guess I am asking that you forgive the absence and know that I have a LOT of things to discuss in the weeks to come.

My beloved hometown, St. Louis Missouri

Before I get to that, I neglected to post the most recent article that was published in Adoption Voices Magazine. My friend Jane chose this piece and I think there is some pondering that could happen as a result of reading it. The topic has to do with a question I was asked, and the hospital stay for a birth mother.


Feel free to comment, I know that the last goodbye can be so difficult for mothers.


Facing the Fear: The Long Goodbye at the Hospital Courtesy of Adoption Voices Magazine.

Oh the Joy of Being Assasinated

This past week has been great. Just peachy. I have heard tons of things in my lifetime as soooooo many people just love to let me know what a vile and disgusting human being I am. However, a couple of new ones cropped up this week. One called me a "useless consumerist careerbot", claiming I chose adoption because my children "were cramping her lifestyle". I had an anonymous comment on my Formspring that told me I was "brainwashing a new generation" of children with my book. Another one wants to spit on my shoes saying I am a "happy abandoner".

All because I am Kelsey Stewart. I breathe, therefore they hate me. It's all good. I understand that women like me bring about feelings of rage and anger, some to a level that you have to resort to name calling and junior high behavior.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than to bully someone else. Better yet, someone you don't know from Adam. Assuming so much about someone from ONE LITTLE ARTICLE. I tell my story all the time, and often there is a legion that comes about to voice how despicable I am. What an evil and repugnant human being I am.  This because they know me.

Not. At. All.

Yep, been dealing with the haters for a while and I pay them no attention. Funny thing is, they keep saying the same things over and over. I hear victim from their mouths all the time. They tell others not to use words like rage, bitter or anger ... yet they spew it all over the place and never think twice about how ironic it is to do so. I find it rather humorous that one person, one voice out here in the world can cause so many to just explode. Spontaneous combustion on their keyboards. What is going on in your life that you need to randomly seek out people and question their truths? What gives you the right to pass judgement on others, especially people you do not know?


I have not written 30% of what I know about adoption, there is more to come. Sure, having a positive point of view is RARE in the world of online adoption talk. I have no problem admitting that the road has not always been good. It has not always been what it is for me now. I have told of my problems, issues and all the rights that need to happen in adoption. But there is NO WAY someone can tell me that what I have experienced did not happen. Just because adoption has not been in YOUR favor does not mean that is the way it is for everyone. I know this because you choose to tell me. All. The. Time.

But regardless of how many times you tell me that I am a delusional, ignorant, coerced,  happy bee mommy the more it drives me to make you crazy and speak my mind. We all have room. The world is a big place. I am not going away, nor will I change my writing style, or have my mind changed, or fall of my unicorn into a field of rainbow cupcakes. How about you take your own advice and LISTEN to others and their TRUTHS. After all, that is the courtesy I have given you, is it not? 


Thanks for keeping me on my toes ladies, you know I love that you visit me and follow what I am up to. Obviously you see me as a threat, so I must be doing something right.

PS...to the lovely soul who complained that my book looked like an untalented 5th grade student told a story. Here's a news flash: It's a children's book. Kids like things that look like they may have drawn them, so I chose a style that would appeal to them. Duh.

It's A Dog's Life ~ And What a HILARIOUS Story!!!!

Ever wonder why Chuck E Cheese has an escort/bodyguard at all times? I did too, until this past week when I learned first hand the reason why .....


OH yes! I am at it again ;) I have told you all before about my need to vounteer for everything when it comes to my kids. The newest adventure comes from a request that the Prez of the Parent Group had for me last week. We are doing a fundraiser that has initiatives for the kids in the way of coupons. When you sell so many items, you have your parent fill out the coupon and then you come to school to redeem the coupon for a necklace from The Big Blue Dog. My part in all of this? YOu guessed it, I was The Big Blue Dog. What fun! OR so I thought. Below you will find the whole story of the day, along with pictures to show you what it was that I was dealing with ... and it still makes me giggle when I think about that day!


All the captions are under the pictures to explain what the heckalecka is going on...

Started the day off in a fun mood. How could I not, I was in a Big Blue Dog suit!

Okay, I am waving and high fiving the kids ... they love it, I am smiling and things are good.

More kids start coming out from lunch and soon two hands are not enough to high five them all.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I was sending a signal here, that I was being inundated by kids and might need some help. My helpers thought I was being enthusiastic and waving at them, little did they know I was hyperventilating in this thing!!!!!!

But the crowd starts to break up and I can see that the lunch lady is starting to give me the evil eye so, I decide to run towards the line that the kids should be in to try and shoo them away to the playground but....

OH NO! It backfired and soon I was being chased by Kinders and 1st graders towards the line .... I was sucking wind here because it was hard to breathe in the Dog Head!

This is me literally trying to get my balance because there were kids all around me ... hugging me tightly ... still high fiving me but I wasn't high fiving back so they were basically just hitting me ... and I was starting to get really hot at this point!

Here I am trying not to pass out ... I am starting to sweat really bad and the kids were tripping me because although you cannot tell I was like a bass in the middle of sardines! They were smothering me, all yelling  "BLUE DOG! BLUE DOG!" I was getting a little scared here, and the sun was like a blow torch!

Ahhhh ... I finally flagged down Brenda who helped me get to a table in the shade to relieve my shaky knees! Yay, Blue Dog!

Okay, they are now climbing all over Blue Dog and I was high fiving but also trying to push them back, off of Blue Dog.



OMG! MAYHEM!

Look! They are poking me all over the place ... my arms ... my nose ... won't even tell you where the other kid is poking!

Having some fun with the picture! Bad Dog!

I started to gain so much attention that the kids wanted autographs. Notice how I put the paw print next to the signature? I am too much!

 

I get caught on the playground with the older kids and they poke a little harder. I was getting hot again ...

Then someone started pulling my tail! Hey, let's be nice now. I also started to wonder how many other people left their DNA all over the inside of the Dog Head and I stated to panic about all the GERMS I was inhaling! Ewwww...

This is Blue Dog's pissed off walk. Sweating and unable to breathe properly, I needed to sit down!

Fist bumping some kids and wishing I had a mini fan. One kid saw that my glasses were a little ascure after the last rush and he stuck his finger through the costume and almost poked me in the eye. I had to refrain from returning the favor.

Oh yeah, I wanted to play hand ball for some reason! Bad idea, hand ball in the Big Blue Dog costume. My peripheral vision was zilch and had no idea the ball hit me off the wall ...

This is the "I can't friggin see!" attempt to get the ball to the wall...

So let's try swinging ... THAT should create some kind of breeze that Blue Dog might enjoy! Holy Crap I was dying in this thing!

Okay, going to attempt to climb these stairs with the kids ...

Doing good for not being able to see below my nose ...

How this picture looks is how I felt right about now, all discombobulated!

Look at all the kids up there, this is me escaping .

Whoo Hoo!!!!!!!

Right after this pic I went to take the costume off and it looked like I just walked out of LA Fitness! Drenched in sweat, and my hair was so wet it looked like I just stepped out of the shower. I disinfected my face (was still wondering what I might have contracted from the Dog Head!) and told my escort that I would wear a BIKINI the next time I donned the costume!!!!


So now you know why Chuck E Cheese ALWAYS has someone with him ... it's for protection from crazy kids!!!!!!!

She's A Grand Old Flag

If there is anything that I felt while looking at this display it was love.

It was 8 years and 9 months since 9-11 and this was the first time I had been in New York City. We were on a tour bus and were stopped right in front of a small triangular spot, and it was remarkable how quite it was. No one was talking, rather we were all looking at the remains of messages of love sent out to the world and left there for many to see. It was a reminder of a time that changed America. It left me feeling, well, reflective.

The thing that I remember the most about 9-11 were the weeks that followed that awful event. You could not get away from the news of it, there was 24 hour coverage of Ground Zero and the efforts to find people. The stories of heroism that helped us all breathe a little easier just knowing that the kindness of so many saved lives. The immediate unity of the country that ensued was a comfort to me. Everywhere I went, I could see American Flags. Flying on houses, flying at businesses, flying from cars on the road, painted on old buildings, and all representing a resilience that comes from a long line of Americans who believe in spirit, and most of all ... freedom.

I loved that period in my lifetime, those months and couple of years that followed 9-11 because of the people. There were smiles. There was eye contact. People were generally kinder than before. It was as if we all wanted to make the most of what we had, to learn from that tragedy to really LOOK at life and enjoy what we have right now. I could feel it, just about everywhere I went. It was as if the American way of life got a shot in the arm and we were all proud of how we could take a punch but prevail in the end.

In watching all of the shows about the Twin Towers this last week I am again reminded that we all have to do what we can to live a good life, to treat others the way we want to be treated. I believe we have lost our way a little, that we took some trail off to the side and we are all spread out trying to find our way back to the road. Remember how we all did our best to just get along after that happened? How we tried to be the best neighbor, friend, wife, mother, whatever it is that you are ... didn't you strive to be a little better come 9-12-01? To make the most of who you were, and how you could help someone else even if it was just one day at a time? I know I did. And I know many others who felt exactly the same way.

On this somber anniversary of tragedy and life altering for not only a nation, but for the entire world, may we all remember. Remember the lives that were senselessly lost. Remember the lives that were heroes. Remember the innocence that was lost. And most of all, may we all remember to be thankful for everyday that WE still have left. May we remember to do what we can to be the best that we can possibly be. May we all remember to take time to live life, and love what we have around us.

Lady Liberty's right foot is like this to represent a forward motion.

The Beginnings of Kelsey's Story

So, I have many new readers here and some that are not so new but do not know my story in it's completion. I have been asked a few times if I have a "Here's my story" post that expalins all that I was going through while pregnant. I do, sort of.

I had not visited these posts in a long time and as I reread them I thought to myself that I really should creat an all new one based on the fact that I was pretty new to writing when this was created.

Anyway, enough of my babbling .... here is my story as I know it (or at least until I can find the time to rewrite this little life of mine  ;)

Thank you to all who asked, and I hope you enjoy reading what lead me to adoption.

The Journey That Defined My Book  ~ Part One

The Journey That Defined My Book ~ Part Duex

A Little More About Us

I am waiting for him to come home because we have a date tonight, as in August 2011. But alas he is always working hard and is still about an hour away so I found it the perfect time to share a little more about our life, and our journey to the life we live now.

February 1995 the call came. There was a store in Ventura that needed a store manager and it was THE perfect location in relation to where my family lived. AWESOME! I had two weeks to get there. NOT SO AWESOME. I thought I could do it, just pack up and go within a week. I told my DM that I could finish out one week and only needed the next week to pack and sum it all up. I was completely wrong. I realized rather quickly that although we had made the decision to go when the time came, I had not factored in that I would be leaving all that I knew: close family, many friends, roads, landmarks, bank accounts, business acquaintances that I had to at least say goodbye to. It was overwhelming and heart crushing to finish it all in two weeks, but that is what happened. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends for coming to the various parties in those days. The support and love you shined on me was evidence that I would so miss the familiarity of their companionship.

I left on a Tuesday morning, early. My mother took me to the airport and that was very hard to say goodbye to her, complete with her compliments on how courageous it was of me to leave all I know to make my own niche in the world. I landed and picked up the Volvo that I was purchasing from my cousin. There was nothing like that drive from the airport to my cousin's house where I was going to stay. I had a sunroof for the first time in my life and I drove listening to Tool, cruising up the 5 FWY, truly out on my own for the fist time and so happy to accomplish my personal goal of being in California before I was 25. I can still smell the lilac air that soon turned to orange blossoms and then into jasmine. I felt peace, I felt free.

Bruce was ready to come out by May. I arranged to come into town without my mother knowing because we wanted to be packed and on the road by Monday and it just so happened that her birthday fell on that very weekend! Bruce picked me up and we embraced for about 5 minutes right there in the terminal. So great to see him, hold him and know that he would be forever with me once we made this move. Grateful for the trust he had in me to lead us to the so called promised land, and by that I mean our new start. My mother was working that day and I told Bruce that we were going to BBQ at her house so when she came home she would see him first, and then I would just jump out and say HELLO! It worked, and she loved it! See, we had told her that Bruce was going to make the drive by himself so she never thought I would be there. But I was. And she loved it!

The day before her birthday our good friends held a party for our finale leaving town bash. It was fabulous, so many friends came out .... all of whom told both of us privately how much they admired us and wished us nothing but happiness and a life lived well. It was an emotional night, it was a hilarious night, it was a This is you Life kind of night with people dropping by at all hours to wish us well, see us one last time before the adventure of a lifetime. Some friends surprised us with their heartfelt send off, and some friends refused to say goodbye vowing that they would visit. Bruce and I were apprehensive and anxious, but after that night we knew that there were many other people who were behind us in all that we wanted to do in our lives. This helped us to then say goodbye to our families that Monday morning, the last day that we lived in Missouri.

Setting off we were quiet. Me especially because we left from my mother's house so I was the last one to say goodbye. We hit the highway heading West and the song came on, and it was perfect. Led Zeppelin fans that we were, Going to California seemed to somehow ease all that we were feeling that morning. We drove over familiar territory, looking one last time at the landscape ... the signs to Jesse James Cavern .... Six Flags Over Mid America .... The Ozarks, it would be a long time before we would travel this area again and we paid attention to all we could. Remembering all the times we drove it and took it for granted.

Heading into Oklahoma we realized that we would have to stop there for the night. It was not long at all after the Oklahoma City Bombing so things were subdued to say the least. We found a place to stay and after eating, we crashed out dreaming of what the next day would bring.

That is all for now, I have to get ready for my night out with the hubby. Considering it does not happen often, I am thankful that we will have some time alone. To just hang out with each other, and this time talk about all that we have done since coming to California. It has been a mixture of survival and discovery that has somehow turned out to be top notch coupledom with stamina, love, compromise and humor. Oh how I love that man of mine!

Life Rewards Are All Around Us

Birthdays are good. I LIKE Birthdays. When I was young, my mother used to do Birthday weeks. This was her idea that I should be celebrated the entire week of my Birthday and it was wonderful. Staying up late, watching what I wanted on TV, dinners I LOVED upon request, you name it and she would make it happen. It was so loving of her, so many amazing memories that were made in those early years of life.

You get older, and for me ... they just seemed to get better. Some of my favorites were seeing Grease on my 7th Birthday with my very bestest friend Julie. I already knew all the words to the song thanks to the album, so to say that I sat still while watching it would be false. I was singing and dancing in my seat all the way through! On my 16th Birthday all my friends were super great to me, I was the STAR that day and it was complete with a cake that had my likeness fashioned into a driver's license (again, cool mom!) My 22nd was marked with my first tattoo with more meaning behind it than anyone could ever know. (See this post.) My 25th marked the first birthday that I was out on my own living in a new state. Some friends came out from STL as well as my mom (like you would expect her to stay away on such a monumental Birthday!)

My 30th was hard, because the year was so monumental. Got married, had a baby, my mother died, bought a house ... wanna add any other stress factors or life changing moments in ONE YEAR? The answer there would be, no. But by 35 I had bounced back with a FANTASTIC few days in Vegas, and because of the laws there I cannot tell you what happened. Last year was the big 4-0. What a celebration that was! It lasted the entire month of August and included my first book signing in my hometown followed that night by a surprise birthday party that Bruce threw for me. WOW! Not much could top that stupendous month last year.

But I must tell you that it is the little things in life that make us the happiest, and this birthday that was so low key seemed to be just what I needed. Hung out with the family, went bowling with my son's friend who ... unbeknowmst to him, ... was really a surprise bowling birthday party for him. Then we were surprised by our neighbors with the offer to go to dinner while they took our boys. YAY! That does not happen often so we jump at the chance! The whole day was lax, lazy, and just what I wanted. No gifts, beautiful flowers and cards from all the boys, but nothing big as far as gifts. That was, until I took the boys to Hollywood on Wednesday.

I had always wanted to take them, but Chase was just too young before now. I thought, why not? so we packed some snacks and headed there on a cloudy Wednesday morning taking the coastal route so the boys could see Malibu and Santa Monica. Once there, on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I took great pleasure pointing out the names, who they were and what it was that they were famous for. My boys knew many of the names in music, but the movie ones they connected on a different level. I said "It's Tom Hanks. He's Woody in Toy Story." or "This is Michael Keaton. He was Jack Frost." Funny how they knew the voices, but not the movie work of many stars I love.

As we were exploring, I noticed that my oldest had given the younger one his hat and since both of them are fair and blond I knew I had to get Bodde a hat. We ducked into a souvenir shop and he chose the cheapest had he could find so we could go back to the day. He asked me to go after him, although I insisted on paying for the hat. He was buying something else, but he did not want me to see. He fumbled with his money in his pocket and I asked if he needed more. He said, "No, I have it Mom. Thanks."

After his transaction I stepped up to buy the hat. Bodde handed me the bag and said ..."This is for you." I took the bag and opened it. It was a Star key chain that said "Princess" on it. "I didn't get you a Birthday present and I know how much you like the movies and this place. I tried to find your name but could not, but I have heard Dad call you that so I bought it for you. Happy Birthday, Mom."

Well, I think it is easy for me to say that perhaps this will be a great year with a start like that! I also will say that there are times when my children amaze me with their love. I must have done something right to be blessed so much with the family that I have. There are life rewards all around us, we just have to be willing to accept and cherish them all at the same time.

One Is Loud, One Is Quiet

How do you walk up and say "Hi" to someone you haven't seen in months, love more than your body can stand and have missed so immensely your heart almost tore in two from the ache? You don't. I didn't. My plane came in and I could not handle waiting another 12 hours to see him. I was in the same time zone, the same zip code and all it would take would be a short 13 minute drive from my mom's house to the rink where he was playing hockey. It had been months since I heard his laugh in person, and I needed to see him. I could barely breath. I stood there behind him, not able to move. Our good friend saw me and his face, his smile and his greeting told Bruce that someone was behind him. He turned, our eyes met and the endless embrace began.

When I returned from California, I was different. I have written about it before, but California changed me as a person. The best way to describe it is that I was in my early 20's, no one knew me, no one knew my past or my life and I could be the TRUE Kelsey that I wanted to be. I spent a LOT of time with me there, just being. I walked for an hour or so every day into the mountains listening to my favorite bands on my Walkman. Yeah ... I said Walkman. Hey! It was cool back then. In those walks, with the amazing beauty of the landscape and my head filled with so many possibilities I just found some peace among the foothills. I found that I was less stressed, less concerned for others thoughts or beliefs (pertaining to me). I had to live in California, that I knew.

Bruce was excelling in his welding career, and I had found a niche in the music retail industry while still waiting tables. I took a part time job at Christmas time that turned into a fast moving managing career over the next couple of years. And in all of our success, I have to admit that there was a period of about a year that we really struggled, or I should say I really struggled and Bruce was going crazy because he could not help me. We did not talk often about the adoption, I think he was afraid to bring the subject up with me to truthful. He knew the hurt from my Bella, and he was not focusing on helping me forget but rather focusing on helping me be Kelsey again. He wanted the old me back, and I felt that she was gone, non existent to her former self. I was torn within that I had endured that pain not once, but twice. And this time in the aftermath of it all, I was still in a relationship with the father. He was still there. Still loving me. Still laughing with me. Still holding me when I was crying, and telling me over and over that I was loved. I was strong. I was going to make it through with him at my side. This, I was not used to at all.

But, that was the best part of the rebuilding, and by that I mean of the relationship. You do not have children, place them for adoption and then return to the normal relationship that you had prior to that life altering decision. You will find no book out there to walk you through it, nor should there be. This is something that has to be lived, learned and powered through by those involved and them only. Just as there are different stories in adoption, there are different relationships and no two are the same. So that book, it would be useless. Why? There are things and moments that happen that you could never prepare for. Our relationship was moving, evolving and at the same time we were going through that awkward getting to know you stage that we did not have at the beginning of our romance. Remember I talked about that? How we already knew each other? Well, we still knew each other but we had to adjust to this new aspect of the union. We were parents. It felt like another realm when we talked about it. We mainly discussed if I was feeling alright, or if there were any updates as to how they were doing.

I felt as if we needed to really consider making a change. Really make a go of being our own couple, in other words making a new life for ourselves somewhere not in St. Louis. Don't get me wrong, I love my Lou! Amazing architecture, beautiful city and surrounding suburbs, GREAT BASEBALL TEAM!, and the most wonderful people and friends anyone could ask for. I am grateful that I have a Midwestern background because we are folk known to be hard working, honest and loyal. But I needed to go. There were just too many memories right there in front of me that I needed to cut loose, to let myself free of the things I saw everyday. I told Bruce that I wanted to move to Cali, that I would wait for him if that is what he wanted or if he wanted to stay, that I would understand as well. I explained that if he wanted that old Kelsey back then he would have to trust me once again and take the leap with me to start a new life, make roots of our own. He thought about it, considered the options and where he was in his life personally and came to the conclusion that he liked the idea of moving out, and in a sense growing up.

God love him for that, he is such a good man. Once I put in for the transfer we knew that any day there would be a call and I could be working in Cali within two weeks. We took a vacation there and stayed with my cousins. Ironically enough, the first night we stayed with family that lived in the town that we NOW call home. We did not remember it much then, it all seems a blur when you go on vacation anyway. He loved California, he knew that he could life there if he had to ... if it meant being with me then he would move. That was his thinking. But I could tell he was warming up to the idea. After that trip, anytime he spoke of the pending transfer to the Golden State there was a little twinkle in his eye. He grew to let his daydreams take him away, to really see the possibilities that lie ahead for a young couple starting a new life.

This new found anticipation helped us open up and speak freely about how we were doing with the adoption. We were getting pictures and letters so those were always good conversation starters. We would talk about the family resemblances, the facial expressions, the activities that each enjoyed individually and how they pertained to our personalities. We listened to each other, talked of how we would handle meeting them in the future, how we would feel about having children of our own. Amazing conversations that would not come up in the normal relationship, the one without adoption. This bond that we had was starting to give us strength. We were realizing, through the years and the wait for the move, that we were better off in our relationship if we talked about it from time to time. I think in the beginning, right after the twins were born, that we were forcing ourselves to talk about it and that wasn't good at all. Not to mention it was all so fresh and new, those kinds of life altering events need time to sink in, time to be thought about, and time to be ingested.

I think I was trying to push him to talk, and he was trying to show me that sometimes you just need to think for a while and not talk. Sounds so manly, doesn't it? Ah .. who needs talking? Just think about it and don't tell me! But he was right, I was trying too hard to be the relationship therapist. He opened up, he began to speak honestly about his true feelings but only after he had the time to really take it all in. One is loud, one is quiet and often the quiet one is right.

I am loud. I love to talk. Isn't that obvious here? But this kind, patient, wise man who was younger than I was showing me that life needs to be lived, it needs to be loved and it needs to go at it's own pace to teach the lessons that need to be learned.

Whew, next time we move cross country to the Pacific complete with the transition from couple to husband and wife.

He Gave Me Strength, That Man Of Mine

Look at the size of that BELLY! All baby in there, boy!

Bruce and I kept our romance under wraps for quite some time. The reason for that was we had so many of the same friends and IF this fling was just that, a fling, we did not want our friends to feel weird about being around us if it did not work out. I have seen that type of situation before. Good friends that try to date, it does not work out and soon there are awkward feelings for not only the couple, but for the friends that surround them. Our group of friends were pretty tight and we just did not want to put any pressure on them. I am sure some of them knew. Matter of fact, I knew it because our gazes and sly smiles were undeniable obvious: we had a shining for each other.

I had never felt so comfortable in a relationship in my life. There was no getting to know him period, he had been a good friend for years. There was no shyness, awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. We always had something to talk about or enjoy, we always had somewhere to go or people to see. And to tell the truth it was quite intoxicating to go out with him, knowing that all we wanted to do was kiss each other ... passionately! Thrilling, to say the least, I looked forward to getting off work and bidding my time until I would see him again.

This budding romance continued for many months, both of us still giddy in finding our true feelings for one another. Thinking about it now only brings a twinge of that exhilaration back, I can actually feel the butterflies in my stomach now just as I did then. (Now that is impressive after 2 decades if I do say so myself!) Neither Bruce or I grew up with our fathers in the home, so we were rather clueless as to how couples were to keep the love alive. We knew that there would be a huge learning curve to our courtship filled with many late night talks about love, life, marriage, where we would be in 10 years and of course ... how many children we wanted traipsing through the halls of our perfect little house.

It took us by surprise, the pregnancy. Believe me, I was very careful about the birth control, after all I had already had a child that I placed for adoption. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I was truly happy that I was pregnant with the man of my life. Then the doctor revealed that there were two babies and it changed everything. I was barely 21. Bruce was 19. We were both in the middle of our secondary education, no stable jobs, no house or apartment together (I had moved back home because I lost my roommate.) We knew we loved each other and wanted nothing more than to have a family together. But the timing was off. We were so young, and still very new to our relationship. It was not a situation that I would put anyone else into. And our biggest thought was how difficult it would be to have just one baby, but two? Twice the everything. Diapers. Food. Clothing. Space. Savings. Attention. It was all a very sinking feeling to know that we would love to have children, but were not nearly ready mentally or financially to care properly for two children. Call it selfish if you like, we thought it was a very mature and thoughtful way to look at things.

In our discussions as to what we should do, how we would handle an adoption we realized that if we were to go that route I could not stay in the State of Missouri. I had enough trouble with the system the first time and Bruce was there for all of it so he knew the emotional toll that it took on me and my family. Since I had family connections in California, that is where we decided I should go. What an anguishing thing it was to leave him. I knew he was scared shit less about what was to come, and I knew he felt bad about me going it alone. He did not want to let me go that night, the evening before my plane left for Cali. He squeezed every possible moment out of that night that he could, and even ran out to my car to hug me one more time before I drove off to go home. We were heartbroken. Not with our decision, but with the situation. I cannot stress how much being from broken families can effect the way you think about things and one thing was certain: Neither Bruce nor I wanted our children to be brought up in a broken home and we could not guarantee how our love would withstand such challenges as raising twins before we were ready to.

For months he called me everyday, faithfully, to see how things were progressing. He sat and listened as I read files to him over the phone of couples that I could meet. We chose three that sounded similar to us. We looked at their religious beliefs, lifestyles, child rearing beliefs, interests, hobbies and so on. I met them and for a week we discussed the pros and cons of each until we made a decision about who we should choose. He told me time and again how strong I was, how he admired the guts that it took for me to leave everything I knew to go and find a good life for our children. He was so supportive, so caring. He sent flowers. He sent love letters. He was an amazing rock that stood right by me, so to speak, all the while working away at home to keep up his ambitions, his dreams. When the time came, when labor started, I called so that he could hop on a plane and be there for the birth. That was one thing I wanted, for him to be there when those precious souls came into this world. This was before cell phones and because of the time difference, I missed him. He had already left for work and could not be reached in any way.

Despite the fact that it was too late for him to get there in time for the birth, he made sure he was in touch once he was home and near a phone. The twins were born and within 30 minutes I was on the phone with Bruce gushing about how gorgeous the boys were. His apologies were plenty, and my understanding was abundant as we talked quietly about how much we missed each other, wanted to be together and how we would get each other through the afterlife of walking without our children. I felt nothing but love for him, and grateful that he was so understanding and trusted me as much as he did. Our relationship had changed, but it was all for the better. We were now bound together in life and no matter what else was to come we would be stronger than the average couple because of the healing we would eventually help each other through. That healing would take years, with some twists and turns from time to time that neither of us would see coming. This story still has more, but I want your eyes to recover from all that you have ingested so far.

More to come, so keep reading as this love story continues....

Part III  ......  One is Loud, One is Quiet

No 20 Year Itch Here!

So, twenty years is a long time ... right? So much has changed since 1991. CNN was a little known new station that would have stayed that way except for the fact that they broadcast the Gulf War ... LIVE on TV. Whoa, we had never seen that before! Four Los Angeles police officers are indicted for the videotaped beating of Rodney King during an arrest. Boris Yeltsin was the President of Russia and later the KGB would be officially disbanded. George Bush was the President of the United States who, the following year, threw up all over the Prime Minister of Japan at a televised event! 

There were no cell phones, at least none for the general public, computers were JUST starting to catch on as possible household items and it was the year that we all met Jeffery Dalmer and his barrels of people in his tiny apartment. The 1991 Perfect Storm strikes the northeastern United States and Atlantic Canada, causing over $200 million of damage and resulting in 12 direct fatalities. Magic Johnson was one of the very first celebrities to disclose he had HIV and sadly, he left the NBA.

Me? I was into music and movies! Nirvana's second album Nevermind is released which absolutely BLEW MY MIND! Many more grunge bands hit the scene that year including Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains and Soundgarden. Loved them all! I was heartbroken when Freddie Murcury died, there has never been another voice like his since his passing. (You know Queen when you hear it!) Three of my FAVORITE albums are released later in the year: Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magic; U2's Actung Baby and Metallica's self titled album. Then, the best of the best happened ... my music world and my movie world enjoyed Madonna's Truth or Dare. Oh, I must have watched that movie 30 times in my life and just get such a thrill out of watching that woman do her thing! Speaking of movies, I enjoyed the JACKPOT in Oscar predictions that year. You see, it was the year that we were all mesmerized by Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Right after I saw that movie, I told people that it would win it all come Academy Award time. I said it would win Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screen Play. When it did, I looked like a genius!!!!!!!! (sidenote ... Did you know? Hopkins' performance - supposedly comprised of 16 minutes of screen time, was purported to be the shortest Best Actor performance ever, up to this time.)

But the Cherry On Top thing to happen for me in 1991 was on July 28th. I had just started a new job waiting tables at a really nice restaurant and I was spending a LOT of time with my friend Bruce. We had soooo much in common and we could really make each other laugh, so much so that we spent hours giggling at our thoughts and sayings. We had been friends for a few years because we had the same circle of friends. But something was happening with us. Although I had my own apartment, I found myself at his house quite a bit just hanging out and watching the occasional hockey game. But that night, that Tuesday night all those years ago everything changed. And it changed for the better. What started out as an innocent night just watching reruns of Hunter on TV turned into the night we realized that our feelings for each other could no longer be hidden.

Sitting in a chair together, a moment came when we had just finished laughing and the silence was awkward. Looking at each other, he leaned in and kissed me. That was it! I was done! I knew in that moment that there need not be another man in my life. Bruce was THE ONE I had been longing for and on that night I knew I had found the person I wanted to spend forever with!

Fast forward a year and our lives would be forever changed. Different than we had ever expected. More challenging than most relationships hitting their first anniversary. We had been pregnant, had twins and then chose adoption for them. Talk about life altering, this was a mother load of change that two young people could not fathom would happen. There is more to this story, and I will share that with you next time. I want to share how we made it through the bad, and the good, and still continue to laugh, love and enjoy the life we were given...so stay tuned.

Part II

He Gave Me Strength, That Man of Mine

Summer GiVeAwAy!!!!

It's time for another GIVEAWAY! That's right, you can enter right here for a signed copy of The Best For You, a unique children's book that is from a birth mother's point of view. The premise of this book is to help children understand what one mother was thinking and feeling as she makes her decision to place her child for adoption. Written honestly and with compassion, The Best For You can help children talk openly about their feelings about being adopted. Many people have embraced this book for what it has to say...

“This book offers a perspective that no other children's adoption book offers. The view of the birth mother.”
~ Adoption News




“Kelsey's courage to write this beautiful book impressed me. The message to her adopted children is clear and simple. She wants all of them to know that they are very loved, and she always thinks what's best for them. This book is a well-written legacy from a brave mother to her wonderful children. It also brings me tears and smiles.”
Tenny Kusuma ~ Simply A Mom

“This little book, targeted for the younger child who was adopted (ages 4-8) packs a big and positive message; one that answers the common questions: "Did she love me?" "Why did she give me away?" and "Does she think about me?" The Best for You is a joy to read and look at. The broad scope of the book is perfect for children who are fostered as well as children who were adopted through foster care, domestic adoption, or international adoption.”
 Judy Miller ~ Story Circle Book Reviews



To enter, please do the following (and remember to comment telling me which option you chose!):
 
* Follow this Blog for one entry (hit follow button at the top of the blog)
 
* Become a Fan of Kelsey's on Facebook for one entry http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kelsey-Stewart/120778465527
 
* Follow Kelsey on Twitter for one entry http://twitter.com/#!/bestforyoubook
 
*Follow Kelsey on Networked Blogs for one entry http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=the_birth_mother_voice
 

* Tell a friend about the Giveaway for an extra entry
 
* Simply comment below for one entry
 
You can enter once with these options, or do all of them for more chances at winning!
 
 

This Giveaway will be accepting entries until Friday, July 22 2011 at 11:59 pm. The winner of the book will be announced next weekend.

Keynote Speaker at FSA Colorado Regional Confrerence

Here it is ... the offical flier for the Families Supporting Adoption Regional Conference in Colorado this April!! I cannot tell you just how excited I am to be a part of this! I have only attended one other FSA Conference and when I left Arizona back in October, I felt so validated, understood, accepted and so appreciated by so many who were there. It was trip that not only lifted my spirits, but it also reminded me that small voices CAN make a difference ... at least to someone.

I received an email asking me to not only attend this FSA in Colorado, but to my surprise they honored me in asking that I be the Keynote Speaker for the event. WHAT?!?!?! Me? Oh, my heart jumped and a smile came across my face to know that soon I would be meeting many more people who embraced adoption the way I have. There is nothing better than to meet and talk with kindred souls who need no explaination of how or what I have felt in the past ... they know it all too. And to think of how many new and wonderful people I will make aquaintance with in April still has my heart jumping and keeps me smiling.

I will be joined at this conference by the loveley Jessalynn Bills, fabulous advocater of open adoption, and that is like a big cherry on top of the whole weekend! Met her in AZ and just loved her attitude, honesty, and amazing tenacity to show what can be done right in adoption. There are more speakers that will be there and I have included a link to the class schedule. This is a day filled with education from those who live it and it truly will help some people understand a little better ALL sides of the adoption triad. 

SO, if you happen to be in the Denver area and are interested, please visit here to see the classes, sign up and come on out for a day of learning more about this world of adoption. So many great speakers, classes, and information that it would be a shame to miss it! I hope to see some of you there and meet you in the real world. I am so grateful to Corrine and Kelly for asking me to be a part of this incredible conference. My hats off to both of you, and I thank you oh so very much. How blessed I am to be doing what I love to do! That being advocating for adoption in a positive way.

Teen Sex Crisis: Dr. Oz Show and Adoption

So this morning I was told by a dear friend that Dr. Oz was going to cover the Teen Sex Crisis and the show was going to contain the adoption angle in the form of a birth mother who speaks out about the positives of open adoption. I watched the segment in anticipation and learned a few things along the way. I have never really watched Dr. Oz because I am not religious about watching Oprah and, well, I had seen trailers for his straight forward show about anything pertaining to the body but never watched. I was intrigued by his interest in adoption when it came to teen sex, it was pleasantly surprising.


First, let me run off some statistics about teen sex. Based on a study Dr. Oz found he stated:

8 year old having sex.

1 in 14 Junior High aged kids are having sex.

1 in 3 High School aged kids having sex.

1 in 4 kids age 15-19 have a STD.

3 in 10 women will be pregnant before the age of 20 ... I am in this category.

And now the kickers...

8% of parents polled thought their kids were having sex.

41% of parents polled know what their kids are doing on the web.

50% of teens polled are having oral sex.

75% of teens polled learn about sex from their peers.

Pretty alarming if you ask me. Aaaand, teen sex is at all time high in the summer months. More teens loose their virginity in that season than any other. So, I think the real key here is that last statistic. Parents need to talk to their teens about pregnancy, STD's, emotional tolls, physical tolls ... all that comes from stepping into adulthood through physical attraction. The Good Dr. then moved into the adoption discussion with information about the highest watched television show on MTV last season with over 26 million viewers, 16 & Pregnant. He introduced Catelynn and Tyler from the show and then a montage of footage from when they realized they were pregnant, to choosing the parents, to delivery day, and finally the moment they had to say goodbye to their daughter. I admit, I cried. I always do when someone is telling a baby story. ANY baby story. ESPECIALLY an adoption story. Dr. Oz asked the usual questions...how were you feeling...what was the hardest part...how do you feel now kinds of questions. Then he asked "What do you think it has taught you?" I was happy to hear that question because although it is simple, it is powerful.

Too often, as I always say, the birth mother voice is not often heard on main stream television and if it is shown, it is never shown in a good light...okay, almost never. Catelynn smiled through her rubber bands and braces..."It has taught me so much about love. I know what I did was right and I want her to be proud of us. We are doing better in school, we are going to college, we are working on our relationship. We just want to be the best we can be so she can be proud of us." Well I was proud of her for telling it like it is. She did say how hard some days are for both of them, how sad it is to miss her. She stated that not one day goes by when she does not wake up and think about her daughter. She also said that it was never a regret. She and Tyler get pictures, letters and updates, they were even going to have a visit soon with their daughter and her family. That was when I paid attention because Dr. Oz said, "Oh. You are going to see her? You get to spend time with her?" They replied yes and he seemed genuinely unaware that there were such open relationships in adoption. It was great, and then he wish them luck after such a selfless act. There was no drama. There was no fan fair. It was a good lead for the media because for once I saw someone ask a positive mother, who is doing her best to be a good example, what HER thoughts were about the adoption, not the adoptive parents. (I am not knocking them at all, let's just face it usually these stories are told through their eyes for obvious reasons.) That opinion is so important and really needs to be shown in order to understand the complexities of adoption, to understand the heart that breaks. It is an important factor and not one to be ignored.

Perhaps I should watch his show more often, because anyone who is willing to open their eyes to something they are not aware of, well that's just cool in my book.