The Instant Birth Mother

There is something going on in the birth mother world, and I have to say the trend is rather alarming to me. Some would use the word entitlement, others call it privilege. I call it no way to heal.


I am seeing many young women complaining, screaming that they are being pushed out, they are not welcome in the adoptive families anymore. Reading in groups that they have not received pictures, no updates, no communication. They lash out as if the adoptive parents are out to shun them. To push them away. To make them feel small, or unimportant. They complain there are no texts, no emails. And more often than not, many are no where near the amplitude it will take to analyze, adjust and move through life as a mother of loss.


Sure, now some of you are pissed. How dare you Kelsey! How dare you try to analyze just how I feel? Well don't go busting your britches just yet, I do have a point to make. Look, I know just how difficult it is to not see or hear about my children as they grew. I know that it can be devastating, that trail of thoughts that creep in at all hours of the day that make you question just what is going on in their lives. I have been there. In the first year. The second year. The fifth year. The twentieth year. I know the evolution and it is just that, evolution. 

Time. 

When I say trend, I am referring to the instant gratification network that we call the Internet. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, articles, forums, groups, so on and so on. Call me a dinosaur but I remember when you were on the phone, at home, and someone wanted to get a hold of you they had to call until the phone rang. There was this annoying eh eh eh eh sound that would tell you they were talking to someone more important than you and you had to dial over and over in the hopes that they might answer soon. This information age we live, I believe, is hindering many mothers out there from healing and perhaps distancing themselves from the families which needs to be done. Especially in open adoption.


Communication is key in adoption, and I do think that if an agreement is made that it should be upheld. However, both parties have to first respect the other and work together to find a mutual ground in which to live. I think that some mothers out there are far too impatient. Far too demanding. And far too vocal about the relationships that they should be building ... not criticizing. It is an emotional time, and if you deny that you will only hurt yourself. It is far better to help yourself than hurt yourself in adoption, and often that is overlooked. Emotions will rip your heart from you chest and your mind will stomp it into the ground if you let it. There is a time to start healing, start rebuilding the life that needs to be yours. 

I had that time because adoption was not always in my face. Not in today's world. Constant communication is a great deal different from good communication. There is a limit to which a person can be pushed, and when that person is dealing with their own emotions plus their own life completely changed plus thinking constantly about what is best for a child, well it can cause a cataclysmic explosion between two worlds. This is when people get hurt more than they need to be hurt. This is when patience and distance need to happen. Both sides need to adjust. Both sides need to reanalyze and prioritize life. Both sides need to chill out a little, retreat and find what needs to be found. Be it composure. Be it peace. Be it time. Whatever it is, it needs to be found.  It may sound harsh, but in my mind it is essential.

For me the most important thing on my mind was to strengthen the relationship I had with the adoptive parents, not dismantle it. The more time I gave it, the better it got. I kept up with my accord, and they theirs which resulted in respect, compassion and ever growing grace. 

If only this new generation had the time and distance It just might make a huge difference in their journey.