An Election To Remember

Well hello to all of you out there in the blogging world! Yes! I am alive! Yes! I do still plan on giving my opinions on adoption! Yes! I have made a plan and resolution to come here at least twice a week (maybe more) to chat with you and catch up on all that is going on in this complex triad of adoption. But first, allow me to explain my absence.

Earlier in the summer of 2012, I made a decision to run for the local School Board. I have never liked politics, nor would I ever consider myself to be a politician. But wheter you run for City Council, President or School Board that is what you become: a Politician.

So after much consideration and conversations with my husband I pulled papers to run for not only the Elementary Board, but also throw my hat in the ring for the New Unified Board should one come to be. You see, on our local ballot this past November was a measure to Unify our Elementary schools with our local High School. The voters spoke and Unification was passed. AND, the morning after the election I was on that new Unified Board by one vote. ONE VOTE! So, the tedious process of counting all the provisional ballots and absentee ballots to determine if I was really the winner, or if my opponent would pull ahead and take the seat.

The counting began and all it did was push me further and further out of reach of my new endeavour. The first semi official recount had me 30 votes behind my opponent. The second semi official count had me 46 behind my opponent. The third count had me 19 votes behind, this was a pick up in votes but still had me trailing for the last seat. I had accepted that I may not win that seat, and chalked the past three months up to experience. You see, I had no committee behind me, I had no signs in people's yard and I had no real experience in governance of school unlike all the other candidate running with me. I went door to door, talked to people, talked during my book fairs and let my past service speak for itself. I was not disappointed at all. I received a LOT of votes just based on what people knew of my many volunteering hats I wore. I was thrilled that people actually voted for me to be honest, especially when you consider I did not thrown a ton of money at my campaign. I figured if people wanted to vote for me based on all the good intentions I had, then they would.

So, the end of November comes and with it a chance to attend the California School Board Association Conference in San Francisco because after all, I was still seated on the Elementary Board starting in December. So I packed my bags, feeling like a big girl going to a prom because for many years now I have just been a mom. Sweatpants. Tennis shoes. Hair in a ponytail. But this time I had pantyhose, high heeled shoes, pretty dresses and professional attire for a very grown up conference. I was loving the fact that I was out there ready to make a difference. Unbeknownst to me, the final count of votes was to be released while we were at the conference so finally one of us candidates would know who would be serving on the new Board.

It was Thursday, November 29th in rainy San Francisco when I walked to the convention center to attend the classes I had an interest in. The first half of the day went by without any fan fare. Met some great people, sat in some classes that I had no idea what the hell they were talking about because there are as many acronyms in Education as there are stars in the sky! I took notes feverishly and tried my very best to follow what they were saying. Lunch came. I met up with the other Board Members and we went to Mel's Diner which was a hoot! While there, I get a call from the District Office of Education telling me that the results would be released that day and if I should win the seat, the swearing in ceremony would be in less than a week. Exciting! After lunch, we all went back to general session to hear the Keynote Speaker. (To save time but to toot this guy's brilliance, you can see a touch of Shawn Achor here on Ted. AMAZING motivation for happiness!)

Eight is a magic number

The trade show floor was large, bright and full of free things. Take a pencil. Take a book. Need a planner? I have buttons! I was thrilled to be there, learning, networking, again ... being a big girl. I had made my rounds and decided to leave the show to take a break and peer down the street to catch a glimpse of AT&T Park, home of the Giants. As I left I ran into the man whom I was in the race with for the last seat. He's a good guy, kind and very respectful of people. We discussed when we would meet up to attend the dinner we were invited to that evening. No tension. Nothing that would say these two people are neck and neck in a tight race for the last seat on a Historical Election. (Unification had been in the works for years, and the last time a district did unify in the county was three decades ago.) We parted ways, he and his entourage to the far door for a taxi, me to the nearest door for fresh air and brick house for baseball delight. I heard my name. I looked around but there was no one I recognized. I kept walking. This time it was louder and more deliberate..."KELSEY! KELSEY!" I turned to see way back on the trade show floor the Superintendent of our district running with his phone in the air. I stopped, baffled, worried that something terrible had happened. But the closer he got, I could see a smile and not worry on his face. He ran up to me, still with his phone front and center.

"You won the seat!" I did not reply, I was a bit stunned. What? But I was down this whole recount.

"You won the seat, and not by a lot."

"Well, are you sure?" because I remember that feeling on November 7th, seeing one vote and knowing exactly how Gore & Bush must have felt back in 2000. Then the weeks of recounts, seeing the margin change and not for the better.

"Yes, I am sure. It was just posted. Here, let me see..." he said scrolling and pushing his screen. "Ummm, oh my gosh! 8 votes."

"Your kidding me. 8 votes?" I was warm and tingly yet frozen at the same time. Half my face smiled while my eyebrows raised to ask the question for me.

"Nope. 8 votes. You are a Unified Board Member!" he said with much enthusiasm and a smile. I could think of nothing more to do than hug him. I grabbed and squeezed, unable to grasp the news. Shock like I had never felt it before.

I told him thank you for finding me, thank you for being the one to tell me and thank you for his support. As you can see, there is pure joy on this face ... as well as a bit of pride.

I immediately went outside but instead of seeing the stadium, I called my husband. When I told him, I could hear the smile on his face as he shouted ... "HEY BOYS! Mom won the election!" Hoots and hollers from the other end of the phone as they all told me how awesome I was. That was my favorite part of the day .... that phone call.

My opponent was so very gracious. The moment he saw me later that evening he walked right up to me, shook my hand and congratulated me on winning the seat. It was a difficult moment for me, I was appreciative of his kindness but felt so bad that I won. It was a little odd, guess it is because of my nature. But we got past it and I was on my way to a reality that I only thought could happen. I volunteer A LOT. Little League. School. Scouts. Book Fairs. And by God I was proud that my reputation as a can do take charge mom followed me to the polls and helped give me the potential to do good for so many more children. And of course, just about every one I know tells me that they are one of the 8 who helped me get elected. It's amazing so see such support of a person who believes she can make a difference.

December 5, 2012

Photo by Rob Varela, Ventura County Star

New Santa Paula Unified School District board of trustees member Kelsey Stewart(right) chats with a supporter at the conclusion of the board's first meeting after they were sworn in Wednesday at the Santa Paula Community Center. Stewart had just learned she won her place on the board by 8 votes.

So that is where I have been, that is what I have been doing, and ever since the election I have been back to school in a sense devouring any and all literature I can find on Education Codes, Laws, Policies and so on. It's a big job, and I am LOVING it so far! But I have come to a point where the balance has allowed me to catch up so to speak and I have found time to be here, with you. I know most adoption blogs don't share this kind of personal information, but this story is something that I just had to share. I have always been a believer that you control your destiny, and that life is what you make of it. Twenty years ago I was struggling to get through day by day, scarred and sure that I would be broken forever. But today, I can say that I have learned to live again, scars and all, and it is those scars and turmoils that have helped me be the strong, caring, healthy woman that I am today. Here's to a great 2013 for us all!

Oh, and if anyone ever says their vote does not count I beg to differ! Every. Vote. Counts!

Ventura County Star ~ Landmark Night For Schools

Sundays With Sande

PS ... Cancer, The Word That Started The Downfall

~ Chapter 14 In Her Life

I did my best to try and relax the next day as me and Bodde continued to bond. I fed him, bathed him, put him down for naps and then attempted to clean the little apartment as best I could. My mind would wander from how happy I was to be a mom to how much pain my mother was in lying in that hospital. I tried to call her room several times, but when my cousins would answer she would tell them that she was too tired to talk to me. I knew she was avoiding me. I was hurt but completely understood that she was not in the mood to talk. I was sure she was scared out of her mind, lying there wondering what was going on inside her body.

It was a leap year and the date was 2-29-2000. I had long waited for this day because I was sure that Bodde was going to be born on it. Just like the feelings I was having for months before he was born, I was convinced that the date was sticking in my mind because he would be born. Well, he wasn't born on that day, he was born two weeks earlier and now I was not sure why the date was sticking with me so much. It was around 3 pm when the phone rang and I just about broke my neck getting to it because for one, Bodde was sleeping and two, I was sure it was my mother finally calling me. I grabbed it and ran out onto the patio so I could talk louder than a whisper, which is how I had become accustomed to answering the phone as to not disturb Bodde's sleep. My happiness to hear my mom's voice was evident in how I answered.

"Kelsey, it's Renee." I held my breath. Why was it her and not my mother.

"Hello, what is going on?" I asked, not at all concerned with the usual small talk that happens with the beginning of every other phone conversation in the world. She knew I was worried so she did not beat around the bush.

"Well, honey," ... never a good thing to hear when you want good news. "Your mom is going to be in the hospital for a few more days."

"What? Why? What is the doctor saying?" I was pacing the tiles on my patio, making a pattern with my steps on the funky squares ... step on this one, then skip three and step on that one.

"Well, she was very bloated. I mean, unusually bloated. Her stomach was so disdained that she was having trouble breathing this morning so the doctor ordered them to drain the fluid out of her abdomen." Fluid in her abdomen? What? Was this the sprain that she was talking about not only three weeks ago? I was now very confused. "So ... they went in and did what the doctor ordered and it turns out that they drained 6 liters of fluid." WOW, that sounds like a lot. Does she mean like liters of soda?

"You mean like 6 liters of soda? They drained that much fluid out of her belly?" Things were beginning to go hay wire in my head. Why so much fluid? Where could it be coming from? This is not at all normal. This is a very bad sign. I really wanted to turn the voice off in my head so I could really comprehend what my cousin was telling me, but no matter how I tried the words kept repeating themselves in my head. Drained. Fluid. Disdained. Doctor.

"Yeah, that is what I mean. They do not have the results back yet, so until those come through from the lab we cannot really proceed with anything else right now. She is resting and boy does she need it. She is exhausted. You know her, she has asked every single person she sees what is going on and what they are doing." This told me that indeed my mother was scared out of her mind. My mother was a very patient person and she had the ability to make any situation fun, or at least bearable.

"What do you think is going on Renee? Do I need to come out there? What is your impression as to what is going on?" I asked knowing that she had not too long ago watched as her mother, my aunt, became ill and eventually passed away from colon cancer. A very long, long battle with colon cancer that taxed everyone that was around her. I knew that she would be honest with me and not try to sugar coat anything because it drove HER nuts when doctors and nurses would not tell Renee what was happening to her mother in the hospital.

"I don't think you need to come just yet..." she said. This told me that I was going to have to go home sometime soon, that this was reaching the serious stage I was dreading. "Let's see what the doctors say when the test results come back. We should know something by 4 or 5." There was a pause. I could not talk out of fear of breaking down and crying like a baby. "How is Bodde doing? I bet he is just as cute as you were." I talked to her for a few more minutes about how the baby was and how I was feeling pretty good, but tired. God bless her heart. She was trying so hard to be strong for me, knowing that I was sick with worry but needed to take care of myself and the baby first and foremost.

"Thanks for calling me, and please let me know as soon as you hear something." I was close to loosing it. "And hey, I really appreciate you and Susie taking the time to be with her. I know it should be me that is there and I am not."

"Don't even mention it. Do you know how much your mom did for me when MY mom was sick? You don't even worry about it, I will not leave her until we know what is going on and she is at home, where she belongs."

"Thanks Renee, I sure do love you." That was all I could say. The tears were falling and I was unable to control my voice any longer. She told me goodbye and I hung up the phone. My world was turning upside down and there was nothing I could do about it. I went into my bedroom, picked up Bodde from his crib and laid him on the bed. I put two pillows next to him and then I laid down beside him. With my head on my pillow I just looked at his sweet little cheeks sleeping so peacefully. The tears would not stop and my face and head hurt from trying not to cry, you know that kind of hurt. That slow, dull ache that stays when you try your hardest NOT to cry, but your emotions get the better of you and make it impossible to do anything else? I had not cried like that since I had my other children. I had not felt that helpless since the adoptions. I am not sure when I fell asleep, but I did and for just a moment, I felt peaceful just watching Bodde sleep his little baby sleep.

The phone rang. I woke up immediately knowing it was Renee again. Bo was still in slumber land so I stepped outside my bedroom with the receiver.

"Hello? Renee?"

"Hello honey, did you get some rest?"

"Yes, just a little. I was just lying next to Bodde. What is going on?" I can't believe I asked that so quickly.

"Well, they got the results back from the fluids and the cancer cells are abundant, they want to..." I cut her off.

"Cancer cells? Did you say cancer cells?" In my head I was screaming OH MY GOD!! NO! NO! NO!The line was silent. It seemed like an eternity before I could even hear Renee breath on the line. My body was shaking. I stared at the ceiling, as if looking up would keep the water in my eyes from falling out of my lids.

"Yes, I said cancer. The doctor said that there is cause for alarm because her cell count is so high. He does not know where the cancer is, or how far advanced it is, but he is concerned about the amount of fluid that they drained from her and why it has been storing up in her abdomen. I asked him if you should come home, and he said not yet. He knows that you just had a baby and he said that there is no reason to be alarmed just yet. He would like to do an MRI, maybe some blood tests to get a better look as to what or where the cancer is."

She said cancer three times. A word that I had not heard for at least 5 years had just been injected in my ear three times in one sentence. I was devastated. I knew, deep down I knew that there was nothing they could do for her. I am not a doctor, but I know a little about medical terms from working in a doctor's office some years ago. Once that word is mentioned, there is no going back. My mind began to scream again ... OH MY GOD!! NO! NO! NO!

"I'm sorry. I really had a hard time calling you because this is the worst news to hear when you have a beautiful baby to love and take care of. And you have waited so long, you both have waited so long to have this baby to call your own. I cannot tell you how sorry I am Kelsey," she said in a soft, low voice. She was right. The timing could not be worse, and the situation could not be worse. I was 2,000 miles away from the most important person in my life at a time when she needed me the most, yet I was just 10 feet away from the newest most important person in my life and everything he needed depended on me. What an awful predicament to be in. Such joy, such sorrow. So much to be happy about and thankful for, yet so much to worry about and be devistated to my core. I don't even remember the rest of the conversation after her apology. All I could think about was how this beautiful baby that both my mother and I had longed for would never have the chance to know just how amazing his grandmother was. To say that my heart was broken is not even close to how it felt.

That is enough for today because just writing that last paragraph has left me, well, not looking pretty to say the least. Next week I will tell you a little more, revealing how one can begin a journey that will only lead to the longest goodbye.

Sundays With Sande

PS .... Pretty Sande ~ The Beginning of The End: Chapter 13 in her life

Monday, February 28th 2000. I was lying on the couch with Bodde in the bassinet next to me. He was sleeping and I was trying to do the same myself. The phone rang and I was sure it was my mother wanting to hear how her grand baby was doing that day. I was surprised to hear my Aunt Susie's voice when I answered. I had lived in California for five years and she had never called our house. My stomach churned as my mind told me to be curious as to why she was calling now. Then again, I had just had a baby so perhaps she was calling to find out how we were doing. I was right to think that because she did start asking questions about Bodde and the delivery.

However, that relief was short lived. "So sweetie, I am calling because your mom is in the hospital." I thought I would throw up. My mother had never been in the hospital while I was alive. She had had a couple of outpatient surgeries here and there, but never actually stayed over night in the hospital. My worst fears were coming to light, I now knew that this was much more serious than anyone had previously lead me to believe.

"What? Why is she in the hospital? When did she go into the hospital?" I asked full of anxiety and now pacing the floor of my apartment.

"She went to see the gastronologist this morning and he admitted her because her stomach is disdained and she was in quite a bit of pain. She is at St. Joseph's and your cousins Renee and Susie are with her. I am sure this is a precautionary measure to make sure that she is alright", she said trying to reassure me that it would all work out.

"I know she has not been feeling well and now this is something that makes me worry. Have you seen her?" I asked.

"No, Susie and Renee just wanted me to call you to let you know. They are going to stay with her until the doctor decides what he wants to do. I am sure that your mom will be fine, she is so strong Kelsey. She is the strongest woman I know. Let's just pray that they find out what it is that is giving her pain. Besides, that is one of the best hospitals in the city." There was a long pause. I could not utter a word. I was now standing on my balcony looking at the mountain across from my apartment following a teeny tiny car driving up the windy road in the distance. My mouth would not move and neither would my body.

"Are you alright?" she asked, and I am sure she knew the answer.

"Uh, no. I know she has not been feeling well and this tells me that something is seriously wrong with her." My voice was weak.

"Oh sweetie, now I have made you worried. I am so sorry to do that. I am sure that this is the beginning of something good, at least she is getting the medical attention that she needs. Please do not worry yourself about this, they will help her. Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked in all sincerity.

"No. Not much to do but wait. I do appreciate you calling and letting me know. Please let Susie and Renee know that I also appreciate them being with her. I am sure you are right, this is probably the best. They will find out what is going on and hopefully she will feel better soon." What a liar I am.

"Well, you just let me know if you need something, Mike and I are happy to help. I know it is hard with you being so far away, but she really is in good hands."

"Thanks Aunt Susie. Just tell them to call me once they know anything, alright?"

"Absolutely. I want you to go get some rest. You know, every time the baby sleeps you should sleep too. It is the best advice I can give you right now, you need to take care of that baby ... and yourself. Let me know if you need us..."

"I will. Thank you for calling..."

"Your welcome. Give Bodde a kiss for us!"

"I will." I hung up the phone as the tears began to fall. Dread. That was what I felt. I knew that she was in the hospital because of a serious illness. I felt in my heart that it was something, something that I did not want to admit. I dare not say it out loud, I would not let the word form on my lips ... but it was plastered all over my brain. I tried not to hear it. I tried to get my mind onto something else, but it kept showing up with a capitol "C". The rest of the day was quiet, just me an Bodde spending time together. I tried not to cry when he was awake. Not that he would know what I was upset about, but I knew that babies could sense when something was wrong with their mothers. I never even got dressed, just stayed in my pajamas.

Bruce came home about 4:30, bounding in the door wanting to see his wife and baby boy. His smile soon turned to concern when he saw my face. He knew that something was wrong.

"What is wrong?" he asked, stopping in his tracks trying to read my face. I wanted to lie to him, tell him nothing was wrong that I was just exhausted. But I knew I could not lie to him.

"My mom is in the hospital..." was all I could get out before I started to cry. This sent him into shock.

"What? Why?" he said as he came to sit next to me.

"My Aunt Susie called this morning to tell me that they admitted my mom to St. Joseph's. You know she has not been feeling well and ... well .... this new doctor said they wanted to run some tests so they put her in the hospital." I said. Then out of no where I admitted my worst fear. "I think she is dying, honey."

"Kelsey! Don't say that! She is not dying, you are just being paranoid. If she is in the hospital then I am sure she will get the care that she needs. Stop thinking like that."

"Bruce, as long as I have been alive my mother has NEVER been in the hospital. I have a feeling that something is very wrong, that she is far more sick than anyone might think." I could not believe I was saying this. In some way it felt good to get those thoughts off my chest. But at the same time, I felt that I was admitting the inevitable. I knew in my heart that she was dying, and this hospital stay was going to be the last straw.

He sat and held me as I cried, trying to comfort me and convince me that it would all be alright. I think he was much more worried than me. I was already accepting that she may be leaving, but he did not want to admit that I might be right.

Next week, we delve deeper into the end, and as my fears come to light I face the biggest challenge of my young life: facing death.

Well, this is it. The last post that I wrote about my mother. I reread it. I know that there is so much more to tell and that will be told in the months to come. I will write a new installment every Sunday starting next week. It will be March and it will be one year since I started my remembrance of her, my mom. There will be many more realizations, many more emotions to go through and many more tears because it is so much more than a story of loosing a parent. It is a story of healing and using what my heart already broke for that will help me through the toughest challenge yet: life without her.



PS ... It's Too Soon, I Thought There Would Be More Time ~ Chapter 12 in her life

SuperBowl Sande

This is the second to last post of my mother's story before we start the new installments in March. Even sitting here writing about the fact that March is next week fills me with anxiety and sadness. We are headed into the last month of her life, a life that meant so much to so many.


PS ... The One Sentence I Wish I Could Take Back ~ Chapter 11 in her life

On a lighter note, please check in tomorrow for my Oscar picks and a pic of what I have come up with to wear to the Oscar Bunco party tonight. Trust me, it is sooooooo worth seeing! HA!

It's a Tuesday with Sande....

I know, not as catchy as Sundays with Sande, but I am realizing that March is next week and I have to get you all caught up on the story. So this week there will be quite a few past posts that are all about her story, that amazing woman who raised me, supported me and was a Hero to me all my life. This was one fantastic woman who always reminded me that I was her proudest moment in life. That's funny, because no one was prouder than I to call her Mom!

PS ... Bruce Scores Brownie Points with Pretty Sande! ~ Chapter 10 in her life

PS ... It's too soon. I thought there would be more time. ...chapter 12 in her life

February 11th, 2000. My mother called me and she sounded funny. She mentioned that she was moving furniture and pulled a muscle in her stomach. She told me that she was finished for the day and that she would go to the doctor on Monday. She was asking all kinds of questions about how I was feeling, was I sleeping well, was I eating enough fiber, always the mother she was making sure that I was taking care of myself.

"I cannot tell you how thrilled I am about this baby. After all that you have been through, all your struggles, all your heartaches. Now you are married and welcoming your own child. A child that you will be able to raise with your husband. Your family is finally here and I want you to enjoy every single second of it. I am proud of both you and Bruce for the wonderful people you have become, and Bodde will be spoiled rotten once I get out there so you will have that to deal with." She had been working for the government for over 30 years so she was going to take early retirement once Bodde was born, pack up her things and move to California. The plan was that we were all going to buy a house then build her a cottage house in the back...her own self professed Granny House. She was getting uber excited about life with baby and left us endless messages about equal opportunity football rearing, how we had to get rid of the leopard diseased lizard we had so the baby would not contract salmonella in the bathtub, and little hints at how she would teach Bodde all the little ways to make his parents nuts. She herself had waited for so long to be the grandma that she knew she could be. Her joyous spirit was infectious and all who were around her on a daily basis were loving her bounding energy, lively smile and countdown to baby comfort food that she endlessly paraded around on cute plates. She was the kind of person you loved having at the office, always able to take the edge off while doing a fantastic job with own responsibilities. But the closer it came, the more she relished in what the months and years ahead held for her.

She saw the doctor and told me that she was going to get a second opinion. She expressed concern that her doctor was not taking her pain serious enough and she wanted to see someone else to ease her mind. I called her on a daily basis for three days, several times a day, to see how she was feeling. She had also been battling a congestion since January and she once referenced how it surprised her that she could not kick the cough that she had. Thought nothing of it. She told me that she was planning a baby shower for me in St. Louis for my family and friends, and she would take pictures and call so that everyone could wish me well. She had planned it for the last weekend of the month and sounded optimistic regardless of her irritation with the pulled muscle that she had.

Feb 15, 2000. I woke up at 5:00 and my back was aching. I had to go to the bathroom, so I rolled out of bed...belly and all...and shuffled off. Finishing, the toilet paper had just a hint of pink. Maybe labor? I went back to bed and laid there. I had just had a doctor's appointment and he told me that we could go any day even thought the due date was March 16th. He believed that we were off on our original estimation but everything showed a fully developed baby, so the reason I was thinking it possible. I felt a dull ache in my back that seemed to get stronger so I looked at the clock. 5:20 am. My first thought was I am in labor. My second thought was how hungry I was. I got up and took a shower. I did not want to wake Bruce up because I knew that there was nothing open yet, food wise, so I wanted to bide time to get me some sausage egg mcmuffins. No kidding. If there is anything that I learned with the first two births is that you need to go in on a FULL stomach because you will burn an unbelievable amount of energy pushing life from your body. The shower was great, and I continued back to bed to lie down. I was facing away from the clock and when the aching in my back started again, I woke Bruce and asked him what time it was.

He said "Why?" I told him I just wanted to know the time.

"5:45. Why?" I told him that I was in labor, not to panic, we had time to get ready. He flipped over in bed wide awake.
"Your in labor? Are you sure? Do we need to leave right now? Are you okay?" he was starting to freak out. I convinced him that I was fine, he had time to take a shower, the contractions were only 15-20 minutes apart so we would be fine. He leaped out of bed and into the shower. I lay there for a few more minutes.I picked up the phone and dialed my mother.

"Hello?"

"Hey, do you think today would be a good day to become a grandmother?" I asked with a huge smile on my face.

"What? Kelsey are you serious?" She was half excited and half worried.

"I am pretty sure that Bodde is coming today. The contractions are 15-20 minutes apart and they are too strong to be a false alarm."

"Did you see bloody show?" she asked.

"Yes. Just a little..."

"That's all you need. But it is almost a month away from your due date. You're not due until March 16th, do you think something is wrong?" She was sounding less excited and more worried now, I could tell that she was thinking of something else.

"I saw the doctor last Thursday and he said that from all accounts the baby was fully developed, it could be any day now and he would not be worried. I am sure this is it. Bruce is in the shower and once he is done we will load the car and head to the hospital. Everything is good, mom. I just wanted to call you."

"It's too soon. I thought there would be more time." She was very somber in her tone.

"Mom, don't worry about the shower or coming out here. Whenever you can make it will be fine. Hey, you can still have the shower in a couple of weeks then come out to see us after that. Let's just get this baby here, healthy and happy, then we can talk specifics. I am going to get dressed, I will call you from the hospital to let you know the phone number and room number. I love you!"


" I love you too. Ready?"

"Yep"

In unison..."1....2....3....I love you. I miss you. Goodbye!"

What is up with that, Kelsey???? Well, when I moved to Cali my mother and I could never get off the phone because neither of us could hang up on the other. One day we came up with that little chant and we were able to get off the phone after that. It just stuck. So Bruce is now running around collecting things for the hospital. We have a boom box for relaxing music during labor, a bag with clothes, a bag with bathroom things, a blanket, a pillow and a small bear that his grandmother bought for the baby. Oh yeah, I think we had enough but I was not going to say anything to detour him from enjoying this nesting moment. It was adorable to watch my husband do this, his attention to detail, his making last minute adjustments such as magazines and after delivery snacks. Oh, to think of it now just makes me love him more. He was so ready to be a daddy, ready to see his son be born. The truck packed, cat fed, light left on...we left for the hospital around 6:15 am. I told him he needed to stop by McDonald's so I could get something to eat. He said no. I said in my most polite Exorcist voice to "Go to McDonald's now...I'm starving!" He had never heard me talk like that so he did as he was told, mostly out of confusion and a hint of fear. Drive thru order of a sausage egg mcmuffin, cup of coffee and a coke. I had everything but the coffee. That was for Bruce, and it helped his demeanor and choice of words for his in labor wife. I think he was a little grossed out at how I wolfed down that sausage patty.

Bodde was stubborn. We were waiting for a while. Contractions, but no movement. Nothing past 3 cm. I said that I did not want an epidural, but would gladly accept some Staydol to take the edge off the sharp contractions. They agreed and once that sweet nectar was released in my veins I was a much more pleasant person, down right happy and carefree. Bruce and I chatted, my mother called 6 times...literally. And soon it began to rain harder than we had seen it rain in over a year. The nurse told us that it was good luck to have a baby in the rain, it was supposed to bring compassion in a child. (BTW, I am a believer because my Bodde is the most compassionate kid you have ever met!) The time was getting closer and I was starting to drift off, an effect of the drug, so Bruce told me he was going to get a cup of coffee. Actually he asked if it was alright, if I was alright alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah I said off to la-la-land. I woke from that nap to the smell of three things mixed together. I rolled over to see his face right next to mine. He was smiling and relaxed. I looked into his eyes and said...

"You had a cup of coffee, a tuna sandwich and a cigarette, didn't you?" His cute little puppy dog eyes turned into frightened little boy caught in the cookie jar eyes.

"Uhhhhh..." as he said that, his breath proved all those things to be true.

"Dammit Jim!" I was referencing Star Trek when Doc would get all mad at Captain Kirk . He apologized and reminded me that he did not inhale a mcmuffin that morning. We both laughed.

Time finally comes for him to be born. Things were going well, except I changed my mind about the epidural but was too late catching the anesthesiologist so it was all natural for me. My mother kept calling, so Bruce just picked up the phone, hung it back on the receiver, then laid it off the hook on the table. "I am having no part of that! You can explain to her why she could not call." Bruce laughed and said he would take responsibility, he had witnesses to prove it. I will spare you the details, and tell you that Bodde was born at 1:43 pm on February 15th and was a healthy 6lbs 15 oz at a length of 19 inches. It was a good delivery and I told Bruce he had to put the phone back in the cradle so we could call her and let her know. The phone did not even ring after I dialed and I heard...

"Well you better have a weight and length for me if you are going to torture me like that!" I gave her the information and she balled like a baby. We both cried. She asked what he looked like (a baby boy), who he looked like(Good mix of both of us, but heavy on the Kelsey genes) , how was Bruce (Great! Off with the baby to clean and clothe), how was I (sore, exhausted and never happier in my life), when would they be able to get me something to eat (good question!) and the last thing she said was ... "My baby finally has a baby of her own to love. Oh Kelsey, I am so happy for you."

After I came home from the hospital she would call and tell me in a whisper..."I know you are resting, just lay the phone next to him and let me hear him breath." I would, and had no idea how long she listened because I fell asleep myself. She would call and leave messages for Bodde telling him that she was going to be there soon to love on him and spoil him. She even told him that she was going to bring along NFL films to show him how real football teams win Super Bowl's. She called all the time for the next week and a half. Then the calls slowed. On Sunday the shower, she called.

"Hello sweetheart. I am cancelling the shower because I really don't feel very good at all."

"Mom, are you okay? What is it? What hurts?" I could hear people in the background, I knew that my cousins were there helping her.

"I just cannot shake this cold and my left side is really bothering me."

"Still? Is that from the pulled muscle that you had?"

"Yeah, I think so, I'm not sure but I know that I just cannot have this shower and I won't be coming out next week, either." She had planned to fly out for a few weeks to help me and of course, spoil Bodde rotten. Bruce and I were so looking forward to her coming out. We kept talking about how we would probably never get to hold him once she was there.

"Mom, what is going on? Have you been to your doctor? What about the other doctor?" She had been referred to another doctor who she said she saw at the end of the week, but she was not feeling as bad then. I could tell that she was having trouble breathing. She told me that indeed my cousins were there helping her put things away.I was in a daze because all of this was news that I was not prepared for. She had been waiting a lifetime to have a shower for her grandchild. She had been waiting a lifetime to see her daughter as a mom taking care of, feeding, comforting and soothing her child. She had been waiting to retire and live life in California with us, and with her brother's children. Everyone was so thrilled for her, she was finally going to be living out her life the way she wanted to. Her daughter was married, her grandchild was here, her retirement was in the approval process, she was on her way to just living life as a grandmother. Wait, reliving her life vicariously through her grandchild, that would be a better description to what I think she was looking forward to.

"I will go see him tomorrow. I am so sorry honey..." she was crying. "... I wanted so badly to be there and to have this shower. I am sorry that I couldn't do that for you. I have to go, I need to rest, okay?" her voice was soft, her voice was venerable. There was something she was not telling me, and I knew it.

"Mom, I just want you to feel better. Do not apologize. Bodde came a whole month before his due date, this took us all by surprise. I just want you to take care of yourself. I will call you tonight but in the mean time you go rest. I love you."


"I love you too." she hung up. No chant. Just a click. That hadn't happened in about three years. Remember that feeling I had that I could not shake? That bad feeling that was rearing it's nasty head, bugging me, filling my heart with some kind of darkness during the pregnancy. I thought I was free and clear of it once Bodde was born. I was afraid that spooky feeling was related to my fears that he would not be a healthy child.

I now knew that it was my beloved Pretty Momma that was in trouble. She was very close to the end of her life and the following week would prove just that. This is where my heart began to ache amiss the joy of my new family.

PS ... The One Sentence I Wish I Could Take Back ...chapter 11 in her life

"I got a bad feeling about this." ~ Han Solo, all three original Star Wars movies.

Ever get that weird feeling that something just isn't right? You don't know what it is, you can't pinpoint it, but you know that there is something that is off in some way.

Bruce and I getting married was such a wonderful time, being home with family for a few days after the big weekend was a great unwind to months of stress and planning. Now we were finally husband and wife, with baby on the way, and we felt elated, refreshed and relieved. When it came time to go back to California, my mother was the one who wanted to drive us back to the airport. We had been spending most of our free time with our mothers those last couple of days and she was all smiles telling us her favorite parts of the big day. She looked truly happy to me, very at peace with where she was in life. She parked right in front of the airport, as you can at Lambert International, and Bruce insisted on getting all of the luggage out of the car. She and I were starting to say our goodbyes, thanking each other for such a meaningful time. Bruce paid the curb check and came back to say his goodbyes to my mother. He gave her a big squeeze, kissed her and told her that he was going to take care of me the best he could. She told him she knew he would and turned to me. I hugged her tight, I did not want to let go. She was whispering in my ear how proud she was, how much she admired my heart and how much she loved me. She said that she knew that my marriage would work because Bruce and I truly loved each other. She said that this gave her great joy, knowing that I was honestly loved by the one I admired most. She told me all kinds of things. She put me on top of the world and then gave me one last giant squeeze and let me go. She was crying a little, but had a huge smile on her face. I told her I would call her when we got home safe, but to go and get some sleep in the mean time, she looked exhausted.

I turned and walked to the terminal with Bruce. I stopped and looked back to see if she had gone, and she was still there. She was crying so hard that her body was shaking and she was just standing by the car. I had never seen her like that, I started to go back but Bruce said we had to catch the plane. I thought about her the entire flight, she looked so upset. When we got home I called right away. I mentioned that I saw her crying and asked if everything was alright. She told me that for some reason ... "it felt like that was the last time that I was going to see you." I told her she was talking crazy and all I did was get married, not leaving the continent. We laughed. I did think it was an odd statement for her to utter.

The months we spent pregnant were wonderful. Bruce was not with me for the previous births and he was enjoying the growing belly as much as I was. He got into it just like a new father should have. He catered to me, bought little things for his son and glowed at times, just like a maternity glow for a mother. He was very excited about the life we were starting together, telling me often how much he looked forward to being a father. It made me feel so good to have him, maybe too good. I began to get the feeling that things were going just TOO good for me. I could not have all of this without something happening to pop the balloon that I was in. I started to worry that because Bruce was so lighthearted and hopeful that perhaps there was something that was going to happen to him. Then when I really started to think about it I would worry that there was something that was going to happen to the baby. Maybe I had pushed my luck with the first two pregnancies and this one was not going to end well. I know that sounds so pessimistic of me to say, but I really thought that things were just coming together so well that it was bound to all come to a crashing halt.

I talked to my mother probably two times a day when I was pregnant with Bodde. I told her all the time that I thought something was a mist, something was just not sitting well with me. She asked all kinds of questions: Are you feeling okay? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you think Bruce is doing something he shouldn't be? She meant well, but I told her it was beyond any of that, especially the Bruce one. I told her that he was so happy and carefree that he was the only reason I wasn't a crying mess. She told me that I was a 'nervous Nelly' and that it was just hormones that were kicking in the closer I got to the third trimester. It was around Christmas, so she was sure that had something to do with it also. Just emotional from the pregnancy, getting bigger, getting more difficult to get comfortable, she told me that I needed to get a massage and relax, things were going to be fine. She told me to keep in mind that God loved me and was not going to let anything happen to this baby. She had been praying for a healthy baby and that was what He was going to give me.


We moved closer to the due date and I got much larger. Bruce thought it was cute, I thought it was getting a little over done, and my mother was enlisting my boss to take pictures of me at work and email them to her so she could see her grandson grow. It was hilarious, she was so excited about that baby that she was leaving all kinds of messages for him, telling him that he had the coolest Grandma ever and she would soon be there to spoil him to pieces. She left messages for Bruce with my favorite recipes and movies to rent, even if it was a chick flick he would have to watch them because I was the Queen with the baby in my belly so he had to do what she told him. It actually worked because he did end up watching some of my favorite movies, and yes, he did like a couple of them! ( By the way, I never spoke of this...) She was sending me chicken n dumplings in the mail because I could not find Sweet Sue in the stores, and had not nearly enough patience to cook them all day long. She was planning to take early retirement from the VA a couple of months after Bodde was born so she could come to California and live with us. She was going to help us buy a house with her pension and retirement, as long as Bruce would build her an Grandma Bungalow in the back of the property. That is what she called it, her GB back in the yard. She said that she wanted a place to get away, but wake up to the laughter of her grandchildren in the morning. She was getting more and more California crazy with each passing day. And I, of course was thrilled that we would be together with this baby, after so many years of watching from afar we were finally going to be able to see my children grow. I was going to be a mommy, and she was going to be a Grammy. We were busy planning life, but I still had a sense that there was something there, something just waiting to come along. The closer we got to delivery day, the more it festered in my head.


The end of January was my mother's favorite time of the year. Know why? Super Bowl Sunday! If there was ever a woman who loved football, it was my mother. She knew every rule, every player, every play...she just loved her football. She was a lover of Terry Bradshaw and the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was a Dallas Cowboys freak. To say that Super Bowl Sunday in our house was quiet and lovely would be like say that Jerry Springer and Barbara Walters have a lot in common. Oil and water, baby, oil and water. So later in life, when I fell in love with another Dallas Fan my mother took no mercy on us when the Boys were doing bad. She would call during a game when they had just messed up in some way and taunt us on the phone, or in most cases...a message on the answering machine. "Hey! Why aren't you answering the phone? Are you crying? Are you wishing that Troy Aikman wasn't so old and he could magically reappear and save this sorry team?' or "So, do you think it says in the playbook to blow the game in the last 30 seconds, keeping them out of the playoffs again yet again?..." (hysterical laughter following) or "When you think Jerry Jones will buy a whole new team? He sure needs one!" She was relentless. She was hysterical. She made Bruce laugh really hard, and he loved to laugh. She called at least three times on Sundays, just to discuss games and certain plays. Football Freak!

So in 2000 when the St. Louis Rams went to the Super Bowl, I was sure that she would be calling all throughout our Super Bowl party. The Rams scored. No call. The Rams score again. No call. We were hosing a lot of people in our tiny apartment that year so I really kinda didn't pay attention. I did think it strange, but maybe she was watching it somewhere else. All I knew was I had chicken wings to sauce and potato skins to dress. Being pregnant during the holidays and Super Bowl Sunday was the best! Finally, the Rams win the Super Bowl and I thought for sure she would be calling. We watched the ceremonies, saw Kurt Warner, got a phone call from friends at a party in St. Louis, but no call from my football loving mother.


I finally picked up the phone and dialed her number, feeling full of pride for my hometown and ready to give her some trouble for not calling me on this of all days. It rang. It rang again. Several more times it rang until finally she picked up.


"Hello?"


"Well, I guess you can die a happy woman now, huh?"


There was silence.


"What?" she asked in voice of disbelief. Almost as if she were shocked. "Why would you say that?"


"MOM! Your Rams won the Super Bowl! Why didn't you call? I thought for sure you would have called during that amazing game...what's going on?!" I was still carefree in my tone. I was sure that she would be happy that they won, that she finally was in a town with a Super Bowl WIN! She, however, was not.


"I'm not feeling too good. I don't want to talk right now. I will call you later. Love you." She hung up. I stood there motionless. It was the shortest conversation I ever had with my mother. I had a bad feeling, a real bad feeling after that phone call. Bruce told me to say something to her, but the look on my face told him that something was wrong. I told him about the exchange of words that I had with her and he assured me that she was just not feeling well. He said that I should have a good time, stop worrying, eat some food and relax. I was able to do that, and soon I was lost in conversation with good friends. I called much later in the evening, but she did not answer. I figured she was just tired and sleeping. I told myself that I was just being paranoid and I should just go to bed myself, it had been a very long day.


I know now the repercussions of that sentence. What I said to her was nothing short of a kick in the gut to her. You see, what I did not know, what no one knew, was that the cancer was spreading throughout her body at that point. It had been growing tentacles and worming itself through organs like they were fertilized pockets of health that needed to be destroyed. It was taking over her body and she knew it. She was not telling me, but she was telling a few of the people around her that she just did not feel right after her gallbladder surgery 5 months earlier. She was complaining to her doctor back in the summer that she was having pains in her side. He chalked it up to gallbladder because first, there was family medical history of gallbladder problems, and second was the fact that my mother was overweight. I remember the day of her surgery. I was working and I specifically asked my boss to use his phone at his desk to call and check on her. Her surgery was delayed for some reason, but she eventually had it and recovered from it just fine. Two months later she was at my wedding, and I could not see anything that was different. She didn't look sick to me. She was hiding it all from me because she did not want to worry me. She probably was also not wanting to admit it to herself. She hated cancer. She lost her brother to it and also had had to watch the slow, horrible demise of her sister who battle with the beast. It was a huge fear of my mother's. She was always sending me information about Ovarian Cancer because my paternal grandmother died from it way back when. She was always telling me to keep up with my OBGYN and get my tests done, you can never be too careful. Well, somehow in all her literature and all the signs that she had, she missed the warnings. Or perhaps she expressed those fears and her doctor did not listen because of her obesity. We will never know. What I do know is that this is now the beginning of the end. This was where I started to see real signs that my gut feeling was not such a fantasy fear of mine. It was very real, very intense, and it was happening at a time in her life that should have been so happy and hopeful. Her life was rapidly coming to a pain filled end in a shocking sequence of events that left me, and everyone who knew her, with a tidal wave of pain, disbelief, anger, and catastrophic sadness that still washes over me from time to time. I had no idea this was coming. No warning at all. And to think, I spoke those words to her. "I guess you can die a happy woman, huh?" I don't think I will ever be able to get past that.




Next part of the story gets harder. I find wonderful joy and immense grief are two hard pills to swallow simultaneously. Bodde is born and one month later, she's gone.

PS ... Bruce Score's Brownie Points With Pretty Sande!

The miles may have been between us, but the move to California only brought my mother and I closer. We talked every day on the phone and through those conversations I revealed to her my joys, my fears, my new goals, my enduring pain from the adoptions, my irritation with general life in my 20's and she always had a way of making it all look better. She was like that. Ask someone who knew my mother what was her best quality and they would tell you that it was her innate ability to just make ya forget your troubles. She would start by telling you exactly what you just told her, a quality that all great listeners have, then she would tell you a little story of how she or someone she knew had a similar situation and what they/she did, then she would throw in something that was off the cuff that had a little to do with what you were talking about, but with fiercely blinding humor. She would have me laughing within minutes of telling her of the worst day ever. Her advice made you think, she really did listen well so she would always make you feel like she knew right where you were coming from. She also had a wickedly sarcastic tongue that cut right to the chase, but again, had you laughing. She would tell me that her job had it's moments when she wanted to just tell off some people, but "I always kill them with kindness" is what she would say. That was also a trait that my mother felt strongly about, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Now, I am not saying that she did not stand up for things, she always did that. But her way of doing it was so sweet, so sincere that even if she did tell you off, you wouldn't know it until later. She just had a way with words and a wonderful sense of how to deliver them.

Now, in my absence from my beloved St. Louis, I missed out on visits with my daughter, Bella. I had a very open relationship with the adoptive parents and it worked very well on both sides. I always made a point to send them letters to tell them of where I was, how I was doing professionally, how I was doing with the loss of my daughter, and how I was very strong in my feeling that I did what was best for her in the situation that I was in. I made it a point to reaffirm that I was healthy and making my way through it, not to mention how much I appreciated their communication with me, ie: pictures, updates, more pictures. This all paid off for my mother because she was the one who would make plans to see her in my absence. Yes. How fantastic is that of Bella's parents? They understood that I was not the only one who was feeling loss, they knew that Sande was a part of Bella's family and they liked her just as much as everyone else did. So, my mother did go and spend time with my daughter. Many times. My daughter even came to her house on one of those visits and she even played with my dog, something that I think is very special. My mother and I loved our dog Lucas and Bella got to play with him, hang out with him. Maybe that seems odd to you, but it is a connection that I hold dear. My mother even went shopping with my daughter and her mother, Sophia, for her First Communion dress. Now, if you have been following the story, you know that Sande was raised by a devout Catholic and was herself a Catholic, so to be able to shop for the dress that her granddaughter would be wearing to her own First Communion....well, let's just say that she was a crying mess when she received the invitation. That was, I know, one of her all time favorite things in her entire life. My mother was so very proud that Sophia had called to ask her to go. She told me that it felt like Bella wanted to know her just as much as she wanted to know me. My mother beamed through the phone after every visit, I could hear her ecstatic heart through the AT&T lines. It never made me sad that she was seeing my daughter more than me. They knew that I was far away, and they always sent me beautiful notes of sentiment and pictures to accompany it after a visit with my mom.

So we were moving right along in life, things were progressing with me and Bruce. I had a back injury at my management job which was a set back so I had to change professions. I did well with graphic design and computer courses I took so I worked hard to move up the ladder to get a job that I loved doing design. Before we I knew it, I was on the verge of 28, entering a new profession, in a relationship that was going on 7 years strong, and best of all...we were making a life, our life. My mom grew to love and respect Bruce over the years. Before we left Missouri she told him that he had to take care of me, and if he didn't he would have to feel her wrath. Bruce had proved above and beyond that the not only could take care of me and protect me, but that he loved me for all that I was. The wonderful points to my character, and also the flaws, he loved them all. I felt the same way about him. There was not a day that went by that he did not make me belly laugh. There was not a day that he did not say I love you. There was not a day that we went to bed angry. Somehow, we were making our relationship work. And for two kids from single mother homes who had no real father figures around to lead by example, that was a pretty big accomplishment. He admitted to me that moving to California was the best thing he had ever done because it had taught him that if you believe in someone, they can surprise you with their strength. He told me that the move was healing for him, that he felt a little more open and free here. We were still finding new things everyday about each other that helped us both heal along the journey. We talked occasionally about the children, and we were beginning to smile more during those talks. There were not as many tears as the years went by because we could see that they were all taken care of, loved so very much and also knew that we were thinking of them. We were all in a good place in life, me and Bruce, me and my mom, he and his mom. I was in love with my life for the first time in a long time, and it felt fantastic!

September 1998, Bruce planned a trip to Catalina Island (pictured above) to celebrate us for a weekend. I thought it was a lovely sentiment. It had been recommended by my cousin to go there, so we took a day off work and left for a long weekend on the small island just off of Long Beach, CA. I almost did not make it across on the ferry. I have a tendency to get car sick, sea sick, sometimes turn around in the car to talk to my kids sick...I do not do well with motion. But, we pulled up just at the perfect time to get off the rocker from hell! It was a beautiful little town called Avalon that was also a pretty popular spot for many Southern Californians, mostly for the small feel and old world style main street. There were only 30 cars on the entire island and everyone got around in golf carts. We found our hotel and it was charming, but we were ready to get out and enjoy the day. We rented a cart and decided to take the path tour of the island. We hoped in and drove up the hill to overlook the bay. There was a giant Navy ship just off the coast, there were bobbing boats with small dinghies riding out to meet them in the middle of the cove, there were spectacular views of the famous casino there that was built by Mr. Wrigley back in the late 1930's. We felt like we were in a different world. It was wonderful driving around that island except we think we may have been ripped off about the cart because there were people passing us on the trail and we could not get the cart to go any faster. It was hilarious and irritating at the same time. We really wanted to get all the way through the tour, but needless to say we arrived back at the rental place seeing just half the island but tears rolling down our faces from the comments made during the ride.

It was the summer of McGuire and Sosa. For those of you who do not know, the former mentioned baseball players were in the home run race that jump started Major League Baseball back to the juggernaut that it is today. We were from St. Louis and we loved our Cardinals so we stopped off at a sea side bar for some lunch to watch the game. It was September 27th to be exact, it would soon be a day in St. Louis history. On that gorgeous Indian Summer day, Mark McGuire beat Sammy Sosa (Cubs) to the single season home run record. That afternoon, sitting eating nachos and drinking beers we watched as McGuire hit the 63rd home run of the season. It was very exciting, we of course were very enthusiastic fans, but you have to understand the the whole country was rooting for these two guys to break the record. So when it happened, everyone was yelling. I thought to myself, I will never forget this day. We were lazy the rest of the afternoon, did some shopping, bought some things then we finally went to clean up for dinner. We made reservations at a place we saw while lallygagging and we were actually a few minutes late to the eatery. Bruce ordered a bottle of wine, and he never ordered wine. He said that he had always wanted to try wine so why not now? I thought it was great so we ate and drank until the place was closing, yep they had to finally ask us to leave.

The moon was glowing off the ocean and the boats were still bobbing up and down in the cove. I took my shoes off and we walked in the sand. I said something about being on an island in the Pacific and that there was a really nice string of islands we should visit further out in the Pacific, hinting at a possible trip to Hawaii, perhaps? He turned to face me and said, "Well, if we were in Hawaii then I wouldn't have this..." I saw his hand go into his pocket and when I saw the little box I knew what the whole trip was about. Bruce dropped to one knee. He took my hand and began to speak the most soulful words that I had ever heard from his mouth. It all ended with, "I cannot imagine my life without you, so please Kelsey, will you marry me?" "YES! YES! YES! GET UP!" I yelled at him as he put the ring on my finger. There was no fanfare, there was just us and the beach. It was so perfect, so romantic and just so Bruce. He surprised me, I really had no idea that this was going to happen. As we walked hand in hand I heard the voice of Fanny Brice in my head singing..."Sadie, Sadie Married lady". I was going to be a bride. Bruce tried to tell me to call my mother just after he proposed and I said it was way too late. It was 11 pm in Cali so that meant it was 1 am for her. I told him that I would call her in the morning and that she would understand. He told me that she knew about it. I was shocked. I asked him how she already knew. He said, "Well, I know that you do not talk that much to your dad and I figured that I should really ask your mom for your hand in marriage. I called her and told her that I wanted to marry you and told her how I was going to take care of you for the rest of your life." I cried. He did not understand. I told him that I thought it was the sweetest thing I had ever heard that he would ask for her permission to marry me. I told him that he really scored some brownie points there because I was sure that my mom got a huge kick out of him asking her, and not asking Phil. I was right. And he was right. I called her from a pay phone first thing the next morning and after I told her what happened she said, "What took you so long to call?"

October 16, 1999 I married Bruce Stewart in a ceremony at Laumier Scultpture Park in Missouri. You know who was standing right there beside me for the whole ceremony? My beautiful Bella. Sophia and her husband not only allowed her to come to my wedding, but they respected her wishes to be in my wedding. I wrote all about it in Happy Thought #7. Yes, she asked to be in our wedding. We were thrilled to have her there. It was a day filled with love, filled with hope, filled with so much joy for everyone. We waited 8 years to get married and we were never so sure about anything in our lives. We kept a big secret that we revealed to the wedding party the night before: we were pregnant with our own child. All of our friends and family were there so everyone was doubly joyous because they knew me and Bruce's whole story. They knew that not only were we starting our married life, but we were starting a family as well. But you know who looked forward to it more than me? My mother. She was absolutely thrilled that this baby was on his way. I had come to St. Louis for a wedding shower and I told her and my mother in law about it back in July. She was actually beside herself and got permission from me to tell some of her close friends early on. She made plans to retire from the VA and come out to California to live with us. She was ready to love that kid and spoil him in ways we never thought were possible. We were all so happy that day. Bruce, my mom, his mom, Bella and her parents, and me. Bruce and I were going to have a baby boy and he was due on March 16, 2000. I so looked forward to that day.

Next post...the pregnancy and the birth of my son, Bodde and the thrill it brought my mother just to hear him breath.

PS ... Got Any Fruit? ... the long, strange journey to California

April 19, 1995. The Oklahoma City Bombing shocked the world that morning with this news. It was the first of it's kind in our country, something we were not ready for. In the following weeks the nation learned that this horrific act of terrorism was looking to be homegrown, as in the persons responsible were Americans living in the United States. It was unfathomable that this hatred would exist in our own borders. It shook America awake, and a full fledged investigation was in progress, and Americans wanted answers. Bruce and I were traveling across the country to start our lives in California and we were on our second day of the journey. We woke up in Oklahoma City and went to eat breakfast. After eating, we hit the road as early as possible, we had many miles to travel. About an hour into the drive, we saw a hitchhiker on the side of the road, we had no where to put him and we were on a schedule so we passed him by. Within a mile of seeing him, we passed a gigantic sign on the side of the highway that said... "Do not pick up hitchhikers, they may be escaped convicts." Good to know. We looked at each other and thought it odd that there was a sign like that on the road, but figured they knew what they were talking about. It was really a sign that this was going to be a very strange trip this move of ours. We were in good spirits, talking, laughing listening to our favorite music and looking at the landscape as we finished with Oklahoma and entered Texas.


We only had to drive a short distance in Texas, pretty much a straight shot across the top of the State with the only large town near being Amarillo. We made sure that we drove the exact speed limit because there were signs all along the freeway that said..."Don't Mess With Texas". Again, good to know. Bruce was trying to get to Albuquerque to stop for the night and we were almost there. We finally made it early evening and found a motel to stop for the night. Everyone we came into contact with were acting just a bit off. People were not talking or smiling, everyone was very reserved and not chit chatting like you would normally see. We again found it odd, but figured that it was just a new city, new people. We had stopped before getting to the motel to eat, so we were determined to just get in the room and get some sleep. I called my mother and told her we were safe and she had asked me if I was watching the news on Oklahoma City. I hold her that the mood there was weird and Bruce and I just wanted to get going as fast as possible. She told me to watch the late news because there were all kinds of developments going on. I told her I would, and then bid her good night. I turned on the TV and the rest was a good nights sleep. Too tired. The following morning we were just one day away from our scheduled arrival in our new apartment. We were excited, we were talking non stop about everything, we were just so happy to be half way there. Bruce asked me to drive the first half of the trip. I told him I would rather take the second half because I saw what the elevation of Flagstaff was and I did not think I would be good driving the Uhaul from pre-Atomic Bomb era up that giant mountain with all the wind. He said that he really just wanted to relax and said I would do fine. Mid afternoon Flagstaff was in sight and I again asked him to please drive up to Flagstaff, I really was nervous once I saw the grade. He told me to stop being silly and just drive. I argued, trying to tell him that I was not confident that I could get up there safely. He laughed. It got closer, I got more nervous. Two lanes going straight up a HUGE grade, One last time I asked. He said "You'll be fine, stop worrying." Half way up the grade he was yelling at me to go faster, I was only doing about 40mph and everyone was passing us honking. I told him that if I were to shift I would kill the truck...the torque on that ignorant box on the back of the truck was weighing too heavily on the transmission. I felt it under my feet, he was just too agro to hear me. There was a semi that blew past us blaring his horn and Bruce was ready to blow up himself. I tried, I tried hard to get that truck up the grade but the more I tried, the more we slowed down. Bruce was trying to tell me what to do, I was watching the rear view mirror making sure we were not going to be rear ended by another semi, horns honking, people flipping us off. It was horrible, I knew that I would never, ever live it down! And I knew that my mother was going to hear his side first so they could bond over another Kelsey moment. We started to come to the summit and all he could say was, "Pull the truck over. Pull the truck over. Right here is fine, just pull in and stop the truck." Once I came to a complete stop he jumped out of the cab. I just sat there breathing, thanking the Lord that we were not smashed to smithereens by another truck. I never got the keys for the remainder of the trip, Bruce proceeded to escort me the rest of the way.


It was quiet after Flagstaff. We wanted to get to Kingman, Arizona for the night. It was a busy city near the border of California off the 40. We only needed to drive about another half a day before we would be in our new town. We had left the driving debacle behind us and again were jubilant that we were so close to our new life. We found a Comfort Inn near the highway off ramp and quickly pulled in to get a room. There were cars all over the place, and most of them were black sedans with suits inside. We went in the front door and approached the desk only to see quite a few more suit men inside talking on walkie talkies. It was a strange mood and the check in girl was very short with us, constantly looking up at the suit men. We kept quiet and she gave us directions to where we could park with the Uhaul. We went back out to the truck and there were so many cars around. We went to our room, put our toiletries in there along with a change of clothes and we set out to get something to eat. We decided to walk and once we got to where we were going, we just wanted to get our food and go back to the hotel. It was almost eerie there, people were all looking at each other, cars were driving very slowly, more and more sedans showed up. We thought it really freaky by this point and we wanted to just get somewhere out of public. Once we were safe in our room and set up to eat dinner, we turned on the nightly news. It all made sense within about two minutes. Tom Browkaw was reporting that there "was a confirmed link to Kingman, Arizona and the Oklahoma City Bombing. The Uhaul that was rented was in fact rented in Kingman and then driven along the 40 HWY to Oklahoma City. There were numerous FBI, FTA, and State police in Kingman and they..." WOW! No wonder it was so weird out there. It was a weird that we could not shake, and we were feeling very venerable there. Especially with a Uhaul! We watched the coverage, set the alarm for 4:30 am and said goodnight so we could get out of there as soon as possible.

It was pitch black when we pulled back onto HWY 40. The mood was even darker. We did not stop anywhere. We did not talk. We just moved along, minding our own business. Day broke as we were heading into California. We crossed the state line going up a gradual grade that went a long way into the distance. The sun was not up yet but the morning began to show some life. We were now at the top of the grade and below us were all kinds of rolling hills, some higher than others so the light was different on all of them. It was stunning. It reminded me of a bowl full of pastel marshmallows with a path through the middle of it. I could not take my eyes off of it. Even Bruce was left with no words, just taking in the spectacular morning, the morning he would see his new home. The sun slowly began to peek around the bends and it became an even more beautiful sight. We had made it, we were finally in The Golden State. About 20 minutes later we could see cars lined up at a check point, but we did not know what the check point was for. We were a little nervous because we had beer in the cooler from the night before and since we did not know the laws of California we thought for sure we were going to get into some big trouble. We sat in the long line waiting to find out our fate. As we inched closer, we saw the check point worker looking through some cars. Oh no, we were busted for sure! We were one car away. Bruce asked if the cooler was exposed. I said it was. We had no time to cover it because the car in front of us pulled away leaving us to be the next to pass. We pulled up slowly, hearts pounding, sweat dripping down our arms. Bruce rolled down his window.


"Hello folks, how are you today?" the guard asked with a smile.


"We are very good. And you?" Bruce tried to make small talk.


"I am great, thank you for asking. What brings you to California?" he asked.


"We are moving here from Missouri, sir." Bruce answered with a smile.


"Missouri? Wow, that's a drive. How was it?" He said looking at the crap Uhaul we were pulling. "I would bet it wasn't easy pulling that thing behind ya..." he giggled.


"You can say that again. It was not the one that I chose, but it had to do."


"You guys like cheese?" Bruce and I looked at each other like...'DId he just ask us if we liked cheese? What kind of weird ass state is this? You stop people to ask if they like cheese?'


"Uh, yes we do."


"Well, don't get your hope us too high. This state claims that we have good cheese but if you ask me I like the stuff that comes from Wisconsin better. More flavorful, you know?" Okay, this was all getting a bit odd. "Do you have any fruit?" he asked. Fruit? What? Weren't we just talking about cheese? Is this guy ADD or what?


"No sir, no fruit." Bruce said wanting to just get out of there.


"Okay, well then you have a nice day and welcome to California."


"You too, thank you." We drove through the check point a little baffled. Fruit? NO we don't have fruit but we have alcohol in the cooler. Very strange to us, we were not aware that you could not bring fruit into the State of California. Yet again we found ourselves saying..."Good to know". Those fruit flies can really destroy the crops of produce that is abundant in that state, this is what we were told by some friends later. They all laughed to hear how nervous we were to drive through the check point not knowing it was only about fruit.


At around 1:00 pm we pulled up the driveway to our apartment. Bruce was anxious to see it and I was excited to show him. I opened the door and he stepped in. He then went to the sliding glass door to take a look at our view. He was impressed and immediately wanted to unpack everything so we could get organized then return the Uhaul. We spent the day putting things away, organizing dishes, making lists of food and condiments that we needed, figuring out how to arrange the furniture and finally, we put together the things needed in the bathroom. We returned the Uhaul and then went out to eat since we did not yet have a dining room table. It was the best meal I had ever had. I think it was because there was months of nerves calmed just knowing he was really there with me, and not just for a visit. He was there with me to stay. We went back to our apartment and watched the sunset in beautiful oranges that faded to pinks that faded to purples and then finally to blackness. The stars were out and we could smell the ocean air. We stood on our patio hugging each other, satisfied to finally be together with big dreams in our heads. We were finally out on our own, and it felt great!!!!


Yeah, this one had not much to do with my mother, but the story was a good one and I am just trying to buy time to find the right words to carry on her story. Next post...life in California, how we adjusted and like I said, Bruce asks Sande permission to marry her daughter. We are getting close to the final chapters and I hope you have enjoyed the journey so far.