Italy Through Her Eyes

A few months back, I was called delusional when it came to my relationship with my daughter. This particular reader thinks I am crazy and just imagining the successful lines of communication that I had with Bella while growing up. (For those of you who may be new, my daughter has known me all of her life due to her incredibly compassionate parents. She is now in her twenties.) I have heard this kind of opinion before so it was nothing new. But for some reason, this one stuck with me and I have been thinking a lot about who she is and what she has become.


This summer, she had an opportunity to go to Europe to study her major and learn a new language. Bella wrote to me telling me how excited she was and I, of course, relished in her enthusiasm and attitude going into what was sure to be an adventure like no other she had experienced before. I found myself thinking about me at that age and what it was like to be young, free and the world in front of me. Italy was the country of her destination, and I have to admit I was wishing I could jump on a plane and just hang with her for a day.

Thanks to the internet and this fast paced life we all lead on the computer, at the touch of a button I can take a look to see what she's up to or click through her pictures and see for myself how she is. I love that this is now available to me because for years it was about 2 - 3 times a year that I would get pictures and a letter to update me on her activities, her accomplishments, her life. I don't stalk by any means. I just check in to see where her life is going.

In looking through her pictures, I was reminded of how much Bruce and I see life through the boys. It never ceases to astonish me that something I have known for a long time will seem so different when explained to me by my children. It takes on a whole new meaning, to see what their version of life is and understand it on a new level. I could have never imagined seeing Italy from Bella's point of view when she was born. I was clueless as to what would become of our relationship, what would become of me ... what would become of her. It is all so up in the air with adoption, you know? Through each journey there are different factors, things unseen or unincorporated into the big picture of life in adoption for the child. 


But there I was, looking at her Europe. I loved every frame, every comment, every time she posted an album it was sheer enjoyment from beginning to end. I had nothing to do with her being who she is as a person, that comes her family who raised her. Morals. Religion. Education. Her background is truly hers, and she will include that she is adopted because she is not afraid to strike up that conversation. As I looked through the photos, I felt incredibly proud and also very complete. Proud that she is the strong woman that I had hoped she would be, and complete because I know she is living life to the fullest. Much the way I did when I was her age.

Her time there was an incredible voyage for me as well. Perhaps I am not conveying the peace that I feel right now. I can assure you that I am beyond grateful for the life we both have had, and the fact that she includes me in hers ... and always has.

This was one of the first pictures that she posted, and it brought a smile to my face.

I mean, what a trip when you are young, huh? I have always wanted to see Europe, particularly the iconic landmarks like this one ...

 

Or this gem, oh man! If there is one place that I have on my bucket list it is Rome. 

Just amazing to see this through Bella.

Back in Italy ....

A kid after my own heart. A picture of gelato overload. Yep, I love it too.

The architecture is what draws me to Europe, and I thought these were beautiful examples.

 

A gondola ride to boot! 

 

What is the purpose of this post? Just when I question myself or start to think all the what ifs of my past, this amazing young woman shows me that life is what you make of it. Our journey has been more than inspiring for me and those around me, it has been an example of what life can be when you give of yourself completely. She is happy, and in the end that is all I want. It is all I have ever wanted.

Mark Schultz, A Grateful Adoptee

Warning: If you are a birth mother, this video will grab your heart and hopefully help you realize that SOMETIMES there are adoptees who speak so beautifully about their origins. This man is one of those adoptees. This is a short interview that I found quite by accident, and as you who read me often know I do believe in fate, and I do believe that things happen for a reason. I think I found this video not only for me, but more so to share with my readers. 

This passage is what brings it home for me, and hopefully these powerful words will touch you in the same way they did me:

"I can't wait someday to, in heaven, meet people who were born because their birth parents heard this song. I can't wait for my birth mom to meet those people so she can realize she didn't make a mistake." Mark Schultz

 
And then there is the song of which Mark is speaking of in this interview. This link will take you there. Mind you, there may be tears. There may be long sighs. There may be some reminiscing that will happen after seeing this. I don't share it to upset you, but rather to show you that somewhere .... someone took the time to write this for his mother and although he probably did not mean to, he has touched countless others who needed to hear these words from him.


Everything to Me ~ Mark Schultz


Thank you so much to Mark Schultz for this perspective. Thank you Mark for an honest interview that shows how much you have been affected by what your birth mother did for you. And finally, thank you Mark for making my heart smile ... both through your talent and your beautiful words in the interview. May your life continue to be blessed, and may you know what this song means to so many of us.

Adoptee Memoir ~ Found by Jennifer Lauck

Two years ago I was asked if I wanted to join a book tour for Open Adoption Examiner. Lori, who is amazing, is the brainchild behind these tours which go something like this: She asks a group of people to read a particular book, we read it & then submit questions based on what we have read. Lori sends us various questions to answer about the book, in turn we write a bit about the book and then submit our answers to the queries of others. The last one I participated in was for James L. Gritter's Life Givers Tour and I met many amazing folks through that en devour. This time around we were assigned Found, a memoir by best selling author Jennifer Lauck. Let me start by saying I had no idea how much this book would affect me.

Jennifer is an adoptee, twice actually, who spent a majority of her life searching for something that she could not describe. Through the book I learned that she was searching for herself along with her birth mother and her origins. Jennifer's writing is spectacular with details so clear I felt sometimes that I was in the room with her. I was in awe as to how she pulled me in and did not let go until my eyes were weary from trying to keep up. The short version: I could not put this book down.

Lauck's ambition and drive begins shortly after she leaves her somewhat family life for college, determined to be her own person in a world that could not provide answers to some of her deepest questions. Early on in the book she speaks about karma, well speaking about it does not do her justice. Jennifer dives into the definition and sets the reader up for one amazing story of karma and how it was a repeated facet of her life, even though she did not know it until much later after she finds her birth mother. I speak of this because every time Lauck finds out something about her birth family, all I could think about was the link she made to karma at the beginning of the book.

Lauck goes on to become a journalist and eventually an author. Her first memoir about her life, New York Times Bestselling Blackbird: A Childhood Lost and Found, was a great success for her. With that success came speaking engagements which ignites Jennifer to research adoption, and with her background to say she researched is an understatement.
"I tried to understand how I could contribute (she was asked to speak at an adoption event). I asked questions and conducted interviews. I discovered that none of the people who managed adoption for this group had been adopted. None of them had experienced mother-loss to any sort either.
"This seemed incredible. I would have thought that the first order of business for those who handled adoptions would be empathy garnered by direct experience. How can one know the poser of mother-loss unless they too have lost a mother?"
That powerful question leads her to Nancy Verrier whom Jennifer then works with to uncover so many different emotions and feelings left from the uncertainty of who and where she came from. At this point I was so enchanted by Lauck's tale I wanted to crawl into the book.

I will not give too much away because this book is definitely worth your time. Earlier I said that Found affected me. Boy did it. So much so that I did not turn in any questions to ask Ms Lauck. Why?  I felt I had no right to ask her any questions. From my perspective as a birth mother, this book moved me beyond words. To feel Jennifer's pain was haunting. When the book reveals the moment when Lauck does meet her mother, well, I was too familiar with her mother to think that I could ask her questions. It was not a bad response, Lauck meeting her mother. It was quite the opposite. But as with all reunions, there were very difficult parts that resonated with me in a way that I never felt before. To hear it from Lauck's heart and head, to know what she was thinking during those conversations and those moments that she was with her mother was an incredibly powerful thing to read. I was touched by Lauck's honesty and compassion. I was moved to tears reading some of those words, especially this passage when she speaks to her mother for the first time on the phone:
I cleared my throat and spoke that truth.
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for my life."
Catherine exploded like a heavy sky, tears raining, and her voice comes ragged.
"That is the most amazing thing you could have said to me," she managed. "I was just so sure you have hated me for what I did to you."

Thank you Jennifer Lauck for writing such a brilliant and compelling book about a subject that needs so much attention. I would recommend this book to all in the adoption triad, especially birth mothers and adoptees. Found will make you think, help you understand where the adoptee is coming from and hopefully make you ask some important questions of yourself no matter where you are in your adoption journey.
Here is where you can find Jennifer's book: Found
And here is where you can find more information about Jennifer.

 
Now, to the Book Tour for Open Adoption Examiner. Here are my responses to questions about Found.

Q: Shame figures prominently in Lauck's experience. She traces it to her mother's experience: "was I actually reliving the shame absorbed by my mother in 1963 and thus absorbed by me as the baby she carried? Was I trying to heal the both of us through my reenactment of her past?" (p. 94). Later, she writes that "No one spoke of adoptees and their silent sorrows. We were acquired, assimilated, and adapted" (p. 116). Is adoption inherently shameful, or is it only shameful because of when the process and the people involved are treated as unworthy or undeserving? Lauck's language, especially the term "acquired," suggests that adoptees have been treated as commodities rather than people. Does this resonate with you?
Kelsey's response:
Shame is ever present in adoption. I was not shamed into placing my child for adoption, rather I had wonderful support from all those around me. But that is not to say that there was still shame that surrounded it. No one was ashamed of me, not in the least. But society as a whole, especially those NOT involved with adoption, really does generate shame when a child is born and placed for adoption. The US has made great strides in adoption, but there is always room to grow and no one said it better than Ms Lauck in her book ~ (pg265) "Adoption, in an open situation, is humane." Shame should not be a part of adoption, but it is. What I want everyone to think about is what that shame will do to the adopted child. If one is ashamed of their actions or the actions of the birth family, wouldn't the adotpee feel that shame and then place it upon themselves? Not sure of the answer, but it seems a very good question to me.

To answer the other part of this question, adoption language is a very personal thing. I think people use the terms that they are comfortable with and that is just fine by me. But as far as adoptees being treated as commodities rather than people, well I don't see that side of it. After all, I gave birth to adoptees and I don't see them as commodities.

Q: On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?
Kelsey's response:
The passage that you speak of struck me to the core. You see, when I had my daughter she was forced by the State to go into Foster Care for a month. I had every right and took those liberties to see her while she was in Foster Care. When I went to see her, as soon as I started talking to her ... everything about her changed. She recognized my voice, she would move in closer to me as I held her, she looked so intently at me that I swear she was looking right through me. This reaction amazed me, as well as my mother. I knew she knew me. I could see it in her face. And believe me, every time I had to give her back to the Foster Parents it was heartbreaking. But, I knew that she needed to know that she would be alright. That is why I went to visit her in that house considered a mutual meeting ground. In those visits, I could see her identify with me and THAT was a feeling I knew no one could take from me. It was in those quiet moments that I explained to her my love for her and my reasons for letting her go. 
 

Q: Did the author's narrative style influence how you viewed certain eras of her life (childhood, young adulthood, the present), or did events themselves shape how you saw the story?
Kelsey's Response: 
Jennifer's writing just pulled me in! I did like how she bounced back and forth from present time to past, it was a great way to see how she is now (after reunion) and how it was changing her views throughout the book. I paid so much attention in this book that the events really shaped the story for me. I learned much more than about adoption in this book. I particularly liked the way she introduced her love for Tibetan Buddhism. It was wonderful to see how that all came about, and the incredible karma that surrounded her life.


Thank you Lori for inviting me to join this tour, I love what you are doing for adoption and wish there were thousands more like you out there in the world!!

To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

The Mother She Never Knew

 

 

Jackie Oddo, left, recounts the story of looking for her birth mother as her newfound cousin, Mary Lynn Illos, right, listens. Illos and other relatives welcomed Oddo into the family when they met her.
Sharon Cantillon / Buffalo News

Found this story and thought it was quite unique. What an amazing family to embrace this woman and share with her the mother she never knew. If you have time, please read. I was overwhelmed by this statement:

"Illos was bursting with emotion. "It was almost like a gift because it took away my mourning and grief," she said. "It was like I felt hope. I felt excitement. That, 'Oh my gosh. There's a piece of Marsha left.'"

Read story here .... and thank you to Maki Becker, News Staff Reporter at BuffaloNews.com for shedding light on such a touching and significant story!
Grief bears a gift of joy ~ Town of Tonawanda

Christmas Story to Warm a Mother's Heart

I had to share this with all of you. I loved this story. Yeah, some of the wording that the reported chose is not up to par, but cut him a break. I am just glad that THIS POSITIVE story about adoption made it to the mainstream media!

I hope you enjoy it, and may you all have a wonderful Christmas this weekend!


Here's to ornaments!!!!!


Adopted Man Gets Box of Christmas Joy from His Birth Mother

Holidays in Adoption

Holidays can be quite hard for some people. The Christmas carols, the endless lists of shopping to do, the planning of the meals, trying to squeeze into that festive dress that mysteriously became tighter since all of the plates of goodies came streaming into the office or the occasional get together with friends. It can all be daunting and stressful to say the least.

In adoption, facing Holidays can often mean facing demons that linger in the deepest parts of our hearts. For many, this Season is for reconnecting with family we may have not seen for a while. But for many in adoption, this Season is just a reminder of what it is that they do not have. For some adoptees this whole month and a half of Holidays is just a reminder that they have a family somewhere that they do not know. It can be very hard to sit with people that you know loves you, that you know cherishes the person that you are, and you know that they only want to make you feel welcome within their families. However, even with all the love and acceptance that is bestowed upon those adoptees, there are those that most likely have a feeling that they do not belong. All the love in the world cannot squash the need to know who you are and where you come from. And that need to know who you are is never stronger than the Season meant for family, friends and giving. I can certainly understand when an adoptee tells me they do not like the Holidays.

For those of us in the birth family, Holidays are hit and miss. Some years are good. Some years are unbearable. Yet some years, depending on where one is in the healing process, can be filled with hope and peace. I admit that Holidays in the beginning were very difficult. I would go through the motions, open the presents, smile and talk with loved ones, eat a hearty meal and then send everyone off with well wishes and all the while my head was somewhere else. It was not always sad for me, but rather just thinking about what it was that I was missing was my demon. My mind would not stop thinking about how their hearts felt on Christmas morning. Did they know that there was someone thinking only of them on Christmas? Did they know that there was someone missing them on Christmas Eve as they were preparing for Santa to come? Were they baking cookies? Do they stay up late waiting to catch a glimpse of the Big Man putting presents under the tree? What do they want most this year? Will they ever understand just how much I love them?

But, the older I got the easier the Holidays became. Instead of beating myself up about how much they did not know I was missing them, I would think of how much they were loved and cared for. I thought of how much they were loved by those that surrounded them. I thought about how amazing it was that they were growing into their own selves, their own people. I learned to forgive myself for all the guilt I carried for not raising them. I learned to let go, to accept that that cannot be changed. I learned to love myself for the person I was because after all, I would like to think that my children would want me to love myself. I learned that life is not always going to be what we want it to be, and in that thought why not just let go and allow life to love me for a change? I learned after years of soul searching and facing those demons of Holidays past that I am my own destiny. I am a mother of loss, but I am not a lost mother.

It may be easier to read than to do, but let my journey teach you this about adoption: No matter what side of adoption you are from and no matter what circumstances brought you to where you are, YOU are the one that has to live with you. YOU are the one who chooses what path to take in life. YOU are ultimately responsible for you, and once you learn to love yourself for all that you are then you can begin to forgive yourself for all your misgivings. No one else can be you, and there is no reason to let someone else define who you are. The Holidays were not meant to remind us of what we don't have, but rather to embrace what it is that we DO have ... and hopefully we can recognize that life is what we make of it.

It Gets Better and Better!

Jane Ballback blogger at You're My Second Momma, Aren't You?

Just when I was slightly coming off the high of the amazing Letter that I received from the twins mother, I was hit with another wonderful day that was not at all expected!


This past week I was contacted by the mother of an adoptee that I spotlighted here on the blog. I found the piece by Stacee Ballback about a month ago and was so touched with the way she spoke about her life that I felt I had to share her with all of my readers. (Note: My adopted children liked the piece as well :) ) I thought nothing of it because when I find something that moves me like that I KNOW that there are others who would also appreciate the words of an amazing young woman like her. Little did I know that it would lead me to someone who just may be the woman who helps me really achieve the goals I have in adoption: To speak my truths to help others understand the life of a birth mother, and for some ... to help them feel not so alone in their own journey.


Stacee's mother, Jane Ballback, wrote to me to thank me for highlighting the writing of her daughter. She also wrote to invite me to contribute to her new online magazine that will be launching in January! Oh how life weaves it's own little web. In all this big world of adoption, she found me and was kind enough to extend not only an invitation to join her, but also an opportunity like no other I have been offered. How could I not want to do this? To speak my truths and tell my positive experience in adoption to so many who want to hear how good it can be. I strive to teach others what it was that I learned and may in turn help them within their own journey. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this for over two years now and I am still pinching myself at the thought of what can be in the future!


I will certainly give you more details about the magazine when they become available. I can tell you that it will share all sides of the triad with some incredible voices that should, and will, be heard. From the conversation that I had with Jane it sounds as if this project of hers could be a big hit with many already interested in contributing. I am thrilled that she has the compassionate heart that she does for adoption because it is not often that one side seeks the stories of the other sides, but Jane is willing to put herself out there in order to let those voices shine. 


So I say thank you to Jane for reaching out to me, asking me to join you and giving me the chance to put a voice out there for the side of adoption that is most confusing for people. And I say thank you to her daughter Stacee for writing such a beautiful testament of the person that you are, which in turn somehow brought your mother and I to each other.


Life happens for a reason, and when that reason is exposed it has a tendency to not only amaze ... but inspire who we really are!

The Resilient Spirit

Saturday was a gorgeous day in Southern California. One of those days that is rare here, it rained the day before. Now, when it does rain here people loose their minds and do not know how to drive or even how to cope with the odd droplets of wet that are propelling themselves onto the Golden State's normally sunny days. After the rain is when it is most beautiful, all of the smog and filthiness of 5 million people washed away to reveal clear air, greener grass and majestic mountains. I do not enter LA often, mostly to retrieve guests at the airport. But Saturday was different. I had no idea how different it would be.

Jeanette Yoffe, therapist and foster/adopted woman of brilliance, invited me to attend a one man show of another adoptee, Brian Stanton. I accepted the invitation because I wanted to meet Jeanette. She runs a once a month group called Adopt Salon and all I have read and heard of it was wonderful so woooo hooo I get to meet her. Another reason is because I was interested in this play that she spoke so highly of, Blank. I was and still am at heart a thespian and I find it incredibly courageous to get on a stage, command the attention of the audience with only you to keep them there, interested in what you have to say. Still another reason is that she thought enough of me to ask me to bring along some books to display in the lounge area, bonus! So that is where I was bound, Venice California to surround myself with so many folks touched by adoption.

Oh yeah, you've heard the song and it really does exist! Electric Avenue is home to the Electric Lodge, my destination. Bustling with energy as Venice is, there were tons of folks walking the street below Electric Avenue and it gave way to side streets of small bungalows and funky beach shacks. The Electric Lodge was a small but quaint multiplex of creativity that housed a dance room, a small lounge area that served as the day care for the event and a wonderful playroom that was draped in black with risers where the chairs sat in neat rows. I felt as if the day was holding some great surprise, something profound that would make an impact in my life.

Brian not only enthralled us right off the bat, he exposed himself early on with revelations that he had struggles with identity from an early age. I was so impressed with this man from the get go because I understand the grueling and heartfelt emotions he was going to have to endure in the coming hour and a half as an actor to answer the tough questions that he was asking. He played many characters that were essential, endearing and sometimes hilarious! He wound through his life story with amazing detail to how he felt about being an adoptee. He talked about how he knew young and a little later his mother, whom can I just say I would like to meet based on the portrayal that Brian gave us, shows him is Birth Certificate. He took the documents and realized that she not only had the Certificate with their information, but she also had the Original Birth Certificate with is birth mother's name on it. From there, we walked his road with edge of the seat anticipation.

Brian also visited the emotions of, for the first time ever, reading the words his mother wrote to him. Wow. I did not know how this would effect me. To paraphrase he said (reading from the letter)... "I have waited a long time to tell you how often I have thought of you through the years ..." He stopped. There was a long pause. I watched the emotion on his face, the body language he had .... not moving a muscle. I knew what he was going to say in watching him and I felt the stream of moisture hit my cheeks and I could not breathe. He broke the silence with ... "She thought about me?" Followed with a look of awe followed with a slight smile. I inhaled and smiled along with him as the small creek turned to a river of tears rolling down my face. I was beyond touched, I was completely speechless and my heart grew and grew and grew. To convey those thoughts (and there were many that followed this divulgence) with such raw emotion was just an incredible thing to witness.

I was floored by the end and stood along with just about everyone in that playroom for a standing ovation when Brian took his bow. I cannot say enough about this man. To expose himself and his journey with such honesty and compassion, humor and sorrow, awe and frustration ... I wish you all could have seen it with me! I had so many things on my mind afterwards, and still have so much to say about this amazing day but not the time to tell you. I will continue in the coming week with more on this topic.

For now I say thank you to Mr. Brian Stanton, thespian, playwright, teacher, father and adoptee. You are a man who was gifted with the ability to surrender yourself in order to help us all understand a little better what adoption is. Hats off to you!

Adoptee Writes So Beautifully About Her Life

I come across so many blogs and articles about adoption that I admit I sometimes loose track of what it is that I am reading. However, yesterday I read this amazingly peaceful article from an adoptees voice and I was just touched beyond words. Some great points to be made in this writing, especially about how adoptees take their cues from their parents on how to feel about their birth parents.

Stacee Ballback, you should be proud of the woman that you have become ... and I thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world to read!

Surviving, Learning, Laughing: Winning the Lottery of Life

Tough Questions

I have been asked more than once in the last couple of weeks about my feelings regarding the children that I placed and how I explained to them the children that I chose to raise after them. It is not at all an easy thing to explain, and often the questions are asked in a rather sarcastic tone.

So, I decided to share this post that explains my thoughts on how I deal with this tough issue.

Adoptee Asks a Tough Question

Happy Thoughts #13 ~ Birthdays & Weddings ... Smiles Through Tears

In a few hours I will be on a plane heading to a wedding, a long awaited family wedding that I am more than happy to be attending. Imagine an eleven year old blond living in a house with all women...her mother, her aunt, her two cousins and then along comes a fiery redhead baby who took all of our hearts with her charm and freckles. She completed a family circle of all women in a Midwestern town, most of whom were often too alike for comfort in a house that was of modest size.

The blond would be me and the redhead would be my cousin, Kerrie. You have to understand that the blood makes us cousins, but the hearts make us sisters. My whole life, from the moment that she was born I had a little sister tailing me wherever I would go. I fondly remember her sitting on the toilet in the bathroom when I was what would now be called a tween, and she would sit and watch in amazement as I would put on make up, curl my hair and then shalack another ozone layer with the Aquanet that was my staple beauty product. Her little blue eyes would just stare as her mouth would ask 100 questions, one right after the other. I knew that she so badly wanted to go with me, but because of her age she could not. She was my little buddy, my #1 fan, my shadow for many years.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, Kerrie would sit with me and touch my belly just fascinated with the growth process. I would fart right in front of her, something that I would not normally do as I am a lady, but I had to get it out when I was as big as a house. She would laugh and laugh, telling me which one was bigger ... which one sounded like a duck ... it sounds weird, but I loved spending that time with her. She heard the word adoption, and she would ask me questions about it so I would explain my thoughts as simply as I could. I know she knew that the baby would not be coming home with us, but I was not sure just how she felt about it. Well, let's just say that I found out soon enough and I was not one to make my shadow very happy.

Kerrie's 9th birthday was overshadowed by the birth of my daughter, something that I could not have planned but it happened none the less. This left Kerrie torn between being aggravated that her day was now shared with Kelsey and her new baby (because let's face it at 9 you really are in your own world and rightfully so), and happy to see the little girl that she watched grow in her idol's belly. I could see that she wanted to be happy, but also wanted to give me the evil eye because she was there with us in the hospital for quite a while. But then, she held Bella in her little arms and all that seemed to make her mad just floated away. I can still see it in my head, Kerrie sitting in a red chair that was entirely too big for her and the BIG GIRL smile she had on her face as she posed for a picture with Bella. I am not sure that she had ever held a baby before. She was pleasantly surprised at how much the baby looked like me, almost mesmerized in her gazing at the tiny face before her.

It may have intruded on her birthday, but something happened that day. My little cousin Kerrie met my daughter on her first day of life, a day that was already so very special to Kerrie. Since then, these two have had a kinship. After seeing each other at family functions through the years, they now send each other cards and greetings on their birthdays. They chat from time to time on the Internet and cheer each other on in life. They were both in my wedding, a fact that I find quite comforting. And this weekend, I will watch my little cousin Kerrie marry the man she loves with my daughter probably sitting right next to me. This is something one cannot imagine in the hospital those precious few days before relinquishing rights. Who would have thought that one day someone so precious to me in my life, Kerrie, would be having a wonderful relationship with my only daughter whom I placed for adoption? How peaceful this particular adoption has turned out, how very fortunate I have been to know Bella and be in the position to see her ... to spend time with her in her life.

So to say that I have butterflies, am anxious and need to get on that plane is an understatement! To see Kerrie as a bride will bring me to tears. Seeing Bella will bring a smile to my face. And I am in luck, smiling through tears is one of my favorite emotions of all! Amazing how life does work out sometimes.

Favorite Adoption Books?

Today is the Last Day that Adoptive Families Circle Magazine is taking nominations for your favorite adoption books. One of the categories is Children's Books, a category that is near and dear to me considering I am an author. Take some time to click on the link and tell them about what your favorite books are and who knows, you may even win the Kindle that they are giving away!
If you feel so enclined, you can help this author who is still trying to get her message to the masses reach many more people just by entering and nominating The Best For You in the Children's Book category. It only takes a few minutes, and feel free to pass it along if you like. There are other categories that you can nominate a book for as well, so go take a look and make your opinion heard!


AdoptiveFamilies Circle ~ Best Adoption Books

Almost There!!!!!!!!!

So ... I am just under 24 hours before I board that plane for Colorado where I get to meet more amazing people in the adoption world! (Not to mention more Birth Mothers ... YAY!!!) I just cannot tell you how excited I am to be attending this conference, and most of all letting my voice be heard in a postive kind of way!!!

Here are the details again if you are near Littleton or wonder what the heckalecka I am talking about!

If you would like to attend and have not registered, here is a link to all the information you need to do so:

FSA Colorado Regional Conference

And here is the schedule for the day if you are interested in attending ....

9:00 Check- in- drop kids off at the Nursery Area. Come get your registration packet, class descriptions, goodie bags and ID tags. Make sure to give proper instructions about your kids to the babysitters on staff, if needed.

9:15 Profiles Plus – Learn ways to maximize your profile exposure on the web with help of SEO and all avenues on the net. Develop Pass-Along Cards, learn creative and effective ways to tell friends & learn who to leave your cards with. Learn the in’s and outs of blog etiquette and how not to offend potential expectant parents while staying true to who you are.

Open Adoption Success- Listen as Adoptive Parents and their birth parents share their keys to openness and what works for them. Open Adoptions can be tricky as emotions run high but, after this class you may realize how simple and wonderful open adoption relationships can be.

10:00 Infertility: Help, Hope & Healing- Kirsten Daynes (Author ) shares her insight about how working through their infertility and how it affects marriage and relationships with others. She gives guidance that will help all those experiencing this life-changing event and leaves you with motivation and inspiration.

Life After Placement- Jessalynn Speight, placed her baby girl 3 years ago and has blasted into the Adoption Outreach world by starting birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com, starting a non-profit birth mother scholarship program( and much more), becoming a wife and keeping a healthy relationship with her daughter’s Adoptive Parents. Learn some secrets of post-placement success from this motivating woman!

11:00 Adoptees Panel – Adopted adults and teens speak on their outlook about being an adopted individual. They share details about how they view and feel about their birth parents, life experiences and adoptive parents.

12:00- Lunch- in Cultural Hall

1:00 Advocating-4-Adoption – Corrine Christian( FSA Central Region Chair)-Learn how birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees can advocate for the cause of adoption. Get ideas on HOW to share your love of adoption with anyone you meet, educate in classrooms about the Option of Adoption, make Media contacts, become involved in all areas of outreach and education by developing a rapport with your agencies outreach program and FSA! Make a Difference!

Love After Loss- Tommy and Annie’s story will inspire anyone who has experienced a failed placement. Listen as they share how their heartaches turned into joy after multiple “Almost Miracles”. Their view on how they endured strengthened their marriage and made the adoption of their son, Judd much sweeter!

2:00 Birth Parent Panel- Birth Mothers & Fathers speak on why they chose adoption, the difference it has made in their lives and the relationships they have with the adoptive parents and much more. They give insight to anyone involved in or considering adoption.

3:00 Keynote- Kelsey Stewart – Author of The Best For You book , birth mother to 3 children and wife & mother to 2 more. She will enlighten us about Unity among all involved in the adoption triad. She will share her passion for adoption and inspire all to do their part to have greater harmony in their respective rolls in adoption.

4:00- RAFFLE time:) Items will be raffled off for all in attendance.

All classes (except 1st one) are 45-50 minutes.

Displays to be set up in Cultural Halls: Life Books, Foster Care Information, Display for Photos, Poetry, Adoption Arts.


Don't forget that today is the LAST day to enter the giveaway that I am holding in honor of this incredible day! I will post the winners tomorrow morning, just before I leave for the ROCKIES!!!!

GiVeAwAy Starts NOW!

Well, I am ONE WEEK AWAY from stepping on Colorado soil for the Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Littleton, CO!!! I heard there are more birth mothers registered to attend than ever before, and that just makes my heart sing! If you are close to Littleton, please try to come out! Not only will I be speaking at the event, but so will the lovely Jessalyn Speight ~ Author at Birth Mothers 4 Adoption Blog. Also there, Kirsten Daynes ~ Author of Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing!


So, here is the info as to how you can enter to win a signed copy of The Best For You, my book explaining adoption to children from a birth mother's point of view.

1. Leave a comment on this post saying you would like to be entered (1 entry)
2. Like the FaceBook page Kelsey Stewart (1 entry)
3. Become a follower of A Birth Mother Voice (1 entry)
4. Tell a friend about the giveaway, have them mention that you sent them. (1 entry for you and one entry for them!)
5. Follow the Birthmothers4Adoption blog. (1 entry)
6. Tweet about the giveaway, then let me know your twitter address where it is. (1 entry)
7. If you are registered to go the the conference, just let me know that as well (1 entry)

This contest is open from Friday, April 1st (NO JOKE!) until the day before I leave, Thursday April 7th at 11:59 pm. Depending on the entries, there will be the possibility of several folks winning this book! For every 15 entries, there will be another book GIVEN AWAY!!!

So enter today, no limit as to how many times you would like to enter ...  just type away and have fun reading all about Jessalyn and Kirsten!

The Kinship Center ~ Education in Adoption

Thank you to The Kinship Center for highlighting my post about the difficult question I had from a reader. Education is so important in adoption, and that education is a never ending thirst that many have in our unique world of adoption. This is a beautiful post that begins with the story of a birth mother who is a speaker, and she invites her relinquished son to join her at her presentation. The way in which the writer describes the way he watches her speak is quite touching, and brought a smile to my face. Open adoption can be an amazing way to live, when it is done right and there is mutual respect within all the parties.

If you have not hear of The Kinship Center, take a look at their website. They are all about education in adoption, and it is fantastic that they offer the views of the birth mothers who can testify to how communication in adoption is really the key to making it a success.
Link to the post ~ Answers to "Tough" Adopotion Questions

Top Adoption Blogs According to Adoptive Families Magazine

The award above is taken from AF website and is a direct link to their photo.

 

Just found this list and thought I would share. Of course there are many adoption blogs out there that deserve recognition, far too many to count. But this is a collection of 20 blogs that got the Kudos from the readers over there. Let me note, there is only ONE blog listed that is written by a birth mother, and only ONE blog listed that is written by an adoptee. To me, it seems that there should be more from THESE voices because it is those people that will give you the real insight into the world of adoption. (Not saying that Adoptive Parents, or AP's, don't know adoption, but their view is soooo different from the others. After all, they are the ones who eventually get to love the child as their own.)

Anyway, it is a nice list and I hope that you find some new reading material among them. I am sure it was a daunting task to just choose 20, I know that I have at least 70 blogs that I read on a weekly basis. And just for the record, many of them are from the birth parent side.

Thank you for making this list Adoptive Families, and in the future I hope that you consider just a few more of the first voices and the living it voices of adoptees and birth parents.

Adoptive Families Picks: Best Adoption Blogs

Adoptee Asks a Tough Question

I encourage my readers to ask questions if they have them, and this is one that came through that I have to answer:

I came across your blog in the Adoption Circle. I am an adult adoptee. I found your blog and it peeked my curiosity. I'm trying to understand why you felt ok to raise some of your offspring but not the others? How do you explain that to the adult adoptee?

Thank you for your curiosity, and thank you even more for this question. Let me say first off, there was a 10 year gap between the births of my children placed for adoption and the birth of my son Bodde. I had plenty of time to grow, beat myself up, grow some more and eventually come to terms with the fact that I have children in the world that I chose not to raise.

There are many reasons why I chose not to raise my first three children, I call them children and not offspring because I do not see them as objects. I know, I did not raise them but no one can tell me that they are not my children. I was there, I gave birth to them and therefore I can call them my children. I have explained before on this blog the reasons, but I will give you a short version of it. A) I was young when I had my children and did not feel mature enough to raise children at that time. B) I had many issues going on at the time I found myself pregnant. I did not feel that it would be fair to bring a child into the world and expose them to my problems, serious problems that I could not begin to understand myself. I found it virtually impossible to TRY and justify raising a child when I could not even take care of myself. C) I was not married when I became pregnant. This seems to be a selfish reason to some, however it was not to me. I was raised without a father and I can testify that it really can mess with a child's life when there is not that father figure there to help with the life lessons that need to be taught to children (not to mention the love and acceptance that is needed by all children from their parents). D) I was in the middle of trying to complete college, to be one of the first in my family to have the opportunity to get a college education.

I feel that being able to provide for your children is important, and I knew that if I raised my children I would not finish college and more than likely would be working several jobs for the rest of my life just to put food in their mouths and a roof above their head. At the time, I could not provide a father for them, I could not provide the emotional stability in myself that I would need to raise them, and I definitely could not provide a home, stable job or any of the other things that are sooooo important in raising children. Of course, this is all my opinion of myself and my situation. Everyone's lives are different, everyone sees themselves differently than they appear to others. I had no problem admitting that I needed help at a time when so many others might be ashamed to ask for it.

That was when I was younger. As time went by, I healed my heart while keeping in touch with all three of my children's parents, if for nothing else so that they could tell my children how much I cared about them. I was fortunate to have wonderful parents that raised my adopted children and understood MY reasons for choosing adoption.

Years later I married my soul mate and of course we wanted a family of our own. 10 years is a long time, and so much can change and be learned in that amount of life. When it came time to deliver my son Bodde, you better believe that your exact question crossed my mind more than a few times. I had always worried about what my adopted children would think if I had children after them. I struggled with that emotion for a long time until the actual birth took place. After being with Bodde for a few days in the hospital we went home and it was in those quiet moments at home that I realized just exactly what I had given up, and exactly what I was able to give those parents. It is pretty powerful to feel the unconditional love from a child. I would not even be able to compare it to any other thing in life. It did not take long for me to realize that although I had missed so much in my adopted children's lives, I could not begin to measure what it was that I really gave to them in the long run. Loving parents who moved mountains to show them what life and love is all about.

I have been paid back in spades. My two boys that I am raising love their parents and their lives, and the same can be said for my adopted children as well

Just ... Peaceful

It's been one of those weeks. Content. Happy. Peaceful. Fulfilled.  Most of all, loved.

I had conversations with all of my adopted children this past week. Most of those conversations included laughter, lots of laughter. Those amazing young adults have such wit and I would like to think it is genes. After all,  I am pretty funny myself. Just kidding, but wait ... Who cares what it is! I talked to them. How amazing is that?

People told me it could not be done. Naysayers told me for years that there could never be a day when I would have a relationship with all of my adopted children. Never one to believe that line of thinking, I told them that I had hope. I always made sure that the lines of communication were open and here we are, twenty years later, technology that is in our living room and I have the ability and honor of chatting with them whenever the need or mood should stike us.

I say blessings. I say good plans that were followed through and lead to what is at the core of all good relationships: Communication. I cannot say that enough. Whether it is through snail mail, email, pictures, anything ... communication can lead to wonderful things in adoption. I have proof. I am living it. And it is AWESOME!

Not those life shattering conversations (you know the ones that REALLY mean great things?), but rather just little remarks and funny antidotes of what life is like. No need to complicate it all, they know they can ask me anything and I will answer to the best of my abilities. It is the casualness of the chats that we have that is so thrilling for me.

Little by little, I get to know them more. Hear their minds. See their hearts. I could not be any prouder of the individuals that they all are, and I think they know exactly how I feel about them ... as well they should. They are fortunate to have had the wonderful and understanding parents that they had, and I too am thankful that I did not scare the hell out of their parents with my "Hey! How ya doing! What are they up to? What do they like to do? What is their favorite colors? ... food? ... toys?" This week, I have been very thankful for them all.

Know what else has made my week fantabulous??? My children, Bo and Chase. They are two of the sweetest little guys you could ever meet! They both wrote me letters of love for Valentine's Day. They did not cringe when I showed up at school as Veronica Valentine dressed in crazy colors with hearts on me that screamed their names. Instead they embraced their crazy mother and relished in the squeals of the kids as I delivered candy to the classrooms as my alter ego. Both boys allowed me to take a nap the day I had a raging headache, keeping themselves occupied and quiet. Tons of kisses I received, most of them were on the cheeks because both have been quite sick at one point or another over the last 7 days. I have heard I love you Mom with no prompt, no ulterior motives attached. I have felt love ... deep sincere love from very pure hearts that teach me every single day what life has to offer.

Yes, this past week has been a very blessed one, and I am all about the blessings! Thank you to all of my children for accepting me for who I am, what I am and what I want to be! I love you!

American Adoption Congress Conference

I love the blogs that I follow! Many are personal blogs about adoption that make me think, make smile and some me help me learn more about this sometimes confusing world of adoption. So yesterday when I read a new post by one of my favs, I was pleasantly surprised at what she found.

Cat, which is not her real name ... I just call her that because of the title of her blog, made me privy to a non profit that I was unaware of until she so graciously educated me of their being. I always give credit where credit is due and since she found this wonderful organization I am going to let her tell you about it. Sounds to me like someone is getting it right somewhere!

Visit the blog Carrying A Cat By The Tail and this post for more information. You never know, this just may be the organization that you have been looking for to help you advocate for what you believe. Thank you so much for writing this Cat, and for sharing your knowledge with the adoption world!

From the post ... "promote honesty, openness, and respect for family connections in adoption, foster care and assisted reproduction through education and advocacy". AWESOME!!!!!!

 

Oprah Will Advocate What SHE Wants, and That Won't Be Adoption

I was just thinking that Oprah could be doing so much to help adoption. I was captivated by the interview she did with Piers Morgan, listening to her say that she wanted to be the voice that helped causes. She explained over and over again that she wants to leave her show so that her NETWORK can reach millions more with important issues.

Why then did she drop the ball with the adoption issue? Why has she not dedicated a whole week of her show to the many sides and stories of adoption? Now that her family has been touched with the issue, why not explore it and shine that Golden Oprah Light on all that can be done, and NEEDS to be done to help a flawed system? Maybe show folks that it is not something to be ashamed about, but that there is so much to learn in the topic? To let people know that there are always two sides, and in this case THREE sides, to every story....

I had such hopes. I was actually a little excited that she found out about her half sister because I thought for sure Miss O would embrace it and research it like she has done with so many issues before.

But alas, she has moved on with interviews of MC Hammer and retrospects of the last 20 years of her show. Guess adoption has not touched her life the way we all thought it would. Too bad. Her voice could have done so much for those of us who live in it everyday.