Monday, April 5, 2010

Why do people think Birth Mothers do not have morals? WHY?!?!?!?!

“They are a strong, Christian, pro-life family. They figured I must have had morals, since I kept him,” Stephanie said. ~

This statement ruined an otherwise great article I was reading about a woman who found herself pregnant at a young age and kept her baby. She continued with school, was able to pull her life together and she is now trying to teach teenagers that abstinence is the best solution for sexual deviance. It was a great read, until I hit that particular sentence...then I was just mad. So because I took responsibility for my actions and did what I thought was best for my child at the time, that means in some people eyes I have no morals? Because I asked for help at a time when so many would not or could not, I have no morals? Because I chose to let my children walk without me and have a life far better than I could have ever provided for them, I have no morals? Well, I have a few things to say about that and some of you may not like it.

Morals definition: 1) of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical: moral attitudes. 2) capable of conforming to the rules of right conduct: a moral being. 3) of, pertaining to, or acting on the mind, feelings, will, or character: moral support. I was raised in a home with strong morals and it was that strong upbringing that lead me to choose adoption for my children. I took responsibility for my actions and although it did not benefit me, I made a decision based on what I thought was best for my children at that particular time in my life, and more importantly, their lives. I was not able to care for a child then. I was not of sound mind and body to care for my children at the time. And since I have a deep religious faith, I asked God for his guidance to help with my heartbreaking decision to place my children with other families. I do not think that my morals were bad at the time, in fact, I think they were right on the money according to definition #1. I did not think that it was right that I should be raising children when I was already having a difficult time myself. I knew in my heart that I was not the right parent for them, I knew that. And when I asked God to help me, he confirmed to me that I was right in my thinking. How do I know that? Because he sent me the right parents to do so. He lead me to the couples that understood what I needed to know in order to relinquish my rights as their mother and allow them to be raised by another family. He helped me every step of the way and then some. 20 years later, He is still showing me that I made the right decision for my children in the way they think of me, are proud of me, and consider me a strong woman with an abundance of courage. I think to say that keeping your child in a difficult situation is the morally right thing to do is a slap in the face of all those women who live every day with a hole in their heart for doing what they thought was morally sound in their mind.

Does this article say that those that do choose adoption for their children are not moral? That is how I read it. But I am here to tell you that my morals were in line with what He wanted me to do. And the bottom line is that if He sees that I did what I thought was best, well, His opinion is what really matters. His and my children's opinion. As long as they understand that their mother loved them enough to admit that she could not raise them alone and did her best to make sure that were taken care of, well then I would say that my morals were right on the money.

It is statements like the one above that just make others think badly of birth mothers/first mothers and to me, that is a real shame.


Ken and Kelly said...

Thanks for this, I wish more people would understand birth mothers.

MrsPerrbear said...

As always, WELL DONE. Thank you for bringing to light one more ignorant view in the world of a birthmother. We make choices that tear us apart, yet build up other's lifes. It is from our loss that these "forever families" are created. Try as I might, I am really starting to get frustrated at the amount of people who forget that somewhere along the way.

You are one of the most loving, inspiring, and morally sound women I have ever had the pleasure to know. And many other birthmoms out there aren't so bad themselves. "Moral because I kept him..." That disgusts me. Perhaps she was moral for other reasons, perhaps she wasn't. Perhaps she couldn't handle the courage and the total lack of selfishness that it takes to make that decision, and then live with it. How can I know?

What I do know is that God was no less moral for giving his son up for the betterment of others. Ugh.

I love you Lady!

Rebekah said...

It's a shame in deed. I am so thankful that God judges us on matters of the heart and not what other people think of us...

LeMira said...

Wow. . . just wow. From my hopeful adoptive parental point of view, I wonder if that means that I'm immoral, too, because I hope to adopt a child because a mother chooses us to parent her child. I personally think that a mother's choice to place her baby for adoption is a most selfless, sacred act; and like Mrs. Perrbear, her actions reflect God's and His Son's actions of true sacrifice and charity.

Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

Oh ladies,
I am glad that you are reading. LeMira, you are not immoral at all. I was shocked at the sentence in the article for many reasons, but I think the whole sentence was a catch 22. "They are a strong, Christian, pro-life family. They figured I must have had morals, since I kept him." If they were pro-life and Christian, then I would think that they could see just how moral it is to make such a monunetal decision about the welfare, well being and happiness of one's child. I in no way meant to come across as saying that potential adoptive parents are immoral. I was just trying to make the point that to say she was moral because she kept him just makes those of us who did let our children walk without us look like unfeeling hosts. That, we are not.

Birth/First mothers are not just hosts to their babies while they grow in our womb. Our love and caring for them does not stop at birth. Matter of fact, it never ends. We live everyday knowing that out there our children are experiencing life, exploring themselves, learning to love and be loved...all without us. It takes so much courage to live with that everyday, and for the rest of your life. Once you become a parent, you are always a parent. No matter what. I find it very pecuiliar that people do not see how important the mother really is in this equation of adoption. Just because a paper is signed, that does not mean it all just stops. No one can explain to your heart that you have to stop feeling for that child because you put your signature on a piece of paper. It's like when people get divorced. They sign all kinds of papers to end the marriage, but with all that signing there is no way to forget what happened. No way to forget how you once felt for that person. No way to stop the hurt your heart feels to know that your love has died. Most would not call someone immoral for getting a divorce, they would feel sympathy and offer support. This does not happen often in the world of birth/first mothers. Too often people are so afraid of our inner strength that they cannot fathom what our brave hearts endure, and it is an ever evolving lifelong journey.

And you are absolutely right to agree with Pearberr, it is He who leads us through life and He set a wonderful example so long ago that letting your heart walk with out you is a noble choice, not an immoral one. I actually wrote a post here about that called God Chose Adotion for Jesus (12/2009). I surprised even myself with those thoughts.

Thank you all for you comments...I appreciate your responses.

Campbell said...

"I took responsibility for my actions and although it did not benefit me, I made a decision based on what I thought was best for my children at that particular time in my life, and more importantly, their lives. I was not able to care for a child then"


As I've always said and continue to say I have the utmost respect for my biological/birth/first mother and see nothing immoral whatsoever in her decision. I've always thought of it as an unselfish and loving act.

And, just my opinion, I think you give God too much credit. It's you who's been strong, positive and brave enough to do what you thought was best for your children.

LeMira said...

I really don't think I'm immoral for wanting to adopt, but I that statement made it sound like I must be according to her. (Sarcasm doesn't always translate well.) My husband and I have also made our choice to adopt with a lot of thought and many, many prayers. We don't go a day without praying about our choice. What you said in your comment about "once a mother, always a mother" is the exact conversation my husband and I had in the car today. Choosing to place a child for adoption is NOT the easy way out, and I think you explained it perfectly. We can only hope that we show our future child's birth/first mother the gratitude, respect and love she deserves.

I, too, think you are amazing and strong.

Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

Campbell, you humble me. Thank you for your beautiful words.