Cuts Like a Razor

As I said in the last post, since becoming a contributor for the magazine Adoption Voices I have been receiving many opinions from folks who feel the need to tell me how much they despise me. It's all good with me, because if I am making you mad then there are things I am saying that are true.

I am not one to shy away from confrontation, nor am I one to be walked over. I know a lot about adoption, and I know even more about living life without part of your heart with you. So if someone chooses to slam me for what I think, what I did or what I am trying to then they have the right to do so. The world would not be the same without debates, and we are better for it.

However, when I speak on this blog I am speaking from MY point of view. Not yours. Not hers. Not theirs. It is my opinion, and mine only. I do not choose to write to piss people off. I do not choose to write to force my opinions onto others. I write because there are many things I have experienced that may just help someone else on their journey. I choose to share my thoughts, my story and my opinions because in all my years living as a birth mother I have yet to meet another birth mother with a story remotely close to mine. I have two different experiences in adoption that are unique and so far have been quite comfortable for everyone involved. There have been issues here and there, but for the most part all of our lives have been enriched by the choice of adoption.

Why am I saying all of this? Because in my infinite wisdom I still have issues with others trying to silence me, trying to tell me I don't know what I am talking about. Perhaps you do not know just how many stories there are to explore out there. I have an open mind, I can listen to anyone and take away from that conversation what it is that you want me to come away with. I only ask that you have an open mind when reading what it is that I am trying to say.

And now I am off my soapbox, thanks for listening.

It's My Book, My Story, So Back Off

Writing about adoption sucks. It also can be quite rewarding, but for the most part it just sucks. I am fortunate for the people I meet that get me, who understand mothers have different stories. The people who can find places in their hearts & heads to open up and HEAR others. I love each and every one of you. All the others can stick it .... where ever you like, as long as it is far from me.

This is brought on and will explain why I have been absent for so very long from you, my faithful readers. Several months back I was introduced and became friends with a wonderful woman who asked me to contribute for her magazine. AWESOME! I was so excited, and I still am because she provides a platform for so many voices in adoption that I consider myself rather lucky to be involved. However, being on a larger, wider based publication will invite more of the lovelies. And yes, I am being sarcastic using a nice word to describe some very nasty human beings.

I have been attacked before, and I can handle anything someone wants to throw at me. It's cool, I am game for a little banter and perhaps enlightenment on a subject that has been a part of my life for so, so long. I have dealt with the nastiest of the lovelies and come out better for it, because there is nothing finer than a challenge to remind you just what you are made of, and more importantly what it is that you are wanting to do with your life.

This particular post will address an issue that some people have chosen to bring to my attention. Wait, let me rephrase: people have barraged me with messages expressing just how heartless and uncaring I am to exclude certain things from my book. Yes, MY book. The book that I wrote. The book that I wrote because for YEARS I could not find the book to say the things I was thinking. My book that tells MY story, a story that is unique yet has many similar qualities to others out there in the adoption triad.

Allow me to say this, I wrote my book based on my experience and what happened as I knew it. I am white. I am straight. I do believe that children need two parents in their lives. I know that it did make me sad to leave them, but it gave me great pride that I was able to ask for help when many would not. This is the story I told, because it is MY story. If the book does not follow your story completely, that is okay. People are different. Different colors, different religions, different ways to love. Please do not try to change my story to fit your life. If you like the book, share it with your kids. If you need to add or take out things to fit your situation, do so. If you do not like my book, then do not share it. I thank you for reading it, and appreciate your feedback as long as it is kind and respectful.

However, please do not ask me to rewrite my book to fit what your family looks like. Sure, it would be great if you could have exactly what your family looks like in a book and if that is what you want I am sure you can find a way to create your OWN masterpiece online. But to suggest that I am racist, biased, homophobic or anything else just because I wrote and drew the pictures that were in my mind is absolutely ridiculous. It is ridiculous and disrespectful.

So you contact other authors and ask them to change their characters to fit what you see in your mind? I hope not! We would not ask Leo Tolstoy to change the title from "War and Peace" to just "Peace" because we don't like the word war, would we?

I appreciate your thoughtfulness and thank you for your understanding in this matter .... eh?

Adoption Shame

Photo courtesy of Adoption Voices Magazine.

As many of you know by now, I am a contributor at Adoption Voices Magazine. This magazine is an amazing array of voices, all whom have lived with adoption in their lives. This time around, you will find an article from an adoptive father, an article about Dave Thomas, a recap of the book Primal Wound, an eye opening article from Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy titled 30 Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life .... and many more interesting points of view.


One of the articles is an offering I wrote for Jane starting to cover the shame in adoption. WHAT? Shame you say? Yes, there are many who do feel shame when it comes to adoption. This is just the first article in this category for me as I have a couple more in the works for AVM to publish at a later date. 


It is not an easy topic to discuss because I do not think anyone is comfortable talking about shame in their lives. But in order to shed light on all aspects of a my journey in adoption I feel it needs to be talked about. Feel free to read the article by clicking the link below, then come back to share your thoughts.

Adoption Shame ~ Adoption Voices Magazine

What A Homestudy Could Reveal

So there had to be something that brought me out of the land of life and back into the writings of the adoption triad, right? Yes and no. I have many musings in the waiting, but then this topic came along and it just rubbed me the wrong way. When I am rubbed the wrong way, it usually results in a post that unleashes the inner birth mother. Lucky you for coming to read ....

The topic stems from a question a hopeful adoptive parent asked on a forum. She asked if it was normal for the birth mother to ask for the home study. She then went on to ask if it was alright to deny the information from the prospective mother. She then put the cherry on top by saying that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody.

Oh there are far too many things wrong with this one for me. Let me start by saying this: in the two adoptions that I went through, not once was the home study of the parents offered to me for viewing. I knew that they existed because I read about them in the papers upon papers that I read during the process. What was offered to me were stacks of papers that I had to fill out for everyone to read. The attorneys. The Social Workers. The Doctors. The Ultrasound Guy. The Agency (Missouri only). The State. The Judge. The Typist. Lord knows just how many people MAY have read the information that I had to provide. And with every paper I filled out, there was a disclaimer that if I provided wrongful information I could be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Um .... okay.

I sat in interview after interview, retelling my reasons, my story, my life to many people. All in an attempt to do what I thought was best for my child. Sure, I knew some information about my families ... my daughter's family more than most .... but not to the extent that they would be reading about me. I filled out information about medical, mental, personal, business, education, life style ... you name it and I answered it. I remember in the first adoption there was actually a question about how I felt about abortion. Really?

Do you see my point lady with the questions? Do you understand that there is an awful lot of information that YOU would require to have on the person who is birthing your child, but you don't see the justification for her to have the same information about you? To purposely withhold that information from the mother is not a very good way to set the tone for future communication. I believe you need to understand that this decision for a mother is not easy, most of the time it is not welcomed and it comes at a time when a woman is quite vulnerable to anything and everything. (and I make that statement from my own personal experiences, not speaking for all birth mothers out there.)

I was okay with the first two questions because they seemed normal. But when I read "that was a lot of information to give to her, much less anybody", that is what really annoyed me. Hey! She is not just anybody. She is a woman, a mother who is trying her best to make the RIGHT decision for her child. You may just see her as a girl in trouble, a nobody that you would think differently of if standing behind her in a grocery line. She is not that young lady. She is someone who is strong enough to ask for help at a time when many would not, could not.

Stop being so selfish, keep in mind that what you are gaining in life will be forever a hurt for another woman, another mother. Maybe having more information than is needed could bring her some comfort. Maybe she could identify with you on a level you never thought of because she read something in your file, something that she connected with. Don't be scared of her, embrace that she wants to know more about you, about how you live, about how her child will live. It might seem intrusive to you, but it could mean the world to her.

It seems to me that too often birth parents are seen as people just looking for a reason to not choose a prospective parents. That is not the case at all. Birth parents are choosing not for themselves, but for their children. Please keep that in mind.

TLC's Birth Moms .... hmmmm

Thursday night TLC aired a program called Birth Moms. I had read a few things about it, but to be honest I have been so busy that I forgot it was on. That was until I ventured onto Facebook to update the Little League page and saw multiple posts from friends about this show.


The comment that I read intrigued me because it was nothing that I would not expect from something of this nature. But some of them were very upset and I figured that I might be able to catch it on an encore presentation, and lucky for me it was on.


It was very hard to watch. Three girls, all from different backgrounds, all with children prior to the current pregnancy were living in a group home/apartment complex waiting to have their babies and complete their adoption process. Well, of course there is going to be drama, that is what people want. And of course the programing will be put into the reality category because that is what it is, real life. It was this combination as well as the drinking, smoking, cursing and shoplifting of one of the mothers. She was the one that had everyone in a bunch and rightfully so. She was a pretty degrading example of what a birth mother is. Comments from others had already tipped me off to what I was going to see, but the longer it went on ... the more I could see everyone's point.


However, I stuck with it and I have to say that there were things that I liked very much about the show. It was not until the last 25 minutes or so that TLC saved themselves with the broadcast. It was pretty amazing to see that they were with the girls through the birth and then after when their hearts began to break down. I was pleased to see that TLC did not shy away from how very difficult and gut wrenching relinquishing rights can be. I mean I was still, breathing ever so lightly so that I could hear everything those girls were saying. To see their faces, to know exactly what they were thinking in those moments just before and just after they put their signature to the paper .... I was very, very pleased to see this process so raw, so honestly. Why? Because EVERY WOMAN that is considering adoption should know how difficult it is, and they should know that it will hit them like a ton of bricks when it is there, black and white in their face ... they will not be with their child. Not ever. Not like a mom would be, night and day, colds and health, sadness and joy ... it is all gone with a stroke of a pen.


That part of the journey is rarely seen, and more so it is rarely talked about. The tall tale sign in those moments was the look of shock on the social workers face. I could see that she was ill prepared for what she would witness and both could not get out of the room quick enough. I am not say that I am happy for these girls sorrow and pain. Obviously that is not what I am pleased with. I want all women and men to know what it is that they will be doing when considering adoption, what it will mean for the rest of their lives. So good on TLC for filming that and keeping it in the show.


Another good point to Birth Moms in that last 10 minutes was the moments they chose to show with the adoptive parents. One couple, infertile with two failed adoptions were there for every step of labor and the joy in their becoming a family was wonderful to see. The other couple had three children of their own and wanted to adopt. Taylor, their birth mother and the one that I connected with the most, had only met them the night before and was really struggling with her decision. She waited a little longer than the mandatory time, but she did in fact sign the papers so her son could go home with the couple she chose. Then, the biggest surprise for me came when they were with the parents. The father, holding the baby and quietly crying tears began to speak about how he would make sure that every day of his life he would sing the praises of his birth mother. He would make sure that his son knew the sacrifice his birth mother endured and will endure so that her son could have a life with his family, be raised with love and understanding that she was a good person. He stressed that his family would embrace Taylor the way they were embracing her son, that they would always see her as family. To see that side, that pure affection for a woman who touched their lives with a new life, a new child ... it was wonderful. 


Those last 20 minutes made the show worthwhile, so if you did not watch beyond the Mexican Restaurant then go find it and finish it out. You might be surprised by what you see, even Candice becomes human after going off the deep end just two weeks prior. 

I think if it is going to be a series, TLC should seek out women in ALL stages of this birth mother journey. There are some brilliant voices both for, and against, that so many can benefit from. I would hate to see this be the 16 & Pregnant of TLC. They have an opportunity to shed some real light, light that would only benefit those out there. Let's hope that if it comes to that, we can all help each other be heard to share more stories that are adoption.

Oh the Joy of Being Assasinated

This past week has been great. Just peachy. I have heard tons of things in my lifetime as soooooo many people just love to let me know what a vile and disgusting human being I am. However, a couple of new ones cropped up this week. One called me a "useless consumerist careerbot", claiming I chose adoption because my children "were cramping her lifestyle". I had an anonymous comment on my Formspring that told me I was "brainwashing a new generation" of children with my book. Another one wants to spit on my shoes saying I am a "happy abandoner".

All because I am Kelsey Stewart. I breathe, therefore they hate me. It's all good. I understand that women like me bring about feelings of rage and anger, some to a level that you have to resort to name calling and junior high behavior.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than to bully someone else. Better yet, someone you don't know from Adam. Assuming so much about someone from ONE LITTLE ARTICLE. I tell my story all the time, and often there is a legion that comes about to voice how despicable I am. What an evil and repugnant human being I am.  This because they know me.

Not. At. All.

Yep, been dealing with the haters for a while and I pay them no attention. Funny thing is, they keep saying the same things over and over. I hear victim from their mouths all the time. They tell others not to use words like rage, bitter or anger ... yet they spew it all over the place and never think twice about how ironic it is to do so. I find it rather humorous that one person, one voice out here in the world can cause so many to just explode. Spontaneous combustion on their keyboards. What is going on in your life that you need to randomly seek out people and question their truths? What gives you the right to pass judgement on others, especially people you do not know?


I have not written 30% of what I know about adoption, there is more to come. Sure, having a positive point of view is RARE in the world of online adoption talk. I have no problem admitting that the road has not always been good. It has not always been what it is for me now. I have told of my problems, issues and all the rights that need to happen in adoption. But there is NO WAY someone can tell me that what I have experienced did not happen. Just because adoption has not been in YOUR favor does not mean that is the way it is for everyone. I know this because you choose to tell me. All. The. Time.

But regardless of how many times you tell me that I am a delusional, ignorant, coerced,  happy bee mommy the more it drives me to make you crazy and speak my mind. We all have room. The world is a big place. I am not going away, nor will I change my writing style, or have my mind changed, or fall of my unicorn into a field of rainbow cupcakes. How about you take your own advice and LISTEN to others and their TRUTHS. After all, that is the courtesy I have given you, is it not? 


Thanks for keeping me on my toes ladies, you know I love that you visit me and follow what I am up to. Obviously you see me as a threat, so I must be doing something right.

PS...to the lovely soul who complained that my book looked like an untalented 5th grade student told a story. Here's a news flash: It's a children's book. Kids like things that look like they may have drawn them, so I chose a style that would appeal to them. Duh.

This Is Not Adoption, So Don't Bring The Word Into This Case!

Normally I do not write immediately after something affects me. I give it a while so my brain can take it in and then I form my thoughts. That is all out the window after the disgusting segment I just saw on the Today Show.


Somehow, someway Kristy Gaffney was duped by a man she met online and has lost custody of her child she had with him. What the hell does this have to do with adoption? I would think nothing. But alas, I am wrong in this case. You see, not only was she duped by him in love ... but she was duped all the way around! This man, whom she had a relationship with for 18 months, was married to another woman the entire time. He strung Kristy along telling her he loved her, he wanted to have a family with her, he wanted to marry her. What a crock!


With talk of family, marriage and buying a house Kristy became pregnant with his child and thought nothing of it other than to be happy that her dreams were coming true. With his name not on the birth certificate after the baby was born, he asked Gaffney to sign some paperwork allowing him to claim his right as the baby's father. In that lie he set up his "adoption". This man (who used a fake name while dating Ms Gaffney) visited the mother and child one night about two months later and asked if he could take the baby with him for the evening. That was the beginning of the nightmare. He kidnapped (although that word is no where in this story!) the child, then told Kristy that he was married and was going to adopt the baby and he and his wife would be raising as their own.


Where in there can you even fit the word adoption? How can anyone see this as adoption? It is not, so please do not call it that. I am just furious that this case is out there. I am livid that the court system cannot help this woman and her plea that this man is a fraud, and therefore anything he said or had her sign should be null and void. I am offended that the word adoption is attached to this case. And don't even get me started on this monster's attorney who pleaded with Ms Gaffney to not bring media attention to this case. Hey buddy! Why don't you read up on what your ethical obligation is in a case like this, I am pretty sure that YOU can see that your client is IN THE WRONG!


I just cannot believe that this situation can be called adoption. It is grossly misrepresented and the court system should know when they see something that is by far an injustice.


Please see this link for the complete story. (You can also goggle her name and come up with many other articles as this story really broke at the beginning of February.) 

What are your thoughts about this? Am I just crazy or is this an example of what is wrong with our judicial system when it comes to what is, and what is not, adoption?


Photo of Ms Gaffney is curtsey of Wiki News.

Valentine's Memories .... and Pick Me Ups!

When I first started blogging I made a comment on a site that I thought was for birth mothers. It was a site for birth mothers, but I did not know that they were birth mothers against adoption. My comment infuriated them and soon I was in the middle of a smack down and degradation of my character and my name. I was not at all used to this kind of behavior and often found myself shocked and appalled at what other mothers were writing about me and to me when they did not even know who I was! 

This past week, a dear friend has experienced the same type of behavior and I felt that today, of all days, would be a great time to re post this piece I wrote while in the middle of that difficult time in my life.  It's about how my adopted daughter lifted my spirits, and helped me realize that despite what people say ... I know I did the right thing by her.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, and especially my children. And I do mean ALL of my children! 

Divine Intervention

PS ... Veronica Valentine will return today as she does every year to spread love and happiness to all! Once she is finished with her awesomeness, I will post pictures of her from this year!

Satan's Sister

This is a continuation of the last post ....


Have you ever had someone tell you what to do? Have you ever had someone tell you what to do in a rude and inconsiderate way? Yeah. It is not pleasant, not in the least. This was me sitting in the office of the new social worker that I had only heard of two days before. She called me and said, very sweetly I might add, that she was assigned my case and I should come to see her just to finalize some paperwork regarding the adoption. I was asked to go to Clayton, where the courts of St. Louis are located, and report to her office at precisely 3 pm. It was a hot day. I wore the nicest mumu I could find to cover my large shape. I did my hair to no avail because of the blanket of humidity, thank you Mighty Mississippi.


My mother drove me and it was a normal ride to the busy area, nothing out of the ordinary. The office was small and we had very hard folding chairs to sit on. Social worker comes out and introduces herself to my mother, and then myself. Petite, pale and blank face she had cold hands that felt a bit rough. Her hair was pulled up in a tight bun, and her glasses framed her dark eyes. She asked me to come into her office, and told my mother to stay in the waiting room.I told her that I did not mind if my mother came with me, but she told me that since I was an adult she needed to speak to me alone. I was not happy about this, and I became uncomfortable with her and the building I was in.


I stepped into her dimly lit closet of an office and she told me to take a seat. What followed was nothing short of terrorism. Her face changed immediately and there was no mistaking that I had somehow pissed her off. She began to speak at me, not to me. She started off telling me that the State of Missouri knew what I was up to and that they were going to take the case from the lawyer that I had retained. I was informed that I had done everything illegally, I was not going to be allowed to place my child with the family that I chose and I would have no say in what I knew about my child. This dragon explained to me that all I had done in my adoption process so far was wrong. I could not know the family, where they lived, what they would name her, AND by no means would it be an open adoption. Let's. Be. Clear. About. That.


She went on and on. Her tone was condescending. Her demeanor was frigid. She was rude in her commands. I was shocked. I tried to contemplate what was happening, and it hit me that she could care less about me or this baby. She was like a robot going on about how awful I was, that I had no right to ever think I could KNOW my child as she grew. I began to ask myself questions in my head. Is she serious? How can this be happening? Who from the State made the decision to do all of this so close to the due date? I wonder if she has children? How could another mother talk to me this way, treat me like this knowing I was trying to do what is best for my child? I asked her out loud. She ignored me. I asked again. She kept yapping. I raised my voice a little and demanded: 

"Do you have any children?" 
She stopped, looked over her glasses and replied, "No, I do not." 
Without missing a second I said, "Then who the hell are you to tell me what I can or cannot do with my baby? You don't know what this is like, do you? How can you possibly understand the loss that I am about to face? What gives you the right to talk to me like a child, like I have not thought about this ... researched this ... ached over this decision for months? All I am doing is asking for help, trying to do what I think is right by my daughter, that child you keep talking about is a girl not a thing. I don't want to be in this position, but I am..."
She did not let me finish. With a red face and clearly irate she shot back, "Well then you should have kept your legs closed."


I looked at her. She then said a few more things and then quickly told me that she would be in touch. As she rose from her evil throne, I noticed that my legs weighed 200 lbs a piece. Nausea washed over me, I could feel the cold sweat forming on my forehead and at the base of my back. I wanted to get up, but felt like I had just been punched in the face. Should I throw up on her pointy witch shoes? Think I might. My tongue swelled and did not allow me to say one word. I could not take a deep breath because of the 1,000 pound weight that was just slammed into my chest. I do remember that. I finally got up, swayed a little as I reached down for my purse next to the chair. It was then that I noticed the walls of her office were green.


She opened the door and did not walk me out. She said she would call, and then closed the door. My mother looked up from her magazine and was immediately alarmed. I wore it on my face. I just stood there for a minute, still reeling from the comments that Satan's sister spewed at me for the last 45 minutes. I looked at the clock again. Really? It was 45 minutes? Did I miss something? What just happened? I told my mother that we had to go, we needed to leave right then and there. She said nothing and walked with me to the elevator. On the way down I think I was hyperventilating but can't be sure because I was trying to stay upright and not pass out. Once we were in our car, I spilled it all. I told her everything and left not one detail out. I was hysterical and inconsolable. As I explained the look that the social workers face, I saw my mother's face become still. Red. Squinting eyes. Absolute anger. This was not over, not nearly over. I wasn't too sure who would be the bigger thorn in Missouri's side, me or my mother. One thing I did know, this was not at all acceptable.


To be continued ...

This Fighting Heart

Photo credit: http://www.fhfishmemorial.org/

When you fight for your heart, it is best to get the hell out of the way. Most of the time what we fight for is love. Be it love for our family, love for our passions, love for our politics, or love for another person ... be it friends, co workers, lovers ... love is the ONE thing that people will agree is worth fighting for.

Some 20 odd years ago, I fought for love. I was but a lowly sinner who found herself asking for help when others would have not been brave enough to ask. I was 19 and in a relationship that was not going to last long enough, not nearly enough. I was in college, trying to make a better life for myself through education while working 30+ hours a week to fund such dreams. I was seeing a therapist to dig deeper into my psyche in order to find the true reasons I was so angry with my father. I was struggling through a life realization that as if I did not have enough on my plate, I was contemplating bringing a child into my already mixed up world. I was pregnant.


Now, understand that at the end of the 80's people were very self absorbed and this cynical society that we now live in, I think, was born of this decade of outlandish decadence that left people feeling a little invincible, a little eccentric. To admit that you might need some help with something was often seen as a weakness, a flaw. I spent a large part of 1986-1989 seeking help for my heartache, my sorrow that was left from a childhood of being hoodwinked by someone I so desperately wanted to be loved by. Finding my boyfriend when I did I felt I was finally getting that break I needed in love. That break that might just help my heart heal. Kind, funny, handsome and quite chivalrous he seemed to be all that I was looking for.


But it all changed, and soon our paths were not as parallel as they had been when we met. I won't go into details, but he was not going to be THE ONE. This was the single most important factor that had me reeling when I heard the words from my doctor, "My dear, you are pregnant." I grew up without my father in the home and my mother had lived a lifetime making excuses, reassuring me that I was loved and agonizing daily what this absence was doing to her little girl. I knew her life all too well. Single. Struggling. Heartbroken. Damaged. I understood immediately that having a child without her father around would be a lifetime of ... well, it's just hard to explain if you have not been there yourself and quite frankly it would be a HUGE post!

Once I chose adoption for my child, it became a battle that I was not at all prepared for. Why you say? Did you not know things? Were you unprepared to relinquish your child? Were you not provided the information of this kind of decision? Don't start jumping to conclusions just yet. I DID know the laws, what my rights were, what I could or could not do and so on. I understood the psychological repercussions that I would face, and knew the risk that my child would face because of my decision for her as well. What I did not expect was the horrific trials I would face with my home State of Missouri. After months of preparing, months of meetings, papers to read and settling into the home stretch of just one month to go I thought I was well adjusted and not really ready for it, but rather ready to head into the unknown. 


Oh wait, Missouri said. No. No you cannot. We will tell you what to do, when to do it, and how WE are going to place YOUR child FOR you. This was the gist of a phone call I received one month to the day of my daughter's due date. ONE MONTH! My heart imploded in my chest and the anger shot my blood pressure to the Moon. This starts the story of my fighting heart. My brave heart story. A story that will continue through out this week. 

I have to leave it at that because I need more space to spill it. So until then ....

What An Awful Thing To Say

Oh no you didn't!

I am doing some research for an article that I am writing and yesterday I asked a question on my Facebook Page and the responses were astounding, heartbreaking and down right jaw dropping.

I try to look at the positive side of things and ultimately I see the good in my journey through adoption. I asked this question because I really am curious to know which side gets the worst of it. Turns out, all sides of the triad of both adoption and foster care get some pretty incomprehensible things said to them, not just by complete strangers but even worse, those they know and love. 

So I ask this question of all my readers and passerby's:

What is the most negative thing someone has said to you regarding adoption?

Please know I ask this with respect and my intent is to write about these responses in a future article. No names will be used, I will only identify what side of the triad you speak from.

I welcome all to answer with as much explanation or as little as you like.

Riddle Me This....

Why is it that I cannot go anywhere in social marketing without someone schooling me on being a birth mother? I know all the generations sonny, I understand the repressed laws and awful social stigmas that come with being a birth mother. I know that not all birth mothers have my story or the outcome that I have. I know this. I get it. And just because I HAVE had a good experience in adoption does NOT MEAN I do not understand.


If I tell some of my story, perhaps I am doing so because people need to know that open adoption CAN work sometimes. If I decide to do giveaways of my book it is not because I am all happy go lucky about adoption, it is because I am trying to help people see what our side is like, what we go through not just at the time of the adoption but for every single day after. If I choose to sound happy it is because I am and I see nothing wrong with being happy in life. 

Stop telling me who I am not. Stop stalking me to push your agenda on my life. Stop with all coercion talk and try seeing someone else's point of view, would you? NOT everyone in adoption is as unhappy as others ... and if someone is content in adoption then put your jealousy away and just let that person be.

Especially me! I thank you for reading, but if you want to personally attack me then send me an email. I would be more than happy to address you directly and really talk about these issues. Otherwise, read ... drink it in ... and move on. Every life has a story to it, and no ones story is going to change because you say it should.

Shoving It Down Our Throats

And most of all, may we all remember to be thankful for everyday that WE still have left. May we remember to do what we can to be the best that we can possibly be. May we all remember to take time to live life, and love what we have around us.

Those were the words that I last left you with. I was talking about 9-11 and the unity that many, if not all, of us felt those weeks, months and few years that followed that unforgettable day. I wrote about it for a reason.

In the Internet adoption world there are many, many stories. That leads to many different facets of chat rooms, websites, blogs and Facebook pages that are formed to accommodate those groups. There are sites for adoptee, sites for adoptive parents, and there are sites for birth mothers. I know and have joined several on all sides so that I can continue to educate myself in the world of which I live. The sites for birth mothers though, that is where I spend a majority of my time and for good reason: I am one.

Recently there has been a rash of good groups or sites that have been started that only fizzle because of the actions of others. I have talked before about this plague, but I have noticed as of late it is just getting out of control.

Hey, if you have had a horrible experience as a mother, I understand. I know you don't think I do, but I do. In my time as one, I have come across a MAJORITY of birth mothers who have NOT had all roses & unicorns. I don't believe that ANY journey in adoption is going to be without a bad time. There are mothers who have reasons, very very good reasons to be pissed. There are mothers who have reasons for wanting to make sure that every single birth mother knows the dangers that are out there, the deceit that has and still does happen today. I say, speak your truth no matter how hard it is for someone else to hear.

However, saying your peace is totally different than shoving negative thoughts and feelings down someone Else's throat. ESPECIALLY if that someone else is a new birth mother who is just trying to get started healing. Looking for a support group and finding what you think will be wonderful can so easily be shattered with words of hate, disgust and complete disregard for human kindness. Want to drive a mother looking for help into a pit of despair? Then hound her all day long with awful stories of bad adoptions, long lists of serial killers that were adopted, blogs of adoptees who call their birth mothers "dead" or "bitch" or post articles about all the horrors of the earlier eras in our country's history that made all unwed pregnant women out to be whores.

Enough is enough. Say your peace if you must, feel free to voice that concern you have for others because those who need to hear those words will reach out to you for more information. And. Leave. It. At. That. No need to post 5 or 6 times a day. No need to ask those painful, personal questions on open forums. Just stop the hounding. Stop the picking. Stop the bullying. Leave those places that offer positive voices because they obviously make you mean. Just let those women get what they are seeking, which is understanding and support.

This is my nice way of saying shove it to the haters.

Looking for it will bring it!

Been staying away from the drama of the adoption world for a while now. I have not come across too many heart stabbing comments, at least not as many as I used to. Perhaps that is because I have not gone out looking for them, therefore I have not been too annoyed with anons lately.

No shoe is going to drop here, there is not a "however" or "until I saw this" to this post. I realized that perhaps I was looking for those comments to have something to talk about. Sure, I come across them from time to time ... the comments that just shock me or make me cringe because of the cold and callus manner in which they are thrown across the computer screen. But as of lately, haven't seen them.

I know that I could find them, but I really do not want to. I like it when I am not shocked by what people think of birth mothers, or adoption for that matter. Life is different for everyone out there. Not one life has lived the same as another no matter how hard it is attempted. No two people are alike, at least not exactly, so no two people are going to agree 100% of the time. And as we all know, in adoption there can be one word that just sends people off into their own world far away from those that they thought they were close to.

I guess my point is that if you go looking for the aggravation, then you will find it. Then, once you find it ... it is as if your mind just wants to take a hold of it and run. Run into that disagreement, run into that desperate or angry manner in which you try so hard to make someone else see your side that you begin to doubt what it is that you believe. You don't have to go there. You don't have to argue your points to someone who might not understand your side of it. Sure, it might feel good to get it off your chest and if that is what you are truly trying to do then keep up the good work. Just don't loose yourself trying to talk with the wrong people. If you let it in, you have to decide what you will do with it. See their side of it, or create your own opinion. Either way, it will take some self searching to learn how to handle the feelings and emotions that maybe, just maybe you have been avoiding as to not come to terms with what you do not want to face.

Not Today!

Sometimes you just have to push away the negativity that comes with being a birth mother. To shun it, to say no. This was one of those days...

Had a lovely weekend with the Scouts. We camped in the mountains and it rained about 70% of the time, but we were able to get in the Grand Campfire tales under a star filled sky last night. It was beautiful, with a crispness to the air that made all the Scouts either want to scoot close to the fire or snuggle up on their mom or dad's lap. The weekend event did not follow any of it's own schedule or timeline, no one stayed dry in their tents, the kids and dads played mud-filled flag football and there were plenty of tiny teeth shining through happy little smiles all weekend long.


Got home feeling so good about life, so good about the gracious little men that we are raising and so good to be not wet ... HA! Then I sat down to check my emails, comments and other cyberspace communication that I had been lacking in for three days. (Believe it or not, it was quite enjoyable being out of touch!) There was a comment from someone and in that juicy tid bit of yapping, she called me a birthditz. Hmmmmm, that's new. I have often been accused of farting rainbows but this conjunction was so new it kind of took me back when it saw it. Birthditz. Nice. Way to love your neighbor.


Then I made the concious decision to laugh at it. Not going to ruin my weekend, not this time. I laughed then hit the big delete button because mentality like that has no place in my life. Thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to enlighten me with a new nickname, but I think I will pass on your negativity today.


Just one more reason why I advocate.  To tell my story. To be honest while doing it. To make sure people understand just what it is like to live with ignorance. Oh you can call me names, curse my actions and try to push me down, but I will get right back up and move on just like I always have.


So here's to you, Mrs. Closeminded Adoption Hater ...... words are only that, words. Yours do not matter to me.

Attacked By Your Own

I have been reading too much lately. Remember that last post that said I felt icky, well this past week has been one of those weeks that my eyes were accosted. My heat felt daggers. My soul was rocked reading the words of others. The most disturbing part was that those words, those swords that cut so deep, those relentless letters that formed such painful thoughts, those words were spoken from other mothers of loss. I know these mothers, I read them often. Why? Because there is something to be learned from them. They have a different experience that was a very dark part of not just adoption history, but our nation's history.

The mothers that I speak of are the mothers of the Era of Mass Surrender, or EMS, or for some the Baby Scoop Era, or BSE. Their stories, their memories are nothing less than horrific. I am not making light of the issue, I mean what I say. I cannot speak for them and will not try, but know that these women were not given a choice, often were coerced to relinquish their rights as guardians to their children, some were drugged, some were blatantly lied to, it goes on and on. There are so many voices from that generation of degradation of unwed mothers it is just a terrible part of history. They have something to say and made their voices known. I am thankful that they are out there, talking and reminding everyone that this actually existed in our history, so that it is not repeated ever again.

I believe that it was those voices, those advocates for mothers of loss that helped create what is now considered open adoption. How? Well, there are many documented studies that show that what used to be the tactics of getting parental rights was not legal, nor was it in the best interest for anyone! What it did show was forced adoption was not a healthy way to adoption. Laws were put into place, wording was changed, more attention was given to the wants of the mother, and for future generations like me ... well it showed the states that railroading a mother would not work. I spoke my mind, kept my cool and eventually was able to see my children grow. I know that when I was pregnant, this whole idea of open adoption was still very new, very innovative, very controversial. It was controversial because these women began to speak up, they started to share their stories and band together as a force, they wanted to change adoption. They were being heard. Things changed, but I don't think they changed the way they thought it would.

So from this change comes a different generation of birth mothers, oh yes I did say those words and for very good reason. A generation of women who were influenced not only by those in the same shoes before them, but a whole slew of women who were influenced by a period of time when women were rising up the respect ladder with activists like Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug and Betty Friedan, women of strength with a voice. This generation was very different from the generation before it, women were being heard beyond what had been allowed before and the concept of open adoption was coming about in a whole new light. I know that these two sides of a mother's view are like night and day. They are. And sometimes a conversation between them will take ugly turns, dangerous curves and some straight aways that will have your heart racing 100 miles an hour.

I get it, I know that there cannot be a middle ground for some. I know that they are just as passionate about telling their story as I am about telling mine. What I don't get is the attacks. It seems to me that what these ladies are forgetting is that time when they were going through their pain, struggling with the loss, trying to make sense of it all. It is such a lonely place. It seems that you are the only one who is going through it, that no one could understand. What they did not have was the wonderful benefit of the world reading their thoughts. I wonder if they think about the effect that all this Internet has on a new or even somewhat seasoned birth mother? The fact that so many can come in and just rip you for your beliefs, your truths as you know them? Sure, there were those that may have told them face to face over the years. But, did they ever have complete strangers come into their living room and talk to poorly to them, speak so disrespectfully to them? I would think not. I would think that they could remember such a heart wrenching time in their lives and realize that they may just be hurting more than they are helping. To talk so poorly to FELLOW mothers, to keep commenting about how others do not know their own stories, to wrangle friends to go comment and harass mothers looking for support, to refer to those mothers wanting to help others as cult leaders ... well, who wouldn't be disturbed reading all of this? Who wouldn't need counseling reading all of this? Who wouldn't want to crawl in a whole and hide away from the world reading all of this?

Such a shame that sometimes our toughest critics are those who should be able to understand, but who choose not to. I appreciate your voices, but you have to know when to leave people alone. Sometimes it almost borders on terrorism.

Prickly Post of Posers

So the last post was about women who pose as pregnant only to scam adoptive parents in return of sick entertainment. I read quite a few blogs about adoption and many of them are not as happy about the triad as I am. I read them not to torture myself or get angry over someones words, I read to learn from them, to see all sides and think of how I would handle those situations that they speak of. I believe that knowledge is power and the more you learn, the better off you are. This leaves me to be an intelligent thinker and I found myself with some thoughts that I did not write about, but I will now.

The thought came across my mind ... 'What if these schemers are really adoptees that are so frustrated or angry they are taking it out on these adoptive parents? I wonder if they would do that?' I know, it is a big accusation to make and I am sure that some of you are sitting with your mouths open. I still wondered it though because if you could read some of the things I have seen, well, I didn't just pull it out of nowhere. There is endless talk of how adoptive parents are just out to buy babies and it is all about the money. It is brought up over and over again leaving the readers to think very poorly of couples looking for families. I have seen, and been involved with, wicked banter between adoptees and birth mothers over many issues and the bottom line is that the adoptees are pissed off for good reasons, most importantly they want to be heard, but they chose to take it out on other people. I pondered the thought while reading a discussion posted about the same scammer on three or four different groups on a social network that I follow. It was indicating that the newest member was in fact a lying birth mother who had been caught before. I posted a link to my last post and said ..."if you are a scammer, read this before you write anything here." Or something like that. Two days later, another discussion started from a new name, so I read it. Guess what? It was an adoptee that was deceiving all of these people, it was her that had posed as several different people saying she was interested in placing her child for adoption. It was, in fact, an adoptee.

I am looking like a genius at this point, in my own mind that is. Not a pride thought, but rather it was very sad thought. Somewhere down the line this girl was lied to. It resulted in a very angry, confused, frightened and lonely young lady who probably just wants to know if her mother ever thought about her. Very sad when I think about it. But I had to give it to her, at least she fessed up and gave her reasons why she did it. No consolation of course, but she faced the music non the less and even stated that she knew writing it would only bring negative remarks. This behavior is a no win situation and unfortunately this is going to turn ugly for some of you reading, but I want you to stick with me because there is a very important point to make here. We all know what the girl did that was wrong, but let me tell you what many will do that is wrong in the aftermath. When this happens to a couple or hopeful parent it is devastating, no doubt about it and I am not at all taking anything away from that. I know heart crushing deceit. What I am talking about is the effect that it has on the hopeful parents and their ability to look past this setback when they meet another mother. Some will be carrying that first stab in the back for some time, leery of any others. Some will find a way to learn from it and grow. Either way, there is some resentment for birth parents that is now set, no turning back. There is going to be some things said to family members because emotions are running high, these parents to be whose heart has been broken and they feel they are back to square one.

I only ask you to think about what you are saying to the people that are around you when it comes to birth parents. If this by any chance happens to you, this horrible web of lies these girls and women* set for people, think about how others will perceive birth parents as a whole. You are going to say things and make assumptions and it will darken your heart, turn you against all that you believed in. I cannot imagine what it is like to experience that, but I do know how negative talk affects people. I have seen what it can do to a child. I understand that if you already have a child, they may have been excited about having a brother or sister, but don't tell them that people are deceitful, people tell lies and are bad. Tell them that sometimes things do not work out. Tell them that sometimes in life we don't always get what we want, but we don't have to let our hopes die with one setback. Don't tell them that it's the birth mother's fault, or that she was a bad person for some reason because it will really make it hard for that child, or any adult for that matter, to understand that not all birth parents are the same. When the next one comes along, you want to be just as open, just as personable. This kind of thing, unfortunately, is a pothole on this road but don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. I know, you had plans, you were telling people, your hopes were high, you had happy thoughts. Nothing I can say will help your pain. I cannot imagine because I have not been there, but I do know the other side. Negativity produces discontent, and discontent is not good in any adoption.

I have seen how others think of me just because of the role that I have as a mother. A birth mother for 20 years. A mother after placement for 10 years. A mother with a voice. A mother trying to change things for the better. I do speak of the here and now and I speak of what I know as my truths, my experiences and my own journey in life. I only want others to understand that the whole triad of adoption hurts. No matter which part you are in, there is hurt. So why would anyone add to it intentionally? What does that say about them as a person? Haven't we all had enough hurt to last 1,000 lifetimes?

*Because of the story leading into this statement, it is not my intention to say that all scammers are adoptees . Most scammers are those looking to make a buck, or at least has been in the past. Before the Internet most women had to actually meet the parents ahead of time so most were pregnant, but then disappeared with the baby after birth. It is a whole other post that I could do, but I really am not ready to delve into it right now.