Anyone who knows me knows that I am a positive person. I often hear..."Geez Kels! What makes you so happy? Are you ever down?" Well, yes. I do have my crap days from time to time. But for the most part I am always on the bright side. I use my great outlook to guide me to live in a good way. I love to help people, I volunteer for just about everything that involves my kids, I treat others the way I want to be treated and I know a smile makes me smile, so why not just do it randomly all day? Spread love, don't hate. This is how I was raised and this is how I choose to live. And it is a choice, believe me. It always takes more energy to be positive about something than it does to be negative, for me at least.
I recently expressed this happiness in a comment on a blog. You see, I thought that I was answering a question about relinquishing children for adoption and how mothers felt about their decisions years down the line. Two decades is a long time and my views have changed over the years, so I made a comment. What followed was nothing short of a crucifixtion of my character. I had unknowingly entered what many would call an Anti-Adoption blog. No worries, the responses were nothing that I had not heard before and I calmly answered questions and squashed assumptions. More people popped up to shout out their disgust of certain words. I reassured them that I was not trying to be disrespectful, and I explained a little more about myself. Several more showed up judging me, and yet again I responded tactfully yet openly about my journey along with some of the issues that I faced. On...and on....and on, back and forth it went all week long. It was exhausting. The words were so harsh, the voices so disgusted that it just made my heart hurt the more I read. I could have stopped going back, I could have just let them talk, make accusations and twist my interpretation of my adoption experience. Most would say that I SHOULD have stopped going back. But just like I want to be heard for my positive view, I knew that they were looking for the same respect...to be heard.
It started to take its toll, I was feeling so down about adoption. I am not saying that they were changing my mind or anything, I was just aching learning what they had been through. You see, many of them did not have a choice like I did. Many of them were forced or coerced into giving up their children. I had such a different experience from them, I truly did make a choice for my children. I finally had to stop reading for a couple of days, just needed to breathe and enjoy what was in front of me...two boys who see the world in me. I, ever the positive, was needing a boost of love, I was needing a sign that what I was fighting for was right. I do not like to live in the negative, yet that was what was happening in just talking with these women. I needed something to show me that I was not wasting my breath. I needed some help in my heart. So like I often do, I prayed little prayers here & there and asked Him to help me speak clearly, speak with love for what I believe in, and speak the truths as I knew them in a way that they could all understand, or at least think about my words before judging me. I asked if there was even a point in going back, what could I possibly say that can help them see that I was a good person who overcame the sorrows and was now trying to help others understand adoption through a mother's eyes. I needed a sign to help lift my spirits.
Then it came. The day before Valentine's Day I sat at the computer returning emails from friends, and it came. My daughter, whom I placed 20 years ago, sent me an instant message just saying..."loved the last picture! you are too funny!" It was like a lightning bolt to my soul. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! No tears, no sadness, just a big jolt of love to my heart. We talked for about a half hour, well ... typed really. She was telling me some things about school, some things about what was going on in her life which I love to hear and she loves telling me. It was so wonderful to just be back in the positive, back in the light that I know can shine in my world because of adoption. I was smiling and typing away. I told her that I had been talking with some women who were not as fortunate in their adoptions as I was in ours. I explained, just briefly, how I got into the converstation. I then told her that I was so glad to hear from her, especially that day, because it was a boost that I needed in a bad way. She then told me 'You are the strongest person I have ever known. You are an inspiration to me. What you have been through was such a brave thing to do. I think you are amazing and I am so proud of what you have accomplished.' Great kid, huh? I thanked her and told her that I had to talk about the negatives as much as the positives because I want people to know that there is hope out there, there can be love and acceptance in adoption. She then said, 'I want people to know our story. I know you loved me and I love you for being you. I think what you are doing for adoption is wonderful and I love you for doing it.'
That was all I needed to hear. Within 30 minutes, a week of heartache ended with simple, beautifuly spoken, and much appreciated words from the one who matters most, my adopted child. She has the uncanny ability to say the best things at the most appropriate times, and I do not think it was a coincidence that she contacted me on that day. She said she was just thinking about me, but I think there were other forces in play there. Prayers answered and heart revived! It was a wonderful Valentine's Day!
PS... I did not go in vain to the blog mentioned in this post. I give credit where credit is due, and several of the women on that post contacted me to say "Thank you for your insight, your voice, and your respect for all points of view." I thank you ladies for all that you shared with me.