Sunday, May 2, 2010

Prickly Post of Posers

So the last post was about women who pose as pregnant only to scam adoptive parents in return of sick entertainment. I read quite a few blogs about adoption and many of them are not as happy about the triad as I am. I read them not to torture myself or get angry over someones words, I read to learn from them, to see all sides and think of how I would handle those situations that they speak of. I believe that knowledge is power and the more you learn, the better off you are. This leaves me to be an intelligent thinker and I found myself with some thoughts that I did not write about, but I will now.

The thought came across my mind ... 'What if these schemers are really adoptees that are so frustrated or angry they are taking it out on these adoptive parents? I wonder if they would do that?' I know, it is a big accusation to make and I am sure that some of you are sitting with your mouths open. I still wondered it though because if you could read some of the things I have seen, well, I didn't just pull it out of nowhere. There is endless talk of how adoptive parents are just out to buy babies and it is all about the money. It is brought up over and over again leaving the readers to think very poorly of couples looking for families. I have seen, and been involved with, wicked banter between adoptees and birth mothers over many issues and the bottom line is that the adoptees are pissed off for good reasons, most importantly they want to be heard, but they chose to take it out on other people. I pondered the thought while reading a discussion posted about the same scammer on three or four different groups on a social network that I follow. It was indicating that the newest member was in fact a lying birth mother who had been caught before. I posted a link to my last post and said ..."if you are a scammer, read this before you write anything here." Or something like that. Two days later, another discussion started from a new name, so I read it. Guess what? It was an adoptee that was deceiving all of these people, it was her that had posed as several different people saying she was interested in placing her child for adoption. It was, in fact, an adoptee.

I am looking like a genius at this point, in my own mind that is. Not a pride thought, but rather it was very sad thought. Somewhere down the line this girl was lied to. It resulted in a very angry, confused, frightened and lonely young lady who probably just wants to know if her mother ever thought about her. Very sad when I think about it. But I had to give it to her, at least she fessed up and gave her reasons why she did it. No consolation of course, but she faced the music non the less and even stated that she knew writing it would only bring negative remarks. This behavior is a no win situation and unfortunately this is going to turn ugly for some of you reading, but I want you to stick with me because there is a very important point to make here. We all know what the girl did that was wrong, but let me tell you what many will do that is wrong in the aftermath. When this happens to a couple or hopeful parent it is devastating, no doubt about it and I am not at all taking anything away from that. I know heart crushing deceit. What I am talking about is the effect that it has on the hopeful parents and their ability to look past this setback when they meet another mother. Some will be carrying that first stab in the back for some time, leery of any others. Some will find a way to learn from it and grow. Either way, there is some resentment for birth parents that is now set, no turning back. There is going to be some things said to family members because emotions are running high, these parents to be whose heart has been broken and they feel they are back to square one.

I only ask you to think about what you are saying to the people that are around you when it comes to birth parents. If this by any chance happens to you, this horrible web of lies these girls and women* set for people, think about how others will perceive birth parents as a whole. You are going to say things and make assumptions and it will darken your heart, turn you against all that you believed in. I cannot imagine what it is like to experience that, but I do know how negative talk affects people. I have seen what it can do to a child. I understand that if you already have a child, they may have been excited about having a brother or sister, but don't tell them that people are deceitful, people tell lies and are bad. Tell them that sometimes things do not work out. Tell them that sometimes in life we don't always get what we want, but we don't have to let our hopes die with one setback. Don't tell them that it's the birth mother's fault, or that she was a bad person for some reason because it will really make it hard for that child, or any adult for that matter, to understand that not all birth parents are the same. When the next one comes along, you want to be just as open, just as personable. This kind of thing, unfortunately, is a pothole on this road but don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. I know, you had plans, you were telling people, your hopes were high, you had happy thoughts. Nothing I can say will help your pain. I cannot imagine because I have not been there, but I do know the other side. Negativity produces discontent, and discontent is not good in any adoption.

I have seen how others think of me just because of the role that I have as a mother. A birth mother for 20 years. A mother after placement for 10 years. A mother with a voice. A mother trying to change things for the better. I do speak of the here and now and I speak of what I know as my truths, my experiences and my own journey in life. I only want others to understand that the whole triad of adoption hurts. No matter which part you are in, there is hurt. So why would anyone add to it intentionally? What does that say about them as a person? Haven't we all had enough hurt to last 1,000 lifetimes?

*Because of the story leading into this statement, it is not my intention to say that all scammers are adoptees . Most scammers are those looking to make a buck, or at least has been in the past. Before the Internet most women had to actually meet the parents ahead of time so most were pregnant, but then disappeared with the baby after birth. It is a whole other post that I could do, but I really am not ready to delve into it right now.
The Best For You


Laura and Davin said...

Another great post. :) I have been following the scammer discussion on AV. We've only been scammed once, and it was a short period. I know the hopeful adoptive parents are extremely hurt and that's where their anger comes from. However, I agree with you, in that negativity is never good. If this person is indeed sincere in her apology- or even if she isn't- if she this is another ruse to get attention- I think the best thing is to ignore her. She needs help, clearly. Maybe it helps people to be able to vent to her. But I guess I have chosen to stay out of it- not feed into her woes, and instead pray she gets the help she needs. Don't get me wrong- I get angry when I see adoptive family hurt by scams- and when I get mad, I get MAD. But mental illness is real, and I truly think one has to be mentally ill to do something like that. ...just my two cents...

Susan said...

Hi Kelsey,

Just wanted to say I love your blog and thanks for sharing your story and insights. I have to say I agree with what you wrote in this post - as a hopeful adoptive parent who has been repeatedly contacted by the young woman you mention above, the anger is hard to let go of. However, it's harder still to not be suspicious and trust the other young women who contact us. Hard to know who is sincere and "real." I also agree with the previous comment and I have chosen not to respond to her post. I hope she's sincere and gets help. Despite our anger and frustration and the $ she cost us, I don't want to give her any more attention than she's already getting. We're trying to focus on our goal of creating a family and not getting sidetracked by a troubled girl's drama. Thank you again, your perspective helps so much!

LeMira said...

I really like this post because I think it's always important to see things from another point of view -- especially those who hurt us. There's usually hurt behind their maliciousness.

Anonymous said...

I want to thank you very much for this post. I'm on some of the same messages boards that you are and have followed these stories. I especially agree with your though that we should try not to let one (or more) scammer situation impact how we approach the next expectant mother. Thanks for your insights.