This Is Why I Have Always Celebrate Mother's Day

It has become a tradition for me to share with my readers this story about Mother's Day. Over 20 years ago this nurse changed the way I thought about myself .... And it her kindness has lasted a lifetime.

After my daughter was born, I was in a private room in the hospital and feeling quite sad and lonely. I knew that I only had a few days with her and my heart was torn between my guilt and my joy. I always had a smile on my face, that is the kind of person I am, but that smile was hiding a broken spirit within. they were keeping the baby in the nursery because I had a dry birth and she was needing attention. (Dry birth ...  my water broke 24 hours before she was born. When the water is absent for that long, it becomes dangerous for the baby because the amniotic fluid is not present to protect from bacteria and germs. It is also a very difficult delivery for the mother because without the fluid the uterus has to contract harder and longer to push the baby out.) The entire nursing staff was accommodating me because they were all so impressed with the decission I had made to place my baby for adoption. I think they were trying to make me as comfortable as I could be so that I could really enjoy the limited time that I had with her. I took a nap and when I woke up one of the nurses was bringing her in.

The nurse was very pretty and had an unforgetable smile. She set me up with all that I needed and she left us alone. After a few hours my daughter was asleep and I was exhausted so I called the nurse station to ask them to take her to the nursery. The same nurse came in and I was still holding my daughter. She came up and rubbed her little head and told me how absolutely beautiful she was. I thanked her and I put her into the crib, I covered her and tucked her in and stepped back. The nurse stood there for a minute and I told her it was alright to go. She started toward the door and then stopped. She turned to me and said "I know that I would get into trouble for saying this...but I think what you are doing is an amazingly selfless thing to do at such a young age. I have worked here a while and I cannot tell you how many girls I see come through here, younger than you, and they keep these babies for all the wrong reasons. I just want to grab them and shake them to wake them up and tell them that there are other alternatives. What you are doing for this family is so amazing. You will hear some horrible things from people who judge you for what you are doing, don't listen to them. I would like to ask that you promise me something." She was now very passionate and I could see the compassion in her eyes through her tears. "What is it?" I asked. "I want you to promise me that from now on, until the day you die, I want you to promise me that you will celebrate Mother's Day. Do something nice for yourself, be good to you every Mother's Day because that is a day that is custom made for women like you. You are an incredible mother and I want you to be proud of yourself." I told her that I would and she grabbed me and gave me a quick, tight, squeeze of a hug and then composed herself.

This was a complete stranger telling me what a difference I had made. I was taken back by her honesty and her utter unconditional understanding of what I was going through. I wish I could find her and tell her that she made an impact on me at a time when I needed acceptance the most. I will never forget her or her words. It is 20 years later, and I am still telling people about this wonderful woman who lifted me up when I was needing it, and helped a heart heal a little more with the kindness of a stranger.

Support is Key for Mothers In Adoption

I was quite fortunate in my adoptions, I will admit that. My story is different from any other I have read, and I am reminded often that I had great people around me to support in my choices. I am not talking about professionals helping me, but rather everyday people I knew and saw frequently who would either purposely or inadvertently give me that little something to keep pushing myself to heal. And in that support system I had a goliath advantage over everything and everyone else: my mother.

I grew up living alone with my mother from the age of three due to my parents divorce and my father’s moving out of state. She was a very strong woman whom had the heart of a lion coupled with the tenacity of a bull and charm so sweet you would never even know that she might be telling you off. She was raised by hard working Midwesterners who felt family values and morals were just as important to teach children as reading, writing and arithmetic. My mother had sass to spare, yet could make you feel that you were the only person on Earth in the way she listened to another’s woes. Admired, loved and always prepared with an impeccable sense of humor my mother was a force of life that people were drawn to.

So telling her I was pregnant was not something I thought twice about. I have heard other birth mothers tell of how frightened they were to tell their mothers they were pregnant, but for me it was not that way. Of course I was nervous when I came to sit with her that evening, wondering just what would lie ahead after I told her the situation. Who wouldn’t be nervous? And I did take a deep breath when I worked up the courage to utter the words “Mom, I’m pregnant”, feeling like the entire moment was happening in super slow motion. But I was never scared of what she would say or how she would react. I was coming to her as a daughter who needed a mother’s ear to work through a difficult situation that would not only affect me … but affect my entire family.

“Well, what are we going to do?”

Those were the words she responded with: "Well, what are we going to do?" Not what are you going to do. Not what am I going to do. But rather what are we, meaning the two of us, going to do. In that one sentence I could feel the weight lift a little, and my heart found calm in her loving verbal embrace. A smile was all I could repay her with, as I still had to vocalize what my thoughts were on adoption and the options I wanted to look into as soon as I possibly could. From the moment she found out, she was nothing but accepting of the situation and my feelings. I cannot fathom what might have been going through her head, probably a million things and a million reasons why a break down would have been acceptable at that moment. Stoic and strong, she listened and talked with me long into the night to help me figure out what was the next step, what would the future be like (both adoption and raising the child) and how I was going to live life without my child if that is what I chose.

She was a rock that I could anchor anytime I needed to be grounded. Neither of us could have known that we would go through adoption twice, and I am sure that neither of us could have known how much these events would enrich our relationship. I relied on her for strength, and she relied on me for inspiration which culminated into a bond much more than the normal mother/daughter relationship. There is no word in the English Dictionary that can begin to describe our relationship, nor would I ever want to find one that would try. In life there are moments that need no words, but rely heavily on actions to demonstrate how one person loves another. That was my mother. Her actions spoke more than words ever could.

She was my first love, my first friend, my first teacher, my first confidant and the first Hero I ever admired. In her constant support and encouragement I persevered through the tough times and learned from her the grace I needed to live life as I am… no excuses to anyone and accepting of what life throws my way. The lessons I learned from her have lived on long after she left this Earth and that is a true testament to her rich, kind loving soul. She lives on in me, and I can only hope to be as amazing as she was in her life.

Today she would have been 67 years old, and I bet she would have been a FIESTY Golden Girl! Happy Birthday Mom, and thank you for continuing to watch out for me and guide me through my days....may heaven have a GRAND party for you today. I love and miss you!

Birth Mother's Day ... Differing Views

Adoption Author, Lori Holden

I love my contacts in adoption! Long ago, when I first started out online as a blogger I met a fantastic advocate whom I have come to admire. She is one of Parenting Magazines Top Ten Must Read Moms, and she deserves the honor. Her name is Lori Holden and she has a way with words.

She emailed me to let me know that she was gracious enough to quote me in an guest post she did for Disney Baby, and this is one of the reasons why I love her! She files all the adoption writers she knows in her head and can remember our words with accuracy ... and then is kind enough to share our thoughts with the world.

Thank you Lori for being a friend not just to me, but to all you know. I always appreciate when you spread more opinions in the hopes to help so many out there!

Please read on to introduce yourself to Lori if you do not already know her ....
Celebrating Birth Mothers Day: An Interview with Adoption Author Lori Holden

Lori Holden, Author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole 

A Rose to Remember

Hello Weekend, and Happy Saturday!

This is one of my older posts on Happy Thoughts, a series of writings that share the positive stories I have about my adoptions. It is about what that moment meant to me, the moment I gave birth to someone else's family ....

Happy Thoughts 3 ~ A Rose is a Rose

Adoption Advocation, Life Heritage and Ghost Stories ... OH MY!

I found this in the archives and it made me smile. Earlier this week, I asked on my Facebook page what people's thoughts were about birthdays in adoption. I had some great responses, insights and stories from all sides of the triad.

This, I think, is my favorite writting about a birthday (my daughter's 16th Birthday to be exact). I wrote this several years ago, and the irony, circumstances and eventual discovery are quite a journey. Take some time for a good ghost story, with a happy ending!

Adoption Advocation, and Life Heritage and Ghost Stories ... OH MY!

I am going to incorporate positive avocation for adoption, passing on of one's heritage in adoption, and a ghost story all into one post. Inspired by Halloween perhaps, pull up a chair and let me tell you a little story. (Technically this should be a Happy Thought ... but I liked the title by itself so know that this is going to be incredibly positive!)

Have you lost a loved one? Felt some kind of force in your life that makes you think that they could still be there, watching over you? Making sure that you follow through with important things in life? Or just to let you know that they have your back, will be your guardian angel for as long as you walk the Earth? I have one. She lets me know quite frequently that she is here, right beside me as she has always been ... for as long as I can remember.

My biggest supporter in my decision to choose adoption for my children was my mother. She told me time and time again how proud she was of me to put my children before myself. She always told me that I was a much stronger person than she could ever be. She smiled when she spoke of her grandchildren, and that smile grew wider when she explained to people that I was her hero. (Still makes me blush just to write it. If anything, she was my hero my entire life!) She always talked about how one day, she just knew that we would all be together somewhere laughing and enjoying each other. Mom talked of traditions that she wanted to pass along to them in the hopes that she could include them in her life, her family history ... their family history.

One such item was my Sweet 16 Corsage. It was the corsage that my mom received on her 16th birthday and my grandmother had it preserved so that she could give it to me when I turned 16. It was a very sentimental thing, and my mother had mentioned on several occasions that she could not wait to give that corsage to Bella when she was old enough. No matter how things were going in our life in adoption, she always reassured me that it would happen ... I would know them and be a part of their life. She did not know her life would end far sooner than she had wanted, or predicted.

While in the hospital and clearly near the end of her life, we spent a quite morning talking about things. Mom was resting between subjects when suddenly she opened her eyes and said ... "You have to promise me that you will give Bella the corsage. That corsage was pinned on me by my mother, and I pinned it on you, and it should be pinned on her when she turns 16. You have to make sure that your corsage goes to her ... it should be hers. I want her to have it, do you know how important that is to me?" I knew. "Yes, I will make sure she gets it." "I am serious Kelsey, you have to promise me!" She had some fight in her, she was making her point. It was almost a last testament for her, because after that she never mentioned another family member for the rest of the time I was with her.

Years later, when the time came around for Bella's 15th birthday I started to think about that corsage. I still had many boxes from my mother's in my garage so I spent the better part of six months sorting through old memories, photo albums and mementos of my mothers life. I found some wonderful things I had forgotten about, but no corsage. I thought back. I had seen it the year before, I found it in a box and brought it into the house because I knew I would be looking for it soon. But where did I put it? Started cleaning and putting things away in the house. Another 2 and a half months went by and although my house was clean and very organized, I still could not find the corsage. Her 16th was getting close and I was starting to panic about that wish, those last words murmured from my mothers lips: "I am serious Kelsey, you have to promise me!" I wrote a desperate message to Bella's mom asking her if I had sent the corsage to her in advance. She responded no and asked what it was. After explaining the story to her, the significance to my mother, the significance to me ... well she was devastated that I could not find it. 6 weeks to go before the birthday and I was loosing my mind.

I was sleeping one night a month or so later and I had a dream. I was decorating for Halloween in the front yard and thinking about the corsage. As I spread the spider webs, I heard a familiar voice say ... "You want some help doing that?" It was my mother, walking across the front yard. She smiled. It was good to see her. "That would be great", I responded. We finished up the decorating and admired the work we had done. She told me she had to go, she had things to do but thanked me for letting her help with the Halloween festivities. It was always one of her favorite holidays is what she said, but I knew that. Then just before she left she said, "What you are looking for ... you might want to check the kitchen again." And she smiled, then walked down the street.

When I woke up, I had no recollection of the dream. I had overslept and was in a panic to get lunch made, dress the boys and get them off to school on time. It was a hectic morning to say the least, and I really did not think about my dream. Long about noon, I had a moment to sit quietly and it was then that I remembered seeing her again, spending time with her again, hearing her voice again.

Her voice. I remembered what she said about finding what I was looking for in the kitchen. I wasted no time, I looked everywhere for that blue box. I looked in every single cabinet. I looked in every nook and cranny of that kitchen and never once saw a blue box. Nice, I am completely crazy is what I was thinking to myself. I was also crushed that I was not going to find the corsage to give to my daughter on her 16th birthday. My heart sank and I leaned on the counter next to the fridge, sulking in my failure to keep my promise to my own mother. I lifted my head in disgust and was just about to tell myself off when I noticed something in the corner, tucked away. It was a candy holder that I bought at Hallmark (my mother's Mecca!) years back that looked like a witch's spell book, you know like an old thick book on a book shelf...really creepy and deep ... and it held Halloween candy and talked to you when you opened it. I picked it up, laid it down on the counter and took a deep breath.

I opened the cover to hear "Happy Halloween!" in a creepy witch voice followed with cackling and there, laying inside alone, was the blue box that I had so desperately been searching for. I was shaking. I reached in and picked it up, knowing what it was that I had found. I opened it and with one look inside a flood of memories came over me...tears began to flow and I cried uncontrollably. I was a little freaked out. I mean, I certainly do not remember putting that corsage in that box. I really don't think I did. It was not Halloween time when I was looking for it, yet there it was in the kitchen just like she said it would be. I felt like I was in a huge CLUE game
... in the kitchen, with the corsage in the Witches book.
I was really freaked out when I realized that I had exactly two days to send it to Bella! I Fed Exed it off with a card and letter explaining the meaning behind the vintage Sweet 16 Corsage. It made it there, and her mom pinned it on her on her 16th birthday. She thought it was pretty cool that she now had something that was presented three generations ago in her family. I knew she would like it, and deep down I knew that my mother helped me find that thing~!

The moral of the story? Open adoption allows a birth family to pass on traditions to their flesh and blood. To me, that is pretty awesome and inspiring. Sure adoption can have its faults, sure it can be something that many do not understand. But for those that are involved with it, a story like this can inspire some to be more open to their birth families. Just as in my case, it only enhances the child's life to know where, and who they come from. Another moral...always pay attention to those little signs that others are around to help you out in life...no matter HOW freaky they are!

Photo courtesy of etsy.com.