Oh the Joy of Being Assasinated

This past week has been great. Just peachy. I have heard tons of things in my lifetime as soooooo many people just love to let me know what a vile and disgusting human being I am. However, a couple of new ones cropped up this week. One called me a "useless consumerist careerbot", claiming I chose adoption because my children "were cramping her lifestyle". I had an anonymous comment on my Formspring that told me I was "brainwashing a new generation" of children with my book. Another one wants to spit on my shoes saying I am a "happy abandoner".

All because I am Kelsey Stewart. I breathe, therefore they hate me. It's all good. I understand that women like me bring about feelings of rage and anger, some to a level that you have to resort to name calling and junior high behavior.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than to bully someone else. Better yet, someone you don't know from Adam. Assuming so much about someone from ONE LITTLE ARTICLE. I tell my story all the time, and often there is a legion that comes about to voice how despicable I am. What an evil and repugnant human being I am.  This because they know me.

Not. At. All.

Yep, been dealing with the haters for a while and I pay them no attention. Funny thing is, they keep saying the same things over and over. I hear victim from their mouths all the time. They tell others not to use words like rage, bitter or anger ... yet they spew it all over the place and never think twice about how ironic it is to do so. I find it rather humorous that one person, one voice out here in the world can cause so many to just explode. Spontaneous combustion on their keyboards. What is going on in your life that you need to randomly seek out people and question their truths? What gives you the right to pass judgement on others, especially people you do not know?


I have not written 30% of what I know about adoption, there is more to come. Sure, having a positive point of view is RARE in the world of online adoption talk. I have no problem admitting that the road has not always been good. It has not always been what it is for me now. I have told of my problems, issues and all the rights that need to happen in adoption. But there is NO WAY someone can tell me that what I have experienced did not happen. Just because adoption has not been in YOUR favor does not mean that is the way it is for everyone. I know this because you choose to tell me. All. The. Time.

But regardless of how many times you tell me that I am a delusional, ignorant, coerced,  happy bee mommy the more it drives me to make you crazy and speak my mind. We all have room. The world is a big place. I am not going away, nor will I change my writing style, or have my mind changed, or fall of my unicorn into a field of rainbow cupcakes. How about you take your own advice and LISTEN to others and their TRUTHS. After all, that is the courtesy I have given you, is it not? 


Thanks for keeping me on my toes ladies, you know I love that you visit me and follow what I am up to. Obviously you see me as a threat, so I must be doing something right.

PS...to the lovely soul who complained that my book looked like an untalented 5th grade student told a story. Here's a news flash: It's a children's book. Kids like things that look like they may have drawn them, so I chose a style that would appeal to them. Duh.

Valentine's Memories .... and Pick Me Ups!

When I first started blogging I made a comment on a site that I thought was for birth mothers. It was a site for birth mothers, but I did not know that they were birth mothers against adoption. My comment infuriated them and soon I was in the middle of a smack down and degradation of my character and my name. I was not at all used to this kind of behavior and often found myself shocked and appalled at what other mothers were writing about me and to me when they did not even know who I was! 

This past week, a dear friend has experienced the same type of behavior and I felt that today, of all days, would be a great time to re post this piece I wrote while in the middle of that difficult time in my life.  It's about how my adopted daughter lifted my spirits, and helped me realize that despite what people say ... I know I did the right thing by her.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, and especially my children. And I do mean ALL of my children! 

Divine Intervention

PS ... Veronica Valentine will return today as she does every year to spread love and happiness to all! Once she is finished with her awesomeness, I will post pictures of her from this year!

What An Awful Thing To Say

Oh no you didn't!

I am doing some research for an article that I am writing and yesterday I asked a question on my Facebook Page and the responses were astounding, heartbreaking and down right jaw dropping.

I try to look at the positive side of things and ultimately I see the good in my journey through adoption. I asked this question because I really am curious to know which side gets the worst of it. Turns out, all sides of the triad of both adoption and foster care get some pretty incomprehensible things said to them, not just by complete strangers but even worse, those they know and love. 

So I ask this question of all my readers and passerby's:

What is the most negative thing someone has said to you regarding adoption?

Please know I ask this with respect and my intent is to write about these responses in a future article. No names will be used, I will only identify what side of the triad you speak from.

I welcome all to answer with as much explanation or as little as you like.

Reposting a Popular Post about Mothers!

So, I am the admin on a page that has been receiving a lot of flack for talking about Birth Mother's Day. In the hopes that this post would help some of those mothers understand that they need to listen to THEIR hearts and celebrate the women that they are! I have received some emails today about the content and thought I would share it again with all of you!

An Open Letter to Birthmothers

Tooting My Own Horn

Hey, it's November and I still have not seen anything on those hip shows about adoption awareness. Not one thing. Nor on the radio, talk radio of current issues like lung cancer awareness. Nothing about adoption. Doesn't surprise me, they are only interested in adoption if some one's life is falling apart and it can bring in ratings! But they will do a 7 minute segment on abortion, Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant or Snookie. Thanks for caring! Media, love 'em and hate 'em at the same time.

Critical, that is what it all is ... critical thoughts, critical feelings, critical tones about adoption. You know it's true. Some people just don't understand, can't understand a choice like that. Well, I had an epiphany one night watching the 2010 Olympics from our neighbors in the Great White North, Canada. It was one of my favorite posts EVER and I even mention advocating in it. So, today I will fulfill my challenge of giving the shout out to adoption all month long in re posting those waves of personal freedom.

Critical Mass

What's that about, drinking the adoption Kool Aid?

Keep drinking the Kool Aid, it must be good. Kick the Kool Aid habit. Stop drinking the Kool Aid and wake up!

I have heard things like this quite a few times from those who do not like the positive voices in adoption. There is a large force that wants to convince voices like mine that we have fallen into the trap of the adoption industry, that we have been brainwashed to believe that adoption is good. I do not believe that I have been lead to believe anything but what were my truths, and my decision was not a coercion that adoption was good. I can tell you that I have been very happy with the way that life is going for my children and myself, so I do not agree with the the immense hatred towards adoption. I especially do not agree with the immense hatred towards content birth mothers. But I digress....

So what does it mean? Why the Kool Aid connection? What does that have to do with being happy in adoption? Some birth mothers have told me that it has to do with being a kid and liking the yummy flavors and being lured by the sugary sweetness of adoption. Others have told me that it has to do with being druged with Kool Aid so that they sign the papers and be happy about it. Those are a couple of ways to see it. However, I asked someone who said it to me one time what it meant because I had an idea, but I wanted to hear it from a source to be sure I understood. With one short sentence my thoughts were confirmed. "Ever heard of Jonestown?" Why yes I have, I actually remember when it happened.

In the late 1970's, Jim Jones was a cult leader of the People's Temple who moved his entire following to Guyana. Mr. Jones obviously controlled his congregation and gained outside attention when a Congressman from California took an interest in Jones' tribe after some distraught family members contacted him with concerns. After a life time of wacko and too many prescription drugs, Jones' final act was to convinced the entire following that mass suicide was the answer for everything. He forced them all to drink various poisons and sedatives that were mixed in a vat with Flavor Aide, or as some would call it ... Kool Aid. He lead many, many people to believe something that was not true, and so sadly convinced them to leave this Earth, some killing their children in the process. How very sad that it happened, and the world was shocked when it occurred. The power of someones conviction projected onto others became a massacre of unthinkable proportions. (The Congressman, Leo Ryan, was also killed and to this day is the only Congressman to be murdered while holding office.)

This story has a LOT to do with the reference that I speak of with peaceful and dare I say it ... happy people in adoption: that we are all just drinking the poisons of the adoption industry. Following along with what they tell us to do. I see their point, but it is a huge insult to those who do know their truths, who have had communication and been successful in our journeys so far. Yes, I know that there are states with adoption agencies that DO lie, DO manipulate and DO sometimes force one to separate with their children. I am one who did deal with an agency that tried to tell me what to do and I said no. I stood up for myself, and my child, to tell them how it was all going down. I did not agree with what they said was best, so I made a change. I did it my way, making sure that everyone around me knew that I was making the decision ... not someone else!

Drinking the Kool Aid is an insult to many, many women and adoptees out there who are told by others that they do not know their stories, their lives. I am wide awake and have been for a long time. I have seen the good and continue to tell about the positives of open adoption no matter what you think I know. In the end you don't know my story, and we obviously have had different journeys if you believe in that negativity. So to your insult of drinking the adoption Kool Aid, I say make it a flavor all your own and be happy with the life that you live. My batch is cherry-delicious. OH YEAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!

My Kool Aid Trophy

Three Simple Rules

"Just as love is the private attitude you express to a personal friend or family member, courtesy is the proper public attitude that you express toward strangers. Courtesy engenders the sympathy and understanding that others are not perfect, that they make mistakes. Courtesy engenders the politeness with which we treat others whom we do not personally know, even as we accept that their intentions are probably good." ~ Believe it or not, online comedy traffic school!



This was so simple, I had to read it several times. Oh how this advice given when driving a car could make the world of adoption on the Internet a more insightful place. I have been contacted more and more by birth mothers who are at their wits end with all the negative comments regarding their decision to relinquish their rights, just shattered by words that are so harsh, so disrepectful it hardly seems possible that someone would say such things to a stranger. I have been asked how I handle this behavior

I follow three rules when talking adoption. They are simple, and have so far helped me reach many out there who need a soul to connect to, that has been in their situation so to speak.

Number one. Listen. Just as you have your story to believe in, so do they. They are going to fight tooth and nail to get their point across so that you understand that it was different for them. What happened in that generation of twisted thinking about women pregnant out of wedlock...God forbid!...and the coercion that happened, the sins against human beings simply because they were women? Disgusting! There were no reasons of choice. Many were forced to do it, and that would leave anyone ready to fight for a lifetime for it NOT to happen to other women. Women of choice, women who had the fortune to actually make a choice for themselves see adoption in a different light, I know I do. And for many there will be no point in arguing with them because it will only lead to pain, frustration and a bad taste in one's mouth. That's okay though, because they feel the same way about you.

Number two. I know how I feel, I know who I am and no one is going to change my mind about how I perceive my journey. I feel very strongly about what I went through and what could have been done differently. Adoption is such a personal choice that there really is no way to lump all birth parents, or all adoptees or all adoptive parents into one group. Too many stories and variations of what adoption is, it would be just too vast. But the birth mothers view, that is I think the MOST personal view in all the triad. All adoptions start with the birth parents, we are the ones who set everything in motion. So with us lies a very deep need to explain and understand what it is that we have done. It is a huge burden to carry. Sure, raising the child and being the child are also important, but it is the birth parent that will always be expected to have the answers, to explain why. Ours is a vulnerable position in the grand scope of it all and, therefore is an easy target for disgust. What someone thinks of you, unless it is your children, well it really should not affect the person you are. Don't let anyone convince you of something you are not, or that you do not want to be. I think that could be considered coercion, just saying.

Number three. If something is said that pisses me off, or comes off the wrong way, I give myself 24 hours to react. Yeah. A whole day. Letting your fingers do the flying when you are overly frustrated or hurt is not always such a good thing. (Sure I have started to do it, this post is the end result to a very nasty remark made on another blog.) I think some anger is healthy. You have to believe in something in order to make a change. But throwing off insults or hurtful words in a moment of frustration is not so healthy in the long run. I sit back, think about what it is that was said that made me so mad. Was it a personal attack? Was it an attack on a friend? Was it the tone of the question or statement? Was it the harsh thought that I had not considered before? It really helps to think about your reactions to things said as much as it helps to think about what was said to begin with. I mean, how can I ever learn someone else's story if I react defensively? Oh I know, there are many who do not think this way. They would rather speak their minds right then and there. I do it, react off cuff. But not when I am seeing nothing but red. Step back. Figure out where you are coming from before you respond, other wise you will loose what it is you believe in. That vulnerability has a way of working against you in very dangerous ways.

 Let me end this by saying as always...this is my point of view. I do not speak for all birth parents in the world nor would I try to do that. I am just speaking my mind in the hopes of helping those who feel the way I do, I just want to let them know that they are not alone.

Attacked By Your Own

I have been reading too much lately. Remember that last post that said I felt icky, well this past week has been one of those weeks that my eyes were accosted. My heat felt daggers. My soul was rocked reading the words of others. The most disturbing part was that those words, those swords that cut so deep, those relentless letters that formed such painful thoughts, those words were spoken from other mothers of loss. I know these mothers, I read them often. Why? Because there is something to be learned from them. They have a different experience that was a very dark part of not just adoption history, but our nation's history.

The mothers that I speak of are the mothers of the Era of Mass Surrender, or EMS, or for some the Baby Scoop Era, or BSE. Their stories, their memories are nothing less than horrific. I am not making light of the issue, I mean what I say. I cannot speak for them and will not try, but know that these women were not given a choice, often were coerced to relinquish their rights as guardians to their children, some were drugged, some were blatantly lied to, it goes on and on. There are so many voices from that generation of degradation of unwed mothers it is just a terrible part of history. They have something to say and made their voices known. I am thankful that they are out there, talking and reminding everyone that this actually existed in our history, so that it is not repeated ever again.

I believe that it was those voices, those advocates for mothers of loss that helped create what is now considered open adoption. How? Well, there are many documented studies that show that what used to be the tactics of getting parental rights was not legal, nor was it in the best interest for anyone! What it did show was forced adoption was not a healthy way to adoption. Laws were put into place, wording was changed, more attention was given to the wants of the mother, and for future generations like me ... well it showed the states that railroading a mother would not work. I spoke my mind, kept my cool and eventually was able to see my children grow. I know that when I was pregnant, this whole idea of open adoption was still very new, very innovative, very controversial. It was controversial because these women began to speak up, they started to share their stories and band together as a force, they wanted to change adoption. They were being heard. Things changed, but I don't think they changed the way they thought it would.

So from this change comes a different generation of birth mothers, oh yes I did say those words and for very good reason. A generation of women who were influenced not only by those in the same shoes before them, but a whole slew of women who were influenced by a period of time when women were rising up the respect ladder with activists like Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug and Betty Friedan, women of strength with a voice. This generation was very different from the generation before it, women were being heard beyond what had been allowed before and the concept of open adoption was coming about in a whole new light. I know that these two sides of a mother's view are like night and day. They are. And sometimes a conversation between them will take ugly turns, dangerous curves and some straight aways that will have your heart racing 100 miles an hour.

I get it, I know that there cannot be a middle ground for some. I know that they are just as passionate about telling their story as I am about telling mine. What I don't get is the attacks. It seems to me that what these ladies are forgetting is that time when they were going through their pain, struggling with the loss, trying to make sense of it all. It is such a lonely place. It seems that you are the only one who is going through it, that no one could understand. What they did not have was the wonderful benefit of the world reading their thoughts. I wonder if they think about the effect that all this Internet has on a new or even somewhat seasoned birth mother? The fact that so many can come in and just rip you for your beliefs, your truths as you know them? Sure, there were those that may have told them face to face over the years. But, did they ever have complete strangers come into their living room and talk to poorly to them, speak so disrespectfully to them? I would think not. I would think that they could remember such a heart wrenching time in their lives and realize that they may just be hurting more than they are helping. To talk so poorly to FELLOW mothers, to keep commenting about how others do not know their own stories, to wrangle friends to go comment and harass mothers looking for support, to refer to those mothers wanting to help others as cult leaders ... well, who wouldn't be disturbed reading all of this? Who wouldn't need counseling reading all of this? Who wouldn't want to crawl in a whole and hide away from the world reading all of this?

Such a shame that sometimes our toughest critics are those who should be able to understand, but who choose not to. I appreciate your voices, but you have to know when to leave people alone. Sometimes it almost borders on terrorism.

An Open Letter To Birth Mothers

This road we have been on as mothers removed, as I often say, is one ever evolving journey deep into the heart that no other soul could EVER understand unless they themselves have been there. It can send you for quite some time, years perhaps, just going along thinking things are going well. You feel content, proud, peaceful in your decision and all of the sudden, out of the blue one little thing can grab a hold of all you know and pull it from the sky, crashing down on you like one huge bucket of slime that falls all at once, but leaves an icky feeling for months. It is horrible. It is degrading. It is a disruption of life that we do not have the energy for, nor the time for because for us...time has moved on. For some, we have our own children to raise, our own little souls that help us to realize just how much we gave up. We are constantly living on a double edged sword of seeing everything for the first time and at the same time seeing how much we truly missed, what we will someday have to answer to and what will always be with us no matter how long we walk this Earth. No one can understand it and that is why I think there is so much anger, hatred, disappointment and just general disgust in the adoption world. Every one expects us to be this beacon of light that will be able to answer all the questions that everyone has. Everyone expects the birth mother (and I am sorry if I offend you by using those words to describe us, but why should we change who we are for all those that feel the name is hurtful...to them? That is a whole other thought all together that I will elaborate on later in a different post. I have been feeling the need to defend all of us who are constantly forced to change our names, our views, our truths to convenience someone else. I want to shout out to those that tell me not to use birth mother..."I am fine with who I am and I will not change for you or any others out there, thank you very much!" Sorry about that, I went off for a minute ;) ) anyway, everyone expects us to be there punching bag and we are just not designed for that.

And all those counselors and so called helpers out there just cannot fathom living in a frame of mind that at any given moment, life can change dramatically for not just us, but everyone around us. That is what most people do not get. When I am reminded about something adoption, it creeps in sometimes and will affect my relationships. There is a distance that occurs, it is slight and most do not notice, but I do. I know that my mind is not here 100%, that I am preoccupied thinking of a solution, yet again!, to help my heart heal and understand the reason for the pain. I know that I am trying my best to be the woman that I want to be, but how can I when they are constantly trying to beat me down, make me feel guilty all over again for something that I have left behind? And not left behind in a bad way, left behind because I had already beaten it with a stick, beaten myself relentlessly for so many years that my mind told my heart to heal or be crushed. We all have to realize our strengths in this journey because it is those strengths that will eventually get us through all the hate and heartache.

I want to give you hope. Let you know that if you find that strength that is in you, stick with what you know in your heart is right, then you can move mountains! You can be that beacon of light for your child. You can keep with you the very thought that maybe, just maybe they want to know you. They may be thinking just as much about you as you are of them and someday they will be free to come and hug you, thank you, be with you to show you they really do know how much you care about and love them. There is hope. SO don't let anyone tell you any different. You may be a mother of loss, but you are not a mother of defeat. And when that agency, or reader, or ignorant person tells you that you are a whore or you should feel bad about what you chose for your baby, well you just keep in mind that they may be jealous of your strength. You don't need them to tell you this, or make you feel inferior because you were able to do something they could NEVER do! (and when you think about it that is what this all boils down to, I think people are just jealous of how very strong we are, how they could never do what we did and they only wish they could believe in themselves as much as we do!) Most of all, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here who have been right where you are, and we know the uncertainty of life at an early age, we know how to handle ourselves, and we will not be told how to feel.

*If you are an agency, please do not take offense to this post. I am not saying that all agencies treat birth mothers with disrespect. All I am saying is that you may be surprised to see just how many do have this line of thinking. Again, not all agencies, counselors and helpers are this way.

Why do people think Birth Mothers do not have morals? WHY?!?!?!?!

“They are a strong, Christian, pro-life family. They figured I must have had morals, since I kept him,” Stephanie said. ~ fwdailynews.com

This statement ruined an otherwise great article I was reading about a woman who found herself pregnant at a young age and kept her baby. She continued with school, was able to pull her life together and she is now trying to teach teenagers that abstinence is the best solution for sexual deviance. It was a great read, until I hit that particular sentence...then I was just mad. So because I took responsibility for my actions and did what I thought was best for my child at the time, that means in some people eyes I have no morals? Because I asked for help at a time when so many would not or could not, I have no morals? Because I chose to let my children walk without me and have a life far better than I could have ever provided for them, I have no morals? Well, I have a few things to say about that and some of you may not like it.

Morals definition: 1) of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical: moral attitudes. 2) capable of conforming to the rules of right conduct: a moral being. 3) of, pertaining to, or acting on the mind, feelings, will, or character: moral support. I was raised in a home with strong morals and it was that strong upbringing that lead me to choose adoption for my children. I took responsibility for my actions and although it did not benefit me, I made a decision based on what I thought was best for my children at that particular time in my life, and more importantly, their lives. I was not able to care for a child then. I was not of sound mind and body to care for my children at the time. And since I have a deep religious faith, I asked God for his guidance to help with my heartbreaking decision to place my children with other families. I do not think that my morals were bad at the time, in fact, I think they were right on the money according to definition #1. I did not think that it was right that I should be raising children when I was already having a difficult time myself. I knew in my heart that I was not the right parent for them, I knew that. And when I asked God to help me, he confirmed to me that I was right in my thinking. How do I know that? Because he sent me the right parents to do so. He lead me to the couples that understood what I needed to know in order to relinquish my rights as their mother and allow them to be raised by another family. He helped me every step of the way and then some. 20 years later, He is still showing me that I made the right decision for my children in the way they think of me, are proud of me, and consider me a strong woman with an abundance of courage. I think to say that keeping your child in a difficult situation is the morally right thing to do is a slap in the face of all those women who live every day with a hole in their heart for doing what they thought was morally sound in their mind.

Does this article say that those that do choose adoption for their children are not moral? That is how I read it. But I am here to tell you that my morals were in line with what He wanted me to do. And the bottom line is that if He sees that I did what I thought was best, well, His opinion is what really matters. His and my children's opinion. As long as they understand that their mother loved them enough to admit that she could not raise them alone and did her best to make sure that were taken care of, well then I would say that my morals were right on the money.

It is statements like the one above that just make others think badly of birth mothers/first mothers and to me, that is a real shame.

Critical Mass

Watching the Olympics I am often reminded of my journey through life as a birth mother. What? What's that you say? Olympics and adoption? What do they have to do with each other? Leave it to Kelsey to make the connection. Follow along with me...

I first noticed the parrell when I was watching figure skating last week. It came when the Men's Short Program began, and not even 30 seconds after the first skater began, the commentators started criticizing his program...JUST 30 SECONDS! I thought, 'WOW! Good thing the skater cannot hear them talking, he would probably just give up'. There would be a beautiful jump, just gorgeous to watch, and I would hear "ooooooo ... touch down slightly with the right foot, there will be a deduction for that". I didn't see it. The skater would start a wonderful series of spins that I could never do in a million years, and instead of just watching and enjoying, "he just doesn't have the speed of so-an-so, his spins look a little flat". These masters of the ice were picked apart at every part of their program. A lifetime of work, hard training, sacrafice, dedication, repetition, and most of all love for the sport has brought them to the Olympics, only to be criticized and judged from begining to end.


I started thinking in my head..."Geez, give him a break! Let him finish skating and then you can judge what he's done." Let them shine, let them do their thing and enjoy what they have to offer. That is what I think when I see them, watch them pour their hearts out, the way they show you in their movements how much they love their sport. Yet, before they were finished with their programs there had been so many citiques I couldn't help but make a connection. I have been skating the long program of life as a mother. I have attempted jumps where I have fallen, but turn around and spin a series faster than anyone. Still not clear? Okay, let's leave the sports out of it.


In my life I have barely muttered the words "I have children that I placed for adoption",and I am thrown to the lions. Those words have lead to intense, one sided, and sometimes very critical conversations with people that will not let me get a word in before they start with another critique. I face critics everyday who wonder why I am so happy with the life changing decision I made all those years ago. I have faced critics who say I really did not have a choice, I did not decide to place for adoption. I have faced critics who ask why I am so open about my life and my story. I have faced critics who disagree with my positive point of view in my quest to raise awareness for adoption. I have faced critics who say I should not speak so highly about adoption because I will be deceiving people into thinking everything is always sunny. I face critics who have not been in my shoes and think they know what was best for me. I have faced critics at every turn, every corner, and every stage of my life. Before I really have a chance to tell my story, there is a critic who jumps to conclusions, starts to make assumptions about my character and deducts points from my program for technical issues.

Watch the whole program before scoring the perfromance. Give them a moment to shine, a moment to be proud, a moment to just be themselves without any judgement. See what they can do. Watch how they handle the bobbles before critiquing them so harshly. Watch the personality come through, making the performance theirs. Among a sea of competitors that are equally talented, equally devoted but spectacular in their own way, just give them the opportunity to show you who they are before you judge.


So far I have landed a triple sow cow and a double toe loop.