Sunday, April 15, 2012

Feeling Funky, With Good Reason

SO, my family is very concerned about me. They always are this time of the year. I get into funks for days at a time. I am happy one minute, then 1,000 miles away the next. It is something that not only concerns my husband, but my kids as well. They don't see the pattern, although if they did pay attention they would know that I am ALWAYS like this this time of year.

My sons birthday is right around the corner. It has been over 20 years now, but it is still a time when I reflect, miss them, want to say so much to them, and then my heart goes from being light and happy to yearning for the love that I lost. And it is not a yearning in a way that I WISH they were with me. (Oh who am I kidding, that is exactly what the yearning is!) But I know that they have their lives and I have mine. This feeling, or funk, is no direct reflection on the men that they are ... but rather a yearly thing that I go through as a birth mother that just wants the best for her kids. No matter the time between us, or the distance ... I just want the best for them in their lives.

So it is hard for me to express to my OWN family that hey ... it's been like 20 years and you still do not see the pattern? What time of year is it? Is she like this every year at this time? YES! I am! And although I love my husband and kids to the moon and back ... I will not be able to EVER let go of the immense sense of love that I have for the children that are not with me. I only hope that they know in their hearts that I love them, want the best for them and only wish to keep in touch so they know that although I chose not to raise them, it does not mean that I chose to not love them.

It is a difficult thing to explain, even to those who are so very close to me. And I try to keep my head up, try to keep a smile on my face and try to be as good of a mother and wife as I can be. But there just come times when I have to escape within myself to feel the love, loss and relish in the amazing young men that they are. It is not always easy to do. Sometimes it rips my inner core out to not just go running to where they are, give them a big hug and just say ..."You ARE LOVED! You have ALWAYS been loved, and NOTHING will ever change what I feel for you!" 

Maybe someday I will see them on their birthday. Maybe someday they would love to go have lunch with me, chat all about what they love to do, love to read, love to travel to ... and so on. But for now, I just keep them close to my heart and I let my head try and sort it all out. Just goes to show that you can have exceptional adoptions that turn out peaceful and communicative, yet for us moms there are still scars. There are still days that we just cannot get you off of our minds. There are still days that I feel you right here with me, even though it has been a lifetime that has been lived since we last saw each other.

With every corner turned there is still so much that can be learned about adoption, but more importantly ... there is still so much that can be learned about ourselves.


Monika said...

Though I'm not as far along in my adoption journey as you, I feel ya. Around the time of her bday every year, I struggle with melancholy. I have an open adoption, so I get to see her even, and that hasn't changed that regret that sneaks in every year. I'm convinced it's part of the birthmother "experience." Hang in there. *hugs* You are NOT alone!

Denise said...

Hi there - I found you through the Adoption Magazine blog hop, and I'm so glad I did! I look forward to reading through your posts. Thank you so much for being so honest about your feelings during "this time of the year". I am an adoptive momma to 2 little girls - my oldest one's birthday is coming up, and this has just reminded me that I need to be extra sensitive to her birth mother's feelings during this time (open adoption) - and even my daughter's feelings. As she was placed with us right at birth, I know she doesn't have conscious memories, but I still sense that her body somehow knows...
Blessings on you as you work through this time of year.