It is clear that inner peace is the principal cause of happiness. We can observe this in our daily lives. On days when we are calm and happy, even if difficulties arise or we fall victim to a mishap, we take it well, it doesn’t bother us unduly. But on days when we feel sad or have lost our usual calmness, the least little aannoyance will take on enormous proportions and be deeply upsetting to us. ~ Dalai Lama
Great quote, huh? This is exactly what describes my last two weeks. Sure, I know I said that I would finish my mother's story on Sundays throughout the month of March, but sometimes what we set our minds to just does not jive with what NEEDS to happen in our lives.
I had every intention to sit down and spill out the rest of the tragic happenings 11 years ago. Matter of fact, it will be 11 years ago tomorrow that she left this Earth. Funny thing is, I always knew that The Ides of March would be important in my life. You see, when I was a sophomore in high school my English teacher taught us all about Julius Caesar and how The Ides of March came to be known as the day that he was murdered. I remember sitting in that class, sun shining ... just hinting that Spring was soon around the corner. I thought to myself ... "I will never forget that March 15th is The Ides of March". I did not know why it stuck with me, but it did. Every year after that I would think about that day and remember that I told myself that I would remember it. Little did I know that The Ides of March 2000 would be the day that the hospital called to tell me that my mom had coded and they were keeping her alive on a ventilator. Believe me, I was quite aware of the date when the phone rang and the first thing that came into my mind as the nurse on the other end told me what had happened was that beautiful sunny day in 1986, that day I told myself that I would remember.
But this year, things worked out differently. Instead of harping on the tragedy that marks March 16th for me, I was harping on enjoying life with the family I have created here and now. I worked frantically on the opening of the baseball season, helping my husband organize his team and line ups, then I moved onto concentrating on the Cub Scout Campout that would be the last HURRAH for the Webelos who will be going into Boys Scouts in May. Instead of focusing on the negative of this month and what it has held in the last decade, I chose to focus on the here and now with my boys. To be in the moment with them and for them, because after all there is only one life they will lead and I want to make sure that they know I am always going to put them first in my life.
So, I assure you that I will finish that story. But for now I am going to keep living the life that is before me, not the life that I used to live. I think my mother would want that. She would be devastated if I kept focusing on the hurt and pain of her loss. She would want me to smile, to laugh, to enjoy what I have been blessed with and can accomplish now. I took time off from adoption, from writing and from marketing the book to just enjoy the little souls that have enriched my life since they were born. You can never go back and change what has been done, so why try? Or better yet, why focus on something that I can no longer control?
I am one who just keeps swimming. Like Dory in Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ... swimming ... swimming ... swimming ....