Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Loosing and Learning

Last week should have been a dreadful one. Every March 16th I fight my heart as I pass another anniversary of my mother's death. Been 12 years, and I still think of her every single day.

Kinda like my adoptions. It has been over 20 years since I relinquished my rights but it still crosses my mind every single day. The difference? Then it was heartbreaking, yet good to see them adjusting and living life. Now I see how much my children are enjoying their lives, how much they have grown both physically and mentally, and how much they have experienced since I let them go. For me, it has gotten easier as time has gone on. I am beginning to see that as I grow older, I grow more appreciative for EVERYTHING that has happened in my life.

Without that immense heartache I experienced in my adoptions, I don't think I could have healed and accepted so quickly when my mother passed away. Call me crazy, call me delusional. It does not matter to me. I have hurt and healed a GREAT deal in my life and it is that which makes me who I am. When moving through pain, I have stopped to let it all sink in. Felt so broken I was sure there would not be the desire to breathe that next breath. Physical pain that ripped my chest open, with all of my suffering in the open for all to see. It has been hell at times. It has been hopeless in others. Yet through it all, I have learned more about myself which has given me power that I could have never imagined. 

The power to know I can be scared, but not be defeated.

I thought loosing my children would kill me. It did not. I have raised my own children since that loss and experienced life through new eyes and with much delight. I thought loosing my mother would kill me. It did not. I often find myself seeing so much of her in me which has in turn helped me walk through life gracefully, with a killer sense of humor. It is also nice to know that she still walks with me, every step of the way as she lives on in my heart. The more I live life, accepting what comes along and forgiving the mistakes the more it all comes together. Letting myself feel it all then has helped me see it all later in life. To see how far I have come, and how each and every experience along the way has furthered my healing.

Loosing so much so early in life, perhaps my destiny was to lose love in order to learn what love is. 

Okay, now you can call me crazy.


Kristine said...

I don't think you are crazy! Amazing what we can bear and still keep going. When people lose faith in the human race, they just need think of that.

GSmith said...

Love this post Kelsey. I think I needed it today!