Oh yeah, you read that right. Pros and Cons of Adoption. I have seen this list before in various places. Of course it did not say the same things as this latest post that I found, but I see them non the less. I always wonder, who is writing these lists? Sometimes it will say who the person is and why they feel that way. Most are Adoptive Parents. Many are adoptees. Some are counselors or agencies. Not too many are birth parents. Whoever it is, I am always interested to hear others thoughts about what they think are the good things, and the not so good things in adoption.
So, of course I wanted to take a gander at this list I found on my Google Alerts for adoption/birth parents/adoptee that I receive everyday. This list was made by a website called Lawyer Central. (WARNING!!: I am going to express some true thoughts here and if you are a lawyer, I mean no offense. But as always, I speak my truths and will not sugarcoat those thoughts to please one particular group of people. Just wanted to give a heads up to those that might find my ramblings on this post offensive.)
This site says: "At LawyerCentral.com, we take pride in helping individuals find lawyers, find legal help, find answers, research information and obtain the experienced legal representation they need. Our attorney network includes some of the top lawyers in the country, working tirelessly to protect your rights." It goes onto say that this site has hundreds of top rated lawyers for every field of expertise.
Allow me to use their text and give you my take on what I think is right, and what is SO WRONG about the list they have provided. My thoughts will be in green, just so there is no confusion as to what is the list they made compared to my thoughts. And just to start, let me say that I cannot think of any PROS to CLOSED ADOPTION! All of the information below can be found through this link: Pros of Open and Closed Adoption.
PROS OF OPEN ADOPTION:
- Open adoption provides the birth parents with peace of mind that their child will be going to loving, nurturing parents.
Ever hear the phrase Curiosity Killed the Cat? Well, the same concept can be applied to birth parents. It is what you don't know that kills your spirit, kills your heart. If you can have an open adoption, then the wonders of how your child is doing, what they look like, what characteristics they have are all things Every parent wants to know about their child. In open adoption you CAN know these things, if the AP's are willing to share this info with you.
- Open adoption allows the adoptive parents to ask the birth parents questions concerning the child. Some common questions that the adoptive parents commonly ask the birth parents is the child’s health history and the family history.
B-I-N-G-O! Every parent should have access to the orgins of their child and what better way to find out than to just ask. Wonderful plus about open adoption, you CAN ask!
- Open adoption takes away a lot of the secrecy that may sometimes be contained within adoption and makes open communication available.
This one applies solely to the child. There should be no secrecy in a child's life, especially when it comes to something as important as where they come from. Too often I hear adoptees say to me, "I just wish they would have been honest and told me about my parents. I felt lied to, cheated by my own parents. I know that they were trying to protect me from felling hurt or abandoned, but knowing the truth would have made a world of difference." Many forget that children are people too, and I don't know many people who like to be lied to.
- The adopted adult can easily establish a relationship with his or her birth parents.
BIGGEST BONUS EVER! If a child has the opportunity to know their parents, to understand their reasons and just see the kind of person they are ... well it can make all the difference in the world.
- The birth mother may be less likely to change her mind about the adoption because she knows you.
Hmmm, not sure where this one came from and not too sure I agree with it. Changing one's mind about adoption is a very personal thing and there may be many reasons for it. I don't think knowing them can help those feelings of loss, grief, regret or ambivalence.
- As time passes, if the birth mother has a change in her health status, she can notify you about conditions that could later affect your child.
This one I agree with! So important to know genetics and what your medical history holds.
- With an on-going relationship and communication about the well-being of the child, the birth parents may experience less guilt about making a decision to place for adoption.
This is a hard one because in my experience, there will always be guilt. No matter how old they get, no matter how healthy and wonderful their lives MAY turn out to be, there will always be guilt in my heart that I missed so much of my children's lives.
PROS OF CLOSED ADOPTION:
- Some birth families report that having a closed adoption provides a sense of closure and enables them to move on with their life.
This may be true, but in the end it is about the child. Sure, people want closure about some feelings and thoughts. But really, it is not at all about the parents but rather about the child and what is best for them. I don't think keeping their roots from them is at all beneficial in the long run.
- Having a closed adoption creates an opportunity for a stronger sense of privacy for the birth family.
I understand, but sometimes this can backfire for the adoptive family. Think about it, what if your family moved away from you and never contacted you again? How hurt would you be? How angry would you be that they just left you alone in the wind? Take that feeling and apply it to the birth family. That is what it feels like for them and given the opportunity to have a respectful relationship with the parents, I bet there could be a mutual relationship that is not going to intrude on your privacy as a family.
- If the birth families are not involved, the adoptive family is free to have their family time without restraints of visitations and on-going communication.
To me, this is selfish. Is it that hard to send a picture? Send a note as to how the child is doing? I know, it is your family and you have the right to do what you want with it. However, to forget the ones who are thinking about that child every day, it is pretty heartless to just cut them off. Not to mention, it can be quite damaging to their minds, hearts and lives. (I am speaking about both the child and the birth parents in the last sentence.)
- There is no danger or risk of birth parent interference or co-parenting concerns.
I cannot speak on this one because it is foreign to me. I would not interfere or ask for the right to even give parenting advice to an AP. My experience was nothing like that, so I really cannot add thoughts to this.
- A closed adoption protects the adopted child from an unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parent or birth family member.
This last one is what prompted me to even write this post. Why are the birth parents always "emotionally disturbed"? When did it become common that all birth parents MUST have something wrong with them, therefore that is why their child is not with them??? This mentality just kills me, and if could not be further from the truth. Sure, you will always find some that are having troubles. But really? Are we all in that category? NO. Do we all have emotional problems? No. This is just a cop out to me. To me, this says something different than what is written. Rather it should say... "A closed adoption protects the PARENTS from an unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parent or birth family member."
Well there you go, I have said my peace and feel much better for doing so. If you have thoughts, please feel free to share them. As most of you know, I am quite open on my blog and know that I am not always right, or at least not always thinking the same thing as you. I never claimed to be the all knowing birth mother, just one woman's opinion about life after relinquishment.
Don't forget, you still have time to enter for your chance to win a copy of The Best For You, children's book about adoption!!! Follow this link until Thursday, April 7th! GiVeAwAy Starts Now!