Sunday, July 11, 2010

Baby Vanessa, Birth Mothers, and the Idiots Making Decisions!

Recently I read a post with...Adoptive Parents Nightmare ... in the title. It was a great little blurb about this whole debacle that is the Baby Vanessa Media Hype. It made me think very differently. The writer told of how the adoptive mother was on Good Morning America and for some reason, I was quite defensive about how this mother was going to leave the country in order to keep her baby safe. It prompted me to leave a comment that went something like this.....

This case is going to get a lot of attention because the key ingredient is to make the birth mother look very bad. Before I get too far, let me say that I have been a birth mother for over 20 years and I have a very positive outlook about open adoption. With that said, this story is a classic example of how the media gets a hold of a story about adoption and, as ALWAYS, there is a negative condentation to it. This mother obviously did not name him for a reason, perhaps a reason that has already been stated: “even though he has a history of domestic and child abuse.” Maybe this woman knew what he was like, knew that life would be traumatic with that behavior and did what she thought was best at the time for the child. Her choice was to not name the father.

Now, what I think would be a big help to this whole situation is if the adoptive parents of this child would understand and support the birth mother and where she is in all of this hype. I know that may be hard, but it will speak LOADS to the child later in life that her mother was supported through thick and thin by her adoptive parents. Far too often the birth mothers are left alone after a discovery like this, no one is willing to support her decision. The adoptive parents feel jilted, the father is angry that she chose adoption and may be trying for redemption…a payback perhaps (who knows what the story is between these two birth parents), and the birth mother feels guilty that everyone lives are now disrupted because she wanted to protect her child from potential harm. If the adoptive parents were to support this mother, show her that they will stand by her in any situation, then it would speak a thousand words to their character. It would speak a million words to the mother who chose to allow her heart walk without her. It would speak volumes to the judge that these parents care about the future of the child, and the mother who made them a family.

There was a reason she did not name him. Her reasons lead her to adoption. She should not be made a monster for wanting to do what was best for the child, at the time, in her mind. And you are right, the child should not be punished and moved to a foster care miles away in a home she does not know. The big wigs should just get all their ducks in a row and assess the dynamics before making quick decisions. But the bottom line here, and the point I am trying to make is that this is not just a nightmare for adoptive mothers out there … it is the worst kind of nightmare for a mother of birth, too.

There is something to be said for wanting to protect your child. If you are a parent, then you know that you would do anything for them. Let's not vilify this mother for trying to do just that. We don't know the whole story, let's not be hasty about uprooting so many lives before you know all sides of the story.


Deborah Bibart said...

well said Kels.......................xo

an adoptive mom of many

Birthmothers make decisions for that time in there life not what the future may bring! Always honor the one that made it possible for you to be a parent!!!