Until I Am Strong Enough To Carry On

When I was in my late twenties I sustained a work injury that really messed my back up to point that I limped for several years, endured physical therapy, was sent to learn a new trade because I would no longer be able to perform my old job .... Blah, blah, blah,

Long story short, eventually my back healed but from time to time I would move the wrong way or hike too long and just like that, it was back. That same nagging pain. I could mask it with medicine, but nothing helped more than stretching, walking and working out the pain until I was strong enough to carry on.

I feel the same way about adoption. Having been through it for the last 20+ years as a mother, I will admit that, no ... It has not been easy. I sustained an injury to my heart. That is a wound that of course is deep, but to add to it the fact that it was self inflicted made it much harder for me to wrap my head around. I had a really rough go in the beginning, totally devastated and could feel my heart hardening. Then time and love from friends and family helped heal, helped remind me that I am who I am. (If that makes sense).

And one day, I would hear something ... See something ... Smell something that would cut again, just as if I twisted my spine the wrong way, and I would have to go back to square one. However, after some years I learned that each time there was something new to be learned. Perhaps I cry at my son's ceremonies because I am reminded of all I missed with my adopted children? Perhaps my funk during spring is because orange blossoms remind me of the walks I would take while pregnant?

When that happens, when I make the connection, I try to revisit the scene if possible ... face it, take a deep breath and turn that memory back into a smile. Make it do what it used to do, before the loss. I do not do this because I want to forget the loss, that will never happen. Rather I am trying to replace the loss with the beautiful moments I experienced. The moments I want to keep with me, sacred, only important to me for my own reasons. And as with the back injury, I stretch my mind ... walk the memories and work through the pain until I am strong enough to carry on.