Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Only One Life

 photo found at kevinalanlamb.com
 I love to read. It is the one thing that anyone can do to get away, without paying an arm and a leg for a vacation. One year ago, I was stuffing my nose into any book I can find on adoption. The Girls Who Went Away. Good Girls Don't. Birthmark. Life Givers. The Primal Wound. And the list goes on and on. I could not get enough of other's stories, studying their thoughts, their fears, their lives. I was hell bent on discovering all that there was to discover about adoption, or at least discover some things I did not already know.

For months I devoured all kinds of literature, whether books, Internet, or magazines ... I wanted to know it all. Soon I realized that I was filling my heart with more questions, more pain and more uncertainty. I talked to all kinds of people who were in the triad and was fascinated by all that was being presented to me. It was amazing, yet quite taxing at the same time. I know that life of loss is hard, and for some it is torture. I tried very hard to be open and keep in mind that not everyone had the same experiences I had, and more so I tried to keep every story close to me. As if I could recount everything I had read and where it should be utilized.

It was a long journey that helped me understand things better, but I did realize that it was also taxing my heart. It is a huge load to bear when you try to solve the world's problems.

This year, I am still reading. However this time it is not about adoption, but rather things not at all related to adoption. I reread The Outsiders which reminded me how much I love SE HINTON.  I then blew through Rumble Fish, That Was Then This Is Now and Tex as if I were reading for dear life. I found some authors that I had never been exposed to, and also came across some gems that I had never heard of but captured my soul non the less. Shoeless Joe was a fantastic journey. Although I have seen Field of Dreams many times, reading the book upon which the movie was based was almost religious for me. As I read it, I fell in love all over again with the game of baseball. Then my thoughts drifted to my boys and how much they love the game. I have taught both of them the position of catcher and just like me, they love putting on the equipment and sacrificing their bodies to stop the ball ... protecting not just the plate but their whole team against unwanted runs. Every turn of the page, I was reminded of how much one generation can teach another. My heart was filled with peace in a way that only a book can do.

I found that while I let my mind wander to what my boys could be doing years from now (playing for the Cardinals ... the older catching for the younger who pitches so effortlessly it is like watching a dancer move with precision to music), my heart settled on the thought that life is good and I am so very blessed.

What is the point of this post? Life goes on. It moves at lightning speed the older you get and soon you have to choose what is more important: living in the past and mulling over things you cannot change or loving what you have been given and cherishing who you are no matter what your past may have been.

You only have one life. Make the best of it and learn to forgive what you cannot change and love what you can do here and now.


riversnake said...

I understand so much where you are coming from, Kelsey! Initially I started reading everything I could get my hands on about adoption... books, blogs, magazines, etc. I desperately wanted to make sure I was a concious, supportive adoptive parent. I wanted to be able to anticipate what feelings of loss my son would feel so I could be prepared to be there for him and help him through. But I too found that in many ways it was making me so sad and overwhelmed about adoption. I felt I was the worst person ever and had doomed my son to a life of hell for adopting him. I also spent so much time immersed in the stories of others that I let them drown out my son's story, his feelings and his cues even though as his mother his feelings are the most important to me.
I too had to step back from so much adoption info so I could see the trees over the forest.
Great post! I will check out some of the books you have been reading, too :)

LeMira said...

I, too, can relate. I'm very grateful for ALL that I have learned about adoption, but I was getting my life sucked out of me because I was so focused on it. I want to be a positive person, and sometimes the negativity just grows and festers.