Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Always On My Mind

When it is quiet, I think a lot. My house is always busy busy with energy so the time between 9pm - Midnight is my time to relax and think about how the day went. And, as always, I let my mind drift to think about how the day was for my children that are not here.

I think it is important for those of us who have relinquished our rights to keep those little souls close in mind and heart. Of course it is not always easy. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call them. Other times I want to jump on the computer and start babbling about what is going on in my life ... oh and by the way, what is new with you? Then there are times when I do not feel worthy contacting them on a whim because what if they did not want to think about me today? What if they were going along just fine and seeing my name in their inbox makes them feel obligated to respond?

These are perfectly normal feelings for me to have, as well as some of you. This life we lead, this absence that we feel, the odd feelings of ambiguity that we come across is just a normal thing that we have to face every day. There is nothing wrong with thinking about them, and if it happens more than once a day ... well that is alright too! They will always be with you, no matter the miles between you. And to tell you the truth, I think they would feel a lot of comfort knowing that they are thought of, and most of all remembered, on a regular basis.

There is no limit to a mother's love, and there are no boundaries that keep us from feeling love for our children. So let your mind wander and let yourself feel those thoughts. I believe that the more you think about it, the more you work through it ... and that is how you will find the best way to cope with the loss that we sometimes don't know how to feel about.


Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

Monika Wrote:
I know these feelings SO well! And they say you can never tell your relinquished children enough that you think of them and you love them. So send a quick note! I'm sure your kids' parents think of you every single time they look at their kids. After all, you're a part of their children, and whether they "want" to think of you or not, they have to. I'm still trying to get past the feelings of "do they really care about me?" when I know the answer is unequivocally yes.

Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

Sorry Monika! I thought I hit publish but that button is very close to delete on my Gmail! I could not agree with you more, what a great comment for this post!!!

Holly said...

I loved hearing this from you. I think about Miles' birthmother all the what seem to be really random moments. I wonder if she thinks of him...I'm sure she does. She will forever be a part of not only his life, but ours. But we don't have a very open relationship and so I can't just pick up a phone and call her...but I wish I could.
Maybe someday. :)