Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Time Can Just Bite You In The ...

There are not enough hours in the day, nor are there enough days in the month! September has crept up and taken me by surprise because in my blogging world ... this past summer is pretty much a blur.

I can make a 1,000 excuses why I have not been writing, but that would be unfair now wouldn't it? I have a busy schedule, but I always have been going mach 1. I have been reading more, but I read all the time and still get writing done. But this was more than that, this past writer's block was much more than an absence of thoughts. Rather it was an overabundance of thoughts that plagued me and I just cannot write when there are too many ramblings in my brain.

It started back in July when I went home to spend time with family for a wedding. I was fortunate enough to also spend some time with my daughter. I have always cherished seeing her, always counted my blessings that she has been so accepting, so loving towards me. I came home and gushed about seeing her despite the awful migraine that TRIED to damper the day. I was thrilled to pieces and my heart was so full of content and peace. But then I started thinking to myself ... 'Well Kelsey, did you ever think about the twins and how they might feel reading these posts? Did you ever consider that this might hurt them? This affection that you show Bella, how does that make them feel? not having the opportunities to spend time with you the way she has?'

That is what I have been silently going through for the last couple of months. I can't help but wonder these kinds of things because this is what we do as mothers. We wonder how our children are, what they would think of something, what they are facing in their lives. It is impossible not to think of it, and yet there is not much that you really can do with those thoughts except mull them over. I love them all, always have and always will. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about them... then say a little prayer that they are healthy and happy. Then we have to hope that we can find a resolution to our wonderings, or at the very least a common ground on which to stand so that we can accept the things that we cannot change. It is a constant in life, this life as a birth mother. 20 years out and I am still finding things I did not think about, did not factor into my master "what if" file of adoption.

So I worked through it, paid a little more attention to what I needed for a while, then found the right time to let the fingers fly. I am not perfect. Although my adoptions have been relatively good the last few years there are still times when I have to take a step back in order to keep moving. I have lived a long time in adoption and am still learning everyday about myself, my true self and how to find not only strength ... but also a little forgiveness from time to time.