Tuesday, August 10, 2010

These Shoes Are Tight

Well, first I have to apologize for going MIA in adoption writing but there were life events that were more pressing than my musings as a mother. I have also taken to reading many books on the topic and have been engrossed with all of the thoughts that are forming in my brain as I read the wealth of knowledge that I have gobbled up. I had to take a step back for a while, not write, just process some of the new revelations that have come to me. Not so much relating to adoption per say, but in a subconscious way it all does. That is what I am finding fascinating lately, how much adoption touches my life.

After all this time I am finding that I now do not worry about what my adoptive children think of me, but more what my children that I have at home think of me. From as far back as I can remember, my boys have always known about their siblings because I see no reason to try and hide something like that from them. As a matter of fact, having my first child after the adoptions was a very difficult thought to have, and I really struggled with it for years in between my two lives. I spent a lot of time healing myself and making sure that I was exploring my new life in adjustment, I was making sure that I was thinking how to sort of separate myself from my first three children little by little. It wasn't until around '98 that I started to really concentrate on the fear of trying to explain to my next baby that he or she was not my first child. I was trying to comprehend all the scenarios that would come in the future as I looked forward to marriage, a family with the man that I loved.

I had a little help with the fact that my children are very understanding and compassionate kids. My oldest son will ask from time to time when he will meet his sister or brothers. I tell him that I am not sure when, but there will be a time soon that he can sit with them and talk to them. I cannot guarantee what will happen and it is this kind of scenario that I was thinking of all those years ago. I know that I relinquished my rights to my daughter and twin sons. I know that I would forever be dealing with issues related to not having access to them. But it is really different when I am trying to explain that to my child. I know that they understand and they are comfortable with talking about the adoptions For that I am grateful. It is just hard to see that there are consequences that I could not have foreseen at the time of the adoptions. I saw this scenario, but never was able to find the right way to deal with it and that is because I was not living it. Now, I am.

They do not ask these questions too often, and we do not sit around everyday and talk about adoption. But these are some interesting thoughts that I would challenge anyone to find a book to help me deal with the turmoil that I have inside about this one. I just do not want my children with me to think they are not loved...and that is the real problem. How can there be love? is what I ask myself. How can there be? There might be on my oldest son's part because he is the inquisitive one in the family and he knows more than his brother. But I would be pretty bold to speak for my other children and say that they love my children. That is pretty brass to claim. I am not sure how they feel about it, and it is not really my business to tell you the truth. I mean, how do you explain that to a 10 year old why mom can't just call up and say ... "We would like to see you, can we all meet?" I have to honor my older children because after all, I am the one who cut the ties first. I do not have a right to ask this question of them and would never impose like that, not ever. I know that when the time is right they will ask themselves, and they have all expressed interest in hanging out with their younger brothers. I know that it is bound to happen, that is how fantastic my adopted children are, so I am at peace when I answer the questions and reassure my sons that they will meet their sister and brothers.

It just hurts to see their curiosity, to see their faces confused when I answer..."I'm not sure." I guess this is almost like what adoptive parents go through. To see a thirst for knowledge and not being able to quench it because you cannot answer what you just don't know. It is almost as if the shoe is on the other foot with these deep thoughts of mine. Very interesting things going on in my head about my new grief, my new challenge in the ever changing life as a birth mother. And just when I thought I had it all figured out....


birthmothertalks said...

I struggle with this too. It's just not easy.

Kelsey Stewart, Author said...

I was reading your blog last night and almost sent you a link to my post. Thank you for letting me know htat I am not alone ;)

Karin Katherine said...

Wow, I can really see that this is a life long journey and you know---its not all different from parenting when you break it down to nuts and bolts. Parenting is a lifelong journey. It doesn't end at 18 and what your children need from you changes as the years go on.

As a (wanna be) adoptive mom I read this and I wonder how easy it is to go into a lifelong commitment for open adoption? Its not really about 18 years...its about life. Its about sharing your experiences as a parent with your child's birth mother----for life...and I wonder if like you, years from now I will find more grief "just when I thought I had it all figured out."

So much to contemplate and pray over.