Arms Held High

SO I was in this funk, right? Thinking of birthdays ... missing part of my heart. It is not always easy being the birth mother no matter where you are in the journey. One year, five years, thirty years. Time does not matter to the heart, not one bit. I have gone years without the funk, only to be smacked in the face with new feelings, new worries, new adjusting. Life is moving at lightning speed and it seems so unreal that it was THAT long ago. 


And as always, I take from it and learn. Then sometimes things work out so perfectly that I could not have written it better for myself. What a wonderful day the twins birthday was! I KNOW! It did not start that way, I was very anxious for some reason the morning of and as the day began I just sat down and wrote to them. I have a thing for telling them each a story for their birthday. It might be a memory from when I carried them. It might be some interesting family background about my or my husband's family. Every year I try to give them a little something that no one else can give them. After writing to them, I went about my day doing house things all the while feeling a little better with every passing hour.


Once school let out, it was easy. I am so busy after that bell rings that I am lucky to keep anything straight in my head let alone get my boys where they need to be and in a timely fashion. SO my older son, the one who is EXACTLY like me in every way shape and form, literally we look alike, act alike, think alike ... we both bawl at any movie that has a dog, sick child or warming tale of love. We are saps, and proud of it! My boy is a ball player, baseball being his favorite, followed closely by basketball. It is baseball that he truly loves, and this is something that I cherish. He had a game, so pasta for dinner and out the door we went for what would be a tough game against the #1 team. Usually I call the games, but this one I just wanted to watch. We were home team so when two runs crossed the plate in the top of the first, we knew that our boys had to fight their way back. 


Bodde stepped up to the plate #2 in the batting order. I thought the manager was crazy, Bo always bats 3rd - 5th, but never 2nd. I have recorded every one of his at bats this year because there is no better way for a batter to learn than to watch what it is that he is doing. But being the official scorekeeper for the team I was busy with the book and thought I can miss just one at bat. With one strike, and facing the one of the best pitchers in the division, Bodde lifted his left foot towards the plate, found his spot in the box and relaxed his shoulders ... waiting for the pitch. It came in, I saw his hips pop towards the pitcher and I heard the most beautiful sound. Like a cork popping off of a champagne bottle the ball lifted into the air with good speed. I could hear parents in hushed voices encouraging the ball to go ... get out ... keep going ... I never took my eyes off the ball as it was perfectly outlined by the night sky. I then saw it surpass the fence of the filed then hit the top of the building behind the field, then everything was loud. I bounced down three rows of concrete seats with my arms held high, happy crys coming from my throat, and pure pride on my face. He had a fist held up as he rounded second. A blur of red uniform shirts gathered around home plate. He jogged down the base line not just smiling, but BEAMING! Bodde hit his first official HOME RUN out of the park!


Holy Crap! Heart racing. Smile not leaving. Hands shaking. Legs weak. This was me for the remainder of the game. And all I could think was ... what a great birthday present! Here I was stressing, thinking too much about the past and loosing sight on the here and now. I was starting to feel down because of feelings from the past. But that kid, that amazing blonde headed kid who knows just how to make me smile ... lift my spirit ... and reignite my soul ... a step back and I saw it. I saw what purpose I have NOW. Who I am raising NOW. And how lucky I am to have him now to remind me life is all a mystery, so stop trying to figure it all out. Just enjoy the ride.

Later that night, just before he was going to sleep, Bodde and I were talking about how awesome the hit was, how he was shaking until about the third inning, and how relieved he was to finally hit the ball that he always knew he had in him. One of those late night talks filled with smiles and sighs. He then said, "Hey Mom, can you send the picture of me and Chase with the home run ball to the boys? And tell them Happy Birthday from me." I smiled and told him I would. 

Then my heart melted all over again.

I will save the rest of the story for the next post. There is just too much to it, and I want to highlight what this particular birthday was for not just me, but the twins as well. There were responses to the stories. And just when I thought life was already blessing me with the family I have, it goes and gives me more reasons to advocate for Open Adoption.