Adoptee Asks a Tough Question

I encourage my readers to ask questions if they have them, and this is one that came through that I have to answer:

I came across your blog in the Adoption Circle. I am an adult adoptee. I found your blog and it peeked my curiosity. I'm trying to understand why you felt ok to raise some of your offspring but not the others? How do you explain that to the adult adoptee?

Thank you for your curiosity, and thank you even more for this question. Let me say first off, there was a 10 year gap between the births of my children placed for adoption and the birth of my son Bodde. I had plenty of time to grow, beat myself up, grow some more and eventually come to terms with the fact that I have children in the world that I chose not to raise.

There are many reasons why I chose not to raise my first three children, I call them children and not offspring because I do not see them as objects. I know, I did not raise them but no one can tell me that they are not my children. I was there, I gave birth to them and therefore I can call them my children. I have explained before on this blog the reasons, but I will give you a short version of it. A) I was young when I had my children and did not feel mature enough to raise children at that time. B) I had many issues going on at the time I found myself pregnant. I did not feel that it would be fair to bring a child into the world and expose them to my problems, serious problems that I could not begin to understand myself. I found it virtually impossible to TRY and justify raising a child when I could not even take care of myself. C) I was not married when I became pregnant. This seems to be a selfish reason to some, however it was not to me. I was raised without a father and I can testify that it really can mess with a child's life when there is not that father figure there to help with the life lessons that need to be taught to children (not to mention the love and acceptance that is needed by all children from their parents). D) I was in the middle of trying to complete college, to be one of the first in my family to have the opportunity to get a college education.

I feel that being able to provide for your children is important, and I knew that if I raised my children I would not finish college and more than likely would be working several jobs for the rest of my life just to put food in their mouths and a roof above their head. At the time, I could not provide a father for them, I could not provide the emotional stability in myself that I would need to raise them, and I definitely could not provide a home, stable job or any of the other things that are sooooo important in raising children. Of course, this is all my opinion of myself and my situation. Everyone's lives are different, everyone sees themselves differently than they appear to others. I had no problem admitting that I needed help at a time when so many others might be ashamed to ask for it.

That was when I was younger. As time went by, I healed my heart while keeping in touch with all three of my children's parents, if for nothing else so that they could tell my children how much I cared about them. I was fortunate to have wonderful parents that raised my adopted children and understood MY reasons for choosing adoption.

Years later I married my soul mate and of course we wanted a family of our own. 10 years is a long time, and so much can change and be learned in that amount of life. When it came time to deliver my son Bodde, you better believe that your exact question crossed my mind more than a few times. I had always worried about what my adopted children would think if I had children after them. I struggled with that emotion for a long time until the actual birth took place. After being with Bodde for a few days in the hospital we went home and it was in those quiet moments at home that I realized just exactly what I had given up, and exactly what I was able to give those parents. It is pretty powerful to feel the unconditional love from a child. I would not even be able to compare it to any other thing in life. It did not take long for me to realize that although I had missed so much in my adopted children's lives, I could not begin to measure what it was that I really gave to them in the long run. Loving parents who moved mountains to show them what life and love is all about.

I have been paid back in spades. My two boys that I am raising love their parents and their lives, and the same can be said for my adopted children as well