Was I scared to have children of my own after placing for adoption? You bet! Terrified was more like it. I remember thinking to myself ... 'How will I ever explain to my next child that they are not my first born? How will I tell them about my former self, how it all happened, and more importantly WHY it happened.' Oh, I spent many an hour thinking about having children after adoption.
One thought that I had over and over was, how will my adopted children react to that? Knowing that I placed them, but raised other children after them? Is that even a question? Don't know. All I do know is that it caused a whole lot of anxiety for me. I was not sure how I would be able to handle those questions, those beautiful souls crushed even more by my actions to have children after them. I mean, I wanted to punish myself for even thinking about it. I was in a struggle to understand how my heart was supposed to feel when thinking about having another child. Was I even worthy to have more children?
I think the biggest hurdle that I faced was how I would react to being pregnant, then delivering another child. How would I face those emotions from so long ago? Would I be happy? Would it bring it all back in a bad way, in a torturous way? Would I be forever thinking about all that I missed the first time around? Would I ever be able to think of this as my first time as a mother? (No. Plain and simple for the last question, the answer is no.) How will I ever be able to keep the peace with my heart as I walk the path again knowing that I was going to face the biggest critic of my whole life, myself? Would I enjoy motherhood? Would it drive me mad? Would it be nothing but reminiscing for my younger self, what could have been?
It was hard to think about having my own children in my later married life. But you know what? I got pregnant and it happened. I had more children. And it wasn't weird. It was not heartbreaking. It was not the complexity of emotions that I thought it would be. Sure, as time goes on and things in my boys daily lives happen I DO see what it was that I missed with my first children. I have had moments when I silently cry because I have missed most of their lives as a mother. However, there are many more moments that I look at my boys and see what it is that parenthood means: appreciating life in it's simplest and most rewarding form, children.
I see now what it was that adoption meant to those parents whom I chose. I see in my everyday life what children can do to your soul, how they can change you, how they can help you heal the most painful of wounds. I see in my life how amazing each and every one of my children are, and how very fortunate I am to know them all. I see in my life that I have done the best I can with what I have been given, and in the end it is life that continues to teach me to be a better person.