Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Not Once, But Twice

Adoption is a difficult thing to endure as a birth mother. If you are one, you know of what I speak and if you are not one, well you can only imagine the path that we have walked. It is not something that once you are done with it, you want to do again. Well, sometimes life has a peculiar, unexpected and clear path that is chosen for you and in my case it was something that I did do again.

It was only a year and a half after I had my daughter and I was still dealing with the heartache of letting her go when of all things, I found myself pregnant again! This time, I was 5 months pregnant with twins and I really had no idea what had happened. Have you ever heard of a woman who did not know that she was pregnant until she goes into labor? Unbelievable, right? Not possible to carry a child and not know it. I am here to tell you that it can happen. I was still having periods, still having the cramps and everything that comes along with a period, I still fit into my clothes even though some a little tighter than others, but not a huge difference. The ONLY thing that I had issues with was I would get sick and throw up after a big meal. Other than that, life was pretty normal, not one clue that I could be carrying not one, but two children in my womb.

So, why oh why would I do it twice? For all the same reasons in the first adoption but with one big factor: I was still grieving the loss of my daughter. I was not sitting alone all day on my bed or anything. I mean, I was moving on with life, don't get me wrong. However, I was really having trouble with the heartache and guilt of it all. I had no doubt in my mind that I was heading for another adoption. But what an completely different pregnancy it was. I handled it from a distance almost, if that makes any sense. I knew what the outcome was going to be and I knew what was awaiting me at the end of the pregnancy. So, I figured that I would just distance myself a little more, not feel for them what it was I felt for my daughter.

No luck there, I still felt the same amount of love and amazement. So instead, I began to look at it like I was training for an event. I walked 5 miles a day, I started eating less meat and more greens, I drank nothing but water and milk, I took very good care of my body because I wanted to make sure that I was strong when delivery came. (My doctor told me before hand that he would not allow me to have an epidural because of the multiple birth factor. He wanted me to be in control of my body just in case anything went awry in delivery, do NO DRUGS FOR ME!)

I also began to train my mind to think ahead of time what that hospital stay was going to be like. I already knew what was coming and I spent the remainder of my pregnancy accepting and letting go far in advance. Well, it worked quite well because somehow I became the voice of reason and comfort for all who were there in that delivery room. Sure, I had a case of turrets syndrome once the dilatation went rapidly and the contractions came once every two minutes ... "just breathe" .... one minute ... "breathe" ... and that was me saying this to everyone just before the sailor returned to spit out some savvy jewels. It was more peaceful, less confusing and since the parents were actually present during the birth this time around, well it just helped to witness the birth of a new family. So different, so much more learned, but just as hard to forgive myself as it was with the first adoption. In the end it was an awakening for my mind to always remember, lightening can strike twice no matter the odds.

And no, I do not regret the second adoption after having been through one already. I had never been so sure of anything in my life, scared as hell that my heart would not recover, but absolutely positive I knew what I was doing. And I did know what I was doing. What fine young men they are, and how grateful I am that they understand and accept the person that I am. We all have to do things in life that may not be the best for our hearts to endure, but hope can allow you to believe in what the future has to hold.


Sally Bacchetta said...

I just love you, Kels!