Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Random Controversy

In life, there are no guarantees. I have heard that, and said it, probably 1,000 times in my life. I know, it's life and there are things that are beyond every one's control. I had a friend ask me the other day..."Why do you think there is so much controversy when it comes to adoption?" Love you, but lordy what a loaded question. Pertaining to....? Birthparents? Adoptees? The life long changing point of view for every single person who is or will be involved with you? Give me more to go on, it is too broad a question. I answered my thoughts about my view and how I see the other sides, but as always I start to thinking and then these things come to me.

Why the controversy?

Well, first and foremost there are moral views that some just cannot get past. It is a fact of life, there are those that think that having children and not raising them is immoral. Shame is put upon those who would be so slutty as to get pregnant and then not keep their child. What is it that make some so quick to judge? Some say it is religion. Some say it is common sense. Some say it is society that drives our thoughts. No one person is EVER going to have the exact same thought about anything, much less adoption! It is what it is to each and every person involved with it. Sure, it is life changing. Sure it is harder for some than others. Sure there are some who take a long time to heal or come out of the dark and see it for what it is (to them). Point is there is no real one answer for everyone. Some are happy with it all. Some are not. I personally like the fact that I can read such great blogs about a subject that has been SOOOOO lacking in the literary world. The more voices you read, the more the answers will come to you ... and on your own terms. No big agenda here, just thinking out loud.

Then there is a harsh view of adoption as an industry and soooo many voices out there who only see the process as a transaction. I understand your point, I have read the statistics and seen the reports of the injustices done by courts, lawyers, social workers and so on in the name of so called help. I also know that it is very difficult for those with the harsh views to understand someone who has had different. Or the adoptee cannot see the birth parent's view or vice versa, and don't even get me started on the views the two have of the adoptive parents. (another post for another time.) There are some organizations that do deceive with false advertising. There are some organizations that will purposely lie to place children with families that could be perceived as "better". Again, I understand the fight. There is reason to see that point of view. However I will be a Debbie Downer here and point out that there is a high percentage of people who are happy in their lives, who do not see it as a transaction but rather a blessing. A way to help themselves. A way to become a family. A way to ... This debate could go on and on!

As me, Kelsey, I am offended sometimes if someone accuses me of being brainwashed by the system, the adoption system. There is no need to be rude or forceful in your opinion of me, we just have different stories with a common denominator: pregnancy. I had a vision of what my story should be, what I had hoped it would be, and with years of work, respect and persistence I am now able to write of the good things I have in my adoption world. I am not ashamed nor will I ever be. I have many friends, personal life long friends, who are connected to adoption and there is so much that I have learned from them about the other sides of the triad. I talk openly about my adoption success in order to keep hope alive for those behind me. If you are solid and understand your reasons, believe in them, know why it is that you chose adoption...then that is all you need. 'Know who you are' my mother would say when I was acting foolish or self doubting.

I know who I am, I also know who my children are. I know that I did my best to show them that I cared, I was thinking about them and that I would be there when they wanted me in their lives. To my good fortune, they are now in my life, and I in theirs. I think that says so much for being honest with not only them, but also myself. Either way, I have been replenished with pride for having the gumption to keep going, keep believing and keep hope alive that it would all work out in the long run. This is something for which I am thankful every single day.

Now that is the most random thought I think I have ever had!


Michael D. Lockhart said...

I was put up for adoption in the age before it attained commercial viability, so I'll admit to only having a passing understanding of the dynamics that can make modern adoption so potentially controversial. The concept that I find most frustrating is that people feel the need to make blanket judgments at all. For every worst-case scenario that makes it into talking points or onto the evening news, there are thousands behind it placing loved children into loving homes without fanfare.

In a better world, it's these unsung heroic stories, that lack the drama required to qualify for headline, 24/7 infotainment, that make adoption so worthwhile. As usual, in our culture, we trend towards placing the emPHAsis on the wrong syLAble.

By doing so we too often miss the beautiful thing that occurs when a loving mother faced with horrendous options makes a caring and heart-wrenching choice, and by doing so provides a better life for their child with a parent or parents that would otherwise never know the joy of raising a fabulous human being.

That's the story that you tell, and the one that we should tell and hear about more often.

Thanks for your stand and your courage, M