A Birth Mother Voice

Mark Schultz, A Grateful Adoptee

2012-01-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

Warning: If you are a birth mother, this video will grab your heart and hopefully help you realize that SOMETIMES there are adoptees who speak so beautifully about their origins. This man is one of those adoptees. This is a short interview that I found quite by accident, and as you who read me often know I do believe in fate, and I do believe that things happen for a reason. I think I found this video not only for me, but more so to share with my readers.

This passage is what brings it home for me, and hopefully these powerful words will touch you in the same way they did me:

"I can't wait someday to, in heaven, meet people who were born because their birth parents heard this song. I can't wait for my birth mom to meet those people so she can realize she didn't make a mistake." Mark Schultz

And then there is the song of which Mark is speaking of in this interview. This link will take you there. Mind you, there may be tears. There may be long sighs. There may be some reminiscing that will happen after seeing this. I don't share it to upset you, but rather to show you that somewhere .... someone took the time to write this for his mother and although he probably did not mean to, he has touched countless others who needed to hear these words from him.

Everything to Me ~ Mark Schultz

Thank you so much to Mark Schultz for this perspective. Thank you Mark for an honest interview that shows how much you have been affected by what your birth mother did for you. And finally, thank you Mark for making my heart smile ... both through your talent and your beautiful words in the interview. May your life continue to be blessed, and may you know what this song means to so many of us.

Intriguing Talk About Adoption

2012-01-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

So, last I left you I posted for The Open Adoption Examiner where Lori is conducting, and rather beautifully I might add!, a book tour. Idea is that a group of writers, most in the adoption world and a few not so much, gather together to review and share their thoughts on a book. That book is Found: A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. What AMAZING conversations are going on within the comments sections of just about every post, my eyes are literally tired from reading. Like a magnet to metal, I have been glued to the screen. Her Tour is where I have been for the last four days!

The best aspect of this tour is that the author herself has been making the rounds, reading right along with everyone else. She has been kind, thorough, and intriguing in her comments but always with a curiosity and gratitude that for me, is quite refreshing. Others have made her think, just as she has made us think. I have to say that her voice has been fascinating to read.

I cannot try enough to convince you to get over there and read some of the honest, intriguing, heartfelt, views that are coming together to talk openly about adoption. The old saying food for thought is not close. This book tour has become a place where everyone keeps talking, communicating, and sharing together for enlightenment from ALL sides of adoption. I will share with you the link again, and encourage you to take some time this weekend to visit, read and think.

Found Book Tour

Adoptee Memoir ~ Found by Jennifer Lauck

2012-01-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I was asked if I wanted to join a book tour for Open Adoption Examiner. Lori, who is amazing, is the brainchild behind these tours which go something like this: She asks a group of people to read a particular book, we read it & then submit questions based on what we have read. Lori sends us various questions to answer about the book, in turn we write a bit about the book and then submit our answers to the queries of others. The last one I participated in was for James L. Gritter's Life Givers Tour and I met many amazing folks through that en devour. This time around we were assigned Found, a memoir by best selling author Jennifer Lauck. Let me start by saying I had no idea how much this book would affect me.

Jennifer is an adoptee, twice actually, who spent a majority of her life searching for something that she could not describe. Through the book I learned that she was searching for herself along with her birth mother and her origins. Jennifer's writing is spectacular with details so clear I felt sometimes that I was in the room with her. I was in awe as to how she pulled me in and did not let go until my eyes were weary from trying to keep up. The short version: I could not put this book down.

Lauck's ambition and drive begins shortly after she leaves her somewhat family life for college, determined to be her own person in a world that could not provide answers to some of her deepest questions. Early on in the book she speaks about karma, well speaking about it does not do her justice. Jennifer dives into the definition and sets the reader up for one amazing story of karma and how it was a repeated facet of her life, even though she did not know it until much later after she finds her birth mother. I speak of this because every time Lauck finds out something about her birth family, all I could think about was the link she made to karma at the beginning of the book.

Lauck goes on to become a journalist and eventually an author. Her first memoir about her life, New York Times Bestselling Blackbird: A Childhood Lost and Found, was a great success for her. With that success came speaking engagements which ignites Jennifer to research adoption, and with her background to say she researched is an understatement.
"I tried to understand how I could contribute (she was asked to speak at an adoption event). I asked questions and conducted interviews. I discovered that none of the people who managed adoption for this group had been adopted. None of them had experienced mother-loss to any sort either.
"This seemed incredible. I would have thought that the first order of business for those who handled adoptions would be empathy garnered by direct experience. How can one know the poser of mother-loss unless they too have lost a mother?"
That powerful question leads her to Nancy Verrier whom Jennifer then works with to uncover so many different emotions and feelings left from the uncertainty of who and where she came from. At this point I was so enchanted by Lauck's tale I wanted to crawl into the book.

I will not give too much away because this book is definitely worth your time. Earlier I said that Found affected me. Boy did it. So much so that I did not turn in any questions to ask Ms Lauck. Why? I felt I had no right to ask her any questions. From my perspective as a birth mother, this book moved me beyond words. To feel Jennifer's pain was haunting. When the book reveals the moment when Lauck does meet her mother, well, I was too familiar with her mother to think that I could ask her questions. It was not a bad response, Lauck meeting her mother. It was quite the opposite. But as with all reunions, there were very difficult parts that resonated with me in a way that I never felt before. To hear it from Lauck's heart and head, to know what she was thinking during those conversations and those moments that she was with her mother was an incredibly powerful thing to read. I was touched by Lauck's honesty and compassion. I was moved to tears reading some of those words, especially this passage when she speaks to her mother for the first time on the phone:
I cleared my throat and spoke that truth.
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for my life."
Catherine exploded like a heavy sky, tears raining, and her voice comes ragged.
"That is the most amazing thing you could have said to me," she managed. "I was just so sure you have hated me for what I did to you."

Thank you Jennifer Lauck for writing such a brilliant and compelling book about a subject that needs so much attention. I would recommend this book to all in the adoption triad, especially birth mothers and adoptees. Found will make you think, help you understand where the adoptee is coming from and hopefully make you ask some important questions of yourself no matter where you are in your adoption journey.
Here is where you can find Jennifer's book: Found
And here is where you can find more information about Jennifer.

Now, to the Book Tour for Open Adoption Examiner. Here are my responses to questions about Found.

Q: Shame figures prominently in Lauck's experience. She traces it to her mother's experience: "was I actually reliving the shame absorbed by my mother in 1963 and thus absorbed by me as the baby she carried? Was I trying to heal the both of us through my reenactment of her past?" (p. 94). Later, she writes that "No one spoke of adoptees and their silent sorrows. We were acquired, assimilated, and adapted" (p. 116). Is adoption inherently shameful, or is it only shameful because of when the process and the people involved are treated as unworthy or undeserving? Lauck's language, especially the term "acquired," suggests that adoptees have been treated as commodities rather than people. Does this resonate with you?
Kelsey's response:
Shame is ever present in adoption. I was not shamed into placing my child for adoption, rather I had wonderful support from all those around me. But that is not to say that there was still shame that surrounded it. No one was ashamed of me, not in the least. But society as a whole, especially those NOT involved with adoption, really does generate shame when a child is born and placed for adoption. The US has made great strides in adoption, but there is always room to grow and no one said it better than Ms Lauck in her book ~ (pg265) "Adoption, in an open situation, is humane." Shame should not be a part of adoption, but it is. What I want everyone to think about is what that shame will do to the adopted child. If one is ashamed of their actions or the actions of the birth family, wouldn't the adotpee feel that shame and then place it upon themselves? Not sure of the answer, but it seems a very good question to me.

To answer the other part of this question, adoption language is a very personal thing. I think people use the terms that they are comfortable with and that is just fine by me. But as far as adoptees being treated as commodities rather than people, well I don't see that side of it. After all, I gave birth to adoptees and I don't see them as commodities.

Q: On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?
Kelsey's response:
The passage that you speak of struck me to the core. You see, when I had my daughter she was forced by the State to go into Foster Care for a month. I had every right and took those liberties to see her while she was in Foster Care. When I went to see her, as soon as I started talking to her ... everything about her changed. She recognized my voice, she would move in closer to me as I held her, she looked so intently at me that I swear she was looking right through me. This reaction amazed me, as well as my mother. I knew she knew me. I could see it in her face. And believe me, every time I had to give her back to the Foster Parents it was heartbreaking. But, I knew that she needed to know that she would be alright. That is why I went to visit her in that house considered a mutual meeting ground. In those visits, I could see her identify with me and THAT was a feeling I knew no one could take from me. It was in those quiet moments that I explained to her my love for her and my reasons for letting her go.

Q: Did the author's narrative style influence how you viewed certain eras of her life (childhood, young adulthood, the present), or did events themselves shape how you saw the story?
Kelsey's Response:
Jennifer's writing just pulled me in! I did like how she bounced back and forth from present time to past, it was a great way to see how she is now (after reunion) and how it was changing her views throughout the book. I paid so much attention in this book that the events really shaped the story for me. I learned much more than about adoption in this book. I particularly liked the way she introduced her love for Tibetan Buddhism. It was wonderful to see how that all came about, and the incredible karma that surrounded her life.

Thank you Lori for inviting me to join this tour, I love what you are doing for adoption and wish there were thousands more like you out there in the world!!

To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

What An Awful Thing To Say

2012-01-12T02:00:00.000-08:00

Oh no you didn't!

I am doing some research for an article that I am writing and yesterday I asked a question on my Facebook Page and the responses were astounding, heartbreaking and down right jaw dropping.

I try to look at the positive side of things and ultimately I see the good in my journey through adoption. I asked this question because I really am curious to know which side gets the worst of it. Turns out, all sides of the triad of both adoption and foster care get some pretty incomprehensible things said to them, not just by complete strangers but even worse, those they know and love.

So I ask this question of all my readers and passerby's:

What is the most negative thing someone has said to you regarding adoption?

Please know I ask this with respect and my intent is to write about these responses in a future article. No names will be used, I will only identify what side of the triad you speak from.

I welcome all to answer with as much explanation or as little as you like.

The Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2011

2012-01-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

I received word this morning that one of my posts from last year was chosen by a reader at Production, Not Reproduction to be on this list! Thank you CYNTHIA! (Who in my mind had THE BEST post of the year this year with this nugget I loved!) I know, it is a little egotistical to blow your own horn. But if my horn blows loud enough for others to hear it, why not be proud of that beautiful noise?????

So I thought I would provide you with a link to the place where it is all stored, the BEST blog posts about open adoption! Thank you Heather for working so hard on your amazing site! Thank you to all the writers who opened their hearts and minds to speak so honestly about their adoption journey. And thank you to all or YOU for continually reading in order to learn more about this sometimes tricky subject!

I feel blessed to be in the company that I am in on this list! Amazing voices that deserve to be heard ... take some time this week to visit these posts and collect your own thoughts and ideas. It never hurts to see it from other points of view!

Best Of Open Adoption Blogs 2011

Book Reviews, Magazine Launces and A Fire Festival ... OH MY!

2012-01-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

There are going to be fireworks in 2012!

Sometimes life jumps up and surprises you from time to time. Today is no exception. It is only 10 am and so far, FANTASTIC DAY!

It started a couple of days ago when I found this heartfelt review of my book, The Best For You. I wasn't looking for it and had no idea that she planned on doing it but there it was shouting out to me in my google alerts. I say a hearty Thank You to Cat for sharing her thoughts with all of her readers. Even more so, I am grateful for her kind words of admiration for the book. What a delight for me to find!

Then last night I responded to a friend, one of the first people I met in online adoption land, who asked me to come to the LA area to speak with her group. Angela is an amazing woman who's interest and research in adoption are a passion that she lives, and her heart is as wide as the Grand Canyon! She has a great blog and site with beautiful voices she has found. For more information please visit her at Adoption FYI. Thank you Angela for keeping me in mind and for your wonderful invitation! (Oh, she also said that I was becoming famous which will get her everywhere with me ;)

But the best part about all of this info is that I spoke to Jane Ballback again this morning, discussing the launch of her new publication AdoptionVoicesMagazine.com for which I will be a contributor. Jane is great to talk to, has a wonderful outlook on life and just makes me want to get out there and go, go, GO! Other people feel the same way about her because there are many, many fabulous people in adoption who have been coming out of the woodwork to show an interest in her magazine and connections. I have a good feeling about this magazine and an even better feeling that I am moving forward in my goal to be a voice that people can connect with, feel my story and learn from what I have to say. I cannot recall the last time I felt so optomistic about my book, my writing and my message. Wooooo Hooooo!

The CHERRY ON TOP is this horoscope that I found in a paper I picked up this weekend. Called The Ventura County Reporter, it is a local paper that is published in Ventura, California. Now I am not a real close follower of horoscopes, but I will read them if I see them just because I am curious as to what they have to say. Well good for me for reading this one because it just coincided with what is really happening in my life right now.

It's going to be a GOOD 2012!!

Leo ~ January, 2012

Free Will Astrology by Rob Brenzsy

I love the way they celebrate the New Year in Stonehaven, Scotland. A procession of revelers swings big flaming baskets around on the ends of long chains. I recommend that you carry out a comparable ritual as you barge into 2012, Leo. Symbolically speaking, it would set the perfect tone. The coming months should be a kind of extended fire festival for you ~ a time when you faithfully stoke the blaze in your belly, the radiance in your eyes, and the brilliance in your heart. Are you ready to bring all the heat and light you can to the next phase of your master plan? I hope so. Burn, baby, burn.

Familiar Trail, But a Life Adjusted

2012-01-04T06:51:00.000-08:00

New Year's Day. Some people love it. Some dread it. I am good with it because it seems to me folks have a kind attitude about them this time of year. Perhaps it is Holiday stress relief. Or it could be the promise of a New Year and all that it may hold. I used to spend the day with my man, parked on the couch watching cheesy movies marathons which always seemed to have a Patrick Swayze flick thrown in the mix. These days are a little different. We have two fantastic bundles of energy that need to be occupied at all waking hours or boyhood mischief ensues.

This year we went to Ojai for a hike. Now, we planned for a week to go to Malibu and hike a trail that Bruce has been wanting the whole family to explore, however 50mph gusts in the canyon is not my cup of tea. I watched a few years ago as a small brush fire turned into a raging inferno that consumed every thing in it's path and I don't want to spend a beautiful day running for my life! So just a short drive up the mountain and through town we found ourselves at the mouth of Pratt Trail. I know this trail well. I used to hike it when I was pregnant with the twins while living in this gorgeous mountain town. I walked it at least three times a week as a part of my routine, and I had not been on this trail since the boys were born all those years ago.

I was a little apprehensive at first, but then just too excited to see if it was at all the same. I brought up the rear of our family line through the wilderness and that is where I usually am since I wear the hat of family photographer. I snapped away and thought of all those days walking up this gentle grade, thinking about life and how I was going to get through the rest of it after the second adoption. I worried too much about what people were going to think of me. I worried too much about how my relationship with Bruce would work out after having the boys. I worried too much about delivering twins with no medication what-so-ever (my doctor was very strict about that, with multiple births he wanted to make sure that I could feel everything in case of emergency). I worried too much. Period. I knew I would get through it. I knew I would marry Bruce someday. I knew the delivery would be fine. But on those walks I would let my mind wander so I could ask myself those hard questions. It was quite therapeutic for me. Those walks I would enjoy every day really helped me stay grounded and come to terms with what would eventually be.

We got to the point where I would always turn around and head back, but we pressed onward and upward into the foothills of the mountains. This was a new part of the trail for me, I had never gone this far because the climb was just too much for me with the weight of twins. After hiking a while longer came upon a clearing and decided that this would be our half way point. I turned to look and my oh my, what a view. It took my breath away. The valley was a pristine green which is unusual for winter in SoCal, things are usually brown from lack of rain. I could see all the way to the Channel Islands that sit off the coast and the ring of fog that surrounded them, that is how spectacular the view was. I took pictures, but it does not do it justice. I was in awe. Then my oldest son Bodde came running up to me and asked if we could get a picture together. And there it was. The moment. That one moment that comes along and changes everything, changes the way you look at something. There, in his sweet blue eyes, I saw so much and felt nothing but love.

We took our picture, a self portrait in front of the mountain and it is not the best picture we have ever taken but for me, it will be the memory that makes it special. After we took it and after I was overwhelmed with that feeling of love, we continued on our day hike back the way we came so we could enjoy the reward of a big pizza pie at the local pizza place. I took that trip down memory lane as a significant sign. When I hiked it 20 years ago, I never went past that certain point. This past weekend, I went past that spot and onto a better spot with a spectacular view. I had never seen that part of the trail, the beauty that it held and the view that it offered. And in going further on that trail this past weekend, I felt as if it was an overall look at what my life has been since the adoptions. An amazing, ever rolling and colorful landscape that inspires the peace of a life well lived.

Rose Bowl Parade .... Something You May Not Have Heard

2012-01-02T11:28:00.000-08:00

The Rose Bowl Parade was on today and I watched some of it. I then remembered this post that I did from last year that had an amazing fact that so many people did not know from the 9-11 Tribute Float in 2011. Yeah, I know it is a year later but I wanted to share this because I still find it an amazing thing that these people did to honor those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.

Hope you enjoy this little known fact, and that you all have the Happiest of New Year's!!!!!!

Rose Bowl Parade Fact

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

2012

Happy New Year to all of you! May the coming year be the year that we all take some time to be kind to others, listen with a compassionate heart to those that need a helpful ear and enjoy the people we are. New year's hold so much promise, I hope that this will be the year you will remember for a long time to come!

~ Kelsey

The Mother She Never Knew

2011-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00


Jackie Oddo, left, recounts the story of looking for her birth mother as her newfound cousin, Mary Lynn Illos, right, listens. Illos and other relatives welcomed Oddo into the family when they met her. Sharon Cantillon / Buffalo News

Found this story and thought it was quite unique. What an amazing family to embrace this woman and share with her the mother she never knew. If you have time, please read. I was overwhelmed by this statement:

"Illos was bursting with emotion. "It was almost like a gift because it took away my mourning and grief," she said. "It was like I felt hope. I felt excitement. That, 'Oh my gosh. There's a piece of Marsha left.'"

Read story here .... and thank you to Maki Becker, News Staff Reporter at BuffaloNews.com for shedding light on such a touching and significant story!
Grief bears a gift of joy ~ Town of Tonawanda

It Is What You Make Of It

2011-12-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have read so much recently about adoption and how it affects the adoptee. Some great stories, some not so great. It never ceases to amaze me how each person views the same subject differently. Of course we know that not everyone is happy in adoption and there may be many reasons for that. However, there is something that I think everyone forgets when it comes to life: It is what you make of it.

Sure, that sounds easy to say but in all reality it is true. Take me for example. I am not adopted, but I do know what it is like to live a life in a rejected state. When I was young, my father chose to leave our family to peruse a life that he wanted. It was 1973 and I was three years old when he left. I didn't think too much about it because he was in the military and I just figured he was gone because if his job. It was 5 long years before I saw him again and to be honest, I had no idea who he was. Once I figured it out, the rest of the day was spent looking at him and then trying to be the best little girl I could ... perhaps I was trying to impress him at my ripe old age of 8.

It wasn't until I was about 15 that the trauma of being abandoned hit me like a hurricane bearing down on the East Coast. I had many issues that I was not sure how to deal with. I wanted to know what it was that I did that would have caused him to leave. I wanted to know why I was not enough to keep him with the family unit. I wanted to know who he was and if he loved me. Most of all, I wanted to know what it was that was so terrible that made him leave. I, of course, did not ask these questions of him because I was afraid that I would make him mad or scare him off. After his long absence, the last thing I wanted was to NOT know his reasons for doing what he chose to do.

After much heartache, self discovery and sleepless nights I finally went into counseling to try and help myself understand what it was that I DID to cause this immense amount of pain that my heart was feeling. 12 long years of heartache, unanswered questions and feeling less than adequate was starting to take its toll on my heart, my mind and most of all ... my soul. Then one day I realized, all this pain is in me and no one will be able to help it unless I help myself. So away with the bitterness and anger I felt for him, and in with the "it was HIS decision, not mine" mentality that would eventually lead me to the conclusion that what he did was done. There was nothing I could do about it all those years later, he left and life was moving along without him there. I figured out that if I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself then I was never going to heal all the wounds that were left when he walked away. I realized that he had no bearing on the person that I was going to be, at least he would not have that power unless I gave it to him. That is what I had been doing for so long, giving him the power to keep me in the state that I was in.

I finally let it all go. I figured it was in the past and this was the present and why should I just sit back and let it run my life when I was worth so much more than that? I will give some of the credit to the counselor that I had. He was a great man who listened more than he lectured, and in listening he figured out the right questions to ask to help me think differently, to see it from a new angle. He helped me realize that it was not my father who had caused so much pain, but instead it was me that was causing myself pain by not moving past his actions. I was the only one who would be able to help myself. It took a long time to work though those issues, but eventually I did. The end result? I now have a respectable and happy relationship with my father.

I write all of this because I don't think people know the inner strength that each of us has. There are those that work through things and see the light on the other side. There are those that would rather place blame on someone else than to dig deep inside themselves to see what the real problems are. I don't write this to chastise those who have issues in life, I write this to remind all of you that life is what you make of it. We only have one shot in this thing we call life, and I think it should be lived to its full potential ... not wondering what it would be like if things were different.

Love yourself, forgive the flaws that you have and embrace the person that you are. In life we can teach ourselves so much and in the end it is us who makes the life we lead worth while.

Be

2011-12-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

Be strong, be compassionate, be kind, be the light you want to see in others but most of all .... be you!

Congratulations to all the entries for the last giveaway! I am so into the Holiday Spirit that YOU ALL are going to receive a book! If you entered, please email me here so I can get your address and send you the book: thebestforyoubook@gmail.com.

Thank you all for coming to enter, and for those of you who missed it there will be another chance to win in January! In the mean time, I will return before the New Year to put some thoughts to things I have seen this past week.

Christmas Story to Warm a Mother's Heart

2011-12-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

I had to share this with all of you. I loved this story. Yeah, some of the wording that the reported chose is not up to par, but cut him a break. I am just glad that THIS POSITIVE story about adoption made it to the mainstream media!

I hope you enjoy it, and may you all have a wonderful Christmas this weekend!

Here's to ornaments!!!!!

Adopted Man Gets Box of Christmas Joy from His Birth Mother

Adoptions From The Heart Giveaway!

2011-12-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have come across many people in this world of adoption who are pretty incredible. One of those contacts I have is from Adoptions From The Heart. They have a great blog and website designed to help all that are in adoption. My friend there emails me from time to time and asks if she can use my posts to put up on her site, and I am more than happy to oblige her because I believe in the voices who have lived the life and are willing to put themselves out there to help others understand a little better.

If you would like to check the site out, please follow this link to Adoptions From The Heart.
If you are interested in their blog, please follow this link AFH Blog.

I tell you all of this because today she was kind enough to share my post Holidays In Adoption on their blog. In honor of her doing so, I am hosting a GIVEAWAY of two of my books just for the Holidays. There is more than one way to enter the giveaway, so please look below for those chances.

1. Comment on this post and tell me what your favorite Christmas tune is for one entry.

2. Click on this link and like the Kelsey Stewart Fan Page on Facebook for one entry.

3. Explore the blog and if you find another post that you liked reading, comment here as the what the post was for one entry.

4. Follow Adoptions From The Heart Blog for one entry.

5. Share this Giveaway Post on your Facebook, Twitter or Blog for one entry.

Please leave a separate comment for every entry and don't forget to leave your email address in your comment so that I may contact you if you should win!

This Giveaway for The Best For You will end this Sunday, Christmas at 11:59 pm PST.

So feel free to share this information with anyone you know that might want to enter to win this book! And for those of you who have ventured here from The Adoptions From The Heart site, I welcome you to the blog and encourage you to read on!

Riddle Me This....

2011-12-14T14:41:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I cannot go anywhere in social marketing without someone schooling me on being a birth mother? I know all the generations sonny, I understand the repressed laws and awful social stigmas that come with being a birth mother. I know that not all birth mothers have my story or the outcome that I have. I know this. I get it. And just because I HAVE had a good experience in adoption does NOT MEAN I do not understand.

If I tell some of my story, perhaps I am doing so because people need to know that open adoption CAN work sometimes. If I decide to do giveaways of my book it is not because I am all happy go lucky about adoption, it is because I am trying to help people see what our side is like, what we go through not just at the time of the adoption but for every single day after. If I choose to sound happy it is because I am and I see nothing wrong with being happy in life.

Stop telling me who I am not. Stop stalking me to push your agenda on my life. Stop with all coercion talk and try seeing someone else's point of view, would you? NOT everyone in adoption is as unhappy as others ... and if someone is content in adoption then put your jealousy away and just let that person be.

Especially me! I thank you for reading, but if you want to personally attack me then send me an email. I would be more than happy to address you directly and really talk about these issues. Otherwise, read ... drink it in ... and move on. Every life has a story to it, and no ones story is going to change because you say it should.

Holidays in Adoption

2011-12-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

Holidays can be quite hard for some people. The Christmas carols, the endless lists of shopping to do, the planning of the meals, trying to squeeze into that festive dress that mysteriously became tighter since all of the plates of goodies came streaming into the office or the occasional get together with friends. It can all be daunting and stressful to say the least.

In adoption, facing Holidays can often mean facing demons that linger in the deepest parts of our hearts. For many, this Season is for reconnecting with family we may have not seen for a while. But for many in adoption, this Season is just a reminder of what it is that they do not have. For some adoptees this whole month and a half of Holidays is just a reminder that they have a family somewhere that they do not know. It can be very hard to sit with people that you know loves you, that you know cherishes the person that you are, and you know that they only want to make you feel welcome within their families. However, even with all the love and acceptance that is bestowed upon those adoptees, there are those that most likely have a feeling that they do not belong. All the love in the world cannot squash the need to know who you are and where you come from. And that need to know who you are is never stronger than the Season meant for family, friends and giving. I can certainly understand when an adoptee tells me they do not like the Holidays.

For those of us in the birth family, Holidays are hit and miss. Some years are good. Some years are unbearable. Yet some years, depending on where one is in the healing process, can be filled with hope and peace. I admit that Holidays in the beginning were very difficult. I would go through the motions, open the presents, smile and talk with loved ones, eat a hearty meal and then send everyone off with well wishes and all the while my head was somewhere else. It was not always sad for me, but rather just thinking about what it was that I was missing was my demon. My mind would not stop thinking about how their hearts felt on Christmas morning. Did they know that there was someone thinking only of them on Christmas? Did they know that there was someone missing them on Christmas Eve as they were preparing for Santa to come? Were they baking cookies? Do they stay up late waiting to catch a glimpse of the Big Man putting presents under the tree? What do they want most this year? Will they ever understand just how much I love them?

But, the older I got the easier the Holidays became. Instead of beating myself up about how much they did not know I was missing them, I would think of how much they were loved and cared for. I thought of how much they were loved by those that surrounded them. I thought about how amazing it was that they were growing into their own selves, their own people. I learned to forgive myself for all the guilt I carried for not raising them. I learned to let go, to accept that that cannot be changed. I learned to love myself for the person I was because after all, I would like to think that my children would want me to love myself. I learned that life is not always going to be what we want it to be, and in that thought why not just let go and allow life to love me for a change? I learned after years of soul searching and facing those demons of Holidays past that I am my own destiny. I am a mother of loss, but I am not a lost mother.

It may be easier to read than to do, but let my journey teach you this about adoption: No matter what side of adoption you are from and no matter what circumstances brought you to where you are, YOU are the one that has to live with you. YOU are the one who chooses what path to take in life. YOU are ultimately responsible for you, and once you learn to love yourself for all that you are then you can begin to forgive yourself for all your misgivings. No one else can be you, and there is no reason to let someone else define who you are. The Holidays were not meant to remind us of what we don't have, but rather to embrace what it is that we DO have ... and hopefully we can recognize that life is what we make of it.

It Gets Better and Better!

2011-12-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

Jane Ballback blogger at You're My Second Momma, Aren't You?

Just when I was slightly coming off the high of the amazing Letter that I received from the twins mother, I was hit with another wonderful day that was not at all expected!

This past week I was contacted by the mother of an adoptee that I spotlighted here on the blog. I found the piece by Stacee Ballback about a month ago and was so touched with the way she spoke about her life that I felt I had to share her with all of my readers. (Note: My adopted children liked the piece as well :) ) I thought nothing of it because when I find something that moves me like that I KNOW that there are others who would also appreciate the words of an amazing young woman like her. Little did I know that it would lead me to someone who just may be the woman who helps me really achieve the goals I have in adoption: To speak my truths to help others understand the life of a birth mother, and for some ... to help them feel not so alone in their own journey.

Stacee's mother, Jane Ballback, wrote to me to thank me for highlighting the writing of her daughter. She also wrote to invite me to contribute to her new online magazine that will be launching in January! Oh how life weaves it's own little web. In all this big world of adoption, she found me and was kind enough to extend not only an invitation to join her, but also an opportunity like no other I have been offered. How could I not want to do this? To speak my truths and tell my positive experience in adoption to so many who want to hear how good it can be. I strive to teach others what it was that I learned and may in turn help them within their own journey. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this for over two years now and I am still pinching myself at the thought of what can be in the future!

I will certainly give you more details about the magazine when they become available. I can tell you that it will share all sides of the triad with some incredible voices that should, and will, be heard. From the conversation that I had with Jane it sounds as if this project of hers could be a big hit with many already interested in contributing. I am thrilled that she has the compassionate heart that she does for adoption because it is not often that one side seeks the stories of the other sides, but Jane is willing to put herself out there in order to let those voices shine.

So I say thank you to Jane for reaching out to me, asking me to join you and giving me the chance to put a voice out there for the side of adoption that is most confusing for people. And I say thank you to her daughter Stacee for writing such a beautiful testament of the person that you are, which in turn somehow brought your mother and I to each other.

Life happens for a reason, and when that reason is exposed it has a tendency to not only amaze ... but inspire who we really are!

Heroes

2011-12-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

I last told you of a letter that I received around Thanksgiving that happened to be from the twins mother. It was a lift that was not expected and quite welcome to say the least.

It was a thick envelope because it contained more than just a letter. There were pictures and newspaper clippings from this past year. They are very handsome boys and I can see similarities they have with folks in our family. I am struck most at how much they look like their paternal Grandmother. I mean, it is just uncanny! I love to see pictures of them because we have two boys of our own and I can see features that they will have that are just like their brothers. This fact is something that one cannot imagine seeing when considering adoption, but here I am possibly looking at the future features of the children I am raising. Just another interesting factor to being a birth mother.

What I did not expect were the newspaper articles. It would seem that both the boys took jobs at the same place over the summer. One day, a young girl was found to be drowning in the pool and the twins were responsible for saving her life. WHAT?! They worked together to get her out, revive her and in a word ... she is alive today because of their quick reactions. Now, to say that my heart grew 10 fold would be a complete understatement. Pride, joy, fortune, permasmile on my face. Just a sampling of the range of emotions that I was feeling, and yes I know that permasmile is not an emotion but you could not wipe it off my face for a few days following the arrival of the letter. I cannot imagine how they felt after such a heroic act! Not to mention, I cannot imagine just how proud their parents were of them! What an amazing certification that you instilled good values and traits in your kids than to hear they put themselves aside to save another life. (And when I say that sentence I am speaking of their parents, of course.)

There was another article about one of the boys and his work at an animal shelter. He has told me about his passion for animals before, even stating that he might like to be a veterinarian someday. There he was, working along side a wonderful woman whom I am sure was appreciative of his voluntary work. It was a great picture and I rather enjoyed the article and what it had to say about the place where he worked.

My two sons at home are Scouts, they are respectful of others, they know their pleases and thank yous which they even use with each other :) They are good boys who understand that life is not the same for everyone and they strive to be the best they can be. So imagine my happiness to hear such great things about the brothers they have. How wonderful is it for me to see the things that, through genes, might make me proud someday the way the twins mother is. And how wonderful is it that she was able to share that with me? To get copies of the papers, copies of the pictures and compose her own account of the heroics of her sons, well I can honestly say that her joy became my joy that day! When adoption has respect, honesty and communication it really can be a shared and wonderful experience for all involved.

And as a side note, not too long ago one of the twins wrote to me and told me that I was one of his heroes in life. Well let me just say that YOU are one of my heroes as well, kiddo!

Facebook Exclusive!

2011-12-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Want to win a copy of The Best For You? Head on over to my Facebook Fan Page and comment on the status to enter for a chance to own your copy! It is a simple question, and you are more than welcome to share this info with anyone you know ... there may be someone on you list who might be looking for a book like this!

You have until NOON PST on Friday, December 2nd to enter. This is one of MANY giveaways I will be doing throughout the Holidays so be sure to check in regularly for more chances!!!!

The Letter

2011-11-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

The week of Thanksgiving I wandered out to retrieve the day's mail. Looking through the stack of bills and pizza ads I was pleasantly surprised at a thick envelope with familiar penmanship. It was a card from the twins mother.

Now for years and years, like clockwork, I sent Thanksgiving Cards to the parents of my children. There is no better time of year to show gratitude than around Thanksgiving. I cherish the Holiday for that reason. I think there are too many times that we forget to say it, or neglect to say it. I rarely missed the opportunity to send those cards to the parents and I always signed it .. "Thank you for taking care of my heart."

But this year, I did not send those cards. Not because I am no longer thankful for them, but rather I just became too busy the week before to pick them up and send them out. So to receive this unsolicited letter with pictures, news articles and a letter ... well it was just HEAVEN! It made me feel really good to hear from her and to know that she was thinking about me and my family. She took the time to put it all together and send it at a time we all say thank you.

She had amazing things to say about the boys, but this post is more about how touched I was that she wrote to me. People try to convince me all the time that Open Adoption cannot work and even when it is kind of working, there will eventually come a down side. In their minds, that is their reality. In my mind, this one letter sent just to say hello is a testament to the fact that indeed Open Adoption CAN work. AND ... it can give hope to others that their relationships can be as respectful and compassionate as mine is with her.

So here's to you Mrs Espizino (not at all her real name! IT just sounds cool to me) ... I thank you for lifting my heart with your kindness and I am so very thankful for you being you!

Next time I'll tell you a few of the details from said letter that made Bruce and I smile with Pride!

Thankful GiVeAwAy!!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

Tell me what you are most thankful for this season for a chance to win a signed copy of The Best For You!!!! Yup, that's it! Just a few words about what makes you thankful this season, and you could be the owner of a brand spanking new copy of my children's book on adoption, The Best For You!

Enter until 11:59 pm Saturday, November 26th ... and if you do not win this round then keep checking back throughout the week for a chance to win!!!!!!! Black Friday is going to be celebrated here all week long!

Want to tell others about it? Feel free to, they may want this book as well!!!!!

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2011-11-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

Give Thanks for whatever you need to today. Life is short and from one to the next you don't know what each hour will bring. Sure, life is not always fair and some people really have to fight for what they have. There are those who know what the have and are thankful for all that has happened in their lives. Others do not fair so well.

I like to put it simply ... Love yourself and those around you because that is what life is about, what you make of it!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers out there. May this coming year be all that you wish it to be, and may there be peaceful moments that remind you how amazing life can be!

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2011; Introducing Robyn of The Chittister Family

2011-11-17T06:56:00.000-08:00

Production Not Reproduction is a wonderful place to find all kinds of bloggers. I participated in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project last year that opened my eyes to so many wonderful voices out there in Adoption Blogging Land. It is that time of year to do it all again, and this year I would like to introduce you to Robyn Chittister of The Chittister Family.

Robyn is a kind and thoughtful mother who speaks from the heart and often asks tough questions of herself and all that comes with adoption. She has two children through adoption, the latest addition to the family is less than a month old, and I spent a lot of time reading through her blog because I was not only intrigued by what she had to say, but she made me think about things that I had not thought of before. She has a great sense of humor that is coupled with compassion and a passion for adoption. I really enjoyed her words and came to find that if we were closer in geography, she would definitely be someone that I would call a friend. So without further ado, I introduce to you Robyn who was gracious enough to answer my interview questions....

~ You spoke recently about your lawyer asking questions about money and how much you wanted to perhaps give the birth mother for expenses. Then you stated ... "Another reason to have federal adoption laws." Can you elaborate on this, specifically what you think those laws should be?

I could write many, many words on this. I believe that we need standardization of adoption laws on a federal level. Right now, every state has its own requirements - advertisements, agencies, attorneys, facilitators, expenses - everything is at a state level. This creates a lot of confusion for everyone involved and, I believe, increases costs for adoptive parents. Briefly, I'd like to see federal laws regarding:

- Allowed expectant and birthmother expenses

- Caps on agency and adoption professional fees

- Standard definitions and licensing requirements for agencies, facilitators, attorneys, adoption consultants, and other adoption professionals, including a requirement that what each professional does is spelled out in entirety in standard written English

- Clear prohibitions on discrimination - any agency that receives federal funds cannot discriminate on the basis of inclusion in a protected class (put simply, gay parents are allowed to adopt, but this does go beyond that)

- Standard requirements for home studies

- Standard requirements for termination of parental rights

~ What is your take on adoption in media, is the attention that you see positive or negative?

It seems to me that most of what we see, hear, and read in the media is either negative or wrong. The adoption stories that get put on the AP are ones about adoptive and foster parents killing and/or abusing their kids. I don't remember the last time I saw a positive adoption-related story, outside of National Adoption Awareness Month. When you look to fiction, you have Glee getting adoption all wrong, Parenthood is taking great liberties, and then there's Once Upon a Time in which the adoptive mother is literally the Evil Queen. I think that there should be a show about adoption after the process is over. What happens to the people involved after the papers have been signed, and they're just living their lives? Whether a "reality" show or a scripted family drama, there is enough interesting in adoption after the child comes home to hold an audience.

~ On you blog you speak about how you would like to have relationships with the adoptive families. Have you been able to have relations with Jackson's birth family since he was born? If so, has it been what you expected it to be?

Jackson's birth father has chosen not to be in the picture. We'd actually like contact, but that's not in the cards for now.

The contact we have with S, his birth mother, and her family is very different than what I thought it would be. As I've said on my blog, S sometimes makes poor lifestyle choices. Due to these choices, we don't have a way to contact her, although she knows we'd love to hear from her. However, we've actually struck up a relationship with S's mother, which is odd, because we thought she didn't like us. We talk to S's mom every few months. We send presents at Christmas. In the beginning, I was really good about updates, but now I only send them twice a year. I know I'd do more if I thought S was in a place where she could receive them and respond to them.

I've also become a Facebook friend to S's daughter's father's grandmother. Try following that relationship!

Jackson's birth family lives in Missouri, and we haven't been back to see them since we've finalized. I imagine that we'll go back when he's older, if S is in a good place.

~ Reading your blog, I noticed a couple of times that a counselor or facilitator gave you advice. Once it said that they made you think that your first birth mother did not want to have a relationship when she really did. Another time I read that the counselor told you to agree to the name that the birth mother chose, but then to change it after the adoption was final. What are your thoughts on how those counselors cater to both sides of the adoption, even if that means that they will be breaking promises made to the birth mother?

You read really closely! I don't think that the same people should be working for the adoptive parents and the birth parents. The best analogy I can come up with is real estate - you always have a buyer's agent and a seller's agent, never the same person representing the buyer and the seller. I know that analogy isn't great, but it's the closest I can think of to explain how two people can work together for the best interests of their clients.

I don't think a person can effectively counsel adoptive and birth parents pre-adoption, especially if the adoptive parents are footing the bill.

Having encountered these people, I now see why so many birth mothers experience broken promises after TPR is final.

~ Do you watch any of the MTV pregnancy shows (16 & Pregnant or Teen Mom)? If so, do you have an opinion on how these shows may be affecting the way young people see parenthood?

I don't. Everything I've read about these shows makes me believe that kids are getting the wrong idea and thinking that pregnancy is a way to get famous.

~ Was there a difference in your adoptions because of the age differences in your birth mothers? Were there some things that were easier to handle? Or harder to handle because of the life experience these women had?

Yes! S (who was 17 when Jackson was born) was much more dependent on us. She called and talked to me almost every day throughout the month before Jackson was born. She was induced, and wanted us to come early to meet her. She wanted us in the hospital. We were a part of her support system.

Laine was 30 when Cassie was born, and she's completely independent. She would text me sometimes, but she wasn't a big conversationalist. She didn't want us to come in before the baby was born, didn't want us at the hospital. She was far more secure in what she wanted when it came to Cassie.

After the fact, S expressed that she wished she had had more time with Jackson when he was still hers. So, when Laine said she wanted that time, I was actually glad. I do feel bad for not giving S more time, but the fact was, she asked us to be there. Her mom was working, and we were the only other people who could be there for her.

Laine has more advice about baby care than S did, which makes sense. She's also far more secure in her life. She has a better sense of where she's going. S had ideas, but nothing concrete.

The fact that S was so open and trusting made me feel very secure in her decision to place. Although Laine always said she wasn't going to change her mind, I never really felt as close to her, so I didn't really know.

~ When Mother's Day comes around, what emotions do you feel?

My first Mother's Day was a bit strange, I think. I felt sorry for S, but happy that I could finally celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. I always remember S, and am thankful for her decision.

~Do you talk openly about adoption to your family members? Are they supportive of your thoughts, happiness, fears and so on?

It depends on the family member. My in-laws aren't very receptive to this whole open adoption thing. My mom hated to hear about S, and thought we shouldn't have anything to do with her (my mom passed away in 2009). My grandmother doesn't really understand who I'm talking about when I talk about S and Laine. My extended family is curious about the birth families. Most of them are respectful. Most of them at least try to understand why open adoption and the relationships are so important. I don't think any of them really knew how to support us through the process, either time.

I thank you Robyn for the interview and your blog, so glad to have met you and I will definately keep reading! And another thank you to Heather at Production Not Reproduction for hosting this incredible project that brings light to so many AMAZING voices in adoption!

Happy Thoughts #15 ~ Coincidence Schmoincidence

2011-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

Artwork outside of Electric Lodge

When last I left you, I had attended a one man play written and performed by an adoptee. I spoke of how the whole experience left me breathless, and thinking the whole time about my twin sons. Well it continued throughout the afternoon, just had them on my mind. I couldn't help but think of them in Brian's shoes ... feeling the thoughts he was feeling, thinking the same questions he was asking. He brought me to tears, but they were not at all sad tears.

You see, I have been fortunate enough to have the ability to talk with my adopted children. When I say talk, I of course am referring to the Internet and the various way to communicate with people. I can message my children anytime I want, and yes I DO know that I am very fortunate that it has been, and is, this way. So when I say that I had tears it is because when Brian was speaking about how his mothers words made him feel, I cried because I know deep down my children DO like to hear from me. It just lets them know that hey, she really does care and always has regardless of what society might think about birth mothers.

So with them on my mind, I wrapped up my day in Venice with lengthy goodbyes and hearty thank yous to those who made it all possible. I walked a long way to my car but had a smile on my face as I relished in the fact that in my life I was granted a good adoption experience. Traffic was awful, it still amazes me just how many human beings there are in the Greater Los Angeles area! Too many! So I finally hit the freeway and began a comfortable cruising speed. Along the way I noticed something I had not noticed before. Along the side of the freeway my eyes were drawn to a large green hill with letters engraved into the side of it. At first I thought, 'hmmmm ... never seen that before'. The more I thought about it as I passed it, the more curious I became. Then it dawned on me that those were the letters of one of the twins University. I never knew where the school was because again, LA and it's surrounding suburbs is a HUGE place! But there it was, and I thought 'Coincidence?'

This in turn made me contact him and confirm that what I saw was what I saw. He did, and he had a chuckle over it. We had a nice chat that I think made us both smile. Then the next day, I was driving very early in the morning to the campsite where my Scouting family was. The time had changed over night so it was dark out. I was thinking of my other son and wondering if he too knew I was thinking about him the day before. As this thought started, so did a new song on the radio. It was a song that I had not heard for about a year and I had just had it on my mind yesterday. It was Electric Avenue by Eddie Grant. Do you recall where the play was located that I went to in Venice that had me thinking so much about my sons?

Yup, I could not make this stuff up if I wanted to! So of course, I had to message him to tell him of the bizarre events that were happening as a result of this one play that I went to see. He too laughed and said that sometimes things in life happen for a reason. He also told me of a story that had him kind of advocating for adoption, and boy did that make my heart light. I will end this post with a quote from him, and just know that I believe there is a fine line between coincidence and things happening for a reason.

"I told them that one of my heroes in life is my birth mom because she had the courage to act selflessly and give her children the life they thought they deserved. There are those who let the hard decisions arise and there are those who handle the hard decisions with grace. The measure of character is not based on what we are given in life but rather by what we decide to do with what we are given."

It's A Dog's Life ~ And What a HILARIOUS Story!!!!

2011-11-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why Chuck E Cheese has an escort/bodyguard at all times? I did too, until this past week when I learned first hand the reason why .....

OH yes! I am at it again ;) I have told you all before about my need to vounteer for everything when it comes to my kids. The newest adventure comes from a request that the Prez of the Parent Group had for me last week. We are doing a fundraiser that has initiatives for the kids in the way of coupons. When you sell so many items, you have your parent fill out the coupon and then you come to school to redeem the coupon for a necklace from The Big Blue Dog. My part in all of this? YOu guessed it, I was The Big Blue Dog. What fun! OR so I thought. Below you will find the whole story of the day, along with pictures to show you what it was that I was dealing with ... and it still makes me giggle when I think about that day!

All the captions are under the pictures to explain what the heckalecka is going on...

Started the day off in a fun mood. How could I not, I was in a Big Blue Dog suit!

Okay, I am waving and high fiving the kids ... they love it, I am smiling and things are good.

More kids start coming out from lunch and soon two hands are not enough to high five them all.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I was sending a signal here, that I was being inundated by kids and might need some help. My helpers thought I was being enthusiastic and waving at them, little did they know I was hyperventilating in this thing!!!!!!

But the crowd starts to break up and I can see that the lunch lady is starting to give me the evil eye so, I decide to run towards the line that the kids should be in to try and shoo them away to the playground but....

OH NO! It backfired and soon I was being chased by Kinders and 1st graders towards the line .... I was sucking wind here because it was hard to breathe in the Dog Head!

This is me literally trying to get my balance because there were kids all around me ... hugging me tightly ... still high fiving me but I wasn't high fiving back so they were basically just hitting me ... and I was starting to get really hot at this point!

Here I am trying not to pass out ... I am starting to sweat really bad and the kids were tripping me because although you cannot tell I was like a bass in the middle of sardines! They were smothering me, all yelling "BLUE DOG! BLUE DOG!" I was getting a little scared here, and the sun was like a blow torch!

Ahhhh ... I finally flagged down Brenda who helped me get to a table in the shade to relieve my shaky knees! Yay, Blue Dog!

Okay, they are now climbing all over Blue Dog and I was high fiving but also trying to push them back, off of Blue Dog.

OMG! MAYHEM!

Look! They are poking me all over the place ... my arms ... my nose ... won't even tell you where the other kid is poking!

Having some fun with the picture! Bad Dog!

I started to gain so much attention that the kids wanted autographs. Notice how I put the paw print next to the signature? I am too much!

I get caught on the playground with the older kids and they poke a little harder. I was getting hot again ...

Then someone started pulling my tail! Hey, let's be nice now. I also started to wonder how many other people left their DNA all over the inside of the Dog Head and I stated to panic about all the GERMS I was inhaling! Ewwww...

This is Blue Dog's pissed off walk. Sweating and unable to breathe properly, I needed to sit down!

Fist bumping some kids and wishing I had a mini fan. One kid saw that my glasses were a little ascure after the last rush and he stuck his finger through the costume and almost poked me in the eye. I had to refrain from returning the favor.

Oh yeah, I wanted to play hand ball for some reason! Bad idea, hand ball in the Big Blue Dog costume. My peripheral vision was zilch and had no idea the ball hit me off the wall ...

This is the "I can't friggin see!" attempt to get the ball to the wall...

So let's try swinging ... THAT should create some kind of breeze that Blue Dog might enjoy! Holy Crap I was dying in this thing!

Okay, going to attempt to climb these stairs with the kids ...

Doing good for not being able to see below my nose ...

How this picture looks is how I felt right about now, all discombobulated!

Look at all the kids up there, this is me escaping .

Whoo Hoo!!!!!!!

Right after this pic I went to take the costume off and it looked like I just walked out of LA Fitness! Drenched in sweat, and my hair was so wet it looked like I just stepped out of the shower. I disinfected my face (was still wondering what I might have contracted from the Dog Head!) and told my escort that I would wear a BIKINI the next time I donned the costume!!!!

So now you know why Chuck E Cheese ALWAYS has someone with him ... it's for protection from crazy kids!!!!!!!

The Resilient Spirit

2011-11-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Saturday was a gorgeous day in Southern California. One of those days that is rare here, it rained the day before. Now, when it does rain here people loose their minds and do not know how to drive or even how to cope with the odd droplets of wet that are propelling themselves onto the Golden State's normally sunny days. After the rain is when it is most beautiful, all of the smog and filthiness of 5 million people washed away to reveal clear air, greener grass and majestic mountains. I do not enter LA often, mostly to retrieve guests at the airport. But Saturday was different. I had no idea how different it would be.

Jeanette Yoffe, therapist and foster/adopted woman of brilliance, invited me to attend a one man show of another adoptee, Brian Stanton. I accepted the invitation because I wanted to meet Jeanette. She runs a once a month group called Adopt Salon and all I have read and heard of it was wonderful so woooo hooo I get to meet her. Another reason is because I was interested in this play that she spoke so highly of, Blank. I was and still am at heart a thespian and I find it incredibly courageous to get on a stage, command the attention of the audience with only you to keep them there, interested in what you have to say. Still another reason is that she thought enough of me to ask me to bring along some books to display in the lounge area, bonus! So that is where I was bound, Venice California to surround myself with so many folks touched by adoption.

Oh yeah, you've heard the song and it really does exist! Electric Avenue is home to the Electric Lodge, my destination. Bustling with energy as Venice is, there were tons of folks walking the street below Electric Avenue and it gave way to side streets of small bungalows and funky beach shacks. The Electric Lodge was a small but quaint multiplex of creativity that housed a dance room, a small lounge area that served as the day care for the event and a wonderful playroom that was draped in black with risers where the chairs sat in neat rows. I felt as if the day was holding some great surprise, something profound that would make an impact in my life.

Brian not only enthralled us right off the bat, he exposed himself early on with revelations that he had struggles with identity from an early age. I was so impressed with this man from the get go because I understand the grueling and heartfelt emotions he was going to have to endure in the coming hour and a half as an actor to answer the tough questions that he was asking. He played many characters that were essential, endearing and sometimes hilarious! He wound through his life story with amazing detail to how he felt about being an adoptee. He talked about how he knew young and a little later his mother, whom can I just say I would like to meet based on the portrayal that Brian gave us, shows him is Birth Certificate. He took the documents and realized that she not only had the Certificate with their information, but she also had the Original Birth Certificate with is birth mother's name on it. From there, we walked his road with edge of the seat anticipation.

Brian also visited the emotions of, for the first time ever, reading the words his mother wrote to him. Wow. I did not know how this would effect me. To paraphrase he said (reading from the letter)... "I have waited a long time to tell you how often I have thought of you through the years ..." He stopped. There was a long pause. I watched the emotion on his face, the body language he had .... not moving a muscle. I knew what he was going to say in watching him and I felt the stream of moisture hit my cheeks and I could not breathe. He broke the silence with ... "She thought about me?" Followed with a look of awe followed with a slight smile. I inhaled and smiled along with him as the small creek turned to a river of tears rolling down my face. I was beyond touched, I was completely speechless and my heart grew and grew and grew. To convey those thoughts (and there were many that followed this divulgence) with such raw emotion was just an incredible thing to witness.

I was floored by the end and stood along with just about everyone in that playroom for a standing ovation when Brian took his bow. I cannot say enough about this man. To expose himself and his journey with such honesty and compassion, humor and sorrow, awe and frustration ... I wish you all could have seen it with me! I had so many things on my mind afterwards, and still have so much to say about this amazing day but not the time to tell you. I will continue in the coming week with more on this topic.

For now I say thank you to Mr. Brian Stanton, thespian, playwright, teacher, father and adoptee. You are a man who was gifted with the ability to surrender yourself in order to help us all understand a little better what adoption is. Hats off to you!

Blank

2011-11-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

I will be attending a one man play titled Blank this coming weekend and I am truly excited about going. I was asked by Jeanette Yoffe to not only attend, but bring along some books so I can chat with folks about adoption. Click the link to read more about Brian Stanton and his work.

I love meeting new people in this vast world, and when I can share my story with them face to face ... well, good things happen. Still preparing everything that I will need, and doing some research on the play itself. What a strong and brave thing for this young man to do. AND, it sure is a plus that the Theatre is a love of mine!!

So I will report to you all come Sunday or so, and in the mean time go out and enjoy life. You only get one shot at it, so make it count!

It's All About The Hair

2011-10-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may have missed the last post, you will need to read it to understand a little better what I am about to write. You may read that here.

Now, as the years progressed that I had Olive for a hair stylist she had always told me just how much she TRULY loved what she did. She moved from the mall to a swankier salon and I followed her. A few years later she made the decision to open her own salon, and I followed her. When she did open her salon I noticed a change in her. As if she could not get more bubbly and fantastic, she had an even bouncier step and a ever present smile that just lit up the room. She was very happy in that she was meeting people, traveling, making a name of her own. Hair Stylist Galore!

She also married and had her own children. Beautiful little creatures who obviously have a bit of her in them, in that sauce is spread abundant through both of them. With a glow only a mother could have, she would tell me how much those little souls have enriched her life. Her life was flowing along just how she wanted it. A couple of visits she had told me that she was thinking more about her birth parents, that having her own children just made her a little curious as to where she came from, or better who she came from. She asked me many questions about where she should start with the information she had, which was not much.

Now back to that day, the day that I went to visit her and she said I would not believe what she found ...

Turns out, Olive contacted her birth mother, we will call her Stella, and she was thrilled to hear from her. Olive made arrangements to go and see her birth mother and took along a good friend for support. Their visit went great. Stella had all kinds of information about her and told Olive how happy she was that she found her. Stella asked a few questions about her life, and looked at pictures of her family. Then, Olive began to ask Stella questions about who her father was and that is when Olive's life was explained.

We will call him Hank. Hank was a very good man, but was caught in an awkward situation when Olive came to be. He helped Stella make arrangements for an adoption and he made good on his word that he would be involved and support her. Once the adoption was finalized, he and Stella parted ways and he married another woman and had 5 children with her. So this explained how the adoption happened. The very interesting thing about this man is that he was devoted to hair in some way, shape or form all of his life. Matter of fact, one might say it was his passion.

Hank studied with well known people when he attended the college he chose to learn the craft that he perfected. I say that he perfected it because not only did Hank opened his own line of popular salons in the area in which he lived, he also started his own college to teach his methods of styling. Hank was a hair master, and that is what he was known for. Not only did he share the same passion that Olive had, he also looked up to the same people that Olive looks up to ... and knew many of them quite well! (she was all giddy about that) This love of making people feel beautiful was passed along to Olive in a way he could have never foreseen, and she could not have imagined that she would have so much in common with the father she never knew.

Now, as if that were not interesting enough....remember that I mentioned he had other children? All of those children are professionals in their own right, but none one of them has an interest in salons or hair. Not one. This was the interesting thing to both Olive and myself, and we talked at length about the strong bond she now had with her father, and how ironic it was that none of his children he raised followed in his footsteps. She spoke of how amazed she was that not only was she able to find her mother and connect with her in a positive way, but to know that her birth father had the same passion that she had was a comfort. She was actually a little proud that she comewhat followed in his footsteps in opening her own successful salon. Olive said that she was just in awe that what she was raised in was so different from what her roots were, yet her roots followed her in life to define what she is.

Her story makes a strong argument that in adoption sometimes nature does, and will, have a large part in what a person is.

Nature vs Nurture

2011-10-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have heard many arguments in adoption that nature, as in what is a genetic like in the child to their birth families, does not weigh heavily into the person that he or she will become. Documents, studies, polls, so on and so on that say once the adoptive parents take the child into their homes that it is nurturing that will mold the child. I agree that we are so much of how we are raised. However, I also see many genes or characteristics that carry over to the adopted child that convince me it is not a topic to be dismissed.

When I moved to California 17 years ago, I needed a new hairdresser. I went to the local mall to find someone in a shop and that I did. Olive was close to me in age, had blond hair close to the color of mine, she was bubbly and full of life and I considered myself lucky to have walked in when I did because she was not busy and it was a GREAT cut! (and ladies, you know how hard it can be to find someone who will do your hair just how you want it!) After the first visit, I was a regular for her for years to come.

Fast forward to 1999, the year I got married. I went to see Olive for the pre wedding hair trials and sitting in her chair I told her about how blessed I was to have Bella, my daughter I placed for adoption, in the ceremony ... literally walking down the isle just before me. Olive stopped what she was doing and she looked at me. "You're a birth mother?" she asked. "Yes, I am. Sorry I did not tell you before, but how do you work that into a conversation?" She smiled. I could tell she was thinking as she looked at me. It was quiet. "I am adopted" Olive said. Once again, another person who happened into my life that is touched by adoption.

Through the years we would talk about our lives, learning more from each other about the other side. She did not know who her birth family was, she was so very respectful of her adoptive parents and just did not really have a need to know much about her history. Then, an amazing thing happened this past summer.

I had an appointment with Olive and she called me to confirm the day and time. "I can't wait for you to come in, I have so many things to tell you." she said. I was intrigued, but could not imagine her next statement. "I found my birth mother and father, I went to meet her!" I was thrilled for her and could not wait to get there. Her eyes were lit up, she was grinning from ear to ear and started with ..."You will NOT believe what I am about to tell you..." and by the time she was finished, I was amazed!

So much to tell, and so little time to write! Stay tuned for this incredible journey of nature and how it can affect who you are even though the miles are many.

Adoptee Writes So Beautifully About Her Life

2011-10-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

I come across so many blogs and articles about adoption that I admit I sometimes loose track of what it is that I am reading. However, yesterday I read this amazingly peaceful article from an adoptees voice and I was just touched beyond words. Some great points to be made in this writing, especially about how adoptees take their cues from their parents on how to feel about their birth parents.

Stacee Ballback, you should be proud of the woman that you have become ... and I thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world to read!

Surviving, Learning, Laughing: Winning the Lottery of Life

Wonderful Story of Reunion

2011-10-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

I came across this article last week via a wonderful friend of mine. I have read it several times and the last line of the article just makes me smile. I know how she felt, and how happy she must have been to hear such wonderful words from her son.

Hope you enjoy!

Rodney Atkins Reunites With His Birth Mother

Tough Questions

2011-10-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

I have been asked more than once in the last couple of weeks about my feelings regarding the children that I placed and how I explained to them the children that I chose to raise after them. It is not at all an easy thing to explain, and often the questions are asked in a rather sarcastic tone.

So, I decided to share this post that explains my thoughts on how I deal with this tough issue.

Adoptee Asks a Tough Question

Always On My Mind

2011-10-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

When it is quiet, I think a lot. My house is always busy busy with energy so the time between 9pm - Midnight is my time to relax and think about how the day went. And, as always, I let my mind drift to think about how the day was for my children that are not here.

I think it is important for those of us who have relinquished our rights to keep those little souls close in mind and heart. Of course it is not always easy. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call them. Other times I want to jump on the computer and start babbling about what is going on in my life ... oh and by the way, what is new with you? Then there are times when I do not feel worthy contacting them on a whim because what if they did not want to think about me today? What if they were going along just fine and seeing my name in their inbox makes them feel obligated to respond?

These are perfectly normal feelings for me to have, as well as some of you. This life we lead, this absence that we feel, the odd feelings of ambiguity that we come across is just a normal thing that we have to face every day. There is nothing wrong with thinking about them, and if it happens more than once a day ... well that is alright too! They will always be with you, no matter the miles between you. And to tell you the truth, I think they would feel a lot of comfort knowing that they are thought of, and most of all remembered, on a regular basis.

There is no limit to a mother's love, and there are no boundaries that keep us from feeling love for our children. So let your mind wander and let yourself feel those thoughts. I believe that the more you think about it, the more you work through it ... and that is how you will find the best way to cope with the loss that we sometimes don't know how to feel about.

Just A Thought

2011-09-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

My friend put this up on Facebook yesterday and I thought it was so simple, yet so profound. Just a thought for you today...

Photo credit:
Johnny Huges

What Did I Say????

2011-09-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

What could a colonoscopy possibly have to do with an adoption? Well, stick with me and I will tell you...

Today I am prepping for my third colonoscopy in 6 years. I am used to them by now and almost welcome them because once it is over, I know I will not have to do it for another two years .. kinda like Jury Duty. The first one I did was not the big deal I thought it would be. The prep was relatively easy, but they did find a polyp so this is why I have repeat the procedure every two years. (Better safe than sorry, right?) The second one was much more difficult when it came to the prep for the procedure. I got violently ill from the solution that I had to drink and spent much of the night before throwing up. That nausea even spilled over to the morning of the procedure at the hospital. When you are in a hospital bathroom and people are asking if you are okay, well that is a HUGE sign that my body was not at all happy with me!

So since I had done one previously, I was privy to what was to come once I was lying on the gurney that would take me to the procedure room. One thing that I know, and always have know about myself, is that I do not do well with anesthesia. I get down right MEAN! When I was five I had my tonsils removed and what a BEAR I was after that surgery. I threw things across the room, much to the dismay of the patient that was next to me because I think I hit her with several Kleenex boxes and a plant. I did not intend on hitting her, but she was there and in my line of fire. I said mean things to my mom, my aunt and especially the nurses and doctors. It became clear that my body just did not like the reaction to anesthesia, and my mother was more than happy when it finally worked it's way out of my system.

I knew that there was a chance that I would wake up dazed and generally pissed off because of the drugs coursing through my veins. But that is not what happened. I remember waking up with about seven people staring down at me, some with tears streaming down their faces, some with huge smiles and I noticed that I was talking a mile a minute. I was a bit confused as to why they were so emotional as they wheeled me to the recovery room. I was still talking but had no clue what it was that I was saying. To me, I sounded like the Peanuts Teacher ... Whaaa waaa waaa whaaaa is what I heard, but clearly I was making sense to them because some of the nurses were smiling through their tears with looks on their faces like I was an angel or something. Was I dead? Were they aware of something that I wasn't regarding my procedure? My eyes felt funny and I could not concentrate.

Once in the recovery room, I slowly came to enough to remember where I was and why I was there. One of the nurses that was next to me crying came back in to check on me. I asked her ..."What did I say? Why was everyone crying and so emotional a few minutes ago?" She looked down at me and smiled a very sweet smile. "You told us your story about how you are a birth mother ... and you had not received pictures of your twins in a couple of years ... and two days ago you got a package with not only pictures, but a letter as to how they were doing. Your story just touched us all, me especially. I have never known a birth mother and it just seems that you are so at peace with your decision and the lives of your children. The fact that you have known your daughter all her life ... and she was in your wedding ..." she could not finish. Her eyes were all misty again and she just smiled and patted my arm.

There were more faces that checked in on me, all of them with that look of amazement and to some extent, appreciation. The doctor came in to give me the low down on what they did not find (Thank Goodness!) and he said to me ..."What have you done to my staff? They are all emotional out there and it would seem that you are the STAR of the day. They cannot stop talking about you." I smiled and I explained that this time instead of the anesthesia making me mean, it must have acted as a truth serum because I told them my life story and all about my children that I placed for adoption. He said that he knew, he had asked one of the nurses what his patient did to turn his staff into a crying mess. He said, "Well, from one parent to another let me just say that you are one brave woman to have done that. I hold nothing but the highest regard for parents that make that decision for their children. I know a few adopted people and they are amazing folks. So thank you for touching my staff today, and thank you for touching me as well. You have a clean bill of health and I say go out and live your life. You deserve all the happiness that comes your way."

I thanked the doctor and the embarrassment that I felt for unloading my life story on complete strangers began to slip away. I was surprised that I had told them all so much, but later when I thought about it, well it made sense to me. Getting those pictures was in my subconscious and since it had been so long since I had seen the boys faces I guess I was just releasing my happiness that their parents still thought of me. They could not have know that I was having a procedure that stressed me out beyond most stress outs I have. And there is no way they could have know just how much those pictures would lift my heart after such a long period of time between contact. And I could have never of known just how much my little story would touch all of those people in that recovery room. But it did. And maybe, just maybe some of them needed to hear that story to understand a little better what adoption means for a mother who chose to walk without her children, who chose to let them go in order to give them a chance in their lives.

So, let's hope that this round of anesthesia is the same way and instead of making me mean it will make me inspire another to smile and to feel the love that one has for their children, even if they are far ... far away.

Happy Thoughts #14~ Who Could Have Known?

2011-09-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

I do the book fairs for my son's school. I was asked to do it three years ago when the former chairman's child moved on to Middle School and I was eager to help out. I fell in love with the idea of changing a room into a Disneyland of amazement and wonder of books for these young children. Oh, there is nothing better than seeing a kid get all wide eyed, as their mouths curl at the ends until nothing but teeth can be seen when walking into the book fair for the first time. I am so into it that I have the self proclaimed pseudo name of Book Fair Betty. She is like a mix between Ms. Frizzle from Magic School Bus, and Phoebe from Friends. Crazy outfits, full of life, unending enthusiasm and creative ideas abound I am a bubbling handful when it comes to reading and kids. It is almost obsessive, me and my Book Fairs.

Read Around the World Book Fair

So, when I came into it I had a rep in Texas that I spoke to who held my hand through the process that first year. The following year I received a call from the new rep, a sweet sounding Southern Bell if I ever heard one. She was fun. Very spunky and so amazed that I did the things that I did with the book fair. She checked in on me often, which I appreciated because if I was getting ready to do a purchase for out of stock books, she would do it right there on the phone sending me what I needed before the next day's business. She is patient, kind and I LOVE listening to her talk. That long Southern drawl ... Like deep fried butter it is!

Read Around the World Book Fair

So, long about the end of last year I decided to send her a copy of my book. I enclosed a letter telling her a brief history and told her that I wanted her to understand my passion for books. I wrote one. I know the importance of authors and their connection to kids. Children's books are amazing gateways to a lifetime of learning, we all know that. So in order for my Southern Bell to understand that it is a passion, and not insanity that causes me to ga-ga for book fairs, I needed her to know who I was personally. I signed the book pretty generically, because after all she is really just an acquaintance through school ... it's not like we go out and shop or get a bite to eat. I mailed it off and did not think much about it after that. I do send out a lot of books to people and this was more of a thank you to her for always being so kind.

Read Around The World Book Fair

About a week or so later my cell phone rang and the screen said Southern Bell. I answered with a hearty hello. There was a momentary pause and I could hear her normally robust voice in a soft tone. She said that she had to call and thank me for sending her my book, and that she had been crying since reading it. I told her that I had no intention to make her sad and immediately I was feeling bad for sending it without some kind of warning. (I had never told her about my children in adoption.) She stopped me cold and told me that she and her husband had adopted a girl and the book touched her so much that she shared it with the office. I was stunned. I told her that I had no idea that she was an adoptive mom, and what a coincidence that neither of us knew of our connection to adoption.

BOGO Beach Fair

She told me how touched she was that I sent her the book. She cried as she told me her story and then told me thank you many, many times. Several times for being a birth mother, a few for having the courage to write such a beautiful story, several for more times for sending it and finally for just being me. For as much as she gushed, it was I that was crying on my end of the phone. I began to think it was not a coincidence, that it wasn't happenstance. I believe that for some reason the world brought us together, it was significant that we meet each other. She touched me that day, and on several days since then as I have thought about her during book fair season ... always with a smile.

Veterans: American Heroes Book Fair

In life, there are wonderful people who are just sent to us for a reason. We don't know why, we may take a while to find this mystical feature that will change us for the better. In a universe full of people who think they don't matter, let this be a reminder that you can touch someone in a good way, even without you knowing it, every ... single ... day.

Book Fair Betty with her Seuss skirt

Shoving It Down Our Throats

2011-09-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

And most of all, may we all remember to be thankful for everyday that WE still have left. May we remember to do what we can to be the best that we can possibly be. May we all remember to take time to live life, and love what we have around us.

Those were the words that I last left you with. I was talking about 9-11 and the unity that many, if not all, of us felt those weeks, months and few years that followed that unforgettable day. I wrote about it for a reason.

In the Internet adoption world there are many, many stories. That leads to many different facets of chat rooms, websites, blogs and Facebook pages that are formed to accommodate those groups. There are sites for adoptee, sites for adoptive parents, and there are sites for birth mothers. I know and have joined several on all sides so that I can continue to educate myself in the world of which I live. The sites for birth mothers though, that is where I spend a majority of my time and for good reason: I am one.

Recently there has been a rash of good groups or sites that have been started that only fizzle because of the actions of others. I have talked before about this plague, but I have noticed as of late it is just getting out of control.

Hey, if you have had a horrible experience as a mother, I understand. I know you don't think I do, but I do. In my time as one, I have come across a MAJORITY of birth mothers who have NOT had all roses & unicorns. I don't believe that ANY journey in adoption is going to be without a bad time. There are mothers who have reasons, very very good reasons to be pissed. There are mothers who have reasons for wanting to make sure that every single birth mother knows the dangers that are out there, the deceit that has and still does happen today. I say, speak your truth no matter how hard it is for someone else to hear.

However, saying your peace is totally different than shoving negative thoughts and feelings down someone Else's throat. ESPECIALLY if that someone else is a new birth mother who is just trying to get started healing. Looking for a support group and finding what you think will be wonderful can so easily be shattered with words of hate, disgust and complete disregard for human kindness. Want to drive a mother looking for help into a pit of despair? Then hound her all day long with awful stories of bad adoptions, long lists of serial killers that were adopted, blogs of adoptees who call their birth mothers "dead" or "bitch" or post articles about all the horrors of the earlier eras in our country's history that made all unwed pregnant women out to be whores.

Enough is enough. Say your peace if you must, feel free to voice that concern you have for others because those who need to hear those words will reach out to you for more information. And. Leave. It. At. That. No need to post 5 or 6 times a day. No need to ask those painful, personal questions on open forums. Just stop the hounding. Stop the picking. Stop the bullying. Leave those places that offer positive voices because they obviously make you mean. Just let those women get what they are seeking, which is understanding and support.

This is my nice way of saying shove it to the haters.

She's A Grand Old Flag

2011-09-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

If there is anything that I felt while looking at this display it was love.

It was 8 years and 9 months since 9-11 and this was the first time I had been in New York City. We were on a tour bus and were stopped right in front of a small triangular spot, and it was remarkable how quite it was. No one was talking, rather we were all looking at the remains of messages of love sent out to the world and left there for many to see. It was a reminder of a time that changed America. It left me feeling, well, reflective.

The thing that I remember the most about 9-11 were the weeks that followed that awful event. You could not get away from the news of it, there was 24 hour coverage of Ground Zero and the efforts to find people. The stories of heroism that helped us all breathe a little easier just knowing that the kindness of so many saved lives. The immediate unity of the country that ensued was a comfort to me. Everywhere I went, I could see American Flags. Flying on houses, flying at businesses, flying from cars on the road, painted on old buildings, and all representing a resilience that comes from a long line of Americans who believe in spirit, and most of all ... freedom.

I loved that period in my lifetime, those months and couple of years that followed 9-11 because of the people. There were smiles. There was eye contact. People were generally kinder than before. It was as if we all wanted to make the most of what we had, to learn from that tragedy to really LOOK at life and enjoy what we have right now. I could feel it, just about everywhere I went. It was as if the American way of life got a shot in the arm and we were all proud of how we could take a punch but prevail in the end.

In watching all of the shows about the Twin Towers this last week I am again reminded that we all have to do what we can to live a good life, to treat others the way we want to be treated. I believe we have lost our way a little, that we took some trail off to the side and we are all spread out trying to find our way back to the road. Remember how we all did our best to just get along after that happened? How we tried to be the best neighbor, friend, wife, mother, whatever it is that you are ... didn't you strive to be a little better come 9-12-01? To make the most of who you were, and how you could help someone else even if it was just one day at a time? I know I did. And I know many others who felt exactly the same way.

On this somber anniversary of tragedy and life altering for not only a nation, but for the entire world, may we all remember. Remember the lives that were senselessly lost. Remember the lives that were heroes. Remember the innocence that was lost. And most of all, may we all remember to be thankful for everyday that WE still have left. May we remember to do what we can to be the best that we can possibly be. May we all remember to take time to live life, and love what we have around us.

Lady Liberty's right foot is like this to represent a forward motion.

9-11

2011-09-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

Photo by Joel Altschuler via Flicker

It was a late morning for me. I had Tuesdays off at work and Bodde and I had slept in until around 9. That was late, HA! I heard the phone ring a few times and had ignored it so I could lay just a little longer next to my little buddy, watch his adorable little face totally still, listening to him breathe. I could not sleep anymore so I decided to get up and start some things. It was warm when I reached the kitchen, I knew it would be a nice day for us, the sun was shining the birds were singing and life was just motoring along.

I started some dishes left from around the house, started a load of laundry and pressed the message button on the phone. The automated voice told me of three messages and I thought..."Hmmm, wonder if everyone is okay. Three messages before 8 am..." as I turned on the television in the kitchen. I heard my husband's voice loudly saying..."hey, are you up? .... Answer the phone if you are .... Kelsey ..... Kelllllssssseeeeeyyyyyy ...." click. The sound was down so I paid no attention to the screen of the TV as I turned to look at the phone. The automated voice kicked in with the time of the call. 7:45 am. As the next message kicked on. I turned my head back to the counter and looked at the TV for the first time that day. I was confused and immediately walked to turn the sound on. It was 9:10 California time.

It looked as if the World Trade Center was on fire, high up on one of the towers a raging blaze of gold was pouring out of the side of it. I took note of the amazing blue sky that day in New York, I could not help but see it ... tarnished by the thick black smoke. I heard my husband's voice. "Hey, you have to get up! There are planes crashing into buildings. Something very bad is going on, the World Trade Center is gone ..." WHAT? I am watching it right here. The building is burning. Wait only one of the buildings is burning. What is he talking about? The sound came up and I could hear Tom Browkaw talking but I was still listening to the answering machine. Then I saw a plane come out of nowhere and slam into the other tower. HOLY SHIT! What in the hell is going on here! That didn't just happen, did it? My eyes filled with tears. Those poor people on the plane! Those people in that building! My eyes were deceiving me for sure, but Bruce said the buildings were gone! Okay, I have to call him. Then I see something horrific. I see a body falling out of a building. I was sick to my stomach.

Katie Couric was talking about how she could not believe that the buildings were gone and I was not understanding what my eyes were showing me compared to what my ears were hearing. I had the phone in my hand and the number dialed, but I had not hit call because I was so confused and I just wanted someone to tell me what was going on. I heard the word terrorist, I heard them talking about the Pentagon for some reason, I was watching this unbelievable scenario going on in New York and thought very briefly to myself about the War Of The Worlds broadcast years before that had so many people in a panic. Was this something like that? What is going on?????

I have no idea how long I was standing there, it seemed like forever. Then it happened. The top of the building began to fall and suddenly the whole thing just disappeared. I heard Tom say ... "and there it goes..." There was no noise. No one was talking. You could hear dead air. I was stunned and in a serious state of shock. Then I thought to myself...'I cannot bring another child into this world with this kind of hate.' I remember thinking that, it was very clear in my head. Bodde was only one, and this was the worst thing I had ever seen in my lifetime. I cried and cried. It was all surreal, yet so very crushing. I only know a few people who lived in NYC, I had never been there but my heart was breaking watching that building come down. I was just devastated, not sure what to do. I pushed the button on the phone. Bruce answered right away, then we said nothing. "Are you okay?" he asked after a minute, again it was really an eternity. "No...I'm not. This is horrible..." I said as I bawled.

I realized that life had changed. My outlook would be different forever because of what the world witnessed that day. It was all different. I could not stop crying. I got off the phone with Bruce after saying "I Love You" about four times and I just could not take my eyes off the television. The Pentagon had been hit by a plane and now reports of a forth plane that was out there unaccounted for and people are calling it in from the plane. (????) It was all changing right before my eyes. The whole world was changing. I knew that nothing, absolutely nothing would ever be the same after 9-11-2001.

The Beginnings of Kelsey's Story

2011-09-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, I have many new readers here and some that are not so new but do not know my story in it's completion. I have been asked a few times if I have a "Here's my story" post that expalins all that I was going through while pregnant. I do, sort of.

I had not visited these posts in a long time and as I reread them I thought to myself that I really should creat an all new one based on the fact that I was pretty new to writing when this was created.

Anyway, enough of my babbling .... here is my story as I know it (or at least until I can find the time to rewrite this little life of mine ;)

Thank you to all who asked, and I hope you enjoy reading what lead me to adoption.

The Journey That Defined My Book ~ Part One

The Journey That Defined My Book ~ Part Duex

Time Can Just Bite You In The ...

2011-09-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

There are not enough hours in the day, nor are there enough days in the month! September has crept up and taken me by surprise because in my blogging world ... this past summer is pretty much a blur.

I can make a 1,000 excuses why I have not been writing, but that would be unfair now wouldn't it? I have a busy schedule, but I always have been going mach 1. I have been reading more, but I read all the time and still get writing done. But this was more than that, this past writer's block was much more than an absence of thoughts. Rather it was an overabundance of thoughts that plagued me and I just cannot write when there are too many ramblings in my brain.

It started back in July when I went home to spend time with family for a wedding. I was fortunate enough to also spend some time with my daughter. I have always cherished seeing her, always counted my blessings that she has been so accepting, so loving towards me. I came home and gushed about seeing her despite the awful migraine that TRIED to damper the day. I was thrilled to pieces and my heart was so full of content and peace. But then I started thinking to myself ... 'Well Kelsey, did you ever think about the twins and how they might feel reading these posts? Did you ever consider that this might hurt them? This affection that you show Bella, how does that make them feel? not having the opportunities to spend time with you the way she has?'

That is what I have been silently going through for the last couple of months. I can't help but wonder these kinds of things because this is what we do as mothers. We wonder how our children are, what they would think of something, what they are facing in their lives. It is impossible not to think of it, and yet there is not much that you really can do with those thoughts except mull them over. I love them all, always have and always will. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about them... then say a little prayer that they are healthy and happy. Then we have to hope that we can find a resolution to our wonderings, or at the very least a common ground on which to stand so that we can accept the things that we cannot change. It is a constant in life, this life as a birth mother. 20 years out and I am still finding things I did not think about, did not factor into my master "what if" file of adoption.

So I worked through it, paid a little more attention to what I needed for a while, then found the right time to let the fingers fly. I am not perfect. Although my adoptions have been relatively good the last few years there are still times when I have to take a step back in order to keep moving. I have lived a long time in adoption and am still learning everyday about myself, my true self and how to find not only strength ... but also a little forgiveness from time to time.

Fellow Blogger Shines with a Post Worth Reading!

2011-08-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

Cynthia Christensen ~ Wife, Mother, Birth Mother, Author,Homeschooler & Lover of Life

I love the kindred spirits that I find in other Birth Mothers. So many I have met here online and cherish their thoughts, feelings, writings and view of life without the children that they brought into the world. One such woman is Cynthia. She is also an author of a fabulous book that I reviewed and reccomended to all of you a few months back.

Well, amazing Cynthia wrote a post that is so worthy, so compassionate and so right on from our point of view that I just had to share it with all of you. She is kind, loves all women and just has a way to sooth my soul when I need it most. I am proud to call her my friend, and so very proud of how she wears her heart on her sleeve and shares her journey with all of us out here in Blog Land.

Please click and read her latest post. It is BRILLIANT! The 6th paragraph could be considered some of the wisest words I have ever read regarding adoption and birth families.

Kuddos to you Cynthia for sharing this, for sharing your thoughts and most of all .... for sharing that amazing heart of yours! If you like what she has to say, then please sign up to receive her future posts. I yet to read a post of her that has not made me sit and think for a while!

The Post Worthy of Reading ... RIGHT NOW! ~ Dear Adoptive Parents

My review of her book: Restorative Grief

A Little More About Us

2011-08-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for him to come home because we have a date tonight, as in August 2011. But alas he is always working hard and is still about an hour away so I found it the perfect time to share a little more about our life, and our journey to the life we live now.

February 1995 the call came. There was a store in Ventura that needed a store manager and it was THE perfect location in relation to where my family lived. AWESOME! I had two weeks to get there. NOT SO AWESOME. I thought I could do it, just pack up and go within a week. I told my DM that I could finish out one week and only needed the next week to pack and sum it all up. I was completely wrong. I realized rather quickly that although we had made the decision to go when the time came, I had not factored in that I would be leaving all that I knew: close family, many friends, roads, landmarks, bank accounts, business acquaintances that I had to at least say goodbye to. It was overwhelming and heart crushing to finish it all in two weeks, but that is what happened. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends for coming to the various parties in those days. The support and love you shined on me was evidence that I would so miss the familiarity of their companionship.

I left on a Tuesday morning, early. My mother took me to the airport and that was very hard to say goodbye to her, complete with her compliments on how courageous it was of me to leave all I know to make my own niche in the world. I landed and picked up the Volvo that I was purchasing from my cousin. There was nothing like that drive from the airport to my cousin's house where I was going to stay. I had a sunroof for the first time in my life and I drove listening to Tool, cruising up the 5 FWY, truly out on my own for the fist time and so happy to accomplish my personal goal of being in California before I was 25. I can still smell the lilac air that soon turned to orange blossoms and then into jasmine. I felt peace, I felt free.

Bruce was ready to come out by May. I arranged to come into town without my mother knowing because we wanted to be packed and on the road by Monday and it just so happened that her birthday fell on that very weekend! Bruce picked me up and we embraced for about 5 minutes right there in the terminal. So great to see him, hold him and know that he would be forever with me once we made this move. Grateful for the trust he had in me to lead us to the so called promised land, and by that I mean our new start. My mother was working that day and I told Bruce that we were going to BBQ at her house so when she came home she would see him first, and then I would just jump out and say HELLO! It worked, and she loved it! See, we had told her that Bruce was going to make the drive by himself so she never thought I would be there. But I was. And she loved it!

The day before her birthday our good friends held a party for our finale leaving town bash. It was fabulous, so many friends came out .... all of whom told both of us privately how much they admired us and wished us nothing but happiness and a life lived well. It was an emotional night, it was a hilarious night, it was a This is you Life kind of night with people dropping by at all hours to wish us well, see us one last time before the adventure of a lifetime. Some friends surprised us with their heartfelt send off, and some friends refused to say goodbye vowing that they would visit. Bruce and I were apprehensive and anxious, but after that night we knew that there were many other people who were behind us in all that we wanted to do in our lives. This helped us to then say goodbye to our families that Monday morning, the last day that we lived in Missouri.

Setting off we were quiet. Me especially because we left from my mother's house so I was the last one to say goodbye. We hit the highway heading West and the song came on, and it was perfect. Led Zeppelin fans that we were, Going to California seemed to somehow ease all that we were feeling that morning. We drove over familiar territory, looking one last time at the landscape ... the signs to Jesse James Cavern .... Six Flags Over Mid America .... The Ozarks, it would be a long time before we would travel this area again and we paid attention to all we could. Remembering all the times we drove it and took it for granted.

Heading into Oklahoma we realized that we would have to stop there for the night. It was not long at all after the Oklahoma City Bombing so things were subdued to say the least. We found a place to stay and after eating, we crashed out dreaming of what the next day would bring.

That is all for now, I have to get ready for my night out with the hubby. Considering it does not happen often, I am thankful that we will have some time alone. To just hang out with each other, and this time talk about all that we have done since coming to California. It has been a mixture of survival and discovery that has somehow turned out to be top notch coupledom with stamina, love, compromise and humor. Oh how I love that man of mine!

Life Rewards Are All Around Us

2011-08-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are good. I LIKE Birthdays. When I was young, my mother used to do Birthday weeks. This was her idea that I should be celebrated the entire week of my Birthday and it was wonderful. Staying up late, watching what I wanted on TV, dinners I LOVED upon request, you name it and she would make it happen. It was so loving of her, so many amazing memories that were made in those early years of life.

You get older, and for me ... they just seemed to get better. Some of my favorites were seeing Grease on my 7th Birthday with my very bestest friend Julie. I already knew all the words to the song thanks to the album, so to say that I sat still while watching it would be false. I was singing and dancing in my seat all the way through! On my 16th Birthday all my friends were super great to me, I was the STAR that day and it was complete with a cake that had my likeness fashioned into a driver's license (again, cool mom!) My 22nd was marked with my first tattoo with more meaning behind it than anyone could ever know. (See this post.) My 25th marked the first birthday that I was out on my own living in a new state. Some friends came out from STL as well as my mom (like you would expect her to stay away on such a monumental Birthday!)

My 30th was hard, because the year was so monumental. Got married, had a baby, my mother died, bought a house ... wanna add any other stress factors or life changing moments in ONE YEAR? The answer there would be, no. But by 35 I had bounced back with a FANTASTIC few days in Vegas, and because of the laws there I cannot tell you what happened. Last year was the big 4-0. What a celebration that was! It lasted the entire month of August and included my first book signing in my hometown followed that night by a surprise birthday party that Bruce threw for me. WOW! Not much could top that stupendous month last year.

But I must tell you that it is the little things in life that make us the happiest, and this birthday that was so low key seemed to be just what I needed. Hung out with the family, went bowling with my son's friend who ... unbeknowmst to him, ... was really a surprise bowling birthday party for him. Then we were surprised by our neighbors with the offer to go to dinner while they took our boys. YAY! That does not happen often so we jump at the chance! The whole day was lax, lazy, and just what I wanted. No gifts, beautiful flowers and cards from all the boys, but nothing big as far as gifts. That was, until I took the boys to Hollywood on Wednesday.

I had always wanted to take them, but Chase was just too young before now. I thought, why not? so we packed some snacks and headed there on a cloudy Wednesday morning taking the coastal route so the boys could see Malibu and Santa Monica. Once there, on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I took great pleasure pointing out the names, who they were and what it was that they were famous for. My boys knew many of the names in music, but the movie ones they connected on a different level. I said "It's Tom Hanks. He's Woody in Toy Story." or "This is Michael Keaton. He was Jack Frost." Funny how they knew the voices, but not the movie work of many stars I love.

As we were exploring, I noticed that my oldest had given the younger one his hat and since both of them are fair and blond I knew I had to get Bodde a hat. We ducked into a souvenir shop and he chose the cheapest had he could find so we could go back to the day. He asked me to go after him, although I insisted on paying for the hat. He was buying something else, but he did not want me to see. He fumbled with his money in his pocket and I asked if he needed more. He said, "No, I have it Mom. Thanks."

After his transaction I stepped up to buy the hat. Bodde handed me the bag and said ..."This is for you." I took the bag and opened it. It was a Star key chain that said "Princess" on it. "I didn't get you a Birthday present and I know how much you like the movies and this place. I tried to find your name but could not, but I have heard Dad call you that so I bought it for you. Happy Birthday, Mom."

Well, I think it is easy for me to say that perhaps this will be a great year with a start like that! I also will say that there are times when my children amaze me with their love. I must have done something right to be blessed so much with the family that I have. There are life rewards all around us, we just have to be willing to accept and cherish them all at the same time.

One Is Loud, One Is Quiet

2011-08-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

How do you walk up and say "Hi" to someone you haven't seen in months, love more than your body can stand and have missed so immensely your heart almost tore in two from the ache? You don't. I didn't. My plane came in and I could not handle waiting another 12 hours to see him. I was in the same time zone, the same zip code and all it would take would be a short 13 minute drive from my mom's house to the rink where he was playing hockey. It had been months since I heard his laugh in person, and I needed to see him. I could barely breath. I stood there behind him, not able to move. Our good friend saw me and his face, his smile and his greeting told Bruce that someone was behind him. He turned, our eyes met and the endless embrace began.

When I returned from California, I was different. I have written about it before, but California changed me as a person. The best way to describe it is that I was in my early 20's, no one knew me, no one knew my past or my life and I could be the TRUE Kelsey that I wanted to be. I spent a LOT of time with me there, just being. I walked for an hour or so every day into the mountains listening to my favorite bands on my Walkman. Yeah ... I said Walkman. Hey! It was cool back then. In those walks, with the amazing beauty of the landscape and my head filled with so many possibilities I just found some peace among the foothills. I found that I was less stressed, less concerned for others thoughts or beliefs (pertaining to me). I had to live in California, that I knew.

Bruce was excelling in his welding career, and I had found a niche in the music retail industry while still waiting tables. I took a part time job at Christmas time that turned into a fast moving managing career over the next couple of years. And in all of our success, I have to admit that there was a period of about a year that we really struggled, or I should say I really struggled and Bruce was going crazy because he could not help me. We did not talk often about the adoption, I think he was afraid to bring the subject up with me to truthful. He knew the hurt from my Bella, and he was not focusing on helping me forget but rather focusing on helping me be Kelsey again. He wanted the old me back, and I felt that she was gone, non existent to her former self. I was torn within that I had endured that pain not once, but twice. And this time in the aftermath of it all, I was still in a relationship with the father. He was still there. Still loving me. Still laughing with me. Still holding me when I was crying, and telling me over and over that I was loved. I was strong. I was going to make it through with him at my side. This, I was not used to at all.

But, that was the best part of the rebuilding, and by that I mean of the relationship. You do not have children, place them for adoption and then return to the normal relationship that you had prior to that life altering decision. You will find no book out there to walk you through it, nor should there be. This is something that has to be lived, learned and powered through by those involved and them only. Just as there are different stories in adoption, there are different relationships and no two are the same. So that book, it would be useless. Why? There are things and moments that happen that you could never prepare for. Our relationship was moving, evolving and at the same time we were going through that awkward getting to know you stage that we did not have at the beginning of our romance. Remember I talked about that? How we already knew each other? Well, we still knew each other but we had to adjust to this new aspect of the union. We were parents. It felt like another realm when we talked about it. We mainly discussed if I was feeling alright, or if there were any updates as to how they were doing.

I felt as if we needed to really consider making a change. Really make a go of being our own couple, in other words making a new life for ourselves somewhere not in St. Louis. Don't get me wrong, I love my Lou! Amazing architecture, beautiful city and surrounding suburbs, GREAT BASEBALL TEAM!, and the most wonderful people and friends anyone could ask for. I am grateful that I have a Midwestern background because we are folk known to be hard working, honest and loyal. But I needed to go. There were just too many memories right there in front of me that I needed to cut loose, to let myself free of the things I saw everyday. I told Bruce that I wanted to move to Cali, that I would wait for him if that is what he wanted or if he wanted to stay, that I would understand as well. I explained that if he wanted that old Kelsey back then he would have to trust me once again and take the leap with me to start a new life, make roots of our own. He thought about it, considered the options and where he was in his life personally and came to the conclusion that he liked the idea of moving out, and in a sense growing up.

God love him for that, he is such a good man. Once I put in for the transfer we knew that any day there would be a call and I could be working in Cali within two weeks. We took a vacation there and stayed with my cousins. Ironically enough, the first night we stayed with family that lived in the town that we NOW call home. We did not remember it much then, it all seems a blur when you go on vacation anyway. He loved California, he knew that he could life there if he had to ... if it meant being with me then he would move. That was his thinking. But I could tell he was warming up to the idea. After that trip, anytime he spoke of the pending transfer to the Golden State there was a little twinkle in his eye. He grew to let his daydreams take him away, to really see the possibilities that lie ahead for a young couple starting a new life.

This new found anticipation helped us open up and speak freely about how we were doing with the adoption. We were getting pictures and letters so those were always good conversation starters. We would talk about the family resemblances, the facial expressions, the activities that each enjoyed individually and how they pertained to our personalities. We listened to each other, talked of how we would handle meeting them in the future, how we would feel about having children of our own. Amazing conversations that would not come up in the normal relationship, the one without adoption. This bond that we had was starting to give us strength. We were realizing, through the years and the wait for the move, that we were better off in our relationship if we talked about it from time to time. I think in the beginning, right after the twins were born, that we were forcing ourselves to talk about it and that wasn't good at all. Not to mention it was all so fresh and new, those kinds of life altering events need time to sink in, time to be thought about, and time to be ingested.

I think I was trying to push him to talk, and he was trying to show me that sometimes you just need to think for a while and not talk. Sounds so manly, doesn't it? Ah .. who needs talking? Just think about it and don't tell me! But he was right, I was trying too hard to be the relationship therapist. He opened up, he began to speak honestly about his true feelings but only after he had the time to really take it all in. One is loud, one is quiet and often the quiet one is right.

I am loud. I love to talk. Isn't that obvious here? But this kind, patient, wise man who was younger than I was showing me that life needs to be lived, it needs to be loved and it needs to go at it's own pace to teach the lessons that need to be learned.

Whew, next time we move cross country to the Pacific complete with the transition from couple to husband and wife.

He Gave Me Strength, That Man Of Mine

2011-07-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Look at the size of that BELLY! All baby in there, boy!

Bruce and I kept our romance under wraps for quite some time. The reason for that was we had so many of the same friends and IF this fling was just that, a fling, we did not want our friends to feel weird about being around us if it did not work out. I have seen that type of situation before. Good friends that try to date, it does not work out and soon there are awkward feelings for not only the couple, but for the friends that surround them. Our group of friends were pretty tight and we just did not want to put any pressure on them. I am sure some of them knew. Matter of fact, I knew it because our gazes and sly smiles were undeniable obvious: we had a shining for each other.

I had never felt so comfortable in a relationship in my life. There was no getting to know him period, he had been a good friend for years. There was no shyness, awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. We always had something to talk about or enjoy, we always had somewhere to go or people to see. And to tell the truth it was quite intoxicating to go out with him, knowing that all we wanted to do was kiss each other ... passionately! Thrilling, to say the least, I looked forward to getting off work and bidding my time until I would see him again.

This budding romance continued for many months, both of us still giddy in finding our true feelings for one another. Thinking about it now only brings a twinge of that exhilaration back, I can actually feel the butterflies in my stomach now just as I did then. (Now that is impressive after 2 decades if I do say so myself!) Neither Bruce or I grew up with our fathers in the home, so we were rather clueless as to how couples were to keep the love alive. We knew that there would be a huge learning curve to our courtship filled with many late night talks about love, life, marriage, where we would be in 10 years and of course ... how many children we wanted traipsing through the halls of our perfect little house.

It took us by surprise, the pregnancy. Believe me, I was very careful about the birth control, after all I had already had a child that I placed for adoption. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I was truly happy that I was pregnant with the man of my life. Then the doctor revealed that there were two babies and it changed everything. I was barely 21. Bruce was 19. We were both in the middle of our secondary education, no stable jobs, no house or apartment together (I had moved back home because I lost my roommate.) We knew we loved each other and wanted nothing more than to have a family together. But the timing was off. We were so young, and still very new to our relationship. It was not a situation that I would put anyone else into. And our biggest thought was how difficult it would be to have just one baby, but two? Twice the everything. Diapers. Food. Clothing. Space. Savings. Attention. It was all a very sinking feeling to know that we would love to have children, but were not nearly ready mentally or financially to care properly for two children. Call it selfish if you like, we thought it was a very mature and thoughtful way to look at things.

In our discussions as to what we should do, how we would handle an adoption we realized that if we were to go that route I could not stay in the State of Missouri. I had enough trouble with the system the first time and Bruce was there for all of it so he knew the emotional toll that it took on me and my family. Since I had family connections in California, that is where we decided I should go. What an anguishing thing it was to leave him. I knew he was scared shit less about what was to come, and I knew he felt bad about me going it alone. He did not want to let me go that night, the evening before my plane left for Cali. He squeezed every possible moment out of that night that he could, and even ran out to my car to hug me one more time before I drove off to go home. We were heartbroken. Not with our decision, but with the situation. I cannot stress how much being from broken families can effect the way you think about things and one thing was certain: Neither Bruce nor I wanted our children to be brought up in a broken home and we could not guarantee how our love would withstand such challenges as raising twins before we were ready to.

For months he called me everyday, faithfully, to see how things were progressing. He sat and listened as I read files to him over the phone of couples that I could meet. We chose three that sounded similar to us. We looked at their religious beliefs, lifestyles, child rearing beliefs, interests, hobbies and so on. I met them and for a week we discussed the pros and cons of each until we made a decision about who we should choose. He told me time and again how strong I was, how he admired the guts that it took for me to leave everything I knew to go and find a good life for our children. He was so supportive, so caring. He sent flowers. He sent love letters. He was an amazing rock that stood right by me, so to speak, all the while working away at home to keep up his ambitions, his dreams. When the time came, when labor started, I called so that he could hop on a plane and be there for the birth. That was one thing I wanted, for him to be there when those precious souls came into this world. This was before cell phones and because of the time difference, I missed him. He had already left for work and could not be reached in any way.

Despite the fact that it was too late for him to get there in time for the birth, he made sure he was in touch once he was home and near a phone. The twins were born and within 30 minutes I was on the phone with Bruce gushing about how gorgeous the boys were. His apologies were plenty, and my understanding was abundant as we talked quietly about how much we missed each other, wanted to be together and how we would get each other through the afterlife of walking without our children. I felt nothing but love for him, and grateful that he was so understanding and trusted me as much as he did. Our relationship had changed, but it was all for the better. We were now bound together in life and no matter what else was to come we would be stronger than the average couple because of the healing we would eventually help each other through. That healing would take years, with some twists and turns from time to time that neither of us would see coming. This story still has more, but I want your eyes to recover from all that you have ingested so far.

More to come, so keep reading as this love story continues....

Part III ...... One is Loud, One is Quiet

No 20 Year Itch Here!

2011-07-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

So, twenty years is a long time ... right? So much has changed since 1991. CNN was a little known new station that would have stayed that way except for the fact that they broadcast the Gulf War ... LIVE on TV. Whoa, we had never seen that before! Four Los Angeles police officers are indicted for the videotaped beating of Rodney King during an arrest. Boris Yeltsin was the President of Russia and later the KGB would be officially disbanded. George Bush was the President of the United States who, the following year, threw up all over the Prime Minister of Japan at a televised event!

There were no cell phones, at least none for the general public, computers were JUST starting to catch on as possible household items and it was the year that we all met Jeffery Dalmer and his barrels of people in his tiny apartment. The 1991 Perfect Storm strikes the northeastern United States and Atlantic Canada, causing over $200 million of damage and resulting in 12 direct fatalities. Magic Johnson was one of the very first celebrities to disclose he had HIV and sadly, he left the NBA.

Me? I was into music and movies! Nirvana's second album Nevermind is released which absolutely BLEW MY MIND! Many more grunge bands hit the scene that year including Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains and Soundgarden. Loved them all! I was heartbroken when Freddie Murcury died, there has never been another voice like his since his passing. (You know Queen when you hear it!) Three of my FAVORITE albums are released later in the year: Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magic; U2's Actung Baby and Metallica's self titled album. Then, the best of the best happened ... my music world and my movie world enjoyed Madonna's Truth or Dare. Oh, I must have watched that movie 30 times in my life and just get such a thrill out of watching that woman do her thing! Speaking of movies, I enjoyed the JACKPOT in Oscar predictions that year. You see, it was the year that we were all mesmerized by Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Right after I saw that movie, I told people that it would win it all come Academy Award time. I said it would win Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screen Play. When it did, I looked like a genius!!!!!!!! (sidenote ... Did you know? Hopkins' performance - supposedly comprised of 16 minutes of screen time, was purported to be the shortest Best Actor performance ever, up to this time.)

But the Cherry On Top thing to happen for me in 1991 was on July 28th. I had just started a new job waiting tables at a really nice restaurant and I was spending a LOT of time with my friend Bruce. We had soooo much in common and we could really make each other laugh, so much so that we spent hours giggling at our thoughts and sayings. We had been friends for a few years because we had the same circle of friends. But something was happening with us. Although I had my own apartment, I found myself at his house quite a bit just hanging out and watching the occasional hockey game. But that night, that Tuesday night all those years ago everything changed. And it changed for the better. What started out as an innocent night just watching reruns of Hunter on TV turned into the night we realized that our feelings for each other could no longer be hidden.

Sitting in a chair together, a moment came when we had just finished laughing and the silence was awkward. Looking at each other, he leaned in and kissed me. That was it! I was done! I knew in that moment that there need not be another man in my life. Bruce was THE ONE I had been longing for and on that night I knew I had found the person I wanted to spend forever with!

Fast forward a year and our lives would be forever changed. Different than we had ever expected. More challenging than most relationships hitting their first anniversary. We had been pregnant, had twins and then chose adoption for them. Talk about life altering, this was a mother load of change that two young people could not fathom would happen. There is more to this story, and I will share that with you next time. I want to share how we made it through the bad, and the good, and still continue to laugh, love and enjoy the life we were given...so stay tuned.

Part II

He Gave Me Strength, That Man of Mine

Congratulations! Here's Your Book...

2011-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Wow! Thank you all for entering this round of the giveaway ... I am blessed to have so many interested in this book! And as much as I would like to give you all a copy, I cannot. What I can say is this ...

Congratulations to Bumber's Bumblings, your name came out of the hat as the winner! (Yes, I do it the old fashion way. I list all of those who entered, then tear up pieces of paper to put into the hat and that is how the winners are picked. VOILA!)

If you are interested in this book and would like to read it, you can always order a copy. Or, another great idea is to go to your local library and request that they order a copy for their branch. You can do that with any book that you are interested in, and most libraries will comply and get a copy of the book for their patrons. If would like to order a copy of the book, here is a list of places that you can find it:

Author House ~ This is my publisher and this is where you will find the cheapest price for the book.

Barnes&Noble.com

Amazon.com

Tapestry Books ~ This is a FANTASTIC website that only carries literature related to adoption. Yes, I know! How great is that??????

Again, I thank you all for entering and taking an interest in this book. Keep an eye out for more giveaways, there is usually one a month so you still have a chance to win one in the future. In the mean time, may you all have a great weekend and continue to enjoy your summer! ~ Kelsey

Last Day to Enter!!!!

2011-07-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

This is just a reminder that today is the last day to enter the current giveaway of The Best For You! Please click on the link below to read how to enter. If you are not familiar with the book, please click on the Articles/Reviews of The Best For You tab at the top of the page.

Good Luck to you all, and thanks for reading!
~ Kelsey

Enter GiVeAwAy!

MTV's Crazy Plane is Still Boarding....

2011-07-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to repost this today after reading about another special that aired on MTV regarding adoption. These posts were first brought to you after I had a bit of an internal struggle with the show 16 & Pregnant. I do not watch it anymore, and my reasons are quite simple: It is all crap! The violence on that show, the disrespect between family members, the constant dragging of the human spirit ... it is all a bit too much for me to watch anymore.

Teen Mom ~ 16 and Pregnant Question - This post has other links at the end for more thoughts about this show.

Convoy of Crap!

Dr. Drew's Abortion Show - disturbing to say the least, these are my thoughts on what this network is teaching the youth of today.

Happy Thought, Dysfunctional Comment

2011-07-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote of my excitement of going to a wedding. I explained the family dynamics that I grew up with. Not the normal family unit, but still a family unit non the less. I was happy, I was going to see all the important and amazing women in my life that I have been so blessed to call family.

Arriving home, I sat at my computer reading emails and moderating comments when I come across this Anonymous statement:
This sounds like a totally dysfunctional "family" unit.
I wanted to dismiss it, but I couldn't. I admit, it got to me. I have only saved one other comment for a long time and believe me I am still wrapping my head around it. But this one I would like to address because I have had over a week to digest what the wedding weekend entailed.

Yes, this family which I come from is dysfunctional .. but doesn't everyone have dysfunction in their family? To some degree, there is usually some type of behavior that could constitute as dysfunctional. I know I had dysfunction all the way around: single family, weight issues, abandonment, depression, the list goes on and on. Then, there was a lot of pain in my family. Many deaths that left those of us behind in a bit of a fit. So, in that respect, I could see your side of what you think is dysfunctional.

But the good part is this: everyone one of us is a good person. Each of the women in my life, my family, are strong, wise beyond their years, compassionate, humorous, honest and endearing. From one generation to the next, we have all learned from each other and also taught each other about life. We all survived hardships and heartaches yet we have come out on top because we DO function from day to day with the knowledge that has been passed to us. Everyone in my family has happiness in their lives, true happiness.

So your idea of dysfunction is my sunny little part of the world that may not be conventional, but it has worked so far in the journey that I am on. Thank you for the comment, as callous as it was, because it made me truly see just how far we have all come. And what we did with what we were given, well it is quite spectacular!

Summer GiVeAwAy!!!!

2011-07-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's time for another GIVEAWAY! That's right, you can enter right here for a signed copy of The Best For You, a unique children's book that is from a birth mother's point of view. The premise of this book is to help children understand what one mother was thinking and feeling as she makes her decision to place her child for adoption. Written honestly and with compassion, The Best For You can help children talk openly about their feelings about being adopted. Many people have embraced this book for what it has to say...

“This book offers a perspective that no other children's adoption book offers. The view of the birth mother.”
~ Adoption News

“Kelsey's courage to write this beautiful book impressed me. The message to her adopted children is clear and simple. She wants all of them to know that they are very loved, and she always thinks what's best for them. This book is a well-written legacy from a brave mother to her wonderful children. It also brings me tears and smiles.”
Tenny Kusuma ~ Simply A Mom

“This little book, targeted for the younger child who was adopted (ages 4-8) packs a big and positive message; one that answers the common questions: "Did she love me?" "Why did she give me away?" and "Does she think about me?" The Best for You is a joy to read and look at. The broad scope of the book is perfect for children who are fostered as well as children who were adopted through foster care, domestic adoption, or international adoption.”
Judy Miller ~ Story Circle Book Reviews

To enter, please do the following (and remember to comment telling me which option you chose!):

* Follow this Blog for one entry (hit follow button at the top of the blog)

* Become a Fan of Kelsey's on Facebook for one entry http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kelsey-Stewart/120778465527

* Follow Kelsey on Twitter for one entry http://twitter.com/#!/bestforyoubook

*Follow Kelsey on Networked Blogs for one entry http://networkedblogs.com/followblog.php?name=the_birth_mother_voice

* Tell a friend about the Giveaway for an extra entry

* Simply comment below for one entry

You can enter once with these options, or do all of them for more chances at winning!

This Giveaway will be accepting entries until Friday, July 22 2011 at 11:59 pm. The winner of the book will be announced next weekend.

Like Sunshine She Is!

2011-07-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

Bella and The Bride

When last I left you, I was headed across the country for the wedding of my cousin Kerrie with the bonus that my daughter would be there as well. I departed California with a feeling of happiness that followed me through a plane change in Vegas and all the way to the Mid West. Once there, this jubilant attitude continued as I saw my husband's family and spent time with them, thank you for a lovely dinner! Friday was spent helping the mother of the Bride as much as possible, in all fashions of pre-wedding madness. From driving cars to tying knots on favor boxes to helping Kerrie pick up her dress to listening to anxieties regarding the wedding ... what EVER it took to help them out, I did it. Didn't mind and I mention it because it is those small moments that stick with you.

Couldn't sleep that evening at the hotel. Time difference. Kids running up and down the hall. Anxious for the wedding. Selena followed by Mr. 3000 on TV. Knowing I was going to see Bella the next day. Trying to win at Solitaire the old way (with a deck of cards bought at the airport, which I also played the entire way to Missouri including the airports.) I finally drifted off and caught three and a half hours before getting up on THE DAY! YAY! Took tons of pictures of the Bride getting ready, and as I said I would when I saw Kerrie put the dress on I started to cry. Not bawling or anything, but enough that I had to turn away as to not make her cry. Just. So. Beautiful. When we were off to the Chapel Bella called. She was just pulling up to the hotel, perfect timing!

Onto the bus everyone went, and soon she was just there. What a joy to say the least! Smiling, she looked so pretty and with a relaxed manner we chatted all the way to the Chapel. Once there we greeted other family and waited for the ceremony. And what a beautiful ceremony it was. The best part for me? Kerrie decided to surprise me and she walked down the isle to Here Comes The Sun, the same song that I used when I got married. (different versions, but none the less it meant a whole lot to me!)

Now, after the nuptials was when I got to really spend some time with my daughter, bits and pieces throughout the afternoon and then at the same table for the reception. Catching up with how she's doing, what her summer has been like, how her family was getting on all the while laughing and listening to stories from my cousins who were making each other laugh hysterically at the table. Took some pictures here and there, did I mention how pretty Bella is? Her eyes just amaze me, such a beautiful color of green! I can still remember the day that her mom told me that she had green eyes, Sophie had made an effort to emphasize how they had changed. Spending that time with her, just makes me smile thinking about it.

Dancing. We love to dance! My whole family will get down, all ... night ... long! Bella loves to dance as well, so this is what we spent most of our time doing after dinner. I so enjoy this aspect about her. She is a little like me in that she likes to have fun, any chance she gets. SO there we were: having a great time, laughing and dancing when I noticed a twinge in my head. Actually, it was more like the pound of a hammer on my brain tissue. No. Not now. Kept dancing, kept laughing. The pound came again. I tried to keep going but within thirty minutes I was nauseated. The single pound became a symphony of pounding and I knew it was coming but I just did not want to acknowledge it. Much to my dismay it was inevitable. I was facing a migraine. I told Bella that I was going outside because my head hurt, but that I would be back in just a bit. After I threw up, I knew I had to get out of there otherwise I would be on the floor within the hour. So, without drama I asked my cousin to take me back to the hotel and please explain to Bella and anyone else who inquired that I just needed to go.

Once there, I stood under hot water for a few minutes and then laid down after taking some medicine. What a bummer. I never know when one is coming, and yes the migraines that I suffer from can come on suddenly and with force. I felt so bad leaving like that, but then it hurt so much that I could not really concentrate on what I left behind as I drifted off to sleep. I awoke to a phone ringing, it was my cousin telling me that the wedding was over and Bella wanted to come up. The pounding was gone and that was a good thing because we stayed up talking with the mother of the Bride until she was ready to retire. Then we had a late night visit from the Bride who was a delight to watch and listen to as she recounted the previous 10 minutes of her life .. pretty funny! All in all, it was a great day that only temporarily was interrupted by the migraine and that I am thankful for!

It still just lifts my spirits that she knows the people in my family, that her own family was so willing to give her the freedom to know her heritage. To know who she comes from, along with that extended family that every adopted child has. I have said it numerous times before and I will reiterate it here, open adoptions can work. They really can work. No it is not easy, and of course it is ever evolving and MY story could change at any moment. But all of this would not even be fathomable without the communication, mutual respect and patience that my adoption experience has been. All 20+ years of it.

Featured Spotlight on BirthMom Buds!

2011-07-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a weekend I had! As many of you know, I spent the past few days attending my beautiful cousin's wedding and as a bonus I spent some time with my daughter, Bella. So much to say about it, however I need to gather my thoughts and will write later this evening ...

In the meantime, while I was away an interview that I did for BirthMom Buds was posted on their website and I am thrilled to share it here, on my blog. Some great questions that sparked some revealing answers, I invite all of you to take a look by clicking on the link above.

A big Thank You to Monika for featuring me, and thinking so highly of my opinion to have me spotlighted on the site. As I always say, there are many different stories in adoption and it is reading those stories that help people understand a little better what others have been through.

Happy Thoughts #13 ~ Birthdays & Weddings ... Smiles Through Tears

2011-07-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

In a few hours I will be on a plane heading to a wedding, a long awaited family wedding that I am more than happy to be attending. Imagine an eleven year old blond living in a house with all women...her mother, her aunt, her two cousins and then along comes a fiery redhead baby who took all of our hearts with her charm and freckles. She completed a family circle of all women in a Midwestern town, most of whom were often too alike for comfort in a house that was of modest size.

The blond would be me and the redhead would be my cousin, Kerrie. You have to understand that the blood makes us cousins, but the hearts make us sisters. My whole life, from the moment that she was born I had a little sister tailing me wherever I would go. I fondly remember her sitting on the toilet in the bathroom when I was what would now be called a tween, and she would sit and watch in amazement as I would put on make up, curl my hair and then shalack another ozone layer with the Aquanet that was my staple beauty product. Her little blue eyes would just stare as her mouth would ask 100 questions, one right after the other. I knew that she so badly wanted to go with me, but because of her age she could not. She was my little buddy, my #1 fan, my shadow for many years.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, Kerrie would sit with me and touch my belly just fascinated with the growth process. I would fart right in front of her, something that I would not normally do as I am a lady, but I had to get it out when I was as big as a house. She would laugh and laugh, telling me which one was bigger ... which one sounded like a duck ... it sounds weird, but I loved spending that time with her. She heard the word adoption, and she would ask me questions about it so I would explain my thoughts as simply as I could. I know she knew that the baby would not be coming home with us, but I was not sure just how she felt about it. Well, let's just say that I found out soon enough and I was not one to make my shadow very happy.

Kerrie's 9th birthday was overshadowed by the birth of my daughter, something that I could not have planned but it happened none the less. This left Kerrie torn between being aggravated that her day was now shared with Kelsey and her new baby (because let's face it at 9 you really are in your own world and rightfully so), and happy to see the little girl that she watched grow in her idol's belly. I could see that she wanted to be happy, but also wanted to give me the evil eye because she was there with us in the hospital for quite a while. But then, she held Bella in her little arms and all that seemed to make her mad just floated away. I can still see it in my head, Kerrie sitting in a red chair that was entirely too big for her and the BIG GIRL smile she had on her face as she posed for a picture with Bella. I am not sure that she had ever held a baby before. She was pleasantly surprised at how much the baby looked like me, almost mesmerized in her gazing at the tiny face before her.

It may have intruded on her birthday, but something happened that day. My little cousin Kerrie met my daughter on her first day of life, a day that was already so very special to Kerrie. Since then, these two have had a kinship. After seeing each other at family functions through the years, they now send each other cards and greetings on their birthdays. They chat from time to time on the Internet and cheer each other on in life. They were both in my wedding, a fact that I find quite comforting. And this weekend, I will watch my little cousin Kerrie marry the man she loves with my daughter probably sitting right next to me. This is something one cannot imagine in the hospital those precious few days before relinquishing rights. Who would have thought that one day someone so precious to me in my life, Kerrie, would be having a wonderful relationship with my only daughter whom I placed for adoption? How peaceful this particular adoption has turned out, how very fortunate I have been to know Bella and be in the position to see her ... to spend time with her in her life.

So to say that I have butterflies, am anxious and need to get on that plane is an understatement! To see Kerrie as a bride will bring me to tears. Seeing Bella will bring a smile to my face. And I am in luck, smiling through tears is one of my favorite emotions of all! Amazing how life does work out sometimes.

Looking for it will bring it!

2011-06-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

Been staying away from the drama of the adoption world for a while now. I have not come across too many heart stabbing comments, at least not as many as I used to. Perhaps that is because I have not gone out looking for them, therefore I have not been too annoyed with anons lately.

No shoe is going to drop here, there is not a "however" or "until I saw this" to this post. I realized that perhaps I was looking for those comments to have something to talk about. Sure, I come across them from time to time ... the comments that just shock me or make me cringe because of the cold and callus manner in which they are thrown across the computer screen. But as of lately, haven't seen them.

I know that I could find them, but I really do not want to. I like it when I am not shocked by what people think of birth mothers, or adoption for that matter. Life is different for everyone out there. Not one life has lived the same as another no matter how hard it is attempted. No two people are alike, at least not exactly, so no two people are going to agree 100% of the time. And as we all know, in adoption there can be one word that just sends people off into their own world far away from those that they thought they were close to.

I guess my point is that if you go looking for the aggravation, then you will find it. Then, once you find it ... it is as if your mind just wants to take a hold of it and run. Run into that disagreement, run into that desperate or angry manner in which you try so hard to make someone else see your side that you begin to doubt what it is that you believe. You don't have to go there. You don't have to argue your points to someone who might not understand your side of it. Sure, it might feel good to get it off your chest and if that is what you are truly trying to do then keep up the good work. Just don't loose yourself trying to talk with the wrong people. If you let it in, you have to decide what you will do with it. See their side of it, or create your own opinion. Either way, it will take some self searching to learn how to handle the feelings and emotions that maybe, just maybe you have been avoiding as to not come to terms with what you do not want to face.

Norma Jean was a Birth Mother?

2011-06-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

I picked up a book the other day about Marilyn Monroe to thumb through and see if I could find any pictures of the Icon that I have not seen before. (To tell you the truth, this is a passion of mine. Just about every time I am in a book store I pick up at least one book about her and look through it to find lost pictures that I might have missed. I am a little obsessed with that beauty!) Well, I came across a page that stated she may have been a birth mother. The book claimed that when she was young, she had a baby and was not able to keep it so she let the child go to be adopted.

WHAT?! I was confused. I had never heard that before. Really? When did this happen? How old was she when she became a mother? Were there any details? Of course not, it was speculation on the author's part but it did raise some questions in my own mind. Could she have been a birth mother?

Well, of course she could have. Anyone can be a birth mother. Back in those days, having a child out of wedlock was looked upon as a gigantic sin that many could never pay their dues for. It was shunned upon and many women who did find themselves in that position were left to feel unwanted, as if they were damaged goods. And if you look at the tragic person that she was, one could entertain the idea that perhaps there was some truth to the statement that indeed she was a woman who gave birth but did not raise her child.

***NOTE TO READERS: the above paragraph is not at all suggesting that birth mothers are tragic. Please do not send me hate mail that I am generalizing all of us into one category. I am simply saying what is true. Marilyn WAS a tragic soul who was tortured by her own demons throughout her life.

When I think about it, I believe it could be true. She was a haunted woman who never really let the public know her. She was guarded, she was mysterious, she was a brilliant light to so many but not to herself. She always seemed to have a secret that she was not revealing, and if you don't believe me then take a look at some of her pictures. If this propaganda is true, I think it would explain a lot about who she was and why she was the woman that she was. In all that I have read about her, she seemed to be constantly looking for approval. She seemed to be sad, or lost, in all that beauty that she possessed ... and happiness seemed to allude her all her life.

A birth mother knows the feelings of being lost, being tortured by something that is bigger than she is. If this theory is true about Marilyn Monroe, then I now understand why I may be so obsessed with her. Perhaps I have a lot more in common with one of my idols that I thought I did.

Kung Fu Panda 2 and the Adoption Theme...

2011-06-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

WOW! I just noticed that I have not really written about anything since the end of May. That is a loooooong time for me to not chime in about adoption in some way, shape or form. So leave it to an animated movie to give me that push to raise my voice and speak of the messages that adoption CAN send to people ... especially in the media.

So, my youngest son just adored Kung Fu Panda when the original came out and it was a no brainer that he wanted to see it for his Birthday this week. No problem buddy, I liked it too and would be happy to see it with you. Not too long ago I read the reviews and noticed that there was an underlying theme of adoption so I was intrigued, but not surprised. You see, since I had seen the first movie I knew that Po was not born to the goose that raised him. Pretty obvious if you ask me. So off we went, but not before mixed reviews came in on my fan page after posting that the theatre was my destination. This only intrigued me more.

SPOILER ALERT! I am going to talk about specific things in the movie so if you have not seen it and want to form your own opinion, set this post aside and revisit it after you see it.

So, the story of the panda that became a kung fu genius is mysterious. We know that he has left his little restaurant home to study his craft with his new found posse of kicking fighters. We also know that he somehow knows that he belongs somewhere else, destine for other things.Here comes the bad peacock that has some big issues of his own, so he of course is dominating all that is good in China. The twist begins when Po, our panda friend, meets a bad guy with a symbol that sends Po into a dream like state that begins to tell the tale of his true identity.

The movie shows us, from Po's POV, an image of a larger panda looking deeply at him and then running off. Any parent in the theatre knows that this is more than likely Po's mother ... leaving him alone. This sets the tone for the rest of the movie. After some fighting, some more flashbacks and some loose explanation from an old wise woman, the real meat to the story is that this evil peacock ordered all the "Warriors of Black and White" to be killed. This would include Po's panda ancestors who were banioshed, or killed, so the peacock would not be haunted by the wise woman's words. But let me go back a minute to what really struck me in this revaluation that Po has about his TRUE self.

He goes to visit his father, the goose, at the restaurant because the discovery that this goose is not REALLY his father has shocked him. So the goose starts to explain what the real story is, where Po came from. He took a long time to even get the word out, but he finally said it:

Dad: You were adopted.

Po: What? Why didn't you ever tell me?

That was the line that struck me. Then I think the Dad replies with his own comment like ... Well you never asked. This was my first reaction to the adoption theme, the fact that the writers of the movie turned it back onto the adoptee to be responsible to know that they were adopted. Or at least I think it was, to be honest I was still so taken back by the comment from Po that I might have missed the real reaction from the Dad. Either way, it left a bad taste in my mouth because believe me ... children are VERY impressionable through media. So it rubbed me the wrong way, but not enough to really affect my feelings for Po or his journey.

Then, towards the end of the movie when the peacock is trying hard to dominate the world and get rid of Po, this peacock admits that he had Po's parents killed, that HE took his parents away from him. When Po searches his inner feelings his memory shows his mother running for their lives, trying to figure out a way for Po to be saved. She finds a box of radishes and puts him into it and then takes a moment to just look at him before she takes the most hurtful steps of her life. We see the love, the bond between them. Then we hear the bad guys, they are looking for them both. She takes one last look, a big breath and then she leaves. Po is crying, scared and confused but stays put. We know that she will die, but he does not understand why she is just running off. The next morning he is at the restaurant and the goose takes him in.

I don't think kids that are really young can understand that. And I think this is why some people are upset with this movie. The reason why I mentioned the conversation between Po and the goose is to make the point that adoption should not be shameful to talk about. Even if your kids are not adopted, it is important that they understand that not all adoption is abandonment. It is not that cut and dry. There are about 90% of parents out there that would need a REASON to leave their kids. And it better be a good reason, too. If a child is afraid that they will be abandoned based on a movie that they see, then that child needs to be spoken to about the difference between adoption and abandonment. It is a serious issue and should be addressed sooner than later... just my opinion.

The message of Kung Fu Panda 2 sits on both sides of the fence with me. I am always going to identify with the mother who leaves. I am one of them. I had reasons. They may not make sense to others, but they make sense to me. But I also see how the media makes it seem that the tragedy of it all lies solely on the parents backs. That the act of leaving, even if it means that the child will be saved and live on while the mother will die .... that act is just inconceivable or worse, unjustifiable. I was left liking the message that she loved him so much she sacrificed herself for his well being. I understand that all too well. SO my opinion is that the message of the movie, if talked about properly to children and explained well, was a wonderful testament of a mother doing what she had to because she loved her child. Plain and simple.

Plus, Po finds the inner peace that he has so long been searching for which leads him to understand that although he has had this tragic past, although his life was changed forever by the hatred of the peacock ... he knows that his life has purpose, that not all is lost in life because of the cards we are dealt. He sees that he was fortunate enough to be loved and cherished despite the tragedy. He knows he can find happiness through himself.

I just hope that others can see it that way. I am not sure though, the audience seemed confused when they left. And that is why I think so many are torn about this movie. Of course not everyone sees things the same and perhaps I have babbled too much about it by now, but I know that there will be topic for debate on this movie for a long time to come.

Forgiveness

2011-05-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. I have met so many women who just cannot get past the fact that they are birth mothers. I am not saying that they are all tragic and sad women, not the case at all. But I can hear it in their tones, see it in their faces and I know just what they are thinking; "How will I ever forgive myself for leaving my child?"

There is no easy answer. There is no quick fix that will take all the pain away. There is only one way to help those lonely feelings of doubt and disappointment in ourselves. Forgiveness. Sure, it's easy to say that. Just forgive yourself and all will be alright. I am not saying that. In fact, I am not telling anyone how to live their lives because we all have different views of ourselves and the world. What I am saying is that you can stop beating yourself up about the decisions you have made in your life.

I watched the last episode of Oprah this past week. Don't know why. I have not watched an entire Oprah show since she found out about her sister that her mother had placed for adoption all those years ago. I watched because like so many out there, Oprah has been a part of my life for the past 26 years. (I say 26 because I first learned who Oprah was from the movie The Color Purple, and I cannot tell you how impressed I was with her presence on the screen!) Anyway, that last show was weird to me because although I am sure it was not scripted ... it seemed that she had practiced her words for months to deliver them just right. She does have a way with words though, and I was mesmerized with her for the entire hour. I found her advice about life to be right on. IT is what YOU make of it, and don't be afraid to show who you really are.

It was after that show that I began to really think about forgiveness and how we all take it for granted. I, for one, believe it is much easier to forgive other people in our lives than to forgive ourselves for our misgivings. It took me a very long time to accept the woman that I have become, and with that acceptance came a big dose of forgiveness. I can forgive myself for letting my children go because after years of wondering, worrying and communicating .. I now see that they are amazing kids with very bright futures ahead of them. But it was not always that easy. Mother's Day? Very hard to face every year. Birthdays? By far some of the longest days of my life! Big events in my life and theirs? Always thinking about how much I would love them to be there. And although it is hard to face those moments when I am reminded of what I gave up, it is not so bad these days because I like who I am. I have learned to forgive myself for all the things that I know could have been handled better. I have learned to forgive myself for asking for help when I needed it. I have learned to forgive myself. Plain and simple.

Funny how we learn as we live, isn't it?

Favorite Adoption Books?

2011-05-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the Last Day that Adoptive Families Circle Magazine is taking nominations for your favorite adoption books. One of the categories is Children's Books, a category that is near and dear to me considering I am an author. Take some time to click on the link and tell them about what your favorite books are and who knows, you may even win the Kindle that they are giving away!
If you feel so enclined, you can help this author who is still trying to get her message to the masses reach many more people just by entering and nominating The Best For You in the Children's Book category. It only takes a few minutes, and feel free to pass it along if you like. There are other categories that you can nominate a book for as well, so go take a look and make your opinion heard!

AdoptiveFamilies Circle ~ Best Adoption Books

Great Post About Mother's Day From Another Mother

2011-05-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

So, an aquaintance of mine on Facebook left a comment on a question that I posted on my fan page about Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day. We got into a conversation about the controversy about the two days and boy oh boy did I love what she had to say! I asked her to blog for me, but it must have gotten her thinking because she posted her own thougths on the matter and again ... I loved what she had to say!

With her permission, I am reposting her mind here on my blog and I sure hope you read her thoughts. She is a passionate woman who does not advocate for adoption, nor does she advocate against it. Matter of fact, she does not advocate at all. She just speaks her mind and her truths as she knows them and I, for one, am glad she is out there! Thank you Etropic for sharing your brilliance with all of us! Soooo glad you read that question that got you thinking ....

My Adoption Ambivalence ~ It's That Time Of Year Again

Happy Mother's Day! Why I Celebrate It, and Always Have

2011-05-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

It has become a custom of mine to share with all of you the reason why I have always celebrated Mother's Day ever since I became a mother over two decades ago. Sure, I was a birth mother and had no real claim to parenting, but I still saw myself as a mother ... and a good one at that.

The following Happy Thought, the first that I ever wrote for this blog, is still one of my favorite tales to share about my adoption experience. You see, you never know who will come into your life and say the words that will stick with you for the rest of your days. You may not know it at the time, but that person can change not only the perspective that you have of yourself, but also the perspective that you THOUGHT you had of yourself. This amazing woman, whom I hope is still around and making people happy, was such an angel when I needed on the most. She was so unselfish and really made it a point to treat me with respect and also with dignity. I have never forgotten her, and if I could find her today I would tell her that her words ring true in my ears the second Sunday in May of every year since I met her.

So Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there, whether it makes you sad to hear it or puts a smile on your face I am still going to say it. You should celebrate you on this day, and remember that life will always find a way to bring peace to your soul.

Happy Thoughts #1 ~ The Nurse

Happy Birthday Pretty Momma!

2011-05-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to you Pretty Momma! Today, May 7th 2011 my mother would have been 65 ... a bona fide Senior Citizen. Go love her, she was so ready to retire when she passed away. She told me many times that she was going to do all the things she wanted to do but never had the guts to do when she retired. She was so spunky, so full of life and pretty darn hilarious!

When she turned 35, I had a surprise Birthday Party for her. I was only 9 years old but determined to throw her a party. I had my cousin drive me to Happy Joe's Pizza off of Forder Road to make arrangements for the party. I invited some of her friends from work, all my family and I made sure to invite the man she liked at the time.

It was a Sunday evening and I had told her all week that we were going to Happy Joe's to meet up with a friend of mine and her mother. When it came time to go, my mother tried very hard to look happy about going. I could tell that she would rather stay home and watch Trapper John, MD but she was also happy to see how excited I was to meet my friend. I was very quite as we drove to the Happy Place, I was so afraid I would blurt out that I was throwing her a party. It seemed that our Volkswagen Bug was moving so slow that night, like Orange Julius (That was the car's name, again my mother's humor!) needed to get rid of some sludge or something. Finally we pulled into the parking lot and we landed in a slot that was right next to my Aunt's car. OH NO! I thought, my mother will know that her sister is here. But she did not even notice the Cutlass Supreme as we exited the car. I could hardly contain myself as we walked to the door. My mother was preoccupied with her purse so she did not see the people inside. When I opened the door for her, she looked up and walked in. Then I heard her say ... "Wait a minute..."

"SURPRISE!!" They all yelled.

She put her hands up to her face and began to cry. I thought I had upset her, that I had made her feel bad. But it turns out that she was crying because I was throwing her a party. She told me later that it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for her and that she was impressed that at my young age I was able to pull it all off.

Only for you mom, only for you! If you were here, I would be having another big surprise party for you this year! Since you are not, I will bake a cake and tell wonderful stories about you all day long! And I am sure I will feel you as we all watch my youngest play his game today.

I love you, I miss you and I will never say goodbye. Only that I will see you later ... ;)

To Celebrate, Or Not To Celebrate ... What Are Your Thoughts???

2011-05-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

So, there is much debate as to we should celebrate Birth Mother's Day which is the Saturday before Mother's Day, or the actual day itself. I see it everywhere, people liking it, despising it, indifferent to it. I am curious, do you celebrate either day? If so, why?

I am working on a post about this topic and would really like to know what my readers think about it. So please, if you have something to say ... then say it here. I have always felt that talking and communication is a great way to learn more about a particular subject.

Talk amongst yourselves ... and here. :)

Reposting a Popular Post about Mothers!

2011-04-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

So, I am the admin on a page that has been receiving a lot of flack for talking about Birth Mother's Day. In the hopes that this post would help some of those mothers understand that they need to listen to THEIR hearts and celebrate the women that they are! I have received some emails today about the content and thought I would share it again with all of you!

An Open Letter to Birthmothers

Mother's Day Cards with That Something Special ....

2011-04-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Heartmark Designs is a unique company that specializes in that hard to find card for those specail people in our lives. Ever been to the store and looked for the right card to send your birth mother? Or, have you tried to find that one card for the adoptive mother of your child ... you know the one that says how much you appreciate her heart? Well, just click this link and see if you can find what you are looking for!

Started by a birth mother, this company specializes in cards made just for adoption ... something you will not find a section for in the Hallmark store. The company will be closing up shop for on the 27th of this month for their annual retreat, so anyone who is wanting to purchase Birthmother's Day Cards or Mother's Day cards for their child's adoptive Mom needs to do soon.

They are offering a 15% off code good only until the 25th. That code is "BMOMSROCK" and can be entered at checkout. So visit them today if you would like that something that is hard to find: The right words to tell the Mothers in our lives how much they really mean to us!

Want to Help an Author? AND Win a Kindle???

2011-04-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

I get at least two to three messages a day from folks telling me how much they appreciate the children's book I wrote titled, The Best For You. I love these messages because it tells me that so many have embraced the message in the book that adoption is about the love for a child, not that the child was not wanted. Always touches my heart to hear others talk about how the book is helping them, or their chidlren, understand the mind of a birth mother a little better.

Well, I found this link this morning and thought I would pass it along to all of you. Adoptive Families Circle Magazine is taking nominations for your favorite adoption books and one of the categories is Children's Books. Take some time to click on the link and tell them about what your favorite books are and who knows, you may even win the Kindle that they are giving away!

You can help out this author, who is still trying to get her message to the masses, reach many more people just by entering and nominating The Best For You. It only takes a few minutes, and feel free to pass it along if you like. There are other categories that you can nominate a book for as well, so go take a look and make your opinion heard!

AdoptiveFamilies Circle ~ Best Adoption Books

Not Talking is a Good Thing

2011-04-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

So, there are some weeks when thinking about adoption is not in my plan. This has been one of those weeks. I find that when I go somewhere to speak about all that can happen in adoption, I often spend the following days and perhaps weeks just letting it all go. Talking about adoption non stop can get to me, not in a bad way but rather in a way that leaves me longing to just enjoy the life that is here now.

So, with that said I will keep going here in my life now because there are folks that need my attention. And when I feel the need to talk more about adoption, well then I will. Know that I am not saying that I refuse to talk, or that I am done forever. That will never happen. Adoption will always be a part of my life. But today, and for the past few days I have had to just step back and live for now.

This is the great thing about life. We can all make conscious decisions to let our lives be what we want them to be. Right now, my life is peaceful and I want to just let it take me where it needs to be. So until I feel that inspiration to shout out about adoption, I will keep swimming in the big beautiful ocean that is life as we know it.

Hearts Knit Together, a Keynote's Theme

2011-04-13T00:58:00.000-07:00

I did it! I gave my first Keynote speech this past weekend and let me tell you, it was a wonderful feeling to talk very honestly about adoption. The Rockies welcomed all that were in attendance at FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) Colorado Regional Conference in Littleton with a brilliant blue sky above, just signaling the beauty of the day.

The theme of the conference was Hearts Knit Together, such an appropriate theme for the discussion of adoption.That is what I took my cue from and I spoke from the heart. Opening with my own story of life as a birth mother, I did my best to convey HOW and WHY I chose to pursue open adoption for my first three children. Allow me to sum up what I had to say.

Communication is the most important part of adoption, not just for adults but also for the children. Now, when I say this I am speaking about the importance of both parent sides to be honest with each other, respect each other and talk (whether it is written or verbal, which ever is decided upon) about what is going on with the child. Ever heard of the saying honesty is the best policy? Well there just cannot be enough of it in adoption. After all, saying what you feel and need is not a bad quality to have. Something to consider about the communication factor, give both sides the distance that they will need to adjust as life moves forward. There will be times when one side or the other will need to take a step back. It is normal, and very often needed.

Knowing where the birth parent is coming from is important. I was very honest in this part of the speech because I think it is important to understand some of the factors that birth parents have to learn to live with.
Curiosity ~ the longing to know what is happening to your child is never ending. NO matter the years, it is still sometimes very difficult to live with. Not too long ago, I was at an award ceremony for my own son who is 7, when out of no where I began to cry. Seeing all those kids get awards for achievements, AND seeing their parents there to cheer them on just reminded me that I missed so much in my children's lives. I wasn't hysterical or anything, just a little sad that I did not see the milestones or even the small moments that make life memorable. But then, I reminded myself that there was a pretty spectacular little man who I WAS able to see get his award. Then I realized, again, what it was that I was able to give to those families.
Time~ it moves on regardless of what you are dealing with. Our time as a birth parent moves rather slowly, as opposed to the time that adoptive parents spend parenting that child. I found it difficult at times to keep my mind off my children. Really wanting and wishing I would get a letter in the mail, but knowing it was not time for an update. Sometimes the wait would be a weight that was hard to bare.
Jealousy~ The birth parents are jealous that they do not get to see the firsts, are not going to be there to help, nurture or raise their child and that is a very hard pill to swallow. Another jealous feeling we may have? Knowing we are mothers but not being seen that way. There are some who understand, but the majority of the general population just does not see the birth parent as a parent. I did not carry pictures around, I did not brag about my children's accomplishments, nor did I have little stories that most other parents have.
Love~ it never stops. I heard someone say once that birth mothers can not truly love their children because they never had the chance to know them. HOGWASH! Carrying that life around for 9 months as it grows into a little nugget of joy, how can you NOT love that? Well, I am here to tell you that 20 some odd years after my adoptions I continue to think of them, love them and pray for them from afar. I only want them to know that I care about them, and always have!

Open Adoption can work. If there is space given to all sides to adjust and explore their feelings, then there is a way for all to be open enough to work together in the name of love. Yeah, sounds hokey, but it is true. There is plenty of fear on all sides of adoption. A birth mother's fear is that their child will never know just how much they cared about them. The adoptive parents fear that all kinds of things from will she change her mind? to what affect will this have in the long run? Well, just about everything one side fears, the other has also feared. Adoption is not about mind reading, it is about sharing and caring together for a common goal: a healthy and loved child.

The only thing I did not get to in my speech was this very important point: When the child starts to wonder about their roots or birth families ... please, please, please allow them to explore those feelings and thoughts. Remember, kids are people just like you and me and they need to know who they are, where they came from. They will be curious, all kids are. Heck, I am 40 years old and I am still curious about life. If you show acceptance of your birth parents, your children will more than likely take your lead and they will be accepting as well. I have lived it. I know this to be so very true. Not only will this action help your child, but it will also reassure your birth mother that you are honoring the person she is. If your child begins to ask questions, allow them to take the lead and they will let you know what they need. What you answer or discuss at 5 or 6 years old will be very different than what you answer at 12 or 13 years old. Again, just because they are kids does not mean they cannot or will not understand how they came into the world.

There was a song performed just before I spoke, it was sung so beautifully by Amy and I became familiar with the lyrics a week or so before Saturday. The song was called Welcome the Rain. It was all about how life will always have rough points, stormy days that will bring you down. The chorus is quite powerful.

"Don't be afraid of the power of life,
open your eyes to it's wonder.
Just as your heart should be open to joy,
so it must let in the thunder.
The sun that you long for is hidden from view,
and only the shadows remain.
But that's when you see the true beauty of life,
when you learn to welcome the rain."

Going up after these words made it easier to share the good with the bad, and reminding people that nothing in life is a guarantee, but what you do with life is what makes the difference.

Be honest. Be respectful. Be considerate. And most of all, communicate with each other and be accepting of all sides. These are my thoughts, and my take on what open adoption can be.

I met some of the winners of the book giveaway that lead up to the conference ...

I got to see Jessa again, what a treat! Here we are with Corrine, one of the masterminds behind the conference.

Not olny was Jessa there, but there were many more beautiful birth mothers as well!

And ... I had the opportunity to meet Jill from the blog Adoption Ain't For Sissies, BONUS!!!! I love to read her thoughts and brilliance.

I would like to say a huge thank you to the conference's organizers, Kelly, Corrine and Kelly. I was so honored to be a part of the day and not only did I feel welcomed, but that I was among friends. I truly appreciate you asking me to be there, it was a day full of wonderful people, great conversation, new and old friends and most of all, love.

Winners from Latest GiVeAwAy!!!!

2011-04-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

40 Comments!!!!!!! Love to you all!!!! The winners are:

Hannah

Jodie Lee (kind of hard not to win, you were entered quite a few times!! ;)

and ...

Russ and Kylee!

But don't fret if you did not win. I run monthly giveaways of the book so be sure to visit from time to time! I thank all of you for your enthusiasm and for entering. Remember, you can always go to your local library and request that they order a copy for the branch. Always a good way to read a book, and then share it with others!!!

Thanks to all of you, I so appreciate you coming here to read!!!! ~Kelsey

Almost There!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

So ... I am just under 24 hours before I board that plane for Colorado where I get to meet more amazing people in the adoption world! (Not to mention more Birth Mothers ... YAY!!!) I just cannot tell you how excited I am to be attending this conference, and most of all letting my voice be heard in a postive kind of way!!!

Here are the details again if you are near Littleton or wonder what the heckalecka I am talking about!

If you would like to attend and have not registered, here is a link to all the information you need to do so:

FSA Colorado Regional Conference

And here is the schedule for the day if you are interested in attending ....

9:00 Check- in- drop kids off at the Nursery Area. Come get your registration packet, class descriptions, goodie bags and ID tags. Make sure to give proper instructions about your kids to the babysitters on staff, if needed.

9:15 Profiles Plus – Learn ways to maximize your profile exposure on the web with help of SEO and all avenues on the net. Develop Pass-Along Cards, learn creative and effective ways to tell friends & learn who to leave your cards with. Learn the in’s and outs of blog etiquette and how not to offend potential expectant parents while staying true to who you are.

Open Adoption Success- Listen as Adoptive Parents and their birth parents share their keys to openness and what works for them. Open Adoptions can be tricky as emotions run high but, after this class you may realize how simple and wonderful open adoption relationships can be.

10:00 Infertility: Help, Hope & Healing- Kirsten Daynes (Author ) shares her insight about how working through their infertility and how it affects marriage and relationships with others. She gives guidance that will help all those experiencing this life-changing event and leaves you with motivation and inspiration.

Life After Placement- Jessalynn Speight, placed her baby girl 3 years ago and has blasted into the Adoption Outreach world by starting birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com, starting a non-profit birth mother scholarship program( and much more), becoming a wife and keeping a healthy relationship with her daughter’s Adoptive Parents. Learn some secrets of post-placement success from this motivating woman!

11:00 Adoptees Panel – Adopted adults and teens speak on their outlook about being an adopted individual. They share details about how they view and feel about their birth parents, life experiences and adoptive parents.

12:00- Lunch- in Cultural Hall

1:00 Advocating-4-Adoption – Corrine Christian( FSA Central Region Chair)-Learn how birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees can advocate for the cause of adoption. Get ideas on HOW to share your love of adoption with anyone you meet, educate in classrooms about the Option of Adoption, make Media contacts, become involved in all areas of outreach and education by developing a rapport with your agencies outreach program and FSA! Make a Difference!

Love After Loss- Tommy and Annie’s story will inspire anyone who has experienced a failed placement. Listen as they share how their heartaches turned into joy after multiple “Almost Miracles”. Their view on how they endured strengthened their marriage and made the adoption of their son, Judd much sweeter!

2:00 Birth Parent Panel- Birth Mothers & Fathers speak on why they chose adoption, the difference it has made in their lives and the relationships they have with the adoptive parents and much more. They give insight to anyone involved in or considering adoption.

3:00 Keynote- Kelsey Stewart – Author of The Best For You book , birth mother to 3 children and wife & mother to 2 more. She will enlighten us about Unity among all involved in the adoption triad. She will share her passion for adoption and inspire all to do their part to have greater harmony in their respective rolls in adoption.

4:00- RAFFLE time:) Items will be raffled off for all in attendance.

All classes (except 1st one) are 45-50 minutes.

Displays to be set up in Cultural Halls: Life Books, Foster Care Information, Display for Photos, Poetry, Adoption Arts.

Don't forget that today is the LAST day to enter the giveaway that I am holding in honor of this incredible day! I will post the winners tomorrow morning, just before I leave for the ROCKIES!!!!

Pros and Cons of Open and Closed Adoptions

2011-04-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, you read that right. Pros and Cons of Adoption. I have seen this list before in various places. Of course it did not say the same things as this latest post that I found, but I see them non the less. I always wonder, who is writing these lists? Sometimes it will say who the person is and why they feel that way. Most are Adoptive Parents. Many are adoptees. Some are counselors or agencies. Not too many are birth parents. Whoever it is, I am always interested to hear others thoughts about what they think are the good things, and the not so good things in adoption.

So, of course I wanted to take a gander at this list I found on my Google Alerts for adoption/birth parents/adoptee that I receive everyday. This list was made by a website called Lawyer Central. (WARNING!!: I am going to express some true thoughts here and if you are a lawyer, I mean no offense. But as always, I speak my truths and will not sugarcoat those thoughts to please one particular group of people. Just wanted to give a heads up to those that might find my ramblings on this post offensive.)

This site says: "At LawyerCentral.com, we take pride in helping individuals find lawyers, find legal help, find answers, research information and obtain the experienced legal representation they need. Our attorney network includes some of the top lawyers in the country, working tirelessly to protect your rights." It goes onto say that this site has hundreds of top rated lawyers for every field of expertise.

Allow me to use their text and give you my take on what I think is right, and what is SO WRONG about the list they have provided. My thoughts will be in green, just so there is no confusion as to what is the list they made compared to my thoughts. And just to start, let me say that I cannot think of any PROS to CLOSED ADOPTION! All of the information below can be found through this link: Pros of Open and Closed Adoption.

PROS OF OPEN ADOPTION:

- Open adoption provides the birth parents with peace of mind that their child will be going to loving, nurturing parents.
Ever hear the phrase Curiosity Killed the Cat? Well, the same concept can be applied to birth parents. It is what you don't know that kills your spirit, kills your heart. If you can have an open adoption, then the wonders of how your child is doing, what they look like, what characteristics they have are all things Every parent wants to know about their child. In open adoption you CAN know these things, if the AP's are willing to share this info with you.

- Open adoption allows the adoptive parents to ask the birth parents questions concerning the child. Some common questions that the adoptive parents commonly ask the birth parents is the child’s health history and the family history.
B-I-N-G-O! Every parent should have access to the orgins of their child and what better way to find out than to just ask. Wonderful plus about open adoption, you CAN ask!

- Open adoption takes away a lot of the secrecy that may sometimes be contained within adoption and makes open communication available.
This one applies solely to the child. There should be no secrecy in a child's life, especially when it comes to something as important as where they come from. Too often I hear adoptees say to me, "I just wish they would have been honest and told me about my parents. I felt lied to, cheated by my own parents. I know that they were trying to protect me from felling hurt or abandoned, but knowing the truth would have made a world of difference." Many forget that children are people too, and I don't know many people who like to be lied to.

- The adopted adult can easily establish a relationship with his or her birth parents.
BIGGEST BONUS EVER! If a child has the opportunity to know their parents, to understand their reasons and just see the kind of person they are ... well it can make all the difference in the world.

- The birth mother may be less likely to change her mind about the adoption because she knows you.
Hmmm, not sure where this one came from and not too sure I agree with it. Changing one's mind about adoption is a very personal thing and there may be many reasons for it. I don't think knowing them can help those feelings of loss, grief, regret or ambivalence.

- As time passes, if the birth mother has a change in her health status, she can notify you about conditions that could later affect your child.
This one I agree with! So important to know genetics and what your medical history holds.

- With an on-going relationship and communication about the well-being of the child, the birth parents may experience less guilt about making a decision to place for adoption.
This is a hard one because in my experience, there will always be guilt. No matter how old they get, no matter how healthy and wonderful their lives MAY turn out to be, there will always be guilt in my heart that I missed so much of my children's lives.

PROS OF CLOSED ADOPTION:

- Some birth families report that having a closed adoption provides a sense of closure and enables them to move on with their life.
This may be true, but in the end it is about the child. Sure, people want closure about some feelings and thoughts. But really, it is not at all about the parents but rather about the child and what is best for them. I don't think keeping their roots from them is at all beneficial in the long run.

- Having a closed adoption creates an opportunity for a stronger sense of privacy for the birth family.
I understand, but sometimes this can backfire for the adoptive family. Think about it, what if your family moved away from you and never contacted you again? How hurt would you be? How angry would you be that they just left you alone in the wind? Take that feeling and apply it to the birth family. That is what it feels like for them and given the opportunity to have a respectful relationship with the parents, I bet there could be a mutual relationship that is not going to intrude on your privacy as a family.

- If the birth families are not involved, the adoptive family is free to have their family time without restraints of visitations and on-going communication.
To me, this is selfish. Is it that hard to send a picture? Send a note as to how the child is doing? I know, it is your family and you have the right to do what you want with it. However, to forget the ones who are thinking about that child every day, it is pretty heartless to just cut them off. Not to mention, it can be quite damaging to their minds, hearts and lives. (I am speaking about both the child and the birth parents in the last sentence.)

- There is no danger or risk of birth parent interference or co-parenting concerns.
I cannot speak on this one because it is foreign to me. I would not interfere or ask for the right to even give parenting advice to an AP. My experience was nothing like that, so I really cannot add thoughts to this.

- A closed adoption protects the adopted child from an unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parent or birth family member.
This last one is what prompted me to even write this post. Why are the birth parents always "emotionally disturbed"? When did it become common that all birth parents MUST have something wrong with them, therefore that is why their child is not with them??? This mentality just kills me, and if could not be further from the truth. Sure, you will always find some that are having troubles. But really? Are we all in that category? NO. Do we all have emotional problems? No. This is just a cop out to me. To me, this says something different than what is written. Rather it should say... "A closed adoption protects the PARENTS from an unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parent or birth family member."

Well there you go, I have said my peace and feel much better for doing so. If you have thoughts, please feel free to share them. As most of you know, I am quite open on my blog and know that I am not always right, or at least not always thinking the same thing as you. I never claimed to be the all knowing birth mother, just one woman's opinion about life after relinquishment.

Don't forget, you still have time to enter for your chance to win a copy of The Best For You, children's book about adoption!!! Follow this link until Thursday, April 7th! GiVeAwAy Starts Now!

GiVeAwAy Starts NOW!

2011-04-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I am ONE WEEK AWAY from stepping on Colorado soil for the Families Supporting Adoption Conference in Littleton, CO!!! I heard there are more birth mothers registered to attend than ever before, and that just makes my heart sing! If you are close to Littleton, please try to come out! Not only will I be speaking at the event, but so will the lovely Jessalyn Speight ~ Author at Birth Mothers 4 Adoption Blog. Also there, Kirsten Daynes ~ Author of Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing!

So, here is the info as to how you can enter to win a signed copy of The Best For You, my book explaining adoption to children from a birth mother's point of view.

1. Leave a comment on this post saying you would like to be entered (1 entry)
2. Like the FaceBook page Kelsey Stewart (1 entry)
3. Become a follower of A Birth Mother Voice (1 entry)
4. Tell a friend about the giveaway, have them mention that you sent them. (1 entry for you and one entry for them!)
5. Follow the Birthmothers4Adoption blog. (1 entry)
6. Tweet about the giveaway, then let me know your twitter address where it is. (1 entry)
7. If you are registered to go the the conference, just let me know that as well (1 entry)

This contest is open from Friday, April 1st (NO JOKE!) until the day before I leave, Thursday April 7th at 11:59 pm. Depending on the entries, there will be the possibility of several folks winning this book! For every 15 entries, there will be another book GIVEN AWAY!!!

So enter today, no limit as to how many times you would like to enter ... just type away and have fun reading all about Jessalyn and Kirsten!

The Kinship Center ~ Education in Adoption

2011-03-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you to The Kinship Center for highlighting my post about the difficult question I had from a reader. Education is so important in adoption, and that education is a never ending thirst that many have in our unique world of adoption. This is a beautiful post that begins with the story of a birth mother who is a speaker, and she invites her relinquished son to join her at her presentation. The way in which the writer describes the way he watches her speak is quite touching, and brought a smile to my face. Open adoption can be an amazing way to live, when it is done right and there is mutual respect within all the parties.

If you have not hear of The Kinship Center, take a look at their website. They are all about education in adoption, and it is fantastic that they offer the views of the birth mothers who can testify to how communication in adoption is really the key to making it a success.
Link to the post ~ Answers to "Tough" Adopotion Questions